Month: July 2017

In a rare moment of candor, the Internal Revenue Service, Trilateral Commission, NASA and CIA have issued a joint apology to the citizens of Dare County for the recent unusual weather activity in the area.

On July 10th, a potent thunderstorm rolling across Dare County spawned over a dozen waterspouts and half as many tornados. Long-time resident and chronic Weather Channel viewer Noah Barque told the OBX Report he’d seen bad weather before “but nothin’ ever like this bad.”

Local meteorologist John Bernier said he reached out to the National Weather Service for comment and was accidentally transferred to the IRS’s Division of Clandestine Activity. An unidentified employee, apparently not realizing who they were speaking to, apologized. The employee stated that there were supposed to be twice the number of water spouts and that they were meant to inflict considerably more damage in the Colington area in order to clear land for a secret NASA launch site. Upon realizing they were talking with a member of the media, the person hung up.

Later in the day a spokesperson for the Trilateral Commission, speaking on behalf of the other agencies, issued a public apology for the storm activity. The spokesperson stated that the attempt to destroy Colington was the ill-conceived plot of a CIA agent named “Ray” and that “Ray” had been subsequently terminated. He said going forward NASA would only use conventional means to acquire property in Colington and that SAGA would be contracted to build their launch site rather than Blackwater.

The Solomons came to Frisco in 1953, a family of travelers from the planet Zorch enticed to the Outer Banks by the beautiful beaches and fresh caught seafood. Like so many visitors before and after, they decided to stay. Jedidiah Solomon, the patriarch of the family, recalls that he has met with every president since Eisenhower as a sort of unofficial ambassador from Zorch but so President Donald J. Trump has refused to to extend an invitation to the White House.

“I’m happy to meet him anytime,” Solomon said. “But the phone ain’t ringing.”

Solomon and his family run the most successful bed and breakfast in Frisco as well as “The Black Hole,” billed as the Outer Banks most popular opium den. He watches football on Sundays after church, hosts neighborhood oyster roasts and owns more guns than he can count. Surrounded by his spouse, platonic lover, salt wife, seven offspring, and the family pet cefolapede named “Daggit”, Solomon has clearly assimilated into the somewhat offbeat society of the southern beaches

His neighbor, Larry Dallas, this might be why there’s been no invite from the Trump Administration.

“Jedidiah is a good guy for an alien but he’s been in ‘murica so long he’s almost like an ordinary ‘murican. Mr. Trump is a busy man and don’t have to meet with ordinary type folk even if they do have green skin,” Dallas suggested. “Hate to say it, but maybe he should act a little more alien-like. You know, threaten to blow up a building or impose sharia-law in the county.”

The OBX Report has reached out to the White House for comment but to date has not received word on when President Trump might make time for Frisco’s most famous extraterrestrial.

300 ft above Kitty Hawk – In anticipation of an extremely sharky 4th of July, the Navy is deploying a helicopter-borne sniper teams to protect civilian swimmers. These well trained sailors are ready to celebrate independence day with hundreds of rounds of high velocity lead.

These snipers are accurate at distances up to 1000 meters, and depths of up to 15. If you hear a splash nearby it could very well be a shark sniper looking out for you.

Local government and citizens alike are excited about the plan.

“I can’t tell you how excited we are to have our boys in the sky protecting us on this 4th,” said a mayor or commissioner or something.

Area mother, Sydney Chambers, said she was hoping her children would be able to catch the shell casings.

Former servicemen and women are saluting from the dunes, and crowds are gathering to wave and cheer.

“I don’t even care about the rotor wash blowing sand in my beer and sending my umbrella somersaulting into the dunes. This too much fun to watch,” said a bystander.

We asked one beach goer, Jason Johannas, from Alexandria Virginia, how he felt about the the whole thing. “Man, you got a helicopter, which is awesome, a sniper rifle, which is super cool, then you got Navy Seals, which are bad ass. Now you combine them all with the fourth of July and Sharks! If that ain’t America, I don’t know what is.”

The fire depart has asked that people please refrain from shooting off fireworks while the helicopters are airborne so as to avoid any accidental triggering of countermeasures.

In a series of surprise raids, Immigration and Customs Enforcement has rounded up hundreds of Spanish Mackerel on suspicion of being illegal migrants. With the use of light tackle, nets, helicopters, and trained porpoises, agents began detaining the suspected fish on Monday.

President Trump had harsh words to say about pelagic suspects:

 

In a press conference he jokingly referred to the Spanish Mackerel as “Bad Pescados.”

Lawyers for the fish are filing motions to stay the deportations.

Victor Spizetta from the advocacy group Freedom Fish has been working around the clock since the raids began to get these cases in front of a judge. “This is a case of mistaken identity. Sure some Spanish Mackerel come from the Gulf of Mexico, but there is actually a large part of the United States, that boarders the Gulf. These fish were born in the U.S. and should be considered U.S. fishizens. This is clearly based on the language the fish speak, and not the facts.” he said Monday morning to the press.

Scientist and legal scholars are split on the issue.

“Fish have very few rights according to the constitution,” said Carolina law professor, Cynthia Matterly, “there are only a few cases in the books, but most of them go back over a century. With the current makeup the court now, I see these fish having a hard time establishing standing. You could almost say they don’t have a leg to stand on. Sorry, I couldn’t resist myself.”

“Deporting these fish will mess up the entire food web in our ocean,” said Ariel Hernandez, a scientist at the Ocean Studies Institute. “The government might be doing more harm than good by creating a hole in the food chain. There are many species that eat Spanish Mackerel like tuna, dolphin, sailfish, sushi aficionados, and sharks.”

We asked fisherman about their feelings on the issue.

“The thing to look for is the dip in the lateral line,” said fishing expert Jamie Kerner, “the King Mackerel has a bigger dip than the Spanish. The dorsal fin and speckles can sometimes help, but more times than not, go with the lateral line. Just remember to go easy on the seasoning. All you need is some salt and pepper.”

“What’s that? Government is making it harder for me to catch fish? Color me suprised,” said a local commercial fisherman.

“It’s about time we rounded up these fish. They come to our waters and eat the fish that hard working American fish should be eating,” was the opinion of Vinni Cetzetti of Reading Pennsylvania. “The president may look like the bad guy, but he is doing the thing all the real Americans actually want. He is protecting our boarders like Obummer never could. Now it is up to congress to keep this from happening again. Build the net!”

Let it never be said that celebrated local art patron Flynn Pure is afraid to explore new frontiers.. Pure’s Ghostmonkey Gallery is home to dozens more traditional (read: sane) artists using familiar mediums such as watercolors, bronze, wood and beans. And he loves them all. Especially beans.

“We haven’t come close to exploring all the expressive possibilities of mosaic bean art, but even that form is limited to two dimensions, or maybe two-and-a-half since the beans don’t exactly sit flat on the canvass,” said Pure. “I’m interested in the third and fourth dimensions of art.”

To that end, Pure has hired world renowned actor Daniel Day Lewis to be his 2017 “Artist in Residence” at the Ghostmonkey Gallery. Lewis, long known as the premier method actor of his time, is retiring from the big screen and focusing his talents on performance art. His first foray into performance art came in 1991 when he drilled a hole in his skull while suspended from the third “O” in the “Hollywood” sign in Los Angeles. His performance was a protest against what he called the “most, mindlessness, worst movie of all time,” Highlander II: The Quickening. He claimed that only by self-trepanning was he able to expunge the memory of the movie.

Lewis and Pure knew each other from the early 80’s when both worked on a production of The Sound of Music for a touring theater company. They reconnected in New York two years ago when Pure attended Lewis’ one-man show “The Birth and Bludgeoning Death of a Baby Seal”. It was Lewis’ portrayal of the seal’s birth that intrigued Pure.

“It gave me an idea. I talked with Daniel about coming down to the beach then,” Pure said. “But he was still recovering from the head wound he suffered while filming Lincoln. The man is dedicated to his craft.”

Lewis said he was definitely ready to take a different career path after the “Lincoln” performance.

Lewis’ first performance piece for Pure will be called “Sea Turtle Boil.” He will recreate the life cycle of a Kemp’s Ridley sea turtle, beginning with emergence of an egg from the mother turtle’s cloaca through the hatching and desperate scurry to the ocean. He will then have to survive predators, gill nets and bad directions from a blue tang fish.

“The piece will be one of the most difficult Daniel has attempted,” said Pure. “He’s going to incubate during the show’s intermission, which will require him to stay in a fetal position under about six thousand pounds of sand. We haven’t quite worked out how he will breathe.”

“Sea Turtle Boil” will be performed Monday, Wednesday, Friday in front of the Loggerhead Public Beach Access in Nags Head at 12:30 p.m. beginning April 1st, 2017. The show will run approximately three hours. A special indoor performance will be held at the Ghostmonkey Gallery the second Sunday of each month for red headed persons and patrons suffering from agoraphobia.

Landmark study confirms what everyone knew all along

The results of a five year study conducted by the Center for Disease Control and the North Carolina Highway Patrol have revealed what most motorists have already figured out: that people driving at or under the speed limit in the “fast” lane are demonstrably dumber than average Americans. The landmark study was conducted in Kitty Hawk, Kill Devil Hills, Nags Head and along I-95.

“We figured the beach would be a good place to do the study since people driving here come from a diverse sample of states,” said lead researcher Professor Roy Hinkley.

Over the course of the study, State Police randomly stopped motorists traveling at or below the speed limit on highways and urban areas. A CDC scientist riding with the officer then conducted an abbreviated Stanford-Binet IQ test and recorded the results. Drivers were then tagged with a special biodegradable ear marker and released back into the wild.

The results of the testing showed drivers travelling under the speed limit in the fast lane had an IQ that was 10-15 points lower than average. Drivers using the fast lane to plod along on 4 or 5 lane highways tested even lower than the average mean, some as much as 25 to 30 points lower.

“Surprisingly, the lowest scores came from drivers in the Nags Head area, particularly those from Pennsylvania,” said Professor Hinkley. “Results in Kill Devil Hills were invalidated because the town has too many goddamn stoplights.”

Governor Roy Cooper has asked the state legislature to consider some version of “Max’s Law,” recently passed in Texas and South Carolina, which allows frustrated motorists to physically bump slow moving traffic in the fast lane out of the way.