Kill Devil Hills, Police and EMS responded last night to a strange call. Two young men called the police on themselves after being beaten by a masked man calling himself the “El Coyote.” Police responded to find the two thieves writhing in agony holding onto their broken knees and ankles. The suspects were arrested and rushed to the hospital.
This is the 11th time in the past month that police have found battered thieves after failed car break ins. Each time the criminal reports the same thing. They were just minding their business, robbing peoples cars, and then suddenly they are attacked by a crazed man in an animal mask swinging a bat. Police are still looking for the man in the mask. The Police issued a statement to remind citizens that violence should only be used to protect yourself not your property, unless of course your neighbor’s dog is running loose and you think it’s scary.
We here at the OBX Report were able to get an exclusive interview with the man who some locals are calling, an “El Hero.”
OBX Report: “What made you get into beating up people who break into cars?”
El Coyote: “After the third time I had my gun stolen from my unlocked truck, I decided I had to do something about this. It ain’t right that people go into your vehicle and take things that aren’t theirs, so I decided to give them a lesson. Now I set up cars that look really tempting to rob, and wait till they show up. Then I beat them.”
OBX Report: “How did you come up with the name the “El Coyote?”
El Coyote: “I was thinking about how annoying it is that I have to lock my truck all the time now. For most of my life down here you just left your doors unlocked, and didn’t worry about anything. Sure the occasional drunk would help himself to your loose change, but he wouldn’t steal your gun and sunglasses. It reminds me of how I have to keep my wife, Sheila’s, dumb-ass cats and dog in the house now. I can’t just let my pets roam the neighborhood like I used to. It feels like ever where I turn the OBX is becoming less free. The government takes our beach driving, the hurricanes takes our sand, the town keeps lowering the speed limit on the bypass, and now I have to lock my doors! Someone has to stand up and take matters into their own hands. Why should we cower in our houses while coyotes and robbers prowl the streets at night. They should be afraid of me.”
OBX Report: “Are you not worried about being caught?”
El Coyote: “If they can’t catch the idiot drug addicts breaking into cars, how will they catch a six foot two, desert storm vet with medium build like me.”
OBX Report: “Why as baseball bat? Is there some significance to it?”
El Coyote: “Well they stole my guns, so all I use this bat.”
OBX Report: “What about those locals who say you have gone too far?”
El Coyote: “I think they would be singing a different tune if it was their red Silverado that got broken into.”
OBX Report: “When will you consider your job finished?”
El Coyote: “I’ll know it’s safe when my daughter can leave her loaded pistol in her unlocked power wheels without the fear of