The orbit of Earth’s moon has brought it closer to our planet than any time since 1948, creating a “Super Moon” effect much to the delight of amateur astronomers, backwoods alcohol producers, ghost crab hunters, and werewolves. But the Moon’s proximity has caused untold grief to a significant portion of the world’s population: men.
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta has reported a 729% increase in emergency room visits for erectile dysfunction (ED) since Sunday when the Moon began its climatic near-approach to the Earth. Researchers are still unsure of the correlation between ED and the Moon’s proximity to the Earth but a number of theories have been proposed by the chief scientist working on the problem, Dr. Robert Enzite.
“There may be an inverse relationship between the increased effect of the Moon’s gravitational pull and the ability for males to achieve tumescence,” Dr. Enzite said. “That or everybody is just partying too much after the erection, I mean, election, and can’t get it up.”
On the Outer Banks, the ED Effect has created interesting fluctuations in the local economy. Pharmacies have reported massive sales in morning-before pills such as Viagra, Cialis, and Sexual Tyrannosaurs. On the flip side, the grand opening of the Dare County’s first porn emporium “Leather and More Leather” was a total flop. The few attendees said they “just weren’t feeling it” before wandering off to check out the newly redesigned North Carolina Aquarium on Roanoke Island.