Author: Goatman

Outer Banks – A twenty-year old man from Ohio is in the hospital recovering from the deadly sting of a Coenobita Venana, commonly known as the Viper Crab, that he suffered at a local area pet shop. The reappearance of the deadly crustacean spells trouble for local area stores that are heavily dependent on the hermit crab trade.

Viper Crabs have plagued beach civilizations since at the days of the Pharaohs. Historians have speculated that the great Egyptian queen, Cleopatra, poisoned herself with a Viper Crab rather than an asp as has been commonly reported.

Carcinologist Dr. Drey Samuelson explained that the Viper Crab did not actually evolve, rather it was bred by the early Egyptians in one of the earliest known examples of genetic manipulation.

“Back then, somebody thought it would be a good idea to cross breed a Nile crab with a wolf spider,” explained Dr. Samuelson. “I guess they figured both had eight legs, so why not? It was a spectacularly bad idea on the order of Alexander Graham Bell’s six-nippled sheep experiment, only difference being Bell’s sheep couldn’t destroy a civilization.”

The Viper Crabs are not likely to wipe out civilization, but they will put an enormous dent in the hermit crab trade. Viper Crabs are able to mate and reproduce with their harmless Coenobitidae cousins. The venomous nature of the offspring isn’t evident until approximately six months after birth when the inch-long fangs erupt. Already, agents from the North Carolina Department of Monster Control are fanning out across the Outer Banks, gassing both wild and domestic colonies of hermit crabs.

“We thought they’d been wiped out back in ‘08,” said Tim Babbleton, owner of Deepwater Horizon, a local curios store that has been trafficking hermit crabs since 1970. “Them comin’ back now right before the big Labor Day weekend…man. It’s worse than a hurricane.”

Buxton – Residents have been on the lookout. Reports have been flooding in about a Seagull of enormous size that has been spotted in the skies over Buxton. Vacationer Phillis Phundelson of Intercourse, Pennsylvania spotted the great beast.

“I heard this tremendous racket behind me as I was walking toward the beach. I turned and saw this monster of a seagull bearing down on me. I just managed to dive behind a dune before the beast grabbed at me with its webbed feet that were as big as tents. I jumped up and snapped a picture of it as it disappeared in the sunrise, heading out to sea.”

She was further quoted as saying, “Yinz got some dang big Pigeons down here.” But no one understood her.

Residents believe the monstrous bird may be nesting in one of the offshore oil rigs.

OBX Report’s attempts to raise communication with the rig were met with bloodcurdling screams for help followed by silence. Massive feathers, some up to twelve feet long, have been found floating in the general direction of the oil rig, and none of the crew have been seen ashore for weeks.

When asked about this, authorities said they were ‘mildly concerned’.

In a statement issued yesterday, under the protection of anonymity, a local officer stated,  “I didn’t see nuthin’.” He then quickly ran off while shooting furtive looks skyward.

A local conservationist was quoted as saying, “Good, I hope it eats ‘em all.”

At the moment a massive net is being secured to the Cape Hatteras lighthouse. A flatbed truck arrived yesterday morning, carrying the world’s largest cheese curl to be used as bait.

OBX reports will continue to report on this story as developments arise.

Wanchese – Natives and long-time locals of this coastal fishing village on the south end of Roanoke Island will soon see a familiar face in the Wanchese Winn-Dixie. At the end of the checkout line they may notice a strange bearded figure bagging their groceries, Johnny Nepkin. With his colorful clothing and pointy hat, he has stood as a warning figure for generations of Wanchesers.

Shopper Theodore “Fink” Daniels remembers his mother telling him that “if I didn’t behave, Johnny Nepkin would visit in the night, toss me into a sack, and carry me off into the swamp.” Fink and many others in the village often kept to the straight and narrow to avoid being abducted by this local Boogie Man.

Nonetheless, after decades of frightening children, Mr. Nepkin is now working at an hourly-wage job at the local supermarket. When asked what prompted the career change, Nepkin replied, “I don’t know. I believe in my heart that I was serving an important purpose for the community and that several kids turned their lives around because of me. But I gotta tell you, it is hard on the soul to do that kind of work. Kids can be exhausting, especially when you are stealing them from their homes in the night.”

When pressed, though, Nepkin admits that he may have had other reasons to pursue a different path: “OK, OK, I’m being straight with you here, it didn’t help that Goat Man retired to write that stupid blog. We had a partnership, and without him, I have nowhere to take the sacks of kids. He left me high and dry. Anyway, if he can make an honest living, I figure I can, too.”

At this point, the store manager walked by and glared pointedly at Nepkin. “Listen,” the former mass kidnapper hissed, hastily bagging a two-liter bottle of Tahitian Treat, a Fleet enema, and a box of Ho-Ho’s, “I have to get back to work. I need this job, man. I applied everywhere, but with my resume, well, bagging things is pretty much all I have ever done.”

Cashier Joanne “Toenail” Midgette added, “Yeah, I grew up terrified of Johnny Nepkin, and I have to say it was really creepy working next to him the first couple of days, but man, can that guy bag some groceries. He keeps us all laughing, too, I mean, seriously, Dude, that hat!”

After his shift, Nepkin admitted that the hours are longer than he is used to working, but at least the job is during daylight hours: “That’s one good thing, I guess. I was always on third shift before, but now I get to have a semi-normal life. Matter of fact, I am meeting Goat Man for an after-hours drink right now. We’re going to go sit up on the top deck at Mulligan’s, and drink Orange Crushes. Goat Man, of course, only drinks Bloody Mary’s, like that isn’t completely cliché.” Nepkin rolled his eyes and chortled, got on his moped, and puttered away toward the beach, now just another regular guy trying to survive.

Jennette’s Pier, Nags Head – Today on historic Jennette’s Pier at Whalebone Junction in Nags Head, Governor Pat McCrory announced an aggressive beach nourishment program for the Outer Banks of North Carolina. After a brief introduction by State Senator Phil “No Homo” Berger, McCrory spoke to those assembled on the concrete pier.

“I want to thank the great people of Dare County for the warm welcome. Tourism is the engine of the local economy, and I know that beach erosion is a serious problem for the residents and for the small businesses that make this country great. I want you to know that I have heard your complaints.” The crowd gave a smattering of polite applause.

“Now, although there is no real scientific proof that global warming exists, we plan to do something about it anyway. Now, sure, we could come up with some big government program to dredge up sand from the ocean floor and spread it along the beach, but isn’t throwing government money around the real problem? Private enterprise has always proven to do a better job for less money, and it just so happens that at the exact time I need material to put on our beaches, I have friends in private industry who have quite a bit of material that they need to get rid of. Two birds with one stone, so to speak.” The crowd exhibited a mixture of cautious optimism and dawning realization.

“To that end,” the governor announced, “my friends at Duke Energy, who have been so generous to my campaigns and the campaigns of my friends in the North Carolina General Assembly, have graciously offered to transport all of the coal ash in their containment basins out to the coast to be spread along the beaches from the Virginia border down to Ocracoke. We estimate that this selfless act by one of our most valued industrial partners, will extend the beach an average of one hundred to one hundred fifty feet.”

“Now, some people may complain about the color of the ash, but do you know how much people pay to go to Hawaii to see the black sands on their coastline? We will have the only black beaches on the east coast, unless we can get more offshore drilling approved, and it will be a major tourist draw and boon to the local economy.”

“And to those who keep whining about chromium in the coal ash, think about this. When I was a kid, chromium was a good thing. We put it on our cars to make them shiny, and we were proud of it. I guess maybe liberal tree-huggers aren’t proud of America, but gosh darn it, I sure am.” The crowd roared with applause at the mention of the name of their country, and responded with an impromptu chant of “‘Murrica, ‘Murrica, ‘Murrica”.

Beaming in the glow of North Carolina patriotism, McCrory continued his speech: “When we have extended the beaches, we plan to start building up the elevation of coastal properties a uniform fifty feet above sea level using the same coal ash. Certainly, most houses will have to be raised, but this will take them out of the flood zone, saving millions of dollars in flood insurance, and the construction industry will get a windfall from the house-raising jobs. It’s a win-win.”

Following the announcement, McCrory flashed a double-V for Victory sign, marked his territory at the end of the pier, and was driven back to Raleigh in a sleek black limousine.

Southern Shore – Some segments of the posh community of Southern Shores has a huge problem on its hands. And, there seems to be no good solution in sight. During Tuesday’s town council meeting nearly 100 residents, most of whom live along the fairway of the Duck Woods County Club came forth to complain that their properties are being bombarded with too many flyaway golf balls. Irate comments, laced with expletives heard only in hard core rap, filled the air as many speakers were gaveled down by mayor Thom Burnett for exceeding their three minute allocation. Four speakers, including 90 year old Harvey Creedmor, had to be escorted to the doorway and into the lobby by police chief Robert Cole, who was at the meeting to deliver a monthly report on his department’s effort to stop tourist from using the town’s streets as a shortcut to Duck and Corolla.

“It’s all about money”, screamed Doris Smithson, who said she spends too much time fishing golf balls out of her swimming pool. “Half the people I see out on the course don’t know a golf ball from a toad stool, said Smithson. “People come to the Outer Banks on vacation and think they have to play golf here, when they’ve never played the game in their life. The club takes their money and turns them loose and they spray golf balls in everyone’s yard, break windows, scare our pets and damage our property” she said. “It’s time for action, visitation is out of control and our property values keep going down”.

“I say, take their money, but give them only one golf ball,” shouted Leo Busch from his chair. “When they lose that ball, it’s game overl!”

“That’s easy for you to say,” rebutted George Stone, whose home backs up to the fairway on the first hole. I get more golf balls than any of you, have more broken windows and can’t let my dog out during the day to take a leak.

“Build a wall around the damn fairway,” screamed old lady Thelma Fruton, while telling the lady next to her, “I don’t know why my son moved me to this God-forsaken Hell Hole in the first place”.

“I didn’t realize the problem has gotten so bad,” said councilman Walt Phizenmier, “but I dropped my club membership years ago”.

“It’s not like the old days,” shouted Sam Torthammer. “When I moved here from Jersey, no one could play but members. Today, we let anyone with a dollar bill on the course and its not even safe to sit in our backyards. Hell, one day last week, there were two young metal scrappers wading around the waterholes picking up bent golf clubs.”

“What’s the town going to do about this?” shouted Percy Kavenish, whose home backs up to the 17th hole. “It’s not just golf balls. I have to deal with beer cans and other trash. Where do these people come from?”

After nearly two hours of public comments, and upon the advice of town attorney Burnie Gallop, the board told the audience they did not see the issue as a town problem. “It’s a private club,” said mayor Burnett. “You deal with it”.

“Well then, you need to come by my house and look after my aging mother-in-law, shouted Marvin Milstein. Everytime a golf ball hits the side of my house, she wets her pants !”

“You’re out of order, shouted Burnett. Escort him to the door”.

Corolla – The discovery of a male adolescent in a fourteen-room rental house in Corolla, North Carolina has raised some disturbing questions in this upscale vacation community.

The Cooper family of Piscataway, NJ was holding a reunion in the home over the weekend of July 4. Fifteen children from eight different families led to some confusion over which child belonged to which set of parents. As Dallas Cooper, Jr. explained, “There were so many kids running around that eventually we stopped worrying about it and just kind of communally watched over them all: feeding, supervising swimming and games, and bedtimes.”

Evidently, nobody claimed the twelve-year-old boy who wore a tattered T-shirt from the rental company and a pair of dirty blue board shorts every day, nobody remarked where he went at bedtime, and nobody except the other kids noticed that he hoarded extra food at every meal.

“Yeah, I seen him stuff three weenies in a grocery bag once and then sneak out of the room,” stated ten-year-old Houston Cooper. “I just figured he had an eating disorder or something, but I never figured out where he took all them weenies.”

Nobody probably would ever have found out, either, had family patriarch Austin Cooper not realized that he had left his glasses on his night stand. The rest of the family had already left the house, but when Austin drove back to retrieve the glasses he found the boy later dubbed “McMansion Boy” cleaning the leftover food from the refrigerator. Mr. Cooper at first thought that one of the other Coopers had left him behind, but upon questioning the boy panicked and disappeared up the stairs.

Authorities later found the boy in an unfinished section of the attic: “He had built quite a den up there,” reported Officer Sleem. “He had a small bed that he had dragged up there from one of the bedrooms, a mini-fridge that he apparently found somewhere beside the road, and a large larder of junk food pilfered from vacationers. He had run an extension cord up there for electricity and a hose for water.”

Social Services took custody of the boy and attempted to identify him and find his parents, but they discovered that the child had limited communication skills. Social Services Media Spokesperson Deena Medea explained, “At first he only pointed and made grunts and snorts, but later we learned that he knew two phrases in English: ‘Go Redskins’ and ‘Go Steelers'”.

Subsequent investigations have led authorities to believe that the boy had been living in the house since he was four, hiding in the attic and mingling with groups large enough that he could go unnoticed. Officer Sleem: “His original family probably became disoriented from too much sun and Corona Lights and simply forgot him when they left the house at the end of their rental week. The little guy has spent years scrounging for food during the day and hiding in the attic at night. It’s like those stories you hear about kids being raised by wolves, only this one was raised by tourists.”

Although protesters have agitated for his re-release back into his natural habitat or into a similar giant rental house, local realty companies are reluctant to accept the accept the responsibility, fearing lawsuits.

Nags Head – Last Sunday evening, a local man placed a frantic call to the Dare County Sheriff’s Office 911 Communications Center. A transcript of the call follows:

24 July 2016, 5:17 p.m.

(DC911)  Dare County 911.

(WW)  Hello, ah, this is Willett Wescott. You’ve got to help me!

(DC911)  What is the nature of your emergency, Mr. Wescott?

(WW)  Oh, please, hurry. I’m trapped!

(DC911)  And what is your location, sir?

(WW)  I’m in the Nags Head Food Lion. The old one, not the new one.

(DC911)  You say you are trapped? How are you trapped, sir? Is somebody holding you against your will?

(WW)  I’m back by the beer cooler. God only knows how I got this far, but I can’t get out now. The carts, they are everywhere, jammed up one against the other. People are being crushed!

(DC911)  Sir, leave your groceries behind and try to work your way to the front of the store.

(WW)  It’s too late, too late, I tell you. I am pinned up against the IPA’s. Every checkout line is open, but the lines stretch all the way to the back of the store. This is never going to clear. We’re all going to die in here!

(DC911)  Please stay calm, sir. I am dispatching police to assist you.

(WW)  You don’t understand. They are like locusts. There was a flat with hundreds of cases of Bud Light, and they just swarmed over it. It was gone in three minutes.

(DC911)  Can you climb up into the cooler, sir?

(WW)  I’m doing the best I can, but I think I am wedged in too tightly. For the love of God, they are even taking the Bud Light Cheladas. Cases of them. It has Clamato in it. Has the world gone mad?

(DC911)  Please remain calm, sir. Officers are en route.

(WW)  I . . . I think I’m going to pass out. Tell my wife I love her.

[End of call.]

Police arrived at the site minutes later, but found that they could not gain access to the store in their vehicles due to the heavy traffic. Attempts were made to reach the front door on foot, but after three officers were taken out in the parking lot by children swinging boogie boards and swim noodles it was decided to call in a helicopter.

The chopper was landed on the roof of the supermarket, the roof was breached, and a line was dropped to the barely conscious Mr. Wescott. He was lifted out of the crush of shopping carts and airlifted to the Outer Banks Hospital on the other end of the parking lot. A full recovery is expected.

A spokesperson for the Nags Head Police Department later released a statement: “This underlines our frequent reminders to the locals to avoid grocery shopping on turnover days. Even strong shoppers can be swept up in the crush of arriving visitors and never seen again. Remember, when the red ‘No Shopping’ flags are out, just stay home, and always be aware of the yellow warning flags in front of known tourist currents.”

Yesterday afternoon, Dexter Gillespie and Sherman Anderson were arrested on charges of public mortal combat last Monday after the two came to blows over who could claim a rare Blastoise Pokemon found behind Jockey’s Ridge in Nags Head. Nags Head Police arrived on the scene to find the men sprawled in the sand, exhausted, after their seven second slugfest.

Incidents of Pokemon Go players duking it out over difficult-to-find Pokemon characters like Aerodactyl and Snorlax have increased 100% since the release of the popular game. Nags Head Police spokesman Uma Thuman said that the violence has stretched their department’s resources to capacity.

“We get a crazy number of calls about these Nerd Rage incidents. These guys fight in beach accesses, people’s yards, and in the waiting area of local restaurants. They fall out and become a hazard to pedestrian and vehicular traffic, so our officers have to deal with them. The Chief has asked me to relay that, contrary to rumors, there is NOT a Ditto Pokemon in his office.”

Local Doctor Expresses Concern

Dr. L. McCoy has been a pediatrician for 20 years. He has seen fads come and go that have posed a risk to his patients (he cites “Heely’s” and “Crocs” as two of the more harmful in recent memory) but Pokemon Go has reached new levels of danger.

“Look, for the last 6 or 7 years these kids have been sitting in a basement playing World of Warcraft or Call of Duty. Their fingers are in great shape. The rest of them, not so much. Suddenly, they’re out running around looking for digital creatures in every imaginable nook and cranny and they are simply not up to the task physically.”

Meniscus tears, dislocated shoulders and Achilles injuries now pile up in Dr. McCoy’s waiting room on a daily basis. He says parents should encourage their kids to start slow with physical activity, perhaps climbing the stairs or cleaning their rooms, before playing Pokemon Go.

“Those kids on Jockey’s Ridge yesterday, I’m amazed they made it to the top,” said Dr. McCoy. “Besides having a criminal record, I’d bet they are recovering from a nasty case of sunstroke.”

The owner of the popular Outer Banks snack shop “Got Your Nuts”, Charles Xavier (no relation), has seen his 25 year battle for justice end in a 4-4 decision at the United States Supreme Court. This means the 4th Circuit Court’s decision against Nags Head resident Charles Xavier (no relation) will stand and Xavier’s crusade against the OBX brand has come to an end.

“I have no words,” Xavier said in a press conference held Thursday from his carport. “Well, I do have words, obviously, I am using them. But I don’t understand the Court’s decision. It’s judicial inactivisim and it’s just wrong.”

Xavier’s fight began in 1991 shortly after  Kurt Douglas (no relation) launched the soon-to-be-iconic “OBX” logo that has become a staple of Outer Banks’ merchandise everywhere. Xavier took exception to the “X” in “OBX” claiming in a pro se lawsuit that the “X” was a violation of his 1st, 2nd, 21st and 28th Amendment rights.

Xavier argument is familiar to judges from the Albemarle Sound to the Potomac.  “What’s the ‘X’ for? It doesn’t make any sense. There’s no “X” anywhere in the words ‘Outer Banks’. It stand for nothing and everyone knows if you stand for nothing you fall for anything.”

In an unusual split across political lines, Justices Thomas, Roberts, Kagan and Ginsburg and all voted to retain the “X” while Justices Alito, Sotomayor, Kennedy and Breyer voted to have it removed. Breaking with his traditional vow of silence, Justice Thomas remarked during oral arguments that based on his understanding of the goings-on during the summer on the Outer Banks, an “X” rating was appropriate while Justice Sotomayor said that she had actually visited the Outer Banks and found it to have a “family friendly” atmosphere to which an “X” rating did not apply.

Kim Kardashian (no relation) the manager at Xavier’s “Got Your Nuts” store said that her boss will likely drown his sorrows in bourbon and then get back to work. She indicated the store has no intention of altering its own merchandising to incorporate the “OBX” moniker and will continue to sell only OBGYN t-shirts and bumper stickers to patrons.

“If you want any of that OBX crap, go to Wings,” Kardashian said.

Frisco – A father from Ohio was surprised recently when his family enjoyed a day at the beach. His 16 year old daughter Sarah’s bathing suit had some how changed from when they bought it. He was not pleased with the amount of coverage. “Maybe it shrank in the dryer,” he thought to himself.

He had been proud of his fatherly abilities the day they purchased it at the mall. He normally left the shopping up to his wife Anna, but she had a dentist appointment that day. Being the responsible good father that he was, he took Sarah to get some Summer beach wear. Not being a fan of his daughter being almost naked in public he told her firmly that she would not be getting one of those “revealing” bikinis. She showed him one, and they agreed it was modest, so he purchased it.

Now his wife is giving him a look. A look that says, “You bought her that?”

“Either she is wearing it differently, or she exchanged it for a different one with out me noticing,” he finally concluded. Upon realizing he had been outwitted by his teenage daughter he was struct with the thought that the only thing worse would be to admit it. In a stroke of fatherly brilliance he looked back at his wife and gave her the, “yeah I bought that for her, and I’m okay with it look.”