Wanchese – Natives and long-time locals of this coastal fishing village on the south end of Roanoke Island will soon see a familiar face in the Wanchese Winn-Dixie. At the end of the checkout line they may notice a strange bearded figure bagging their groceries, Johnny Nepkin. With his colorful clothing and pointy hat, he has stood as a warning figure for generations of Wanchesers.
Shopper Theodore “Fink” Daniels remembers his mother telling him that “if I didn’t behave, Johnny Nepkin would visit in the night, toss me into a sack, and carry me off into the swamp.” Fink and many others in the village often kept to the straight and narrow to avoid being abducted by this local Boogie Man.
Nonetheless, after decades of frightening children, Mr. Nepkin is now working at an hourly-wage job at the local supermarket. When asked what prompted the career change, Nepkin replied, “I don’t know. I believe in my heart that I was serving an important purpose for the community and that several kids turned their lives around because of me. But I gotta tell you, it is hard on the soul to do that kind of work. Kids can be exhausting, especially when you are stealing them from their homes in the night.”
When pressed, though, Nepkin admits that he may have had other reasons to pursue a different path: “OK, OK, I’m being straight with you here, it didn’t help that Goat Man retired to write that stupid blog. We had a partnership, and without him, I have nowhere to take the sacks of kids. He left me high and dry. Anyway, if he can make an honest living, I figure I can, too.”
At this point, the store manager walked by and glared pointedly at Nepkin. “Listen,” the former mass kidnapper hissed, hastily bagging a two-liter bottle of Tahitian Treat, a Fleet enema, and a box of Ho-Ho’s, “I have to get back to work. I need this job, man. I applied everywhere, but with my resume, well, bagging things is pretty much all I have ever done.”
Cashier Joanne “Toenail” Midgette added, “Yeah, I grew up terrified of Johnny Nepkin, and I have to say it was really creepy working next to him the first couple of days, but man, can that guy bag some groceries. He keeps us all laughing, too, I mean, seriously, Dude, that hat!”
After his shift, Nepkin admitted that the hours are longer than he is used to working, but at least the job is during daylight hours: “That’s one good thing, I guess. I was always on third shift before, but now I get to have a semi-normal life. Matter of fact, I am meeting Goat Man for an after-hours drink right now. We’re going to go sit up on the top deck at Mulligan’s, and drink Orange Crushes. Goat Man, of course, only drinks Bloody Mary’s, like that isn’t completely cliché.” Nepkin rolled his eyes and chortled, got on his moped, and puttered away toward the beach, now just another regular guy trying to survive.