Last Thursday’s Duck Town Council meeting opened with bad news from Town Manager Christopher Lee. Though Lee addressed the Council in his usual somber tones, there was no mistaking the urgency of his message.
“Duck’s one child policy is no longer sustainable,” Lee said. “In 2016 we experienced the first year of negative population growth. The Town’s Demography Division expects this downward trend will continue and accelerate until 2029 when we will have nobody left in the town.”
The Council was visibly shaken by the news, but Lee was not finished delivering his dire news.
“There are only a handful of Duck women capable of childbearing remaining. Of those, most would need the most advanced medical intervention to conceive. We are going to have to consider opening our borders to immigrants from Kill Devil Hills and possibly Colington.”
Paramedics were summoned to render first aid to several members of the public in attendance who fainted. Those left standing produced pitchforks and torches, causing Lee to flee the meeting room. After the angry mob was brought to heel by warning shots from Chief Constable Cutie, Mayor Don Quimby sought to reassure them that there would be no changes to Duck’s immigration policies.
“If we have to raise taxes to afford fertility treatments, if we have to reconsider our one-child policy, so be it. But so long as I am Mayor, we will never open our borders to anyone living south of the Welcome Center.”