Dare County resident Flora “Flor” Umphlett is enjoying a newfound acceptance in the community after years of feeling like she did not fit in. She often felt that neighbors shunned her for behaviors that one therapist labeled as “disorders.”
“I used to watch shows like ‘Hoarders’ that seemed to be judging me and my way of life,” Umphlett said in a Facetime interview. “But I just like to be prepared; I have MRE’s for at least six months for me, Trey, and the four kids, for example. I also have ten gallons of peanut butter, ten country hams, twenty cases of assorted canned goods, and fifty-pound bags of rice and beans.”
What has changed Umphlett’s standing in the eyes of her neighbors, though, is the stockpile of 1027 jumbo rolls of toilet paper that she has stored in what she calls “Apocalypse Central.” This spacious underground bunker contains foodstuffs, personal protection equipment, toiletries such as soap and shampoo, and the aforementioned bathroom tissue.
“Our shelter is bigger than most houses around here, to be honest, and to put a space that large underground when you hit the water table only two feet down, well, you have to be committed,” Umphlett said. “But we have food, water, and all the toilet paper we will ever need. So all the people who used to laugh at me behind my back suddenly want to be my best friends. Well, they can wipe their ***es with leaves, for all I care.”
Humphlett’s other purported disorder is germophobia. Her compulsive hand-washing, jugs of hand sanitizer in every room, and tendency to don gloves, mask, gown, and goggles whenever somebody came to the door–never through it–made many people feel uncomfortable, and her doctor even attempted to put her on medication.
“They called me the crazy germ woman,” Umphlett said. “I know they used to make fun of my personal protective equipment, but tell me this: Who‘s laughing now? Now I’m not a “germophobe.” I am a role model. I have enough vinyl gloves and N95 masks to protect the whole county–and no, I’m not turning them in to the deep state, because if you snooze you lose.”
Also enjoying a feeling of vindication is her husband Trey “Tigger” Umphlett. Trey had been viewed as somewhat of a “gun nut” since high school, but his collection of several dozen rifles, shotguns, and handguns is now the envy of the community. While none of the guns are fully automatic “as far as they know” according to Trey, this arsenal has been reassessed and is now considered a prudent self-defense measure by his neighbors. Jeremy “Sticks” Pledger, sharing a cul-de-sac with the Umphletts, now wishes he had bought a few guns before all this started.
“Yeah, I’ll admit I always thought he was going to end up in a David Koresh Branch Davidian kind of situation, but now, well, I’d rather be pointing the gun than having it pointed at me,” Pledger said. “I’m trying to get in good with him, so at least I will be behind the lines if things really go sideways.”
Florence Umphlett, sitting in the expansive home entertainment center in her bunker during the online interview, sums up the situation with a sigh, what might be a satisfied smile under the large mask, and a statement of personal philosophy.
“What comes around, goes around. The shoe is on the other foot. A stitch in time saves nine. Yep.”