New KDH Flag warns beachgoers of ornery locals on day off

Alex Lex got nothing on my photoshop skills

Kill Devil Hills, NC – After a number of incidents involving vacationers and agitated locals, lifeguards have a new tool at their disposal. Similar to the turtle nest signs that warn tourists to stay away, these flags will be placed near off work locals enjoying the beach. 

“This should help with the accidental encounters,” said chief lifeguard Marshal Chase, “stopping problems before they start is our policy!”

“I had to jump in and pull a visitor out the other day,” said junior lifeguard June Jones, “The local was savagely telling them about how things used to be down here. It looked brutal. He kept talking about the Pit on ‘Mug Night’. That was my third rescue that day. I’m really glad we have those flags now. No one wants their vacation ruined by an unfortunate interaction with a local.”

“If you are accosted by a local, the correct response is to run. They locals are tired and will probably not give chase in the sand,” said head of Ocean Rescue Person Anne Wann, “If in the rare chance they do chase you, the proper thing to do is to curl into a ball and cover your ears, so you can’t hear them tell you how much better September is.”

The number of tourist and local interactions has remained relatively the same, but the intensity and danger to tourists has risen dramatically. Experts are pointing to a number of stressors on the usually docile locals. First their habitat is critically endangered with encroachment on all sides from AirBnB to wealthy transplant retirees. Secondly the pandemic has turned their already stressful feasting season into a living nightmare. Third is a new species of aggressive invasive visitors, Asholicus Virginisylvanicus, better known as the Covidcationer are eliciting fight or flight responses in the locals. Also their favorite watering holes have been shuttered in the name of safety, alas limiting their mating prospects and peer-group bonding.

“Just like we don’t call them shark attacks because you are swimming in the sharks habitat, I like to remind people when you are on the beach you are in the locals’ domain,” Local expert, Lyonald Greer shared, “They don’t just magically disappear after they serve you food and clean your house. They need to have a good time to, but you probably want to keep your distance. Don’t get me wrong, It is still safe to go to the beach. You are much more likely to be attacked by a shark than you are to be verbally redressed by a local.”

New Outer Banks Ford Bronco Model Comes With Blow and Go Already Installed

What's better than souless corporations stealing your trademark?

The OBX is once again in the national news, no it isn’t because of Netflix or a best quarrencation list. We have an official SUV! The good people at Ford Motor Company’s focus groups decided they like the name recognition and branding of the Outer Banks, so they just copped that shit.

Of course they added some features to make the Outer Banks model authentic. First off the vehicle doesn’t have turn signals. No one uses those down here anyway. They also added a secret air tight stash spot for your weed. The carpets have been replaced with a nice layer of sand, so you won’t even care about it anymore. The SUV also comes with black lab fur lined seats, and a “Hey Audubon look at this bird” middle finger sticker. The crowning achievement has to be the DUI ignition interlock. Why pay a bunch of money to get one installed in your car when you can buy a car with it stock!

The new model starts at only $40,500, which only puts it out of the price range of most of the locals. The only locals you will see driving it are the newly anointed Non Resident Property Owners who are now officially locals now thanks to the bridge closure lawsuit.

The Outer Banks moniker has been around for a long time, and it has intentionally not been trademarked so that anyone down here could use it. Unfortunately for us that means any multinational corporation can plop it on their overpriced jeep. Who cares if it took decades of branding for us to build, now when people hear Outer Banks they will think of an knock off jeep, and a teen drama TV show filmed in Charleston.

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