Kill Devil Hills – Dr. Prudence Lemmon, Director of Feminist Litigation for the American Civil Liberties Union, appeared at a news conference today to bring attention to what she calls “a disturbing gender bias in double-entendres used by local businesses.” The news conference, held in the First Flight High School auditorium, was attended by around fifty local feminists and representatives of both Hampton Roads and Greenville media outlets.
“While I personally find many of these salacious slogans and logos in very poor taste, I think that it is even more disturbing that they are all male-oriented. ‘Dirty Dick’s is barely even a double-entendre for male parts, ‘I Got Your Crabs’ sounds like a juvenile male boast, the Spanky’s logo is quite suggestive of, well, you know what, and even the grocery store boasts that ‘You Can’t Beat Our Meat!'”
At this point, Dr. Lemmon had to pause in her statement, clearly flustered by the gender imbalance that she was describing. When she had collected herself, she continued, “Even the Lone Cedar restaurant got into the patriarchal act a few years ago when they offered T-shirts with the logo ‘Fastest Erection on the Beach’ to boast about the alacrity with which their building was constructed, which is similar to the one sold at the Brew Station that says ‘Largest Erection on the beach.'”
“Now, what do all of these naughty, suggestive words and pictures have in common?” asked Dr. Lemmon, fanning herself with her hand and pursing her lips sternly. “They each allude to male sexuality. Not a single slogan or logo referencing females in a sex-positive way anywhere in Dare County. What message is this sending to our daughters?”
In response to a reporter question about the Kitty Hawk Hooters restaurant, Dr. Lemmon scowled sourly and snapped back “Yes, and it went out of business, didn’t it? Evidently, on the Outer Banks if one wishes to be successful in business, one may refer leeringly only to the male apparatus. It is quite disconcerting!”
Dr. Lemmon finished by calling on all liberal feminists and any men who are not too blinded by their own testosterone to boycott all businesses with gender-specific double-entendres. She urged local business owners to be creative with gender-neutral or female empowering innuendos. She even suggested several herself, but none of these slogans will be appropriate to publish publicly until they appear on signs outside local businesses, but please feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comments.