Jennette’s Pier, Nags Head – Today on historic Jennette’s Pier at Whalebone Junction in Nags Head, Governor Pat McCrory announced an aggressive beach nourishment program for the Outer Banks of North Carolina. After a brief introduction by State Senator Phil “No Homo” Berger, McCrory spoke to those assembled on the concrete pier.
“I want to thank the great people of Dare County for the warm welcome. Tourism is the engine of the local economy, and I know that beach erosion is a serious problem for the residents and for the small businesses that make this country great. I want you to know that I have heard your complaints.” The crowd gave a smattering of polite applause.
“Now, although there is no real scientific proof that global warming exists, we plan to do something about it anyway. Now, sure, we could come up with some big government program to dredge up sand from the ocean floor and spread it along the beach, but isn’t throwing government money around the real problem? Private enterprise has always proven to do a better job for less money, and it just so happens that at the exact time I need material to put on our beaches, I have friends in private industry who have quite a bit of material that they need to get rid of. Two birds with one stone, so to speak.” The crowd exhibited a mixture of cautious optimism and dawning realization.
“To that end,” the governor announced, “my friends at Duke Energy, who have been so generous to my campaigns and the campaigns of my friends in the North Carolina General Assembly, have graciously offered to transport all of the coal ash in their containment basins out to the coast to be spread along the beaches from the Virginia border down to Ocracoke. We estimate that this selfless act by one of our most valued industrial partners, will extend the beach an average of one hundred to one hundred fifty feet.”
“Now, some people may complain about the color of the ash, but do you know how much people pay to go to Hawaii to see the black sands on their coastline? We will have the only black beaches on the east coast, unless we can get more offshore drilling approved, and it will be a major tourist draw and boon to the local economy.”
“And to those who keep whining about chromium in the coal ash, think about this. When I was a kid, chromium was a good thing. We put it on our cars to make them shiny, and we were proud of it. I guess maybe liberal tree-huggers aren’t proud of America, but gosh darn it, I sure am.” The crowd roared with applause at the mention of the name of their country, and responded with an impromptu chant of “‘Murrica, ‘Murrica, ‘Murrica”.
Beaming in the glow of North Carolina patriotism, McCrory continued his speech: “When we have extended the beaches, we plan to start building up the elevation of coastal properties a uniform fifty feet above sea level using the same coal ash. Certainly, most houses will have to be raised, but this will take them out of the flood zone, saving millions of dollars in flood insurance, and the construction industry will get a windfall from the house-raising jobs. It’s a win-win.”
Following the announcement, McCrory flashed a double-V for Victory sign, marked his territory at the end of the pier, and was driven back to Raleigh in a sleek black limousine.