In a series of surprise raids, Immigration and Customs Enforcement has rounded up hundreds of Spanish Mackerel on suspicion of being illegal migrants. With the use of light tackle, nets, helicopters, and trained porpoises, agents began detaining the suspected fish on Monday.
President Trump had harsh words to say about pelagic suspects:
In a press conference he jokingly referred to the Spanish Mackerel as “Bad Pescados.”
Lawyers for the fish are filing motions to stay the deportations.
Victor Spizetta from the advocacy group Freedom Fish has been working around the clock since the raids began to get these cases in front of a judge. “This is a case of mistaken identity. Sure some Spanish Mackerel come from the Gulf of Mexico, but there is actually a large part of the United States, that boarders the Gulf. These fish were born in the U.S. and should be considered U.S. fishizens. This is clearly based on the language the fish speak, and not the facts.” he said Monday morning to the press.
Scientist and legal scholars are split on the issue.
“Fish have very few rights according to the constitution,” said Carolina law professor, Cynthia Matterly, “there are only a few cases in the books, but most of them go back over a century. With the current makeup the court now, I see these fish having a hard time establishing standing. You could almost say they don’t have a leg to stand on. Sorry, I couldn’t resist myself.”
“Deporting these fish will mess up the entire food web in our ocean,” said Ariel Hernandez, a scientist at the Ocean Studies Institute. “The government might be doing more harm than good by creating a hole in the food chain. There are many species that eat Spanish Mackerel like tuna, dolphin, sailfish, sushi aficionados, and sharks.”
We asked fisherman about their feelings on the issue.
“The thing to look for is the dip in the lateral line,” said fishing expert Jamie Kerner, “the King Mackerel has a bigger dip than the Spanish. The dorsal fin and speckles can sometimes help, but more times than not, go with the lateral line. Just remember to go easy on the seasoning. All you need is some salt and pepper.”
“What’s that? Government is making it harder for me to catch fish? Color me suprised,” said a local commercial fisherman.
“It’s about time we rounded up these fish. They come to our waters and eat the fish that hard working American fish should be eating,” was the opinion of Vinni Cetzetti of Reading Pennsylvania. “The president may look like the bad guy, but he is doing the thing all the real Americans actually want. He is protecting our boarders like Obummer never could. Now it is up to congress to keep this from happening again. Build the net!”
Leave our delicious fish alone!