Month: June 2017

The Kitty Hawk was declared extinct after years of over hunting due to the popularity caused by the Wright Brothers first flight. The bird’s unique fur feathers were so popular in New York high society, one bird alone could fetch enough money to purchase an entire tenement building (sickly children included)! For a while the Currituck hunting lodges were not even concerned with hunting Ducks. Some local hunters became very rich off the trade. As the numbers began to dwindle the recreational and commercial Kitty Hawk hunters began to argue more fiercely, which lead to increased pressure on the species from both sides. After the bird was hunted to extinction the groups came together and agreed to be adults, and never do that again.

The Kitty Hawk is similar to your basic Osprey, with a few key differences. First is the pattern of the remiges (tips of the wings). If you see five feathers you know that you have an Osprey. The Kitty Hawk has a sixth smaller one. Also you might notices a slight difference in the rectrices or tail feathers for you non-bird people. The pattern is less splotched in some phenotypes of the Kitty Hawk. Lastly there is a slight difference in the ear and beak structure, with the Osprey looking very similar to other raptors such as the Eagle or Hawk, and the Kitty Hawk moreso resembling a common house cat. The call could also help in differentiating between the species. With An Osprey sounding like a high pitched chirping, and the Kitty Hawk calling in more of what could only be described as a meow.

I was able to spot this rare beast with the help of an ancient spirit I summoned using a black magic spell I learned from a Comanche shaman at Burning Man. This ancient waterman, named Jean Guite, lead me deep into the wilds of Kitty Hawk Woods, and into a heretofore never discovered canal. There I was able to get this picture of the majestic Kitty Hawk, and escape before the spirit could exact it’s payment on me. Also because of that he is now stranded in the land of the living doomed to wander the woods until his blood debt is settled, so watch out if you venture in there looking for the Kitty Hawk. My bad on that one.

Kitty Hawk – Dusty Hills has been working in various kitchens around the island since he dropped out of high school around the turn of the millennia. In this time he has had time to perfect the art of being a local dirt-bag cook, and he feels it is his duty to train the younger kitchen staff. Today he had some remarks with a potential protege about the front of the house staff.

“Man I don’t know why you are just standing there looking at your tickets, when there is a lady as hot as Julie on the other side of the line,” He said to his fry cook Martin, but loud enough for Julie, a Sophomore at Virginia Tech, to hear.

“Hey Dusty,” Julie said forcing a smile while she waited patiently for her order to be completed.

After she ran her order, Martin asked Dusty, “How are you just going to hit on her like that? That can’t ever work for you.”

Dusty half chuckled half scoffed at his younger cook, “see greenhorn, that is why you remain a virgin. These waitresses and hostesses are the only women I come in contact with besides the convenience store clerks I buy my beer and cigs from, and the cops who pull me over, and all that hitting on those got me was child support and parole. I gotta get what I can get where I can get it, and it turns out that these waitresses are my favorite kind of women anyway.”

“Oh I see, and what kind of woman is that?” Martin asked anticipating something sexist.

“College girls,” Dusty said wistfully as he stared into the distance and exhaled his cigarette into the hood vent.

“Aren’t you a little old to be dating College girls,” Martin said, “I mean you’re like forty.”

“Of course I’m too old to be dating College girls, and I have been for the past five years, but that hasn’t stopped me. Also, assbag, I’m only 33.”

“That’s ridiculous, why would they want you? Also, you look rough for 33 dude. Like seriously, take a night off from the drinking and cocaine from time to time.”

“That oiled leather appearance of my skin is a finely cultivated part of my presentation to the ladies. They are attracted to confident dangerous looking older men.” Dusty said smiling.

“Oh, I get it now. So that is what the tribal tattoo is for as well?” Martin asked.

Dusty nodded and launched into the meat of his lecture, “Yes now you’re starting to understand. When a college girl is on vacation from school and comes to a destination like the Outer Banks, why would she want to get with a guy your age? She is surrounded by them all year back at college. Plus she might develop feelings for you, and be stuck in a relationship with some one, no offense, below her on the social ladder. No, she wants to be able to check off that summer fling box on her OBX bucket list with a sexy-bad-boy-older-guy. Fortunately for me there are very few of us, seeing as most people my age have their shit together or are at least in a long term relationship. So you see I am not taking advantage of these girls, as you are not so subtly alluding to, I am giving them something they want.”

“Why would the girls want STD’s?” Martin said while chuckling to himself.

“No, you dense degenerate, I give them a chance to have a night they will never forget, to regret. They need to have a fling with me to remind them to aspire for a better man. That is why I succeed the most with girls on the rebound or with Daddy issues. They use our mediocre hookup as a jumping off point to launch their way up to their next relationship.”

“It all makes sense now,” said Martin in awe, “You help them regain confidence and vision for their own lives, while getting to sleep with women who should be out of your league, all the while never having to expose yourself to any sort of feelings. It’s like a win win or sorts except you remain a loser. You have to teach me your ways!”

“That is what I have been trying to do for weeks now!” Dusty exclaimed, “Now let’s start your training. When Maggie comes in here to pick up this basket of crab balls, tell her after that she needs to get to work on grabbing your balls. See what I did there? I made a play on words. Crab – grab, get it?”

“Are you sure? That sounds like sexual harassment,” Martin said with trepidation.

“Dude if you are going to take my place, you have to learn my way. I only have like two more years of this working, but I won’t figure that out for about seven years. In that time, your going to need to be stepping into my shoes and picking up the ones that fall through the cracks. There is work to be done bro. These college girls aren’t getting any younger… or older.”

 

National Hurricane Center – The Outer Banks of North Carolina is in danger of having a week ruined by another visit from the low pressure system that is Guy Fieri. The National Flavor Service has issued a Fieri watch for most of the Outer Banks. Governor Cooper has authorized a temporary state of emergency, and the Dare County Flavor Action Response Team has been called into action. The sale of Alcohol has been partially suspended with Whiskey (plastic bottles only), Tequila, and Corporate Beer being prohibited. Craft beer, wine, and clear liquors are still available. The sale of ranch and barbecue sauce has also been suspended.

Residents are preparing to protect their houses and evacuate. We talked to some of them:

“I can’t do this again!” said longtime local Stanley Daniels, “Last time this guy came around I had 3 inches of sauce in my living room. Insurance says they don’t cover what they call ‘acts of guy.'”

“Don’t get me  wrong. I love Guy, but for two weeks after his visit my husband was drinking Imodium like it was sweet tea,” said Manteo hair stylist, Debra Sulkowski.

“I don’t know if I can afford the economic impact of another Fieri storm,” said Jacob Arsborne or Duck, “I maxed out my credit card with all the eating out I had to do after his OBX shows aired.”

Speaking of economic impact, many restaurants are worried about having to close for days in the Summertime again. Some were shut down for up to three days the last time Fieri made landfall.

Not all Dare County residents are evacuating. Some brave locals are going to ride it out.

“Grill is lit, beer in the cooler, generator is on standby for when the power goes out. The only place we are evacuating to is Flavortown!” was the answer Daniel Garcia gave for his reason he is staying.

And then there is Joseph Harllow, and his unique ideas about avoiding the storm. “I have dyed my hair white, and I have prepared a bed of coals over which I will sacrifice two racks of ribs covered in my homemade Jim Beam Honey Glaze. This along with playing rock music from the early 2000’s should appease the Fieri, and spare my family.”

OBX Report will be on the scene with moment to moment reporting. We have reporters armored with bio-hazard suits, and news vans that can sustain Guy farts of up to 60 knots. News updates will come in as we receive more information from the National Flavor Service.

 

Kill Devil Hills – An area father desperately tried to convince his children they didn’t need to go to the new water park.  Having just paid rent and the other bills, he was dangerously short on cash. With tickets running around $50 bucks a head, he decided to try to offer his kids a thrifty alternative.

“See you can get just as wet here in the yard as you can all the way up in Currituck, and we don’t have to go over that scary bridge!” He said to his daughter, Emily.

“Last time I was crying on the bridge, you said it wasn’t scary,” Emily replied confused.

“Don’t you go making her scared of that bridge, Charlie, you cheap idiot. We will never get her to go to Grandma’s house again,” His wife yelled from the porch.

“Okay, Okay, you’re right, the bridge isn’t scary, but this tarp is just as fun. If you get a running start you can go faster than any ride at the water park.”

Emily’s response was a scowl.

“At the water park there are a bunch of lines. You don’t want to wait in lines do you sweetie? No one likes that. Here it is just you and your brother, and you can slip and slide as much as you want.”

“I hate my brother,” Emily said as her brother nodded silently, “I wanna play with my friends, and all of them are at the water park!”

Sensing he was losing the argument, he decided to try a new line of reasoning. “What about the pee? Everyone is peeing everywhere. Thousands of people all peeing on each other, and swimming in pee!”

“Charlie!” His wife screamed from the porch

“I thought you weren’t supposed to pee in the pool dad. You said never pee in the pool!”

“Right, and you never should, but you can’t trust tourists. Remember what I told you about tourist.”

“When Ohio sends its tourist to us, they aren’t sending their best,” she recited earnestly.

“That’s right. So now are you going to tell your mother that you don’t want to go to the water park?”

“No,” Emily said as her mother came down the steps with all the beach bags.

“Go get your bathing suit on and get in the car Charlie. These beers I hid in my bag are getting hotter by the minute.”

Defeated and despondent, Charlie walked into the house to retrieve his bathing suit.

Kill Devil Hills – Wallace Burnham, a local part time cook, has a problem with the town he lives in placing limits on height. “This is a violation of my rights as an American! If I wanna get baked, that is between me, God, and the shadow people that live in the walls,” he said from his friends couch which doubles as his residence.

“I’m pretty sure they were talking about how tall hotels can be, Wally,” his friend interjected from the other couch.

Wallace was having none of that, “Nah man that’s how the government works. They say one thing and do another. First they come for your hotels, then next thing you know, the SWAT team is in here writing tickets for getting too high. Then everyone has an RFID chip in the butt hole to keep track of you. Just wait, don’t say I didn’t tell you. It is ridiculous too. They capped it at 42? Do they even smoke? Everyone knows the highness scale goes from zero to ten. Forty two?! What is the Hitch Hikers Guide? You wouldn’t even get there if you were doing gravity bong hits of glass with a stomach full of edibles.”

His friend, having read the article and being actually correct, nodded in the way he always does when Wallace starts on one of his theories. His own thoughts wondering to which hat will match his koozie when he goes to the beach later.

The OBX Report tried to contact the Kill Devil Hills commissioners on Facebook, but got distracted by some videos about a cat who learned to drive. We will just assume they would not want to comment on this. We were able to speak to the Mayor’s gardener’s sister, who told us that weed is actually illegal so any high level is currently banned, but like the stop signs on Bay drive and dogs on the beach policy they are often ignored by locals.