Author: Goatman

Duck – His friends thought he was crazy when he booked a beach cottage for November, but Howard Wang knew he got a good deal. “My coworkers pay five times as much as I did to come here in July and August. I was able to rent a massive, 10 bedroom house for my family of five.”

“We aren’t exactly a big swimmers, in that we don’t swim like at all, so we really don’t mind that the weather isn’t ideal for beach-going. We got the picture with the white shirts on, and then went to a movie.”

Local realtor Shelly Vanderbilt says ocean averse tourist are a hot new demographic for off-season rentals. “It used to be family reunions, fisherman, birders, or weddings looking to save money, but now we have these families that want to vacation like their friends, but don’t want to actually want anything to do with the water. The advantages are not just monetary. There are a lot fewer lines for places like restaurants or museums. The weather isn’t so sweltering for out door activities. The wild horses are much more docile this time of year. Also the mosquitoes and venomous hermit crabs are much less of a nuisance.”

The orbit of Earth’s moon has brought it closer to our planet than any time since 1948, creating a “Super Moon” effect much to the delight of amateur astronomers, backwoods alcohol producers, ghost crab hunters, and werewolves.  But the Moon’s proximity has caused untold grief to a significant portion of the world’s population: men.

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta has reported a 729% increase in emergency room visits for erectile dysfunction (ED) since Sunday when the Moon began its climatic near-approach to the Earth. Researchers are still unsure of the correlation between ED and the Moon’s proximity to the Earth but a number of theories have been proposed by the chief scientist working on the problem, Dr. Robert Enzite.

“There may be an inverse relationship between the increased effect of the Moon’s gravitational pull and the ability for males to achieve tumescence,” Dr. Enzite said. “That or everybody is just partying too much after the erection, I mean, election, and can’t get it up.”

On the Outer Banks, the ED Effect has created interesting fluctuations in the local economy. Pharmacies have reported massive sales in morning-before pills such as Viagra, Cialis, and Sexual Tyrannosaurs. On the flip side, the grand opening of the Dare County’s first porn emporium “Leather and More Leather” was a total flop. The few attendees said they “just weren’t feeling it” before wandering off to check out the newly redesigned North Carolina Aquarium on Roanoke Island.

Oregon Inlet – The U.S. Coast Guard christened their newest addition to the fleet this week, The Explorer 200. This light weight man-powered boat is adept at navigating the rough surf and shallow inlets of the Outer Banks or North Carolina.

“She really gives us the power to get a lot closer to the shore than our other boats that have a deeper draft,” said Lt. Steve Walmach, “We have been struggling to get our ships through the New New Inlet, Explorer 200 handles it like a champ.”

“This ship was thoroughly by my 5 year old, Lisa,” said Commander James McOwen, “She was able to get it out past the breakers before my wife made me go get her. This ship is ready to shine!”

Some critics have voiced concerns about the ships build quality. “Do we really want to trust our service member’s lives to an inflatable toy made in China?” questioned Holly Cumstock, of the Center for responsible inflatables, “We have a whitepaper out showing that using an American manufacturer would only increase the price per boat by a hundred and fifty thousand percent. A small price to pay when we are talking about the lives of our Coasties.”

Rear Admiral Johnathan Sharnetz dismissed such complaints as he repeatedly pummeled the boat with a champagne bottle in a vain attempt to christen it. “Sure looks tough enough to me!”

 

Kill Devil Hills – Harry Clark, the man the Report previously highlighted for not preparing, woke up up hungover and wet on Monday morning. “At first I thought I’d pee’d ma self,” Mr. Clark said, “then I realized that the whole rug I was on was wet, and I knew then it couldn’t have been pee since I have a constricted urethra cause mah prostate’s been acting up. After taking a few minutes to get mah bearings I realized the whole room was flooded. I walked out my front door and looked down the beach road and it was like that Kevin Costner movie.”

When asked if he was referring to Water World, the 1995 mega blockbuster flop about a world submerged completely in water, he replied, “No stupid! I mean The Guardian. The one where Kevin is a rescue swimmers for the coast guard. I was Kevin and my trashcans and lawn furniture were the crew of the fishing vessel stuck in a crazy storm in the Bering Straight that needed saving. Mah dog, Jerry, played Ashton Kucher. Anyway we get out there and it’s blowing a gale, pouring rain, flood water everywhere. I didn’t have time to think so I grabbed mah beer cooler and dragged it back to the house, narrowly missing a port o pottie as it floated by. All my friends from the Hurricane party were gone, but I still had some Tecate and limes in the cooler.”

As we conducted the interview from our kayak we could see a tree leaning on his partially submerged house. Trash was floating all around, and it looked like he was drying clothing on the downed power line. When asked if he regretted believing the forecasts, he had this to say, “Well I didn’t believe the first one that said it was going to hit us, and I felt real smart when the later ones showed us it would miss us and turn back south, so it stands to reason that I was dumb for not believing the forecast then dumb again for believing it. So two dumbs cancel out and mean I was smart all along. I shoulda gone with my gut and do what I usually do: ignore and distrust everything from the government. The only good thing that comes out of Washington is the Redskins!”

Kill Devil Hills – A local man, Harry Clark, felt rather proud of himself for his lack of preparation for the oncoming hurricane. While his neighbors were securing their trash cans and yard furniture, he was shaking his head saying, “Not yet.”
“I feel like procrastination paid off this time,” He explained to the Report, “I was a little hesitant to hesitate after how unprepared for Tropical Storm Hermine I was. My garbage can blew over and it was all over the neighborhood. I had a branch go through my window too. It almost made me regret staying out at the bar until one in the morning the night of the storm. I just have to keep reminding myself that you never know how those things are going to move around. I been down here 42 years, and I have seen ‘em swing out into the ocean or change their route and go into Florida. I read the fine print on that weather channel website. It says the hurricane only stays in the cone 60-70% of the time. That means a third of the time my doing nothing is the right decision. It’s not a good strategy when you look at the numbers, but it feels good, just like being a Redskins fan.”

Dare Center – An argument was left unsettled today as Kitty Hawk resident Brittany Climbers and her roommate Steph Hammer debated the nick names they would use for the new grocery stores on the beach.

“We agreed Shitty Kitty was better than Food Dog so why can’t we agree that Pube Licks is the better name?” Brittany asked her friend.

“It’s not just about which one is more vulgar,” Steph replied annoyed, “It has to have a ring to it. I don’t feel like saying Pube Licks all the time. Shitty Kitty is fun to say. I’m sticking with my idea to call it Puke Dicks.”

“Aww come on,” Brittany pleaded, “it’s not like that rolls off the tongue. I know Pube Licks is not as good as Hairy Peeter, but I think it will grow on you.”

“No way! I’m not saying it, and I’m calling dibs on Trader Joe’s being  Faded Hoes,” Steph said with a smile.

“Faded? I think you are stretching it too far. You could have just gone with Traded Hoes. You know because hoes get traded around by pimps, and what not.”

“Human trafficking is nothing to joke about, Britt,” Steph said sternly, “didn’t you watch that documentary I told you to watch?”

“I thought someone said the store was going to be an Aldi anyway,” Brittany replied.

“Aldi? What the hell are we gonna call that?”

Locals and tourist alike are struggling today after a category 4 hurricane party hit the Outer Banks on Labor Day weekend. The governor has declared a state of emergency, and emergency services are working overtime trying to clean up the mess that is the OBX right now.

With no power and fading cell phone batteries, people had very few excuses not to party. “It was a rough, hot Summer; people were ready to cut loose,” Said Hurricane Party expert Niles Anderson.

After a Summer of flat or lackluster sales many businesses worried that Tropical Storm Hermine would extinguish their last hope at a good year.  Early reports are showing that is the case for businesses that make their money on outdoor activities like jet ski rentals and horse tours. Alcohol purchases on the other hand were up by triple digit percentages. The tax generated alone by these sales was enough to balance the state budget.

Sound side flooding has begun to recede, but the hangover is showing no signs of stopping. In fact when the flood waters were tested, they were found to have a B.A.C. of .13. Well above the legal limit for flooding.

Erosion has been rampant and wide spread. From the beach road in Kitty Hawk, to the causeway, to the beaches of Hatteras island, to the esophagus. Experts are making rough estimates that Hurricane Hermine has caused at least 3 million dollars in damage to the livers of local party goers. FEMA issued a statement reminding people that they will not be distributing money to those who’s damage is self inflicted.

“Ain’t no party like a hurricane party,” Said local bar scene regular Ashley Johnston. When asked to elaborate her only reply was, “Because it’s a hurricane party! Woooo!”

Local government officials were able to use radar and social media to track the intensity of the hurricane partying. “We saw a lull in the partying Saturday morning. That is what is called the eye of the hurricane party. But by the time the power cut out around noon, the festivities resumed with sustained parting of 50 gusts of up 95 beers per hour.”

Walgreens, CVS, and Rite Aid are all reporting severe shortages on Tums, Imodium, Maalox, and Alka Seltzer. Breakfast restaurants are putting extra bacon grease in their food this morning to do their part. Emergency services are requesting that people stay in their homes, until their blood alcohol level returns to normal.

With power still not restored in some places, county officials are worried the partying will continue. “Our guys are working as fast as we safely can to get the power on so people stop drinking,” said Virginia Powerman Bill, “I got crews from all over Virginia down here to help fix this, and they are working overtime. I would just like to ask people to stop harassing and obstructing them. We have to turn the power back on, and no we can’t go somewhere else first. You have to work tomorrow anyway, it is time to stop partying.”

Corolla – 12 year old Bobby Jameson from White Sulfur Springs West Virginia is ready to hit the surf with his newly acquired Great White Shark Styrofoam body board. He has been training for months in his Grandmother’s bath tub, and watching footage from his spectacular display last year.

“I think I can improve on a few things,” Bobby informed this reporter unprovoked as we were voraciously eating all the free cookies, “I’m gonna try and get closer to the beach so the wave is already crashed when I ride it. Then it will push me way harder directly straight into the sand.”

“He’s a natural,” Bobby’s mom volunteered as this reporter was trying to look away without feigning interest, “Last year he flipped completely over when he rode the wave in! His Nana was so proud of him she almost got out of her Tommy Bahama beach chair.”

“I wish I could buy two boards,” Bobby said as he followed the reporter who had finished stuffing the remaining cookies into his cargo shorts and began walking to the exit, “since I broke my board half way through vacation last year, and I lost out on shredding it those last three days.”

“One board is enough,” His mother said in an accent that can’t be described here without offending people, “It’s the best beach toy because when it breaks open all the little Styrofoam comes out, and dissolves in the ocean. You don’t have to worry about dragging it up the long walk to the beach house. The the boards just magically take care of themselves.”

“I think I can do a 360 no scope on my board this year,” Bobby kept on about as this reporter frantically blew into the blow and go in order to start his scooter, “I’m gonna show all those skim boarders I can do just as good as them one day. Mom says when Nana dies we will have enough money for a Hard Slick™.”

Police were called to the beach Monday to quell a spontaneous Civil War reenactment. Witnesses say it all started when Tim Guthrie, 41, of Tennessee made a snide comment about the rebel flag swimming suits of the family next to him at the Baltic St beach access. Randall Johnson, of Ohio took umbrage with the comments and decided to say something about it. The men exchanged words or grunts according to witnesses, and began shoving each other. The significant other’s of the men decided to start exchanging insults and began circiling. After much yelling and mouth breathing, Johnson finally swung at, but did not connect with Guthrie. The spouses locked arms and began pulling eachother’s hair. Even the children of the families began to hit chase eachother.

At that point all the beach goers wearing American flag bathing suits, which constitutes a large percentage of people on the beach, joined into the melee. Things were not looking good for Johnson, but out of nowhere an entire family of confederate flag wearers crested the dune. With a Rebel yell they descended into the fray.

Nags Head Police arrived shortly after, and put an end to the altercation. According to Officer Drumdulerman, “There wasn’t much real fighting going on. They were mostly chasing each other all over the beach. I don’t think the guy that started it even put his beer down. The only thing that was damaged was a Hard Slick body board that caught on fire after a cigarette was dropped on it.”

When contacted, the Outer Banks History Center told the OBX Report, that this is the first ever impromptu Civil War reenactment on the Outer Banks. “We haven’t had this kind of beach shenanigans since the The Chicamacomico Races in 1861,” said Historian Laura Barkley, “We love that the visitors to the Outer Banks are really engaging with the history here. It just goes to show that just because they go to the Aquarium, beach, Jockey’s Ridge, Lost Colony, and basically every other attraction but us, they still want to learn about history.”

After a story about a venomous strain of hermit crab, known as the Viper Crab, appeared in the OBX Report, gullible store owners across the Outer Banks began destroying their hermit crab stocks to prevent the spread of the invasive species. Complicating matters, many well intentioned merchants flushed their hermit crabs down the toilet, causing a surge in emergency plumbing calls.

The OBX Report would remind readers that this publication is a satirical news site and what appears on our pages is, in fact, only marginally more factual than a typical presidential candidate’s press release. In point of fact, we are glad readers enjoy our stories, but they should not be taken seriously, and for the love of all that is holy, nobody should start a jihad against innocent creatures such as hermit crabs based on our reporting.

So, to summarize, Viper Crabs, much like the Loch Ness Monster, Giant Sea Gulls in Hatteras, Big Foot and Trump University Diplomas (or, if you prefer, commemorative shell casings from the Hillary Clinton Bosnian sniper attack.) are not real. Complete fabrications. While it is true, as carcinologist Dr. Samuelson noted in the original report, both Nile Crabs and wolf spiders have eight legs, it is simply not possible for them to produce offspring that are not sterile. Kind of like that whole thing with horse, donkeys and mules.

In any case, we sincerely regret any role we have played in the destruction of the local captivate hermit crab population. If you have not murdered your hermit crab yet, please refrain from doing so based on our previous story. It will likely die by its own volition in 4-6 weeks after purchase anyway. No need to steal what few precious moments your pet has left.

And please stop emailing, calling, and texting us. We said we were sorry. It was enough for Mel Gibson. It should be enough for you.