After a story about a venomous strain of hermit crab, known as the Viper Crab, appeared in the OBX Report, gullible store owners across the Outer Banks began destroying their hermit crab stocks to prevent the spread of the invasive species. Complicating matters, many well intentioned merchants flushed their hermit crabs down the toilet, causing a surge in emergency plumbing calls.
The OBX Report would remind readers that this publication is a satirical news site and what appears on our pages is, in fact, only marginally more factual than a typical presidential candidate’s press release. In point of fact, we are glad readers enjoy our stories, but they should not be taken seriously, and for the love of all that is holy, nobody should start a jihad against innocent creatures such as hermit crabs based on our reporting.
So, to summarize, Viper Crabs, much like the Loch Ness Monster, Giant Sea Gulls in Hatteras, Big Foot and Trump University Diplomas (or, if you prefer, commemorative shell casings from the Hillary Clinton Bosnian sniper attack.) are not real. Complete fabrications. While it is true, as carcinologist Dr. Samuelson noted in the original report, both Nile Crabs and wolf spiders have eight legs, it is simply not possible for them to produce offspring that are not sterile. Kind of like that whole thing with horse, donkeys and mules.
In any case, we sincerely regret any role we have played in the destruction of the local captivate hermit crab population. If you have not murdered your hermit crab yet, please refrain from doing so based on our previous story. It will likely die by its own volition in 4-6 weeks after purchase anyway. No need to steal what few precious moments your pet has left.
And please stop emailing, calling, and texting us. We said we were sorry. It was enough for Mel Gibson. It should be enough for you.