May 2016 – Page 2 – OBX Report

May 19, 2016

Locals Waking Up From Hibernation

It is upon us again. The glorious mid to late Spring arrival of the local workforce from their slumber. After a long Winter of in activity, the Outer Banks returns to life. This miracle of nature is visible in all their natural habitats like the Bypass and Food Lion. Another good place to see them is at their jobs where they are currently standing around, waiting for it to get busy again.

This unique species has quite an interesting life cycle. The average Outer Banks local will only Hibernate for about three months maximum. Before hibernation they consume large quantities of holiday food and alcohol. After waking up from hibernation they will realize that the beach season is right around the corner and begin fasting and exercising. As the Summer wears on they gradually increase their caloric intake until by late July they are not even thinking about it.

They also have to worry about their increasingly precarious habitat. This sandbar they call an island is susceptible to flooding from both sides. In fact the sheer weight of alcohol on the beach is enough to sink the island during high tide if not for the intrepid locals who bravely dispose of it. The higher the tide the more necessary the imbibing. In fact when a hurricane threatens the island, the locals band together to cleanse their habitat of any and all remaining alcohol.

Next in our series of wildlife lectures will be the migration of the Eastern European college student. The end of their long journey is nearly upon us.

May 17, 2016

Longtime Resident Earns Local Status

Manteo – Local resident Anthony Byers, 48, recently earned the coveted “Local” status at a celebration held at the Manteo Community Center. Balloons, streamers, lime sherbet fizzy punch, and a tray of cupcakes, both chocolate and vanilla, helped to make the event special for Byers and the five natives who milled about the room warily, glancing occasionally at the guest of honor and whispering quietly to each other.

“After twenty-five years, I am so proud to finally achieve this recognition,” said Byers, who produced a booklet filled with stickers commemorating his steps along the way to his current status.

“Look! This is the ‘Tolerated Outsider’ award I received after living here for seven years. There was some debate about whether I deserved this one since I moved from Old Town Manteo to the North Side at year four. But they gave it to me anyway,” he explained. The sticker was brown and shaped like a leech. The next sticker was the gray lamprey-shaped “Seems OK” award granted at twelve years, followed several smaller steps culminating in the blue jellyfish “Associate” sticker at twenty years, granting recipients the right to be present but not participate when locals discuss topics of importance.

“This is the big one, though,” beamed Byers, “This allows me to visit the Tiki Bar in Wanchese, discuss local politics, and exchange greetings with actual natives. I guess I can say ‘hoi toide on the sound soide’ now.”

A chorus of offended grunts was followed by a strained rebuke from one of the attending natives, “No. No, you can’t. Stop talking now.”

Byers responded, “Listen to that brogue. That’s one of the things that make this place so special. Ah, these are my people now. Am I right, my homies?” The man who had spoken glowered back, and a heavily-bearded man seated along the wall nursing a glass of green punch actually spit on the floor in response.

Byers shrugged sheepishly and let out a nervous titter.

May 13, 2016

Cause of recent fires determined totally not to be related to Goatman

Stumpy Point, NC – State fire officials have issued a press release that in no way implicates Goatman in the string of fires this Spring. The fires were most likely caused by humans, and not a goat human hybrid. I mean do you know how hard it is to use a lighter with hoove/claw hands much less siphon the gas out of an old Mustang. Besides any evidence of a satanic ritual would have been burned… I mean never existed in the first place.

When asked for details the head fire investigator for the National Wildlife Service said, “What’s this Goatman you speak of? I have never heard of such a thing, and wouldn’t even consider him at all because he definitely did not threaten my life.”

So that settles that, we can all go back to ignoring the eccentric crytid that harmlessly wanders the woods.

May 13, 2016

Tourist restaurant bartender glad that bartending school paid off

Duck, NC – Jeanne Filigree could have gone to law school like her parents wanted, but she decided to take a bartending class instead. She credits that with her being able land a job at a prestigious tourist restaurant. She highly doubts her age and looks had anything to do with it. “Once they saw I had my bartending certificate, they knew I would be great at this job,” She said as she cut her ninetieth lime of the day. In school she learned how to make hundreds of cocktails like a Tom Collins, Old Fashion, Manhattan, and Mojitos, which prepared her for pouring pitchers of premixed Margaritas and Sangria. She learned dozens of different glasses and when to use them, so she feels confident when she is dumping frozen strawberry daiquiris into plastic souvenirs cups.