Atlanta – The CDC today announced the results of years of studies on gnar shredding. There was a strong correlation between shredding the gnar, and increased steeziness. The subjects that shredded the most had steeze levels bordering on redonculous.
Doctors are unclear on the exact dangers of being steezy. When asked for details a CDC official was quoted saying, “We have done a large amount of research on the matter. This involved hundreds of hours of watching surf videos. We can say without a doubt that the steeziest riders were sick, and some even got nasty when they were shredding.”
The report also brings up the alarming fact that steeziness can strike at increasingly younger ages. Angela Lovecraft is the mother of a 12 year old skimboarder who was recently diagnosed with steeziness. “At first it was just a fun hobby, but we quickly realized how good he was. First came the shoves to wraps, but once he started doing big spins into barrels it was too late. Now he keeps getting follows on his Insta from High School girls, and his Snapchat is filled with pictures I don’t feel comfortable describing.”
The surfer community is split on the issue. The Surf Rider Foundation is selling mugs, tote bags, and trucker hats to raise awareness for steeze. However some surfers are unconcerned.
“Bro, if I gave a shit about getting steezy would I have lost my virginity in the bathhouse bathrooms at 13?” said transplant surfer Jim “Virginia Creeper” Collins.
This study only showed increased levels of steeze in surfers, skateboarders, skimboarders and snowboarders. There were no associated elevations in paddleboarders, no matter how gnarly they got.