200 Miles off the coast of Delaware – The famous Great White Shark Mary Lee has announced she will not be inhabiting the waters of North Carolina this year citing the newly passed HB2 legislation for her reason.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love North Carolina, but I am so disappointed with this new law that I will be swimming past NC to spend some time in less prejudiced states like South Carolina and Georgia. I may eat people, but I don’t discriminate, I eat all people equally,” said the 3456 pound predator.
Governor McCrory expressed his regret at the loss of yet another celebrity performer for our state. “When I passed this law I was thinking about protecting children from something even rarer than shark attacks. I had no idea I was putting their Summer vacations in danger. Rest assured, I have my people talking to Mary’s people, and we will have sharks in the water this Summer.”
We asked Dr. Timmoth Abernathy, an expert on Shark behavior, about the likelihood of shark attacks “Last year saw a sharp rise in shark attacks with 8 nonfatal attacks, but considering the millions of people swimming over the course of the Summer that puts your chances of being eaten by a shark as a million times more likely than you child being molested by transsexual person in a public bathroom.”
Opinions are mixed on Mary’s decision. Some support her boycott of what they call a disgraceful law, but others feel she is pushing politics into a place it doesn’t belong. Longtime Outer Banks Tourist James Wartherby Jr. expressed his anger at the shark’s decision, “I can’t believe this I am being discriminated against by this fish for wanting to protect my children. Now she labels me a bigot and refuses to consider eating my family? Who is the hypocrite now, huh Mary?”
Friends of Fins, a shark advocacy group, put out a statement in support of Mary’s decision saying, “We fully support Mary’s decision. We are sorry that North Carolina beach goers will have to swim in sharkless waters, but we would like to remind them that there are lots of other things to be worried about like sting rays, jelly fish, and aggressively sexual porpoises.”
An unnamed mother who admits she is on the fence about the bill told us, “I know the chances of my child being molested by a Trans person in a bathroom or eaten by a shark are astronomically low, but I just feel bad having to make the choice. Why can’t I have both?”
Some locals of the Outer Banks who disagree with the law, but are fans of Mary have pleaded with her on Twitter to reconsider her decision. “You are only punishing your biggest fans! N.C. legislators would never take their shirts off at the beach, much less get in the water.”
When asked The Union of Concerned Aquatic Predators, the equivalent of the U.N. for sharks, fish, and whales, declined to comment.