Nags Head – Police are reporting multiple arrests and hospitalizations in what they are calling a gang fight between tribute bands. The two bands are being identified as “The Garden Grove All Stars” and the “Lou Dogs.”
The Report was able to interview multiple members of both bands immediately after the incident.
When asked how the altercation started, Rashi, the drummer for the Lou Dogs said, “Well it all started when that bumbasquat Jessi (the guitarist for the All Stars) come up and he want tell me, Garden Grove All Stars play it better than we. We might not be from L.A. but that don’t mean we fuck around. Well I told that bendejo if he starts talking trash I’ll pull out my Smith and Wesson. ”
“Rashi, was the one who started the argument,” stated All Star’s bassist, Vance, “We were all at a party, a house party, and everyone was getting along. Everyone was drinking and participating in some anarchy. That guy, Rashi, he comes up and starts talking trash. I swear he has a mouth like a motorbike. I told him don’t push because I have my wooden baseball bat, and shiney silver gat, and my homies have my back. That’s all I need. Rashi surely hadn’t taken the lesson.”
Lou Dogs’ back up singer Aisha told the Report, “That Rashi, a lover is the reason why his souls unsound. His ex girl Hannah ran off with this guy named Sancho. Ever since then he really can’t define what he wants to say, so he acts out violently. When our crews run into each other he sees Bradlee’s(All Star’s lead singer) girl Ramona, and he can tell without asking she’s into the blues, if you know what I’m saying. He wanted to get that chica on his tipa.”
“Bradlee was not having that,” said Lou Dog’s tour manager Jermaine West, “as soon as Rashi started acting like he was the man with the master plan, Bradlee saw red. He doesn’t like the way Rashi is drinking and dancing trying to turn it out with his girl. He’s raging and swirling and burning inside. He tells him to shut up his mouth before he gets knocked out. Well Rashi didn’t want to hear that. Since he left the pen he bought himself a gun. To conquer was his goal, and with a pistol in his pocket and a bottle full of booze, he starts telling, stories, tales, lies, and exaggerations about the All Stars.”
“I was in the middle of them,” Ramona told the Report, ”I was saying don’t push, don’t push, but they didn’t want to listen. Rashi starts telling Bradlee that people don’t want to pay no money fee for the same old sound. Bradlee wasn’t trying to battle. He was just trying to let the lovin’ take hold over him, but some jealous punk snuck up around his back. Lord he got into a fist fight, and wound up in jail all night.”
It turns out the jealous punk Ramona was referring to was none other than Bradlie, the lead singer for the Lou Dogs. As the front men duked it out for Sublime tribute supremacy, the other band members joined into the melee.
“You can’t fight against our group, because we’re strong. When I saw Bradlee getting whaled on by Bradlie, I saw red! I had to be there,” Garden Grove All Star’s guitarist, Rudy, told us after the police were finished taking his statement, “I grabbed my forty ounce and headed right for that fool, Rashi. I ain’t afraid of him, he ain’t nothing but a man.”
“She’s scandalous and evil, most definitely,” An All Star’s groupie who wishes to remain unnamed told us, “She instigated the whole thing. Flirting with Rashi right in front of Bradlee. Rashi is too good for her. Every day I love him just a little bit more, but he loves me the same. I’ll show Ramona. She better watch my sides, I’m dangerous.”
“Fucking and fighting it’s all the same in the end,” said Lou Dogs bassist Jackson, “Take a tip from me: smoke two joints in the morning. Smoke two joints at night. Smoke two joints in the afternoon, and you’ll feel alright.”
“We confiscated a ridiculous amount and variety of marijuana. Other drugs too: mushroom tea, ecstasy, nitrous, opium, acid, heroin, and PCP,” said Nags Head Police Officer Brown, “They have been touring to the North, South, East, and West, and they picked up a lot of drugs on the way. It was chaos on the scene when we arrived. Bradlee had Bradlie in a Kung Fu grip, but payback’s a mother fucking bitch, and Bradlee is a man with a real strong will to survive, He starts pulling out Bradlie’s dreads and whipping him with them. I would not lie to you. That’s when another suspect started to pelt us with stones and sticks. We have seen events like this get out of control-”
“Like the time they tried to burn the liquor store down to the ground.” Interjected Officer Brown’s superior, Lieutenant Drucher, “Some idiot even ran at us hollerin’ ‘187’, so we put him down with a taser. Once the other band members saw that they gave us no trouble, no fuss, except for that Rashi character. He was face down in the yard mumbling ‘what happen’, but he kept pushing on even though he was barely alive towards Ramona, so we restrained him. Once backup arrived we interviewed everyone that hadn’t run off to their secret tweaker pad. We let them know we were sick and tired of their activities and their untruths. They kept stonewalling us, so we took them all to jail. It’s all the same in the end to me. Well except for the paperwork.”
Dare County has had to pay overtime to police and court staff to wade through the mountain of charges filed against both bands. An Assistant District Attorney admitted that this will put the courts behind for weeks.
The Outer Banks has long been a stop on tour for Sublime tribute bands. When asked why a local promoter quipped, “either because the residents have impeccable and eclectic taste in classic music, or because it is one of the only places the 20 year old music about being a drug addict is still relevant.”
Both bands plan on continuing their tours once they manage to get enough cash to bail out all the members. In the meantime the few members currently not doin’ time have found they need a place to stay. Anyone chill with a couch or van is being asked to help out.