Month: October 2016

Kill Devil Hills – Harry Clark, the man the Report previously highlighted for not preparing, woke up up hungover and wet on Monday morning. “At first I thought I’d pee’d ma self,” Mr. Clark said, “then I realized that the whole rug I was on was wet, and I knew then it couldn’t have been pee since I have a constricted urethra cause mah prostate’s been acting up. After taking a few minutes to get mah bearings I realized the whole room was flooded. I walked out my front door and looked down the beach road and it was like that Kevin Costner movie.”

When asked if he was referring to Water World, the 1995 mega blockbuster flop about a world submerged completely in water, he replied, “No stupid! I mean The Guardian. The one where Kevin is a rescue swimmers for the coast guard. I was Kevin and my trashcans and lawn furniture were the crew of the fishing vessel stuck in a crazy storm in the Bering Straight that needed saving. Mah dog, Jerry, played Ashton Kucher. Anyway we get out there and it’s blowing a gale, pouring rain, flood water everywhere. I didn’t have time to think so I grabbed mah beer cooler and dragged it back to the house, narrowly missing a port o pottie as it floated by. All my friends from the Hurricane party were gone, but I still had some Tecate and limes in the cooler.”

As we conducted the interview from our kayak we could see a tree leaning on his partially submerged house. Trash was floating all around, and it looked like he was drying clothing on the downed power line. When asked if he regretted believing the forecasts, he had this to say, “Well I didn’t believe the first one that said it was going to hit us, and I felt real smart when the later ones showed us it would miss us and turn back south, so it stands to reason that I was dumb for not believing the forecast then dumb again for believing it. So two dumbs cancel out and mean I was smart all along. I shoulda gone with my gut and do what I usually do: ignore and distrust everything from the government. The only good thing that comes out of Washington is the Redskins!”

Kill Devil Hills – A local man, Harry Clark, felt rather proud of himself for his lack of preparation for the oncoming hurricane. While his neighbors were securing their trash cans and yard furniture, he was shaking his head saying, “Not yet.”
“I feel like procrastination paid off this time,” He explained to the Report, “I was a little hesitant to hesitate after how unprepared for Tropical Storm Hermine I was. My garbage can blew over and it was all over the neighborhood. I had a branch go through my window too. It almost made me regret staying out at the bar until one in the morning the night of the storm. I just have to keep reminding myself that you never know how those things are going to move around. I been down here 42 years, and I have seen ‘em swing out into the ocean or change their route and go into Florida. I read the fine print on that weather channel website. It says the hurricane only stays in the cone 60-70% of the time. That means a third of the time my doing nothing is the right decision. It’s not a good strategy when you look at the numbers, but it feels good, just like being a Redskins fan.”