Month: November 2016

Kill Devil Hills – Barbara Alsnoght took to the Local Facebook group to demand a closure to the immensely popular Aviation Skate Park this week. Apparently she has different opinions than other people on parenting, and thinks letting children play without strict supervision is a recipe for disaster.

“You should have heard the language out of their mouths,” She said as she gesticulated hand movements to emphasize her astonishment, “They were rude to my child who wanted to play on the box in the park! He has just as much a right to ride his razor scooter over the bumps and dohickeys as they have.”

Other parents joined in to express their displeasure at the urban music being played. “I’m not trying to sound like an old person,” said local old person Stephen Warners, “but this rap stuff they listen to isn’t even music. Its all F this and F that and N-word this and that. Not to mention how it objectifies women. It’s not something I want my children listening to,” he said as he gestured to his young boys in the back seat of his car while 95.3 played a Motley Crue song.

“I just want to be able for my child to be able to go everywhere and never be exposed to anything I don’t like,” said fellow outraged mother, Sharron Harrell, “Is that too much to ask?”

When some people, who obviously don’t know what it’s like to have kids, decided to defend the skate park the discussion got heated. They tried to point out a lot things that were not wrong, but in no way changed how angry those parents were.

“I don’t care what they say,” Alsnoght continued to argue, “if other people’s children don’t behave the way I want, I think I should be able to punish them. That goes for young adults hanging out there too. These millennials are so entitled that they think they can defy me when I demand they behave how I want them to in public! How dare they exercise their freedom of speech and expression when I don’t like it. Close the park!”

“My son is on the football team, and he assures me that there is no cussing or bullying going on there,” said another angry mother, “maybe we should put these delinquents on the football team so they can learn some character. My husband plays golf with his friends, and they tell me that there is no bullying or cursing there either. If we close the park maybe they will take up a real sport.”

“There are only 4 other playgrounds within a mile of the park. Where am I supposed to take my kid to play and not have them exposed to these feral children. What are their parent’s thinking by letting them make their own decisions? This is what happens when you let your children eat gluten.”

“We all go through that phase,” said KDH Officer Steve Follwer, “I had a Black Flag shirt when I was in high school, and my hair almost grew past my ears! I go over there occasionally and mix it up with the kids, and let them know I’m still cool and they can talk to me.” When asked how his department plans to chaperon the park he said, “are you serious?  We have real work to do. Anyway, skateboarding isn’t a crime! I had that T-shirt too in high school, and a Bob Marley one, but don’t print that. I don’t want the boss to know about that phase.”

Still people were not relenting with their demands that all public places meet their standards or be closed. One agitated parent even went as far to demand the public beach access by her house should be closed because too many “Colington” people gathered there. “Surely you see how a few anti social deviants can ruin a place so completely, that there is no hope of anyone else ever having fun their again,” she continued, “If we allow just one person to misbehave without shutting down these places, we will have ceded our island to Satan.” (Editor’s Note: Satan was unavailable for comment, even after I sacrificed numerous small creatures to him. Apparently he is still mad about getting fooled by the Cantore story.)

“It’s these entitled millennials!” said another commenter, ” They got a trophy even if they were losers, and now they demand the same rights that were afforded to us by our parents generation! What arrogance! We just want them to follow social norms just like us Gen X-ers did.”

Unfortunately the local skaters had not much to say on the issue. When The Report asked why they didn’t comment, a local skater in beanie replied, “because I’m not joining some dumbass Facebook group, my hobby is skating, not bitching on social media,” then he put on sunglasses, took a pull of a cigarette and skated away like a badass.

Dare County has been included in District 10 by the organizers of the First Annual Hungry Games, a placement that has confounded local leaders and prompted protests in downtown Manteo. District 10 stretches north from the Outer Banks and includes the Hampton Roads area communities, Petersburg and Richmond.

Dare County Commissioner Rooster Crowcall stated, “Being lumped in with a large population of city-dwellers puts us at a tremendous disadvantage. We were really hoping to be in District 9 with Hyde, Tyrell  and Beaufort. Them boys can hunt, fish and make a crossbow out of two sticks and a scrunchie. They know how to survive.”

Nags Head town manager Cliff Oddturn agreed, stating that it was unlikely that District 10 would ever see extra food rations, let alone luxury items granted to the winner of the Hungry Games. He said that the burden of fielding tributes for the Games would likely fall on Outer Banks residents for the foreseeable future, noting that at the very least skills like fishing and hang-gliding could have some tangential benefits for competitors. He did not see the “soft-handed office types” that make up the majority of the population in the urban areas of District 10 being able to field decent participants for the Games.

But the ever-optimistic District 10 representative Beffie Troswell stated she believed the odds to be in District 10’s favor.

“We have over forty-six Crossfit gyms in District 10. That’s 100% more than in all of District 9 put together! Crossfit warriors are in superb shape: anyone who can do the McCluskey or a Filthy Fifty should be able to handle a broadsword, right? Besides, those icky illegal aliens live in District 9. Who wants to be teammates with a bug-man-thing?”

The inaugural Hungry Games will be held on April 1st, 2017 at AT&T stadium in Arlington, Texas.

Nags Head – Police are reporting multiple arrests and hospitalizations in what they are calling a gang fight between tribute bands. The two bands are being identified as “The Garden Grove All Stars” and the “Lou Dogs.”

The Report was able to interview multiple members of both bands immediately after the incident.

When asked how the altercation started, Rashi, the drummer for the Lou Dogs said, “Well it all started when that bumbasquat Jessi (the guitarist for the All Stars) come up and he want tell me, Garden Grove All Stars play it better than we. We might not be from L.A. but that don’t mean we fuck around. Well I told that bendejo if he starts talking trash I’ll pull out my Smith and Wesson. ”

“Rashi, was the one who started the argument,” stated All Star’s bassist, Vance, “We were all at a party, a house party, and everyone was getting along. Everyone was drinking and participating in some anarchy. That guy, Rashi, he comes up and starts talking trash. I swear he has a mouth like a motorbike. I told him don’t push because I have my wooden baseball bat, and shiney silver gat, and my homies have my back. That’s all I need. Rashi surely hadn’t taken the lesson.”

Lou Dogs’ back up singer Aisha told the Report, “That Rashi, a lover is the reason why his souls unsound. His ex girl Hannah ran off with this guy named Sancho. Ever since then he really can’t define what he wants to say, so he acts out violently. When our crews run into each other he sees Bradlee’s(All Star’s lead singer) girl Ramona, and he can tell without asking she’s into the blues, if you know what I’m saying. He wanted to get that chica on his tipa.”

“Bradlee was not having that,” said Lou Dog’s tour manager Jermaine West, “as soon as Rashi started acting like he was the man with the master plan, Bradlee saw red. He doesn’t like the way Rashi is drinking and dancing trying to turn it out with his girl. He’s raging and swirling and burning inside. He tells him to shut up his mouth before he gets knocked out. Well Rashi didn’t want to hear that. Since he left the pen he bought himself a gun. To conquer was his goal, and with a pistol in his pocket and a bottle full of booze, he starts telling, stories, tales, lies, and exaggerations about the All Stars.”

“I was in the middle of them,” Ramona told the Report, ”I was saying don’t push, don’t push, but they didn’t want to listen. Rashi starts telling Bradlee that people don’t want to pay no money fee for the same old sound. Bradlee wasn’t trying to battle. He was just trying to let the lovin’ take hold over him, but some jealous punk snuck up around his back. Lord he got into a fist fight, and wound up in jail all night.”

It turns out the jealous punk Ramona was referring to was none other than Bradlie, the lead singer for the Lou Dogs. As the front men duked it out for Sublime tribute supremacy, the other band members joined into the melee.

“You can’t fight against our group, because we’re strong. When I saw Bradlee getting whaled on by Bradlie, I saw red! I had to be there,” Garden Grove All Star’s guitarist, Rudy, told us after the police were finished taking his statement, “I grabbed my forty ounce and headed right for that fool, Rashi. I ain’t afraid of him, he ain’t nothing but a man.”

“She’s scandalous and evil, most definitely,” An All Star’s groupie who wishes to remain unnamed told us, “She instigated the whole thing. Flirting with Rashi right in front of Bradlee. Rashi is too good for her. Every day I love him just a little bit more, but he loves me the same. I’ll show Ramona. She better watch my sides, I’m dangerous.”

“Fucking and fighting it’s all the same in the end,” said Lou Dogs bassist Jackson, “Take a tip from me: smoke two joints in the morning. Smoke two joints at night. Smoke two joints in the afternoon, and you’ll feel alright.”

“We confiscated a ridiculous amount and variety of marijuana. Other drugs too: mushroom tea, ecstasy, nitrous, opium, acid, heroin, and PCP,” said Nags Head Police Officer Brown, “They have been touring to the North, South, East, and West, and they picked up a lot of drugs on the way. It was chaos on the scene when we arrived. Bradlee had Bradlie in a Kung Fu grip, but payback’s a mother fucking bitch, and Bradlee is a man with a real strong will to survive, He starts pulling out Bradlie’s dreads and whipping him with them. I would not lie to you. That’s when another suspect started to pelt us with stones and sticks. We have seen events like this get out of control-”

“Like the time they tried to burn the liquor store down to the ground.” Interjected Officer Brown’s superior, Lieutenant Drucher, “Some idiot even ran at us hollerin’ ‘187’, so we put him down with a taser. Once the other band members saw that they gave us no trouble, no fuss, except for that Rashi character. He was face down in the yard mumbling ‘what happen’, but he kept pushing on even though he was barely alive towards Ramona, so we restrained him. Once backup arrived we interviewed everyone that hadn’t run off to their secret tweaker pad. We let them know we were sick and tired of their activities and their untruths. They kept stonewalling us, so we took them all to jail. It’s all the same in the end to me. Well except for the paperwork.”

Dare County has had to pay overtime to police and court staff to wade through the mountain of charges filed against both bands. An Assistant District Attorney admitted that this will put the courts behind for weeks.

The Outer Banks has long been a stop on tour for Sublime tribute bands. When asked why a local promoter quipped, “either because the residents have impeccable and eclectic taste in classic music, or because it is one of the only places the 20 year old music about being a drug addict is still relevant.”

Both bands plan on continuing their tours once they manage to get enough cash to bail out all the members. In the meantime the few members currently not doin’ time have found they need a place to stay. Anyone chill with a couch or van is being asked to help out.

The Société of the Tribe of Dare has announced their annual gathering will be held at Ft. Raleigh in August 2017.

While 98% of historians agree that the 114 members of the Lost Colony either perished during an unusually hellish Pleiades meteor shower or were consumed by bears, there has long been a fringe group of researchers who have disagreed. The point to evidence such as the Eleanor Dare Stones, the literary works of E.A.B. Shackelford, and an eye-witness illustration of an unknown Native Americans spiriting away a woman who looks suspiciously like Virginia Dare.

“I found this hand-written paper of my grandfather’s with one of those tree-branch things that shows where you came from,” Goldberg said. “It shows how we’re related to the Kennedy’s and then you follow that branch back on past Mary Todd Lincoln and then there’s a direct line of descendants right to Virginia Dare. Her blood runs in my veins.”

“I got the STD going way back in 1929,” Woolblend said. “Ever since, I worked tirelessly to bring the STD’s message to as many people as I could: that Virginia Dare is alive in so many of us and we’re special. I reckon I brought over three thousand people into the STD’s embrace in my lifetime, and who knows how many people they’ve touched.”

“When you came around the turn at the church going 45 into the bank, you felt like you were at Talladega,” he said reminiscing to anyone who would listen at T.J.s.

The infamous “church turn” was diverted years ago in the interest of safety, but Boney was not consulted.

“I remember the first time I almost got hit there,” he said longingly as he looked up, “you really felt alive in those days. Back then people knew what Colington was about: drinking, smoking weed, being awesome, and almost dying on your way to and from work. Shits changed now man, shits changed.”

“My mom told me that they changed it because so many people died there,” said some kid who stopped to listen before a parent quickly ushered them away from Boney.

“Yeah people died there,” Boney said stoically, “but they also lived there too.”

As the chief sluice operator for the hopper dredge Currituck, Dwight Fettig had seen a number of surprising things pulled up from the bottom of the ocean.

Trapped in the wire mesh drag filter was a 17th century cutlass with a gold and jewel encrusted pommel. When workers opened the trap to retrieve the sword, a dozen gold doubloons spilled onto the deck along with rotten planks from a chest.

Knowing he had to act quickly to preserve his claim to the treasure, the Currituck’s captain, Joel Benson lept into the chilly waters of the Albemarle Sound, a bowline clenched firmly between his teeth. After three tries he was able to locate the hulk of the Sith’s Revenge, Blackbeard’s second favorite sloop, jutting from the sediment on the bottom of the Sound. Tying off the rope to the rotting bowsprit, Cpt. Benson triggered Article 4 of the Law of the Sea and the Sith’s treasure belonged to him and his crew.

The Currituck was last seen steaming south in the direction of St. Lucia, the crew bellowing classic sea chanteys, as the Jolly Roger flew from the mast. Ships in the area are warned to steer clear.

Duck – His friends thought he was crazy when he booked a beach cottage for November, but Howard Wang knew he got a good deal. “My coworkers pay five times as much as I did to come here in July and August. I was able to rent a massive, 10 bedroom house for my family of five.”

“We aren’t exactly a big swimmers, in that we don’t swim like at all, so we really don’t mind that the weather isn’t ideal for beach-going. We got the picture with the white shirts on, and then went to a movie.”

Local realtor Shelly Vanderbilt says ocean averse tourist are a hot new demographic for off-season rentals. “It used to be family reunions, fisherman, birders, or weddings looking to save money, but now we have these families that want to vacation like their friends, but don’t want to actually want anything to do with the water. The advantages are not just monetary. There are a lot fewer lines for places like restaurants or museums. The weather isn’t so sweltering for out door activities. The wild horses are much more docile this time of year. Also the mosquitoes and venomous hermit crabs are much less of a nuisance.”

The orbit of Earth’s moon has brought it closer to our planet than any time since 1948, creating a “Super Moon” effect much to the delight of amateur astronomers, backwoods alcohol producers, ghost crab hunters, and werewolves.  But the Moon’s proximity has caused untold grief to a significant portion of the world’s population: men.

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta has reported a 729% increase in emergency room visits for erectile dysfunction (ED) since Sunday when the Moon began its climatic near-approach to the Earth. Researchers are still unsure of the correlation between ED and the Moon’s proximity to the Earth but a number of theories have been proposed by the chief scientist working on the problem, Dr. Robert Enzite.

“There may be an inverse relationship between the increased effect of the Moon’s gravitational pull and the ability for males to achieve tumescence,” Dr. Enzite said. “That or everybody is just partying too much after the erection, I mean, election, and can’t get it up.”

On the Outer Banks, the ED Effect has created interesting fluctuations in the local economy. Pharmacies have reported massive sales in morning-before pills such as Viagra, Cialis, and Sexual Tyrannosaurs. On the flip side, the grand opening of the Dare County’s first porn emporium “Leather and More Leather” was a total flop. The few attendees said they “just weren’t feeling it” before wandering off to check out the newly redesigned North Carolina Aquarium on Roanoke Island.

Oregon Inlet – The U.S. Coast Guard christened their newest addition to the fleet this week, The Explorer 200. This light weight man-powered boat is adept at navigating the rough surf and shallow inlets of the Outer Banks or North Carolina.

“She really gives us the power to get a lot closer to the shore than our other boats that have a deeper draft,” said Lt. Steve Walmach, “We have been struggling to get our ships through the New New Inlet, Explorer 200 handles it like a champ.”

“This ship was thoroughly by my 5 year old, Lisa,” said Commander James McOwen, “She was able to get it out past the breakers before my wife made me go get her. This ship is ready to shine!”

Some critics have voiced concerns about the ships build quality. “Do we really want to trust our service member’s lives to an inflatable toy made in China?” questioned Holly Cumstock, of the Center for responsible inflatables, “We have a whitepaper out showing that using an American manufacturer would only increase the price per boat by a hundred and fifty thousand percent. A small price to pay when we are talking about the lives of our Coasties.”

Rear Admiral Johnathan Sharnetz dismissed such complaints as he repeatedly pummeled the boat with a champagne bottle in a vain attempt to christen it. “Sure looks tough enough to me!”