Cape Hatteras – A joint investigation by the National Park Service, and the OBX Dune Buggy Club has determined that the turtle found run over on the beach was not an accident. The groups are claiming that the turtle knowingly put itself in the path of the oncoming truck. “At first we thought the tire tracks through the back of the turtle were post mortem, and we were investigating a murder, but after we found the turtles tumbler page we realized he threw himself under the wheels of that truck as a form of protest,” says Buggy Club spokesman Gary Meyers.
The National Park Service was somber about the incident. “We take our job of protecting these turtles very seriously. Anytime a turtle dies, we feel it as a personal loss. After finding this turtle we were determined to find who killed it, and and we have done so. As punishment the dead turtle faces a $5000 fine for killing a threatened species,” explained Ranger Sarah Snelling.
As for the children of the deceased turtle, 181 orphans hatched of which 2 are still alive. A Go Fund Me has been set up to care for the remaining 2 left behind.
Defenders of wildlife is already filing no less than 14 different law suits on about the investigation. One of which seeks to euthanize one child from Hatteras for every turtle killed. These suits will likely take years to reach a courtroom, and will end up costing the government and the charity millions all the while accomplishing nothing.
We decided to ask around and see how people felt about the incident.
“If I had it my way, I would pave the access ramps with turtle shells,” said longtime fisherman and potential candidate for Trumps Secretary of the Interior, Jamie Lollins, We have a joke down here that turtles are natures speed bumps. I just hope the guy’s truck is alright.”
We asked famous bird watcher, Molly Sharps, how she and she responded, “These turtles can be hundreds of years old. They come back to the same shore where they were born every year. It is another example of natures miracle. And all it takes to destroy that is one careless person. We have a responsibility to-” At which point the interviewer realized she wasn’t saying anything controversial or funny, so we moved on to the loudest person in the room.
“I’m sick of these turtles committing suicide! These turtles have been actively trying to shut down our commercial fishing nets by killing themselves in protest. They keep jumping in our fishing nets, trying to make us look bad. Does anyone ask why? What do turtles eat? Fish! They hate local fishermen and their families, because they want all the fish for themselves. These selfish greedy turtles expect us to give up our way of life, and if we don’t they will use violence to get what they want. I won’t back down to turtle terrorism, and you shouldn’t either,” said Jeremy Hanks, as the other people in the room distanced themselves from him.
“We need to dedicate $800,000 to improve the county Program for Emergency Sea Turtles immediately,” said Samantha Farthley, the PEST coalition, “We are starting to train volunteers on turtle CPR this month. We encourage anyone who isn’t heartless to take these classes as soon as possible.”
“These turtles bring thousands of dollars a year in tourism to the beaches,” Said Town Manger Jimbob Joyner, “I have seen dozens of people standing around to watch a turtle hatching.”
“We have multiple of our troops committing suicide everyday and people want to worry about a stupid turtle doing it? Typical libtard sheepeeles. I don’t see turtles fighting ISIS. Alex Jones already pointed out this turtle’s death is merely a false flag in order to give ISIS a beachhead on American soil. You think those turtles are all laying eggs? What if one of them laid a thermonuclear device? How would we know?” was the response when we asked some guy we picked up hitchhiking on the causeway.
“We need to focus on the systemic devaluation of the lives of turtles in our society,” said UNC professor Jasmine Ermine, an expert on Turtle law, “There are zero turtles holding office in this state, and only one in US Sentate (McConnell). Not to mention the numerous historical inequities resulting from the turtles having their property rights stolen in unfair treaties. I am calling for massive protests on the scale of Standing Rock to take place on the beaches of Hatteras for the sake of giving the islands back to the Indigenous Chelonians. My fellow protesters and I have already marked off the weeks before and after the 4th of July, so it would be great if everyone could donate to us, because these cottages are expensive. Also if you plan on joining us, remember that this protest is BYOB.”
“Why is no one talking about these negligent welfare queen mother turtles? They have hundreds of babies in government property, and expect tax payers like you and me to protect and support them. Then they just swim back to the ocean and don’t even take care of them. Who’s gonna pick up the bill? I’ll tell you who, it’s people that actually work for a living. We might as well give them free college and health care too. We do that for all the other illegal immigrants. There I said it. These turtles, like our president, don’t have birth certificates. They say they were born here, but how are we supposed to know. They all look alike. They are sending their worst turtles here to steal our money, our fish, and our beaches,” said some chain email that I saw when fixing my uncles computer.
Stephen Stephenson of a local homeowners’ association said, “I heard somewhere online, so I know it has to be true, that one clutch of sea turtles hatching has the same erosion effect as 20 Nor Easters. They are stealing my beaches, and then I have to pay huge tax bills to nourish them, just so the little jerks can come back and wreck them again.”
When tried to interview a turtle we found on the beach yesterday, but he was too stunned to comment. We assume his thoughts and prayers go out to the dead turtle’s family.
If you have comments or opinions better, equal, or stupider to these, please feel free to leave them below so that we may praise, ignore, or ridicule you.
