North End, Manteo – The thirteenth 3DWI5K bicycle race was held on Roanoke Island last weekend. The annual event is an opportunity for gentlemen of a certain age whose transportation options are limited to bicycling to engage in some healthy exercise and friendly competition.
Deebra Fitzclabber, cofounder of the event explained, “So often, the alcoholic lifestyle offers few opportunities for physical fitness, other than elbow curls, if you know what I mean. A little sunshine and a little exertion does wonders for these guys.”
Dirk Buddenburps, Deebra’s partner, continued, “We used to notice a lot of older gentlemen, often bearded, riding bikes up and down the beach road, sometimes on little girls’ bicycles or rental bikes. It seemed strange to us until we spoke to a few and realized that bicycling for these men was not a lifestyle choice but a requirement due to driver’s license revocation from three or more DWI’s.”
“Yes, so we figured, why not use the fitness equipment that these men already have and give them an incentive to get in better shape?” stated Ms. Fitzclabber. “We put up fliers for the first 3DWI5K bicycle race in local watering holes, and three contestants showed up for the first event.”
Each year, the race has grown. This year, thirty-two bicycle racers were present at the 2:30 p.m. start of the race. After attempting to hold the event at various spots on the beach, seven years ago it was moved to Roanoke Island.
“We realized that, considering the erratic riding patterns of many of our contestants, Pear Pad Road on the Fort Raleigh property offered the safest paved surface to meet the unique needs of our racers. There is almost no traffic, and the shoulders are grassy for when they finally tip over,” explained Mr. Buddenburps.
When it was pointed out that Pear Pad Road is not five kilometers long, Ms. Fitzclabber responded, “Oh, sure. But nobody has ever made it even one kilometer so far. We just like the way 5K sounds. Most of them are already drunk when they start the race, and it doesn’t take them long to give out.”
“There is the added bonus that we are able to reclaim the bikes after the racers pass out and return them to their rightful owners whenever possible. Plus, we don’t ever have to offer any real prizes, because most of the men won’t remember the race tomorrow,” said Mr. Buddenburps. “It is a very inexpensive event to put on.
“Oops! There goes the first one,” sighed Ms. Fitzclabber as a contestant ran off the road fifteen feet past the starting line. Mr. Buddenburps smiled sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders.