As Americans come out of the COVID-19 pandemic, a new wave of freedom is washing across the country. As patriotic citizens have learned to throw off the oppression of face shackles and to throw away their masks, they have inspired others to reach for greater freedoms, refusing to let the government, social strictures, or common sense stand in the way of doing what they want to do.
Dr. Felicia “Karen” Grogg, a surgeon currently residing in Duck, applauds the courage of mask refusers: “Everybody thinks that because I’m a doctor I have to agree with all the other doctors, but I think that there is science, and there is science. Maybe my science is different from your science, but in a free country we can just agree to disagree. I have stopped wearing masks during surgical procedures, and I find I am much more comfortable and can breathe more easily. Best decision I ever made.”
Manteo native Robert “Bobby” Bilson, currently exploring a variety of employment options, explains: “When I’m hanging around my house, I’m usually just in my boxers and a T-shirt. It’s like my uniform, kind of. Anyway, it’s what I feel most comfortable in. But when I go to the WalMart or the Piggly Wiggly, I always feel like I have to put on pants. They are uncomfortable, they are hot, and they don’t let everything breathe like nature intended. So I just decided that I’m not going to let the socialists who want to control everything cancel my right to walk around in my boxers wherever I like. And if you see me walking down the cereal aisle in my boxers, don’t bother trying any of your Soviet Nazi BS on me. I live in America, and I live free!”
Local welder Jackson “Froggy” Caen, temporarily residing in Mashoes, recently gained his freedom from a different kind of mask: “Until some brave patriots stood up to the woke sheeple and threw off the tyranny of the mask, I thought I had no choice but to do what I was told. Our four fathers said it best, though: don’t tread on me. I took off that heavy welding mask that oppressive government regulations made me wear for the years of what I now call my bondage. It was heavy, and I could barely see when I wore it. Now, when I work, I work mask-free, and I love it. Or, well, I did work mask-free. Once. I admit it did burn out my eyesight, but there are casualties in any war, right?”
“If God kept me from getting Covid, he will keep me from having another heart attack!” says Nags Head resident Shirley Rawls. “I have stopped taking all my meds. These doctors are so corrupt. If they lied to us about Covid, what else are they lying to us about? I’m just so glad I can trust these Alex Jones Vitality pills. They counteract the chemicals the government sprays on us to keep us in line.”
These are just some of the many freedoms locals are now discovering. Local dentists have complained that patients are canceling appointments in droves, tire and brake stops have also seen a sharp decline in customers. Police have reported writing more stoplight tickets in one month than they did in the entirety of last year.
“People are just done listening to these so called ‘experts,'” Mike Hunt, a moderator of a local Facebook group, said. “We don’t need people with knowledge and experience telling us what we have to do! It’s a free country and if I want to do something stupid and selfish, I’m allowed to do that. That is what America is all about.”