Nags Head Mayor Quimbly is reportedly furious over new reports of violations of the nuclear agreement signed between his Town and Kill Devil Hills just last year. The two Outer Banks superpowers concluded the “8th Street Accords” in 2018, agreeing to limitations on weapons in all three branches of the so-called nuclear triad: land, sea and air.
A photo taken by a reporter on an unrelated assignment for National Geographic inadvertently captured the construction of what appears to be a new nuclear silo near the Glorious Leader Park in KDH. The reporter, Jerald Rivero, said he was photographing the rare KDH Revolutionary Pigeon feeding near the People’s Centre in the middle of Kill Devil Hills at the time. He was unaware of the importance of the photo until he was going through all the picture he’d taken that day. Mayor Quimby was swift to react once the photo became public. “This is a direct violation of the terms of last year’s agreement,” he said. “We call on Kill Devil Hills to immediately cease construction and honor their commitment to peace between our towns.”
Kill Devil Hills Supreme Mayor Roo Davees has not spoken publicly on the controversy. An undersecretary for the Defense Ministry has gone on record stating that the photo actually shows a “water park or water tower, something that is definitely not a missile silo” and that an investigation is underway in relation to this “clearly unauthorized” construction and Hillary Clinton’s emails.
Wrightsville Beach – With hurricane Dorian bearing down on the entire coast of the state, the Governor has raised up a seldom used reserve force. From a secretive location around Greenville people reporting hearing what sounded like “motherfucker” from the sky. There were sightings of a flying man with chain suspended only by his white T-shirt.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures, and we need a miracle,” Governor Cooper said in a press conference.
Experts are still debating whether this daring plan could work.
“Look Hurricanes can release energy at a rate of 10 megaton nuclear bombs exploding every 20 minutes. There isn’t going to be much effect from waiving your shirts at it,” said Duke Physics Professor, Brian Yankemouth.
“It isn’t about the effect of you spinning the shirt on the air, but the effect of the spinning shirts on you,” argued Steve Mologowski, a sophomore at ECU on academic probation. “Yeah Petey might not move the hurricane, but he can move you with his art.”
“At this point we have nothing to lose,” said the Governor as he started to unbutton his shirt, “I for one plan on standing next to Petey. If he can keep this thing offshore I will make him the Poet Laureate of NC.”
As hurricane Dorian approaches the Outer Banks, shortages begin appearing in local stores. A quick check of area grocery stores shows empty bread aisles, a shortage of bottled water, an absence of non-store-brand toilet paper, and a deep existential emptiness where the Mountain Dew used to be. Gas stations have covered their pump handles with plastic bags that will later be blown into the Atlantic for sea turtles to mistake for jellyfish, and hardware stores report being sold out of blue tarps. Perhaps the most heartbreaking product shortage during this trying time is one many people don’t even notice, a dearth of vape juice.
With the rise of e cigarettes, vaporizers, and Juuls, many people rely on these more technologically advanced nicotine delivery systems, abandoning the nominally plant-based tobacco cigarettes, cigars and pipes. With the advantages of these futuristic addiction maintenance devices, though, comes an uncomfortable fact: they must periodically be refilled with the chemical melange usually referred to as vape juice.
High-traffic gas stations and convenience stores have been the first to run out of the addictive elixirs, posting signs reading: “NO VAPE JUICE” and turning away highly irritable customers. Local independent stores such as Outer Vapes and Vape Hatteras (one of which has a clever pun hidden in its name) have been trying to take up the slack, but the principal burden has fallen to vape superstore Vape Depot in Asphalt Cay Shopping Center in Kitty Hawk.
Manager Clay “Cheeto” Rodrick reports: “Our usual weekly shipment was canceled due to the storm, and with the run on vape juice before Dorian hits, our flavor selection is lower than normal. We usually have four hundred flavors available, and I believe at last count we were down to, what? Two, I think?” A check of the shelves confirmed this count, revealing only a few bottles of gooseberry flavor and a case and a half of jicama.
Jicama is a globe-shaped root vegetable with papery, golden-brown skin and a starchy white interior. It’s the root of a plant that produces beans similar to lima beans. However, the beans of the jicama plant are toxic, but since Vape Juice is too it doesn’t really matter.
Disappointed customer Trey “ Eight-point” Carter complains: “Who knows how long we’re going to be trapped in our houses without electricity after this storm passes? I won’t be able to watch cable TV, I won’t be able to watch Netflix, I won’t be able to watch Prime Video, and I won’t be able to play Fortnight. I think I have a People magazine from 2017 in the house, but I’ve already read most of it. If I can’t vape, what have I got? And what the h*** is jicama, anyway? I guess I’ll find out.” Trey wanders away trailing a vape-juice-dissipating cloud of jicama vapor and a few curses under his breath.
Depending on the final severity of the storm, local vape juice supplies may not be replenished for days, leaving a tense and jittery population hoping desperately for the return of video distractions and soothing nicotine vapor to once again make life bearable.
