Suspicious Object from Shelly Island Identified

Experts from the Smithsonian Institute have identified the mysterious item that washed up on Shelly Island Friday morning. The cylindrical, barnacle encrusted object was spotted by a fisherman early Friday and caused an immediate evacuation of the newborn island out of fear the object was unexploded ordnance planted by time-travelling ISIS terrorists in 1789.

The Naval Explosive Ordnance Disposal Team-6 arrived on scene to blow stuff up in order to protect the public. Upon detonating the mysterious object with explosive charges the NEOD Team-6 found bits of glass and shredded parchment in the debris field. The parchment was reassembled and a partial document was discovered with the headline

“CR_B_Y

PA_T_Y

S_CR_T

F_RM_LA”

A list of ingredients appeared to follow the title, but damage to the document made an exact reading impossible. Experts from the Smithsonian Museum’s division of Culinary History were dispatched to the scene. Professor Sheldon J. Plankton attempted to take possession of the parchment, but he was thwarted by Professor Eugene Krabs, who claimed the document as part of his important research on the famous Virginia Dare Cookbook, the first cookbook known to be published in the Americas.

“I believe this is the formula for the famous Croatan Patty,” said Professor Krabs. “Or maybe a different, equally important 16th century patty. In either case, it’s mine.”