Buxton NC, Organizers are announcing the first annual Shelly Island Burning Man Festival will be delayed until the island re-emerges from the Atlantic Ocean. The festival was slated to host over twenty thousand attendees from all over the world. The western version of the gathering is infamously known to involve illicit drugs use, alcohol, and sexual deviant behavior. The organizers chose Shelly Island because they mistakenly believed it to be in international waters, and immune to drug laws.
Local police are relieved to hear the event has been canceled. An unnamed local officer told us, “We just don’t have the staff to arrest all those consenting adults engaging in victimless behavior. Also we didn’t want to have to go out there. Can you imagine going on the beach in our uniforms?”
Dare Tourism Officer, Jean Gingerette, offered his sincere condolences to the potential festival goers, and the businesses of Hatteras Island. “Look it’s been a rough couple years with the hurricanes and power outages and all. We need all the cash we can get. We aren’t too good to take money from weirdos who do a lot of drugs on the beach. If that was the case we couldn’t serve half the locals.”
Area dirtbag, Dusty Hills, is probably the most disappointed, saying, “I was so looking forward to getting out there and scoring some molly and hooking up with one of those girls with the body paint and a bandanna across her face. Oh my god! I have been following this one on Instagram, and I knew she was going to be there. It was my dream bro, and now its over, fuck mother nature like for real! Now I have to try and get with these basic ass waitresses who always talking about their college boyfriend and shit.”