Month: May 2017

The NC Fisheries Commission says it has heard the concerns of local shrimp fishermen affected by the recent decision by the Commission to put greater limits on shrimp trawling and that they are working with N.C. GOP Chairman Robin Hayes to draft rules that will mitigate the impact on the shrimping industry.

Specifically, the rule change will allow shrimp boat captains to battle to the death on the open sea using traditional weapons such as gaffs, spearguns, pitchforks, blowtorches and pliers. The winning captain will be able to claim possession of the losing captain’s boat and gear. Combat will be filmed by the National Geographic Channel for their Wicked Tuna companion show, Deadly Shrimp.

Hayes stated that the rules create a “win-win” situation for everyone. “First, it will reduce the total number of shrimp operators, meaning there will be more shrimp to go around for everyone who survives. Second, the state will receive incredible revenues from Nat Geo for filming rights. And, most importantly, with fewer shrimp fishermen I will not have to listen to as much bitching.”

Local reaction has not been mixed: there has been universal condemnation from every corner of the fishing industry concerning the proposed rule change. Lew and Al Cinder, owners of the shrimp boat “Hook Shot,” reacted with dismay to the news.

“I mean, I know they’ve been figuratively trying to kill the commercial fisherman for the last twenty years,” said Lew Cinder. “But this is insane.”
In keeping with supporting all things Dare County opposes Representative Beverly “the Bos” Boswell has signed on to the rule change, though technically speaking it is not a piece of legislation that she is allowed to co-sponsor nor is she a member of the NC Fisheries Commission.

The Outer Banks is about to experience the taste of deregulation when the highly controversial “Exotic Cuisines” restaurant chain opens its first franchise on the Outer Banks in early April 2017. Founded in China in 2010 by world-famous gourmand Chiang Kai-Chef, Exotic Cuisines immediately drew the ire of environmental and conservation groups by featuring such menu items as Fin Whale soup and Javan Rhino kebabs. Mr. Chef, a multi-millionaire developer, claims all species appearing on his menu were harvested as part of legitimate scientific research projects.

“Every year, hundreds of whales are studied by Japan for legitimate scientific purposes,” Mr. Chef said. “For example, our Fin Whale came from an experiment to see how much blood loss the whale could survive before dying. Very important research. But they don’t need the whole whale after the study, so we buy the rest. No waste!”

Until this year the Endangered Species Protection Act essentially made it impossible for Mr. Chef to do business in the United States, but the political landscape is rapidly changing and with it the rules that protect domestic threatened species from human predation. Where conservation groups see extinction events, Mr. Chef sees opportunity.

The Outer Banks location will be headed by culinary expert, Chef Jimbro Skillet, a Louisiana Native who trained for years under French Chef Simon Le Poubelle before moving to China to apprentice for  Chiang Kai-Chef.  He will also be joining the staff of the OBX Report to write our food and recipe column.

“The Outer Banks has an incredible diversity of scarce marine life. Many rare migratory birds also stop by your area. These give us an opportunity to present our patrons with dishes found nowhere else in the world,” said Chef Jimbro. “I can’t wait to get my hands on all the local creatures I can, so I can show people down here there is more to food than burgers and pizza. We picked an excellent location. You can tell because it has been the site of 8 previous restaurants!”

In anticipation of an “incredible” response to their grand opening, Exotic Cuisines has pre-published its menu and is already accepting reservations and orders. Among the delicacies being offered are Hawksbill Turtle crepes, Manatee fricassee and grilled Roseate tern. Luminaries such as EPA chief Scott Pruitt, rocker Ted Nugent and that Japanese tourist from last year have already confirmed their attendance and Chef Jimbro hopes their star power will draw others with what he calls “curious palates.”

A report from U.S.A. News has named The Outer Banks of North Carolina as a top destination for spousal homicide. The report compared thousands of beach communities from across the country on a number of criteria, and the OBX came out in the top 5! Citing the beautiful beaches and scenic sunsets, U.S.A. News sung the praises of our little island chain, thrusting us into the national spotlight once again.

“I for one am thrilled,” said Outer Banks Mayor, Manny Daniels, “We have been desperately needing a way to fill these cottages in the shoulder season, and the Marathon, bike week, and seafood festival were not cutting it. These homicidal visitors are likely to take their wives out to dinner a few times before they murder them.”

“Hiding the bodies was one of the top features that pushed the OBX higher on our list,” said U.S.A. Newslady Sharron Peterson, “the abundance of canals and swamps makes it really easy to ditch your wife without being seen. Also the wildlife is likely to destroy all the evidence before anyone finds her. Between blue crabs, raccoons, and coyotes, there won’t be much left for to find.”

Other factors that led to the Outer Banks placing high on the list included easy boat rentals, overworked and understaffed police forces, beautiful lighthouses, and loose sandy soil for quick digging. Local’s lack of care or interest in the visitors, was noted, but not factored into the ranking.

Some citizens were concerned that this might not bring in the type of clientele the Outer Banks is known for. “I don’t think it is a group we should advertise to,” said local restaurant owner, Derick Simpson, “We are a family destination, and these guys are in doing the opposite of making families. It’s not like they are going to bring their kids with them when they come down here to murder their wives. Even if they do that, I’m guessing those kids won’t be returning here to vacation as adults. I wouldn’t exactly be visiting the place where my dad offed my mom with my family. I don’t think it is a good long term strategy for our brand.”

“I can’t wait for this place to become the Cabot Cove of the South,” said local Agatha Christie fan, Judy Fletcher, “I hope me catching all the killers doesn’t hurt our ranking, but you know me. I just can’t help myself. Aha ha ha.”