Month: September 2016

Dare Center – An argument was left unsettled today as Kitty Hawk resident Brittany Climbers and her roommate Steph Hammer debated the nick names they would use for the new grocery stores on the beach.

“We agreed Shitty Kitty was better than Food Dog so why can’t we agree that Pube Licks is the better name?” Brittany asked her friend.

“It’s not just about which one is more vulgar,” Steph replied annoyed, “It has to have a ring to it. I don’t feel like saying Pube Licks all the time. Shitty Kitty is fun to say. I’m sticking with my idea to call it Puke Dicks.”

“Aww come on,” Brittany pleaded, “it’s not like that rolls off the tongue. I know Pube Licks is not as good as Hairy Peeter, but I think it will grow on you.”

“No way! I’m not saying it, and I’m calling dibs on Trader Joe’s being  Faded Hoes,” Steph said with a smile.

“Faded? I think you are stretching it too far. You could have just gone with Traded Hoes. You know because hoes get traded around by pimps, and what not.”

“Human trafficking is nothing to joke about, Britt,” Steph said sternly, “didn’t you watch that documentary I told you to watch?”

“I thought someone said the store was going to be an Aldi anyway,” Brittany replied.

“Aldi? What the hell are we gonna call that?”

Locals and tourist alike are struggling today after a category 4 hurricane party hit the Outer Banks on Labor Day weekend. The governor has declared a state of emergency, and emergency services are working overtime trying to clean up the mess that is the OBX right now.

With no power and fading cell phone batteries, people had very few excuses not to party. “It was a rough, hot Summer; people were ready to cut loose,” Said Hurricane Party expert Niles Anderson.

After a Summer of flat or lackluster sales many businesses worried that Tropical Storm Hermine would extinguish their last hope at a good year.  Early reports are showing that is the case for businesses that make their money on outdoor activities like jet ski rentals and horse tours. Alcohol purchases on the other hand were up by triple digit percentages. The tax generated alone by these sales was enough to balance the state budget.

Sound side flooding has begun to recede, but the hangover is showing no signs of stopping. In fact when the flood waters were tested, they were found to have a B.A.C. of .13. Well above the legal limit for flooding.

Erosion has been rampant and wide spread. From the beach road in Kitty Hawk, to the causeway, to the beaches of Hatteras island, to the esophagus. Experts are making rough estimates that Hurricane Hermine has caused at least 3 million dollars in damage to the livers of local party goers. FEMA issued a statement reminding people that they will not be distributing money to those who’s damage is self inflicted.

“Ain’t no party like a hurricane party,” Said local bar scene regular Ashley Johnston. When asked to elaborate her only reply was, “Because it’s a hurricane party! Woooo!”

Local government officials were able to use radar and social media to track the intensity of the hurricane partying. “We saw a lull in the partying Saturday morning. That is what is called the eye of the hurricane party. But by the time the power cut out around noon, the festivities resumed with sustained parting of 50 gusts of up 95 beers per hour.”

Walgreens, CVS, and Rite Aid are all reporting severe shortages on Tums, Imodium, Maalox, and Alka Seltzer. Breakfast restaurants are putting extra bacon grease in their food this morning to do their part. Emergency services are requesting that people stay in their homes, until their blood alcohol level returns to normal.

With power still not restored in some places, county officials are worried the partying will continue. “Our guys are working as fast as we safely can to get the power on so people stop drinking,” said Virginia Powerman Bill, “I got crews from all over Virginia down here to help fix this, and they are working overtime. I would just like to ask people to stop harassing and obstructing them. We have to turn the power back on, and no we can’t go somewhere else first. You have to work tomorrow anyway, it is time to stop partying.”

Corolla – 12 year old Bobby Jameson from White Sulfur Springs West Virginia is ready to hit the surf with his newly acquired Great White Shark Styrofoam body board. He has been training for months in his Grandmother’s bath tub, and watching footage from his spectacular display last year.

“I think I can improve on a few things,” Bobby informed this reporter unprovoked as we were voraciously eating all the free cookies, “I’m gonna try and get closer to the beach so the wave is already crashed when I ride it. Then it will push me way harder directly straight into the sand.”

“He’s a natural,” Bobby’s mom volunteered as this reporter was trying to look away without feigning interest, “Last year he flipped completely over when he rode the wave in! His Nana was so proud of him she almost got out of her Tommy Bahama beach chair.”

“I wish I could buy two boards,” Bobby said as he followed the reporter who had finished stuffing the remaining cookies into his cargo shorts and began walking to the exit, “since I broke my board half way through vacation last year, and I lost out on shredding it those last three days.”

“One board is enough,” His mother said in an accent that can’t be described here without offending people, “It’s the best beach toy because when it breaks open all the little Styrofoam comes out, and dissolves in the ocean. You don’t have to worry about dragging it up the long walk to the beach house. The the boards just magically take care of themselves.”

“I think I can do a 360 no scope on my board this year,” Bobby kept on about as this reporter frantically blew into the blow and go in order to start his scooter, “I’m gonna show all those skim boarders I can do just as good as them one day. Mom says when Nana dies we will have enough money for a Hard Slick™.”