OBX Report

Doctors and Meteorologist alike are warning non-Floridians in the South to stay inside as Hurricane Isaias passes over. There is an elevated risk of catching particalized Covid-19 carried on the winds of this tropical storm. Normal hurricane party activities like roof surfing, porch chillin’, storm streaking, ditch wakeboarding, and Colington road car splooshing, are no longer recommended. 

“Floridians, much known for their incessant mouth breathing, are able to produce 10 to 20 times the amount of virus droplets as your regular American,” said world renown pathologist, Dr. Faffenferber, “This storm’s path takes it over Miami and Palm beach, so the effects might not be as dramatic. Hypothetically if the storm were to pass over Orlando and the Panhandle, well, the fallout would be catastrophic.”

“I thought the worst part of this storm was it’s stupid name? Why can’t we go back to naming storms like we used to,” local arborist, Jim Notchie, complained, “See what happens when you name storms after immigrant? They carry diseases. They don’t send their best storms.”

“I ain’t worried ‘bout that,” said Kitty Hawk local, Dusty Hills, “I plan on breathing completely through a cigarette. They got filters don’t they? If I just breathe in only through a cig, I’m good. I can skip that mask bullshit. Better luck next time Bill Gates.”

If you need to go out, a cloth mask is not advised. “They will get soaked with the Covidrain,” it’s like getting zombie blood in your eyes or mouth,” said local podiatrist, Carl Carlman, “What you need is some good trash bags or ponchos.”

Kill Devil Hills, NC – After a number of incidents involving vacationers and agitated locals, lifeguards have a new tool at their disposal. Similar to the turtle nest signs that warn tourists to stay away, these flags will be placed near off work locals enjoying the beach. 

“This should help with the accidental encounters,” said chief lifeguard Marshal Chase, “stopping problems before they start is our policy!”

“I had to jump in and pull a visitor out the other day,” said junior lifeguard June Jones, “The local was savagely telling them about how things used to be down here. It looked brutal. He kept talking about the Pit on ‘Mug Night’. That was my third rescue that day. I’m really glad we have those flags now. No one wants their vacation ruined by an unfortunate interaction with a local.”

“If you are accosted by a local, the correct response is to run. They locals are tired and will probably not give chase in the sand,” said head of Ocean Rescue Person Anne Wann, “If in the rare chance they do chase you, the proper thing to do is to curl into a ball and cover your ears, so you can’t hear them tell you how much better September is.”

The number of tourist and local interactions has remained relatively the same, but the intensity and danger to tourists has risen dramatically. Experts are pointing to a number of stressors on the usually docile locals. First their habitat is critically endangered with encroachment on all sides from AirBnB to wealthy transplant retirees. Secondly the pandemic has turned their already stressful feasting season into a living nightmare. Third is a new species of aggressive invasive visitors, Asholicus Virginisylvanicus, better known as the Covidcationer are eliciting fight or flight responses in the locals. Also their favorite watering holes have been shuttered in the name of safety, alas limiting their mating prospects and peer-group bonding.

“Just like we don’t call them shark attacks because you are swimming in the sharks habitat, I like to remind people when you are on the beach you are in the locals’ domain,” Local expert, Lyonald Greer shared, “They don’t just magically disappear after they serve you food and clean your house. They need to have a good time to, but you probably want to keep your distance. Don’t get me wrong, It is still safe to go to the beach. You are much more likely to be attacked by a shark than you are to be verbally redressed by a local.”

The OBX is once again in the national news, no it isn’t because of Netflix or a best quarrencation list. We have an official SUV! The good people at Ford Motor Company’s focus groups decided they like the name recognition and branding of the Outer Banks, so they just copped that shit.

Of course they added some features to make the Outer Banks model authentic. First off the vehicle doesn’t have turn signals. No one uses those down here anyway. They also added a secret air tight stash spot for your weed. The carpets have been replaced with a nice layer of sand, so you won’t even care about it anymore. The SUV also comes with black lab fur lined seats, and a “Hey Audubon look at this bird” middle finger sticker. The crowning achievement has to be the DUI ignition interlock. Why pay a bunch of money to get one installed in your car when you can buy a car with it stock!

The new model starts at only $40,500, which only puts it out of the price range of most of the locals. The only locals you will see driving it are the newly anointed Non Resident Property Owners who are now officially locals now thanks to the bridge closure lawsuit.

The Outer Banks moniker has been around for a long time, and it has intentionally not been trademarked so that anyone down here could use it. Unfortunately for us that means any multinational corporation can plop it on their overpriced jeep. Who cares if it took decades of branding for us to build, now when people hear Outer Banks they will think of an knock off jeep, and a teen drama TV show filmed in Charleston.

Dare County resident Flora “Flor” Umphlett is enjoying a newfound acceptance in the community after years of feeling like she did not fit in. She often felt that neighbors shunned her for behaviors that one therapist labeled as “disorders.”

“I used to watch shows like ‘Hoarders’ that seemed to be judging me and my way of life,” Umphlett said in a Facetime interview. “But I just like to be prepared; I have MRE’s for at least six months for me, Trey, and the four kids, for example. I also have ten gallons of peanut butter, ten country hams, twenty cases of assorted canned goods, and fifty-pound bags of rice and beans.”

What has changed Umphlett’s standing in the eyes of her neighbors, though, is the stockpile of 1027 jumbo rolls of toilet paper that she has stored in what she calls “Apocalypse Central.” This spacious underground bunker contains foodstuffs, personal protection equipment, toiletries such as soap and shampoo, and the aforementioned bathroom tissue.

“Our shelter is bigger than most houses around here, to be honest, and to put a space that large underground when you hit the water table only two feet down, well, you have to be committed,” Umphlett said. “But we have food, water, and all the toilet paper we will ever need. So all the people who used to laugh at me behind my back suddenly want to be my best friends. Well, they can wipe their ***es with leaves, for all I care.”

Humphlett’s other purported disorder is germophobia. Her compulsive hand-washing, jugs of hand sanitizer in every room, and tendency to don gloves, mask, gown, and goggles whenever somebody came to the door–never through it–made many people feel uncomfortable, and her doctor even attempted to put her on medication.

“They called me the crazy germ woman,” Umphlett said. “I know they used to make fun of my personal protective equipment, but tell me this: Who‘s laughing now? Now I’m not a “germophobe.” I am a role model. I have enough vinyl gloves and N95 masks to protect the whole county–and no, I’m not turning them in to the deep state, because if you snooze you lose.”

Also enjoying a feeling of vindication is her husband Trey “Tigger” Umphlett. Trey had been viewed as somewhat of a “gun nut” since high school, but his collection of several dozen rifles, shotguns, and handguns is now the envy of the community. While none of the guns are fully automatic “as far as they know” according to Trey, this arsenal has been reassessed and is now considered a prudent self-defense measure by his neighbors. Jeremy “Sticks” Pledger, sharing a cul-de-sac with the Umphletts, now wishes he had bought a few guns before all this started.

“Yeah, I’ll admit I always thought he was going to end up in a David Koresh Branch Davidian kind of situation, but now, well, I’d rather be pointing the gun than having it pointed at me,” Pledger said. “I’m trying to get in good with him, so at least I will be behind the lines if things really go sideways.”

Florence Umphlett, sitting in the expansive home entertainment center in her bunker during the online interview, sums up the situation with a sigh, what might be a satisfied smile under the large mask, and a statement of personal philosophy.

“What comes around, goes around. The shoe is on the other foot. A stitch in time saves nine. Yep.”

Manteo, NC – A resident of Manteo is claiming to have a photo proving the rumor spreading around that the Governor of Virginia violated his own stay at home order to secretly fly an aircraft to the Outer Banks, to stay in his vacation home. The photo clearly shows the governor in a disguise he has used in the past, walking the docks of Pirate’s Cove, the neighborhood where his cottage is located. The Governor claims these rumors are false, but has yet to provide photo evidence of him not being in Manteo.

The local providing the photo wished to remain unnamed, but had a convincing story. “Well a cop who doesn’t want to be named, told me that he heard from his wife who wishes to be unnamed that Dale at the jetski store, who wishes to be unnamed, sold him a part for his jetski. So I had to go see it for mah self. I drove over there and I saw him walking the docks in that disguise and snapped this picture. He saw me do it and come up to me and said his name was ‘Ray’ and he was looking for some trees to celebrate the occasion of it being 4/20. I told him we don’t do that down here. We celebrate freedom, and he could take that hippy stuff back to Virginia where it belongs. He looked disappointed that I saw through his facade and quickly ran back to his house. Next thing I know I checked the waistband of my sweatpants and my .38 is gone! I said, ‘Jim, he done got ya.’ He swiped my concealed carry! I keep warning people about this guy, but they don’t listen.”

The Governor’s people had no comment because we didn’t contact them, but will most definitely claim the evidence is a photo manipulation. Locals on the other hand will believe what they want to believe despite all evidence to the contrary. The reader will have to decide which is more believable: A Governor leaving his state in the middle of a crisis to go fishing, even though it was against the law and would look terrible if anyone found out, or the local rumor mill concocted another false accusation against an outsider and people ate it up because it made someone they don’t like look bad. Or is it that a guy who got away with wearing blackface to go on to be Governor thinks that he can get away with a quick fishing trip. Or that a guy who was a doctor could afford some SUVs to sit at his vacation house for use while he is on vacation. Or is it that his neighbor said they park their extra cars in his driveway while he isn’t there, and let him use them when they come down? With so many answers everyone is free to pick which ever one they want to believe, and post about it on the internet.

Kitty Hawk – Tired of being kept from their dream Quarencation, a number of people who don’t belong here are finding ways onto the Island. Since police have arrested the ring leader of the local Under Trunk Rail Road, Harriet Baum, NRPOs have been seeking a new route onto the island. With the boat ramps swarming with LEOs, a new cottage industry has arisen of creative means of transport across the Currituck sound.

A number of dirigibles were seen taking advantage of the westerly wind yesterday as well as a fair amount of makeshift aircraft. The number of air attempts dwindled after local duck hunters began peppering the balloons. The local anti aircraft batteries may have stop the airborne attempts, but not the surface based.

“I have sold 15 of those goofy bikes with the floaty wheels in the past hour,” said Henry Pines of Currituck Water Rentals, “Usually nobody wants to rent those things, but for some reason they are real popular right now. Also, no one is returning my jet skis.”

“Where there is a will there is a way,” said a the local Sheriff who wish to remain unnamed, “We tell them they can’t come in, but they didn’t get second houses by being lazy.”

“BUT I PAY TAXES TOO! I PAY YOUR SALARY! YOU HEAR ME YOU NAZI? I OWN YOU, LET ME ON MY ISLAND RIGHT NOW!” shouted a New Jersey NRPO from his Salt Life emblazoned Excursion at an officer administering the road block. “I’M JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE LOCALS. I HAVE BEEN VACATIONING DOWN HERE MY WHOLE LIFE! THAT MEANS I’M JUST AS ENTITLED TO BE ON THIS ISLAND AS YOU LOCALS. MORE IMPORTANT BECAUSE I PAY MORE TAXES AND SPEND MORE MONEY SO I DESERVE TO BE HERE MORE THAN YOU!”

Other Non Resident Property Owners were calmer, but no more rational in their approach. “I own the house, so I own the right to use the house. I mean it’s not like there has ever been a time of emergency when they prevented me from crossing the bridge. I know I have been told to stay home, and there is no medical care if I catch the virus, and I could be bringing the virus to the people that live here, but there is a beach and I want to put my toes in the sand.”

Nags Head Mayor Quimbly is reportedly furious over new reports of violations of the nuclear agreement signed between his Town and Kill Devil Hills just last year. The two Outer Banks superpowers concluded the “8th Street Accords” in 2018, agreeing to limitations on weapons in all three branches of the so-called nuclear triad: land, sea and air. 

A photo taken by a reporter on an unrelated assignment for National Geographic inadvertently captured the construction of what appears to be a new nuclear silo near the Glorious Leader Park in KDH.  The reporter, Jerald Rivero, said he was photographing the rare KDH Revolutionary Pigeon feeding near the People’s Centre in the middle of Kill Devil Hills at the time. He was unaware of the importance of the photo until he was going through all the picture he’d taken that day. Mayor Quimby was swift to react once the photo became public.  “This is a direct violation of the terms of last year’s agreement,” he said. “We call on Kill Devil Hills to immediately cease construction and honor their commitment to peace between our towns.”

Kill Devil Hills Supreme Mayor Roo Davees has not spoken publicly on the controversy. An undersecretary for the Defense Ministry has gone on record stating that the photo actually shows a “water park or water tower, something that is definitely not a missile silo” and that an investigation is underway in relation to this “clearly unauthorized” construction and Hillary Clinton’s emails.   

Wrightsville Beach – With hurricane Dorian bearing down on the entire coast of the state, the Governor has raised up a seldom used reserve force. From a secretive location around Greenville people reporting hearing what sounded like “motherfucker” from the sky. There were sightings of a flying man with chain suspended only by his white T-shirt.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures, and we need a miracle,” Governor Cooper said in a press conference.

Experts are still debating whether this daring plan could work.

“Look Hurricanes can release energy at a rate of 10 megaton nuclear bombs exploding every 20 minutes. There isn’t going to be much effect from waiving your shirts at it,” said Duke Physics Professor, Brian Yankemouth.

“It isn’t about the effect of you spinning the shirt on the air, but the effect of the spinning shirts on you,” argued Steve Mologowski, a sophomore at ECU on academic probation. “Yeah Petey might not move the hurricane, but he can move you with his art.”

“At this point we have nothing to lose,” said the Governor as he started to unbutton his shirt, “I for one plan on standing next to Petey. If he can keep this thing offshore I will make him the Poet Laureate of NC.”

As hurricane Dorian approaches the Outer Banks, shortages begin appearing in local stores. A quick check of area grocery stores shows empty bread aisles, a shortage of bottled water, an absence of non-store-brand toilet paper, and a deep existential emptiness where the Mountain Dew used to be. Gas stations have covered their pump handles with plastic bags that will later be blown into the Atlantic for sea turtles to mistake for jellyfish, and hardware stores report being sold out of blue tarps. Perhaps the most heartbreaking product shortage during this trying time is one many people don’t even notice, a dearth of vape juice.

With the rise of e cigarettes, vaporizers, and Juuls, many people rely on these more technologically advanced nicotine delivery systems, abandoning the nominally plant-based tobacco cigarettes, cigars and pipes. With the advantages of these futuristic addiction maintenance devices, though, comes an uncomfortable fact: they must periodically be refilled with the chemical melange usually referred to as vape juice.

High-traffic gas stations and convenience stores have been the first to run out of the addictive elixirs, posting signs reading: “NO VAPE JUICE”  and turning away highly irritable customers. Local independent stores such as Outer Vapes and Vape Hatteras (one of which has a clever pun hidden in its name) have been trying to take up the slack, but the principal burden has fallen to vape superstore Vape Depot in Asphalt Cay Shopping Center in Kitty Hawk.

Manager Clay “Cheeto” Rodrick reports: “Our usual weekly shipment was canceled due to the storm, and with the run on vape juice before Dorian hits, our flavor selection is lower than normal. We usually have four hundred flavors available, and I believe at last count we were down to, what? Two, I think?” A check of the shelves confirmed this count, revealing only a few bottles of gooseberry flavor and a case and a half of jicama.

Disappointed customer Trey “ Eight-point” Carter complains: “Who knows how long we’re going to be trapped in our houses without electricity after this storm passes? I won’t be able to watch cable TV, I won’t be able to watch Netflix, I won’t be able to watch Prime Video, and I won’t be able to play Fortnight. I think I have a People magazine from 2017 in the house, but I’ve already read most of it. If I can’t vape, what have I got? And what the h*** is jicama, anyway? I guess I’ll find out.” Trey wanders away trailing a vape-juice-dissipating cloud of jicama vapor and a few curses under his breath.

Depending on the final severity of the storm, local vape juice supplies may not be replenished for days, leaving a tense and jittery population hoping desperately for the return of video distractions and soothing nicotine vapor to once again make life bearable.