Author: Goatman

Cape Hatteras – A joint investigation by the National Park Service, and the OBX Dune Buggy Club has determined that the turtle found run over on the beach was not an accident. The groups are claiming that the turtle knowingly put itself in the path of the oncoming truck. “At first we thought the tire tracks through the back of the turtle were post mortem, and we were investigating a murder, but after we found the turtles tumbler page we realized he threw himself under the wheels of that truck as a form of protest,” says Buggy Club spokesman Gary Meyers.

The National Park Service was somber about the incident. “We take our job of protecting these turtles very seriously. Anytime a turtle dies, we feel it as a personal loss. After finding this turtle we were determined to find who killed it, and and we have done so. As punishment the dead turtle faces a $5000 fine for killing a threatened species,” explained Ranger Sarah Snelling.

As for the children of the deceased turtle, 181 orphans hatched of which 2 are still alive. A Go Fund Me has been set up to care for the remaining 2 left behind.

Defenders of wildlife is already filing no less than 14 different law suits on about the investigation. One of which seeks to euthanize one child from Hatteras for every turtle killed. These suits will likely take years to reach a courtroom, and will end up costing the government and the charity millions all the while accomplishing nothing.

We decided to ask around and see how people felt about the incident.

“If I had it my way, I would pave the access ramps with turtle shells,” said longtime fisherman and potential candidate for Trumps Secretary of the Interior, Jamie Lollins, We have a joke down here that turtles are natures speed bumps. I just hope the guy’s truck is alright.”

We asked famous bird watcher, Molly Sharps, how she and she responded, “These turtles can be hundreds of years old. They come back to the same shore where they were born every year. It is another example of natures miracle. And all it takes to destroy that is one careless person. We have a responsibility to-” At which point the interviewer realized she wasn’t saying anything controversial or funny, so we moved on to the loudest person in the room.

“I’m sick of these turtles committing suicide! These turtles have been actively trying to shut down our commercial fishing nets by killing themselves in protest. They keep jumping in our fishing nets, trying to make us look bad. Does anyone ask why? What do turtles eat? Fish! They hate local fishermen and their families, because they want all the fish for themselves. These selfish greedy turtles expect us to give up our way of life, and if we don’t they will use violence to get what they want. I won’t back down to turtle terrorism, and you shouldn’t either,” said Jeremy Hanks, as the other people in the room distanced themselves from him.

“We need to dedicate $800,000 to improve the county Program for Emergency Sea Turtles immediately,” said Samantha Farthley, the PEST coalition, “We are starting to train volunteers on turtle CPR this month. We encourage anyone who isn’t heartless to take these classes as soon as possible.”

“These turtles bring thousands of dollars a year in tourism to the beaches,” Said Town Manger Jimbob Joyner, “I have seen dozens of people standing around to watch a turtle hatching.”

“We have multiple of our troops committing suicide everyday and people want to worry about a stupid turtle doing it? Typical libtard sheepeeles. I don’t see turtles fighting ISIS. Alex Jones already pointed out this turtle’s death is merely a false flag in order to give ISIS a beachhead on American soil. You think those turtles are all laying eggs? What if one of them laid a thermonuclear device? How would we know?” was the response when we asked some guy we picked up hitchhiking on the causeway.

“We need to focus on the systemic devaluation of the lives of turtles in our society,” said UNC professor Jasmine Ermine, an expert on Turtle law, “There are zero turtles holding office in this state, and only one in US Sentate (McConnell). Not to mention the numerous historical inequities resulting from the turtles having their property rights stolen in unfair treaties. I am calling for massive protests on the scale of Standing Rock to take place on the beaches of Hatteras for the sake of giving the islands back to the Indigenous Chelonians. My fellow protesters and I have already marked off the weeks before and after the 4th of July, so it would be great if everyone could donate to us, because these cottages are expensive. Also if you plan on joining us, remember that this protest is BYOB.”

“Why is no one talking about these negligent welfare queen mother turtles? They have hundreds of babies in government property, and expect tax payers like you and me to protect and support them. Then they just swim back to the ocean and don’t even take care of them. Who’s gonna pick up the bill? I’ll tell you who, it’s people that actually work for a living. We might as well give them free college and health care too. We do that for all the other illegal immigrants. There I said it. These turtles, like our president, don’t have birth certificates. They say they were born here, but how are we supposed to know. They all look alike. They are sending their worst turtles here to steal our money, our fish, and our beaches,” said some chain email that I saw when fixing my uncles computer.

Stephen Stephenson of a local homeowners’ association said, “I heard somewhere online, so I know it has to be true, that one clutch of sea turtles hatching has the same erosion effect as 20 Nor Easters. They are stealing my beaches, and then I have to pay huge tax bills to nourish them, just so the little jerks can come back and wreck them again.”

When tried to interview a turtle we found on the beach yesterday, but he was too stunned to comment. We assume his thoughts and prayers go out to the dead turtle’s family.

If you have comments or opinions better, equal, or stupider to these, please feel free to leave them below so that we may praise, ignore, or ridicule you.

Last Thursday’s Duck Town Council meeting opened with bad news from Town Manager Christopher Lee. Though Lee addressed the Council in his usual somber tones, there was no mistaking the urgency of his message.

“Duck’s one child policy is no longer sustainable,” Lee said. “In 2016 we experienced the first year of negative population growth. The Town’s Demography Division expects this downward trend will continue and accelerate until 2029 when we will have nobody left in the town.”

The Council was visibly shaken by the news, but Lee was not finished delivering his dire news.

“There are only a handful of Duck women capable of childbearing remaining. Of those, most would need the most advanced medical intervention to conceive. We are going to have to consider opening our borders to immigrants from Kill Devil Hills and possibly Colington.”

Paramedics were summoned to render first aid to several members of the public in attendance who fainted. Those left standing produced pitchforks and torches, causing Lee to flee the meeting room. After the angry mob was brought to heel by warning shots from Chief Constable Cutie, Mayor Don Quimby sought to reassure them that there would be no changes to Duck’s immigration policies.

“If we have to raise taxes to afford fertility treatments, if we have to reconsider our one-child policy, so be it. But so long as I am Mayor, we will never open our borders to anyone living south of the Welcome Center.”

From the outside, the headquarters of the League of Extraordinary Women Voters appears to the passer-by as nothing more than an unassuming beach-trinket warehouse, or perhaps a defunct indoor laser-tag venue. It’s just how the League’s president, Doctor SanBernandino, aka “Doctor Dinosaur” liked it.

“The last thing we wanted to do is draw attention to ourselves!” said Doctor SanBernandino. “We didn’t need the Abominable Sandman or Penny Dreadful knowing where we work.”

For over 300 years, the League quietly fought to protect the Outer Banks from the likes of super-villains such as Sandman and Dreadful, whose evil plans ranged from “total world domination” to “domination over Rodanthe.” The League’s anonymity came to an end after the United States became a signatory to the Sokovia Accords in last year, requiring that all super powered beings register with the Department of Extraordinarily Remarkable People (DERP) by 2017.

With the deadline for DERP registration looming, the League has released a list of the individual members and their various powers. As it turns out, League members’ abilities run the gamut from practical to incredible to what could best be described as “curious.” For example, longtime members Jerri Salavan and Francisca Ford Kapola, both can fly unaided, clearly a power useful for fighting evildoers. Marion Munchkin, much as her name implies, can shrink down to subatomic size. Doctor SanBernadino herself has the incredible ability to shape-shift into any kind of dinosaur, living or dead.

But it is the powers of members such as Gerry Smith and Lila Taft that seem to have created the greatest public interest. Smith, the League’s recruitment officer, has a limited sort of clairvoyance where she can always tell the color of the next gumball that will pop out from any gumball-dispensing machine. Taft is purported to have the power to turn invisible when nobody is looking at her.

“The Visionary (Smith) and Glass Girl (Taft) are great gals around headquarters,” said Doctor SanBernandino. “But we don’t put them in the field much, for obvious reasons.”

Despite the loss of their anonymity, the LoEWV vows to continue protecting the Outer Banks from giant seagulls, Graboids and Jim Cantore.

Mob bosses representing several local crime families have expressed extreme displeasure with Governor McCrory’s insistence on continued recounts. With each recount, challenger Roy Cooper’s lead over McCrory has grown, which threatens to upset the over/under for the race.

While normally reticent to talk to the media, The OBX Report was able to convince three of the local Don’s to go on record, as long as everyone understood that anything they said was strictly hypothetically speaking. They, hypothetically, hoped Governor McCrory would receive the message in time to avoid hypothetical unpleasantries.

“So the line up to the election was Cooper +11,000,” said Don Pardo, hypothetical godfather of the Wanchese Fish Mafia. “I think some guys was givin’ 10,500, maybe 10,700, but if I was a gamblin’ man, which I am not, I would say 11 even would be a reasonable line. So after the election, bada bing, Coop wins by a couple thousand votes and we…I mean…hypothetically somebody betting on the race has made some fairly decent money.”

Don Rickles, possibly of the Kill Devil Hills Wings Mafia, said his syndicate of strictly professional beach trinkets stood to lose over seven million dollars in “complicated investment strategies” if the recount total went much higher.

“It would be very bad for business,” he said. “Any consequences from this negativity would be, of course, strictly business.

The soft-spoken head of the Manteo Pirate Mafia, Don Knotts, was much more direct with his hypothetical assessment of the outcome of a recount that eclipsed 11,000 votes.

“I was having a nice afternoon with my grandson fishing the Baum bridge. He caught a really nice striped bass. Not hypothetical at all, this thing weighs twenty pounds at is at least two feet long. We’d really like to have that fish for dinner.”

At this point Don Knotts grew visibly distressed and banged his fist on the table, “But if I have to wrap that fish in the Coastland Times and send it to 200 N. Blount Street to express my considerable dissatisfaction with the direction of these recount proceedings, then my grandson will just have to go to bed hungry!”

“That part, of course,” he added, “would be hypothetical.”

Kill Devil Hills – Barbara Alsnoght took to the Local Facebook group to demand a closure to the immensely popular Aviation Skate Park this week. Apparently she has different opinions than other people on parenting, and thinks letting children play without strict supervision is a recipe for disaster.

“You should have heard the language out of their mouths,” She said as she gesticulated hand movements to emphasize her astonishment, “They were rude to my child who wanted to play on the box in the park! He has just as much a right to ride his razor scooter over the bumps and dohickeys as they have.”

Other parents joined in to express their displeasure at the urban music being played. “I’m not trying to sound like an old person,” said local old person Stephen Warners, “but this rap stuff they listen to isn’t even music. Its all F this and F that and N-word this and that. Not to mention how it objectifies women. It’s not something I want my children listening to,” he said as he gestured to his young boys in the back seat of his car while 95.3 played a Motley Crue song.

“I just want to be able for my child to be able to go everywhere and never be exposed to anything I don’t like,” said fellow outraged mother, Sharron Harrell, “Is that too much to ask?”

When some people, who obviously don’t know what it’s like to have kids, decided to defend the skate park the discussion got heated. They tried to point out a lot things that were not wrong, but in no way changed how angry those parents were.

“I don’t care what they say,” Alsnoght continued to argue, “if other people’s children don’t behave the way I want, I think I should be able to punish them. That goes for young adults hanging out there too. These millennials are so entitled that they think they can defy me when I demand they behave how I want them to in public! How dare they exercise their freedom of speech and expression when I don’t like it. Close the park!”

“My son is on the football team, and he assures me that there is no cussing or bullying going on there,” said another angry mother, “maybe we should put these delinquents on the football team so they can learn some character. My husband plays golf with his friends, and they tell me that there is no bullying or cursing there either. If we close the park maybe they will take up a real sport.”

“There are only 4 other playgrounds within a mile of the park. Where am I supposed to take my kid to play and not have them exposed to these feral children. What are their parent’s thinking by letting them make their own decisions? This is what happens when you let your children eat gluten.”

“We all go through that phase,” said KDH Officer Steve Follwer, “I had a Black Flag shirt when I was in high school, and my hair almost grew past my ears! I go over there occasionally and mix it up with the kids, and let them know I’m still cool and they can talk to me.” When asked how his department plans to chaperon the park he said, “are you serious?  We have real work to do. Anyway, skateboarding isn’t a crime! I had that T-shirt too in high school, and a Bob Marley one, but don’t print that. I don’t want the boss to know about that phase.”

Still people were not relenting with their demands that all public places meet their standards or be closed. One agitated parent even went as far to demand the public beach access by her house should be closed because too many “Colington” people gathered there. “Surely you see how a few anti social deviants can ruin a place so completely, that there is no hope of anyone else ever having fun their again,” she continued, “If we allow just one person to misbehave without shutting down these places, we will have ceded our island to Satan.” (Editor’s Note: Satan was unavailable for comment, even after I sacrificed numerous small creatures to him. Apparently he is still mad about getting fooled by the Cantore story.)

“It’s these entitled millennials!” said another commenter, ” They got a trophy even if they were losers, and now they demand the same rights that were afforded to us by our parents generation! What arrogance! We just want them to follow social norms just like us Gen X-ers did.”

Unfortunately the local skaters had not much to say on the issue. When The Report asked why they didn’t comment, a local skater in beanie replied, “because I’m not joining some dumbass Facebook group, my hobby is skating, not bitching on social media,” then he put on sunglasses, took a pull of a cigarette and skated away like a badass.

Dare County has been included in District 10 by the organizers of the First Annual Hungry Games, a placement that has confounded local leaders and prompted protests in downtown Manteo. District 10 stretches north from the Outer Banks and includes the Hampton Roads area communities, Petersburg and Richmond.

Dare County Commissioner Rooster Crowcall stated, “Being lumped in with a large population of city-dwellers puts us at a tremendous disadvantage. We were really hoping to be in District 9 with Hyde, Tyrell  and Beaufort. Them boys can hunt, fish and make a crossbow out of two sticks and a scrunchie. They know how to survive.”

Nags Head town manager Cliff Oddturn agreed, stating that it was unlikely that District 10 would ever see extra food rations, let alone luxury items granted to the winner of the Hungry Games. He said that the burden of fielding tributes for the Games would likely fall on Outer Banks residents for the foreseeable future, noting that at the very least skills like fishing and hang-gliding could have some tangential benefits for competitors. He did not see the “soft-handed office types” that make up the majority of the population in the urban areas of District 10 being able to field decent participants for the Games.

But the ever-optimistic District 10 representative Beffie Troswell stated she believed the odds to be in District 10’s favor.

“We have over forty-six Crossfit gyms in District 10. That’s 100% more than in all of District 9 put together! Crossfit warriors are in superb shape: anyone who can do the McCluskey or a Filthy Fifty should be able to handle a broadsword, right? Besides, those icky illegal aliens live in District 9. Who wants to be teammates with a bug-man-thing?”

The inaugural Hungry Games will be held on April 1st, 2017 at AT&T stadium in Arlington, Texas.

Nags Head – Police are reporting multiple arrests and hospitalizations in what they are calling a gang fight between tribute bands. The two bands are being identified as “The Garden Grove All Stars” and the “Lou Dogs.”

The Report was able to interview multiple members of both bands immediately after the incident.

When asked how the altercation started, Rashi, the drummer for the Lou Dogs said, “Well it all started when that bumbasquat Jessi (the guitarist for the All Stars) come up and he want tell me, Garden Grove All Stars play it better than we. We might not be from L.A. but that don’t mean we fuck around. Well I told that bendejo if he starts talking trash I’ll pull out my Smith and Wesson. ”

“Rashi, was the one who started the argument,” stated All Star’s bassist, Vance, “We were all at a party, a house party, and everyone was getting along. Everyone was drinking and participating in some anarchy. That guy, Rashi, he comes up and starts talking trash. I swear he has a mouth like a motorbike. I told him don’t push because I have my wooden baseball bat, and shiney silver gat, and my homies have my back. That’s all I need. Rashi surely hadn’t taken the lesson.”

Lou Dogs’ back up singer Aisha told the Report, “That Rashi, a lover is the reason why his souls unsound. His ex girl Hannah ran off with this guy named Sancho. Ever since then he really can’t define what he wants to say, so he acts out violently. When our crews run into each other he sees Bradlee’s(All Star’s lead singer) girl Ramona, and he can tell without asking she’s into the blues, if you know what I’m saying. He wanted to get that chica on his tipa.”

“Bradlee was not having that,” said Lou Dog’s tour manager Jermaine West, “as soon as Rashi started acting like he was the man with the master plan, Bradlee saw red. He doesn’t like the way Rashi is drinking and dancing trying to turn it out with his girl. He’s raging and swirling and burning inside. He tells him to shut up his mouth before he gets knocked out. Well Rashi didn’t want to hear that. Since he left the pen he bought himself a gun. To conquer was his goal, and with a pistol in his pocket and a bottle full of booze, he starts telling, stories, tales, lies, and exaggerations about the All Stars.”

“I was in the middle of them,” Ramona told the Report, ”I was saying don’t push, don’t push, but they didn’t want to listen. Rashi starts telling Bradlee that people don’t want to pay no money fee for the same old sound. Bradlee wasn’t trying to battle. He was just trying to let the lovin’ take hold over him, but some jealous punk snuck up around his back. Lord he got into a fist fight, and wound up in jail all night.”

It turns out the jealous punk Ramona was referring to was none other than Bradlie, the lead singer for the Lou Dogs. As the front men duked it out for Sublime tribute supremacy, the other band members joined into the melee.

“You can’t fight against our group, because we’re strong. When I saw Bradlee getting whaled on by Bradlie, I saw red! I had to be there,” Garden Grove All Star’s guitarist, Rudy, told us after the police were finished taking his statement, “I grabbed my forty ounce and headed right for that fool, Rashi. I ain’t afraid of him, he ain’t nothing but a man.”

“She’s scandalous and evil, most definitely,” An All Star’s groupie who wishes to remain unnamed told us, “She instigated the whole thing. Flirting with Rashi right in front of Bradlee. Rashi is too good for her. Every day I love him just a little bit more, but he loves me the same. I’ll show Ramona. She better watch my sides, I’m dangerous.”

“Fucking and fighting it’s all the same in the end,” said Lou Dogs bassist Jackson, “Take a tip from me: smoke two joints in the morning. Smoke two joints at night. Smoke two joints in the afternoon, and you’ll feel alright.”

“We confiscated a ridiculous amount and variety of marijuana. Other drugs too: mushroom tea, ecstasy, nitrous, opium, acid, heroin, and PCP,” said Nags Head Police Officer Brown, “They have been touring to the North, South, East, and West, and they picked up a lot of drugs on the way. It was chaos on the scene when we arrived. Bradlee had Bradlie in a Kung Fu grip, but payback’s a mother fucking bitch, and Bradlee is a man with a real strong will to survive, He starts pulling out Bradlie’s dreads and whipping him with them. I would not lie to you. That’s when another suspect started to pelt us with stones and sticks. We have seen events like this get out of control-”

“Like the time they tried to burn the liquor store down to the ground.” Interjected Officer Brown’s superior, Lieutenant Drucher, “Some idiot even ran at us hollerin’ ‘187’, so we put him down with a taser. Once the other band members saw that they gave us no trouble, no fuss, except for that Rashi character. He was face down in the yard mumbling ‘what happen’, but he kept pushing on even though he was barely alive towards Ramona, so we restrained him. Once backup arrived we interviewed everyone that hadn’t run off to their secret tweaker pad. We let them know we were sick and tired of their activities and their untruths. They kept stonewalling us, so we took them all to jail. It’s all the same in the end to me. Well except for the paperwork.”

Dare County has had to pay overtime to police and court staff to wade through the mountain of charges filed against both bands. An Assistant District Attorney admitted that this will put the courts behind for weeks.

The Outer Banks has long been a stop on tour for Sublime tribute bands. When asked why a local promoter quipped, “either because the residents have impeccable and eclectic taste in classic music, or because it is one of the only places the 20 year old music about being a drug addict is still relevant.”

Both bands plan on continuing their tours once they manage to get enough cash to bail out all the members. In the meantime the few members currently not doin’ time have found they need a place to stay. Anyone chill with a couch or van is being asked to help out.

The Société of the Tribe of Dare has announced their annual gathering will be held at Ft. Raleigh in August 2017.

While 98% of historians agree that the 114 members of the Lost Colony either perished during an unusually hellish Pleiades meteor shower or were consumed by bears, there has long been a fringe group of researchers who have disagreed. The point to evidence such as the Eleanor Dare Stones, the literary works of E.A.B. Shackelford, and an eye-witness illustration of an unknown Native Americans spiriting away a woman who looks suspiciously like Virginia Dare.

“I found this hand-written paper of my grandfather’s with one of those tree-branch things that shows where you came from,” Goldberg said. “It shows how we’re related to the Kennedy’s and then you follow that branch back on past Mary Todd Lincoln and then there’s a direct line of descendants right to Virginia Dare. Her blood runs in my veins.”

“I got the STD going way back in 1929,” Woolblend said. “Ever since, I worked tirelessly to bring the STD’s message to as many people as I could: that Virginia Dare is alive in so many of us and we’re special. I reckon I brought over three thousand people into the STD’s embrace in my lifetime, and who knows how many people they’ve touched.”

Colington – Chuck “Boney” Watson of Colingwood is sick of people complaining about the drive back to Colington. “People now don’t even know how it used to be.”

“When you came around the turn at the church going 45 into the bank, you felt like you were at Talladega,” he said reminiscing to anyone who would listen at T.J.s.

The infamous “church turn” was diverted years ago in the interest of safety, but Boney was not consulted.

“I remember the first time I almost got hit there,” he said longingly as he looked up, “you really felt alive in those days. Back then people knew what Colington was about: drinking, smoking weed, being awesome, and almost dying on your way to and from work. Shits changed now man, shits changed.”

“My mom told me that they changed it because so many people died there,” said some kid who stopped to listen before a parent quickly ushered them away from Boney.

“Yeah people died there,” Boney said stoically, “but they also lived there too.”

As the chief sluice operator for the hopper dredge Currituck, Dwight Fettig had seen a number of surprising things pulled up from the bottom of the ocean.

Trapped in the wire mesh drag filter was a 17th century cutlass with a gold and jewel encrusted pommel. When workers opened the trap to retrieve the sword, a dozen gold doubloons spilled onto the deck along with rotten planks from a chest.

Knowing he had to act quickly to preserve his claim to the treasure, the Currituck’s captain, Joel Benson lept into the chilly waters of the Albemarle Sound, a bowline clenched firmly between his teeth. After three tries he was able to locate the hulk of the Sith’s Revenge, Blackbeard’s second favorite sloop, jutting from the sediment on the bottom of the Sound. Tying off the rope to the rotting bowsprit, Cpt. Benson triggered Article 4 of the Law of the Sea and the Sith’s treasure belonged to him and his crew.

The Currituck was last seen steaming south in the direction of St. Lucia, the crew bellowing classic sea chanteys, as the Jolly Roger flew from the mast. Ships in the area are warned to steer clear.