Month: September 2018

Kill Devil Hills – After realizing Hurricane Florence was going to miss the Northern Beaches, residents began an intense hurricane bender. With almost all stores closed and nothing better to do, locals began partying. That was Tuesday. Now it is Friday and even the most devoted ragers are struggling to maintain through the weekend.

The National Hurricane Center is still warning about coastal wind, rain, and flooding, and Dare County is still only letting essential personnel over the bridge since there is still a mandatory evacuation in effect. The Stomach has also issued a mandatory evacuation due to a rising tide of alcohol. The Stomach has not seen levels this high since the bachelor party. The Liver and Kidneys were either too busy to comment or have been incapacitated.

At a local Hurricane party reactions were mixed when we asked if they were going to abide by the evacuation notice.

“I’m not gonna puke,” said a girl who was about to puke.

“What happens at a hurricane party stays at the hurricane… wait I mean I live every party like it’s a hurricane party or something, no wait it’s ain’t no party like a hurricane party cause a hurricane don’t stop, no that’s not it either. I forgot, anyway it doesn’t matter. Hurricane parties are special because you’re making a point. You’re telling that storm it can f off because you have booze,” mused local lifeguard, Jeremy Hardey.

“Mahn I lost my flip flops in the ocean and my phone got all wet, but you know what was already wet? My bottle of Jameson. It was wet on the inside, now I am too, and my pants, they are wet too. Cause I peed myself, just kidding they got wet when I lost my flops peeing in the ocean,” said legendary partier Dusty Hills.

“Listen to my stomach? Since when would I do that,” said local Slob, Mark “the Shart” Flannagan. “If I listened to my stomach would I have eaten the rest of those habenero mango wings the next day after what they did to me the previous night? I’m the boss of the stomach, and he’s not evacuating he is about to hang out with his best friends Jose, Tito,  and The Captain.”

The National Hurricane Center is showing Hurricane Florence bearing down on the Georgia/South Carolina coast, and Outer Bankers couldn’t be more relieved. After years of being the location of landfall, residents are over batting down the hatches and cleaning up flood waters.

“It’s their turn,” said Wade Midgette, “We have got the last 5 or something crazy like that. I know it’s mean to root for them to get it, but come on, Hatteras has been flooded like 8 times in the last 4 years.”

Experts are uncertain about the path the storm may take, and there are a number of variables that could affect it. 90% of scientist were willing to say that prayer couldn’t hurt an area’s chances of getting hit, but there were a few researchers that thought God might turn the hurricane at those who wished it upon others in some bible like parable.

“I had 4 feet of water in my house during Mathew!” said South Nags Head local, Jennet Gompers, “I know they got some of Mathew too, but what if this time they just get all of Florence?”

Other locals are not so optimistic. “I know this shit is gonna hit us,” said Nancy Sawyer, “We always get the worst. Pray all you want, this is gonna sink my the island.”