Month: August 2018

Outer Banks Legend, Dusty Hills, has been couch surfing since he was 12 years old. “Hell if you count sleeping on random couches because my Dad got evicted, I’ve been couch surfing my whole life.” He said on Wednesday as he prepared to take his shot at glory. The 34 year old line cook has bounced around to nearly as many restaurants as he has couches, but cooking is not his true passion.

“He has a way of riding that no one else can hold a candle to,” said fellow surfer Mary Warner. “I’ve seen couches that were so rough most people wouldn’t even sit on them. Dusty ain’t scared. We joked about making a ‘Dusty would go’ sticker and putting it on couches and chairs people leave out for trash pick up.”

“Watching him pass out on a couch is like poetry,” said actual surfer Dylan Cables as he recorded Dusty training on a love seat. “We used to think Dusty was just the guy that always crashed at our house, smoked our weed, ate our food, and parked in the wrong spot. Now we know he has a talent too.”

“I just want to make my fellow locals proud,” Dusty said as he took a drag from a cigarette. “I know there will be some big names coming in from Cali, but I got the local knowledge. I know ever couch from the trailers in Currituck to the unfinished downstairs laundry rooms of Ocracoke. I can also improvise. I can turn porch furniture and beach chairs into a bed. I even slept in an outside shower once.”

“I’d say he has a good chance at breaking into the national rankings if he pulls off a victory here,” said Stan Merrit, the editor of Eastern Couch Surfer Magazine. “He has a number of top ten finishes, but he needs a win to get more recognition on the major circuit. The weather is shaping up great, with a low pressure atmosphere on the coast, there will be plenty of people chill enough to let you hit up their couch, but the danger in that is that a bunch of Virginia kooks come down and crowd up all the good couches.”

 

August sales numbers have disappointed Yankee candles sales division with the newest candle in their line up selling a paltry two cases. With these sales figures the company would surly be looking at a loss if not for the fact that they charge $15 for 10 cents worth of candle and 20 cents worth of glass.

The failed product entitled Wanchese Breeze was supposed to tie in with their other coastal scents like Pink Sand and Beach Wood. Unfortunately candle fans were not having any of it, with every candle store reporting a massive surplus of Wanchese Breeze stock.

The scent was designed by the so called “green team” of aroma designers. The idea was to pair the authentic individualism of commercial fisherman with the sustainability of using recycled bi-catch.

“We wanted this scent to say, ‘I know what estuaries smell like, and it ain’t Beach Wood,'” Danny Gettleman, the lead designer or the candle said. “We knew to be authentic we had to source our ingredients locally from Wanchese. We were lucky to get in touch with the fish houses and arrange a deal to extract the essence of shrip heads, blue crab and oyster shells, and fish organs. Mix all these together with a little bit of fiberglass resin, and you got yourself a candle that captures the true spirit of the harbor.”

“It smells like my step dad’s bait cooler after he left it in the back of the truck for a week,” said Margret Midgett, “You know how a smell can take you back to a memory? I dated a guy that was a commercial fisherman. When he came home after three days out there, I would make him strip down outside before he went straight to the shower. This candle takes me right back there.”

“If you wanted to know what a shark’s rectum smelled like, this would be the closest approximation,” said store manager Hank Ballence. “I was sure the first batch of these we got had gone bad in shipping, so I sent them back only to find out when we got the next crate that is how they wanted them to smell.”

“Mommy why does this smell like the dog after she gets loose and rolls in stuff?” a small child asked as the mom quickly put the lid back on the candle and replaced on the clearance rack.

Local stores owners are extremely disappointed since they expected to rake in sales of a locally themed candle. Unfortunately the only buyers apparently are Feline Hope people since the candle has the ability not just to attract more stray cats to their house, but also improve upon the smell in them.

Discovery Channel vice-president of programming Hagar Voynich announced Tuesday that the reality/adventure show Deadliest Catch: Outer Banks would not be renewed for a second season. Although popular with Dare County residents, the show did not receive strong ratings in the rest of the country.

“I really regret that the show didn’t take off. We came to the Outer Banks encouraged by the success of Wicked Tuna: Outer Banks, and we hoped to recreate the drama and excitement of the other major reality show based on seafood harvesting” stated Voynich. Also, since the busy season for king crab in Alaskan waters is October and February, the complementary summer season for Dare County crabbers offered an opportunity to make money with boats that would otherwise sit idle through the warm months.

After making the long voyage from Bering Sea to the Pamlico Sound, however, the 130-foot-long boats were unable to pass through Oregon Inlet. “We were gobsmacked. I mean, isn’t somebody in charge of dredging the inlet? The government or somebody?” asked an exasperated Captain Thurg Snorrison of the Yggdrasil. However, even after the network paid for a channel to be dredged, the larger boats found that they had to stick to the main channel or risk running aground.

Another suspected reason for the cancellation is the relatively placid nature of sound crabbing. Brigge Dottirsdottir of the Audhumla explains: “In the Bering, waves average 10-20 feet. I’m not saying you don’t get some weather down here, but considering the high seas combined with the dangerously icy decks we deal with up north, there’s just a lot more danger crabbing in Alaska.”

The 70-pound crab traps used for king crabs can potentially kill the crabbers, an average of whom seven die on the job every year. Attempts by the producers to focus on similar local dangers led to embarrassments such as the segment during which first mate Durg Birgsturmer of the Ymir dropped a local crab pot on his toe and had to limp around for several minutes until the pain subsided. Another Alaskan, Loki Jormungandr, got a nasty pinch from an escaped blue crab, but the ensuing trip to the emergency room of Outer Banks Hospital was largely ridiculed by viewers.

Personality conflicts, common on Wicked Tuna, were also largely absent. The Outer Banks crabbers generally went on about their business, their smaller boats able to easily navigate the sound and their knowledge of where to place the pots giving them an insurmountable advantage over the Alaskan crews. A few taunts were thrown by the Alaskans but were largely ignored by the laconic Outer Bankers.

The breaking point came when, desperate for a ratings gimmick, the producers forced the northern fleet to disembark to the beaches of Dare County and hunt sand fiddlers using nets and buckets. When this led to a critical and ratings disaster, the show unfortunately doubled down and required the proud Alaskans to drive from Wings store to Wings store in search of hermit crabs. Several fishermen walked away from their contracts in disgust at that point and took their boats back to the Bering Sea.

While Dangerous Catch may have abandoned eastern North Carolina, though, local officials are currently in talks with CBS executives about the possibility of another local project, Survivor: Rodanthe.