Grandy – Reginald Gary Winston of Currituck was arrested this weekend for making and distributing Dank Memes. The defendant led police on a low speed chase as he tried to escape on the riding lawn mower he uses for transportation. Fortunately he got stuck on a speed bump the trailer park owner had installed because he was sick of having to get the gravel replaced every year from “Jimmy driving like a jackass.” The Sheriff’s department released the following statement.
Dank Memes are a danger to our community. They may seem harmless and funny, but they ruin lives. Today we made a great step to eliminating the threat of Dank Memes in our county. This case was the result of months of work browsing Facebook at the station. This shows that Dank Memes are not just a threat to our children, but also dangerous to our older adults. Facebook reposts are a gateway meme. First people share other people’s funny stuff. After awhile people think, “hey I could do that.” Next thing you know they are scanning facebook, funnyjunk, ifunny, 9gag, thechive, and imgur looking for anything they can post. They start withdrawing from friends and family, and spend hours upon hours on the dumbest parts of the internet. Why? All just to get fix. They are addicted to likes, and they don’t care who they have to steal from to get that fix.”
The defendant was unrepentant. He waived his right to remain silent and an attorney as he spit an expletive laden rant at the officers:
“I thought this was America! I know my rights! Am I being detained?” He screamed wildly as he was being dragged to the patrol car. If those phrases sound familiar, they are. A side effect of Dank Meme abuse is the inability to harbor or communicate original thoughts. This come from the copying and pasting other people’s things for so long you actually think you came up with it. He eventually regained his ability to speak his own thoughts for a moment and said, “You think this is a fucking crime? I’m doing a service here. I have over eight thousand followers, and they need to see the jokes other people came up with. Do you think you could copy and paste as quickly as I can? Huh? No way, no fucking way. I even know how to put the photos into MS Paint and write OBX on top of the text. Can you take a blank macro and write someone else’s joke on top of it? I don’t think so pussy. I’m gonna make a meme about you so dank that you wish you were never born!”
The sheriff’s department was not optimistic about his chances of recovery. “We have shut this guy down before, only to find him a few weeks later doing the same shitposting from a different trailer. It is like a game of wack-a-mole. I don’t see him getting cleaned up in the joint. Criminals like this never stop.”
The health department said the trailer will have to be burned to remove the dankness.