Month: July 2016

Colington – The world record for the most Driving While Impaired charges has been reclaimed by Colingtonian Lewis “DUI Louie” Twilette. On Tuesday, the International Olympic Committee declared invalid seven of the last eight arrests of Russian DWI leader Ivan P’Yanyy-Zhopa. IOC investigators have evidence that the Russian’s high Breathalyzer results were due to blood doping. Mr. P’Yanyy-Zhopa was allegedly using a 100 proof Smirnoff IV drip to maintain a consistent blood-alcohol level in advance of his arrests. P’Yanyy-Zhopa and Twilette were expected to compete head-to- head later this summer during the Rio Olympics, but it is not clear at this point if the IOC will allow Mr. P’yayy-Zhopa to participate in this year’s games.

Mr. Twilette came to the attention of the world DWI community in 2011 when he accomplished the exceedingly difficult Quintuple Drunken Lutz, with arrests in the counties of Dare, Hyde, Pasquotank, Tyrrell and Currituck all within a 24-hour period. Since then, he has gone on to record an average of 30 DWI charges per year, including a high of 39 in 2014.

The sanctions against his Russian counterpart leaves Mr. Twilette atop the field of DWI competitors in overall driver’s license points and moves Asmundur Coddsakgrabver of Iceland into second.

Speaking on behalf of his client, attorney/spokesman Phillip O’Conner stated that, afterhe regains consciousness, “DUI Louie” will be thrilled to learn he is once again the Drunk Driving World Champion. Additionally, Mr. O’Conner fully expects his client to set a new DWI World Record during the Rio Olympics. Mr. O’Conner stated Mr. Twilette is not deterred by the threat of the Zika virus as his permanently elevated blood alcohol level has already proven inhospitable to rabies, smallpox and influenza.

Buxton – The park service announced a new solution to the prickly beach driving issue. Instead of watching a video and paying $100 to drive on the beach. Now people can strap into the new beach driving simulator.

Enjoy driving your computer generated truck with your simulated family on pristine beaches. You don’t have to worry about getting your 4×4 dirty.

“I think we have found a happy medium,” said Defender of Wildlife spokesperson Lauren Stalls said.” This allows the birds to have the beach to themselves like it should be, and those beach drivers can pretend to destroy their habitat.”

“It was pretty neat, but it is hard to drink a beer with this headset on,” said test driver Gary Stevenson.

The program is still in testing, but the park service hopes to roll it out this Fall.

 

 

Phil Holt, a Kitty Hawk resident was taking his usual morning beach jog, heading north of the Hilton Garden Inn. What happened next sounds like a vivid dream, or perhaps a hallucination. But Holt insists it was real.

“I was having a really good run and decided to push further north than usual. Suddenly I was shrouded in an incredibly dense fog; the kind you might see on an episode of ‘Sleepy Hollow’ or one of those GOP presidential debates last winter.”

Holt said when he emerged from the fog bank he found himself on a pristine beach occupied by a mere handful of beachgoers.

“There were beautiful oceanfront homes, dolphins frolicking in the water and not a single kid in sight. Wild unicorns roamed the beach and seagulls were swaddled in diapers. The scent of collagen mingled with suntan lotion.”

Holt said he spied a small gathering of four elderly people and as he approached he could hear them in engaged in animated discourse.

“I’m telling you, the quality of The Club’s food has declined,” said one lady who appeared to be in her seventies and sporting a tennis visor.

“I know,” said a man who appeared to be her husband, wearing an ensemble that included a knit Polo shirt, Bermuda shorts, held up by a belt decorated with gamefish and sailboats. On his feet were beach sandals with black socks.

“Who pairs squab with Pinot Grigio? Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows squab demands an earthy Burgundy,” he sniffed. “Next thing you know they’ll start serving grits without shrimp and unpronounceable cheeses folded in.”

A third member of the group, a timid looking male warned the others in sotto voce, “Be careful. People have been ‘disappeared’ for criticizing The Club.”

Holt said he approached the group, complimented them on their unspoiled and virtually empty strand of beach, and then innocently asked “What is this place?”

The gentleman who had been ranting about the squab narrowed his eyes, according to Holt, and demanded to know “who I was, how I got there, and whether I thought the C-Class Mercedes line was diluting the brand.”

One of the ladies whipped a cell phone from her purse and said she was calling the police.

Alarmed, Holt ran back in the direction he came from, re-entered the fog bank and emerged a few seconds later right in front of the Hilton Gardens.

After dinner, Holt got into his car and drove north on Highway 12, through the town of Southern Shores looking for signs of the magical beach.

“I didn’t see one public beach access. Not one. I looked for hours, but near as I could tell, there is no beach north of Kitty Hawk.

Holt has tried to replicate his beach jog but has been unable to relocate the fog bank.

“I’ll keep trying,” he promised. “You can’t keep a beach hidden from the public forever.”

Hyde County – Davey Jones, spokesman for the Hyde County Board of Commissioners, surprised county residents with news of the pending sale of Ocracoke Island to famed television personality Oprah Winfrey.

“Once finalized, Miss Winfrey will become the sole owner and operator of Ocracoke,” said Jones. “We are not sure what her plans are in regards to ferry tolls.”

The OBX Report reached out to Harpo Productions, Winfrey’s multimedia production company for further comment. Mr. Perple, a representative of the acquisitions branch of the company, confirmed the purchase and said, “Miss Winfrey’s plans for the island are still under development. However, as is her custom when taking over a new property, there will be significant rebranding. The island will be renamed “Opracoke” and the annual fig festival will be replaced with a Chicago Deep Dish Pizza event.”

Ocracoke residents had mixed feeling about their new landlord.

“I love me some Oprah. Been peddling this dern Huffy for 25 years. Maybe she’ll give us all new cars. Or golf carts,” said Mrs. Mary Killigrew, an Ocracoke resident since 1971. “

Mr. Robert Culliford, a lifetime resident of Ocracoke, disagreed. “If it ain’t tradition, it ain’t Ocracoke.

We don’t need no Yankee carpretbagger coming in here and tellin’ us how to run things.”

Sale of the island must ultimately be approved by the General Assembly and Governor McCrory, but little if any opposition to the plan is expected. Governor McCrory hinted at a recent press conference that he’d be willing to throw in Jennette’s Pier as part of the deal for a reasonable price.