Author: Goatman

Kitty Hawk – A.J. Sutton is not just your average paddle boarder, he’s also a great guy. When he isn’t rescuing kittens for Feline Hope, or helping senior citizens work on puzzles at Spring Arbor, he’s catching some waves at the local break.

“You know surfing is where I find my me,” A.J. reflected, “A few hours out on the waves, and I’m recharged.”

Don’t take our word for it. Here are some locals who were willing to express their thoughts about A.J.

“A.J. is the best,” said Courtney Miranda, a volunteer coordinator for the Special Olympics, “He is always available and so good with the athletes.”

Rebecca Perndergast of Southern Shores told us, “One time my car is broken down, and I am going to be late to my granddaughter’s dance recital in Elizabeth City. A.J. pulled over to help, and insisted he drive me to the recital. He called his friend and had my car towed to a shop, and we both enjoyed the recital. I have pictures of him with my granddaughter.”

“I see him down on the beach picking up trash after he meditates,” lifeguard Debbie Johnson told us, “He always smiles and has time to chat about the weather or surf. I haven’t worked up the nerve to ask if he is single.”

“Dude rides a SUP to surf,” a local surfer said, “What a kook.”

 

Manteo – After a harrowing three-year expedition, Phil Amadas and Art Barlowe have successfully scouted out the long-rumored Western Passage on Roanoke Island. For decades, there have been legends of a western route on the island that completely avoided the busy Highway 64/264. After disappointing months poking down leads on Airport Road in search of this holy grail of traffic avoidance the pair was ready to give up, when they heard a rumor that renewed their hopes.

“One night at Poor Richard’s–it was trivia night, which I always win, by the way–an old wino told us about a trail beginning on Etheridge Road. He told us that if we journeyed until we saw the UPS terminal, we would find the breakthrough we had been looking for,” explained Amadas.

Barlowe added, “Of course, everybody knows about the Eastern Passage down Wingina from Mother Vineyard to Budleigh, then the jog over to Uppowoc behind COA over to 64. That route was discovered around 1953 by locals leaving The Lost Colony. It is a great way to avoid the traffic snarls on the highway, but mankind has longed for another detour to the west of the highway.”

And now they have it. When asked about the grueling journey, Amadas stated, “Well, we took the old wino’s hint and turned left on Driftwood down near the Maola plant. It seemed to wind around to nowhere, but we finally realized that we had made it to the prison and the SPCA. We kept going until we saw the highway up ahead once again. At that point we almost despaired of staying off the main drag.”

“Yes,” continued Barlowe, “But when we were at our lowest point, dehydrated and considering just running over to Hatchell’s for a Mountain Dew, some natives from Goat Town found us and led us to their homes. We stayed with them for several months, regaining our strength and trying to find the will to continue.”

And continue they did. Reaching Burnside, the pair explored leads off the confusingly curvy road, spending several weeks wandering bewildered in the wilds of Roanoak Village. Barlowe offers, “The roads there all seem to go in circles or to lead to dead ends. Whatever demon drew us into that subdivision certainly meant to lead us to perdition. Even the spelling is confounding.”

“But we finally escaped the Roanok doldrums, made it back to Burnside, and eventually discovered the settlement of Good Luck. When we later saw the great roundabout we were terrified. Why would a road intentionally go in a circle? And there was an icon of the local god in the middle, a vengeful deity holding a huge paddle. We camped there for three nights, then moved on with haste,” stated Amadas.

Eventually, the pair muscled through past landfills and water treatment plants to discover that they were on Bowsertown Road. Soon, the aroma of espresso and blueberry muffins reached their noses, and they stumbled, spent yet rejoicing, into the coffee shop on the highway. They had made it!

“Next, we will find a path that connects all the way down to the Midway Intersection,” insisted Barlowe. “As long as there are rainy day tourists, there will be a need for a bypass. Not like the one on the beach, though. God forbid!”

Citing research that shows a dramatic change in wave action along the North Carolina coast, the NC Division of Marine Fisheries has implemented a limit of three waves per surfer per day along the entire Outer Banks Coastline. The limit was made retroactive to July 1st. The status of the new regulations will be reevaluated after a period of three months.

“Our studies have shown that the intense amount of wave carving in the past year has dramatically impacted the height and quality of waves along the East Coast,” said Skipper Ascot, head of the Division’s section on Regulations and Ruination. “We’re seeing too many ankle breakers and very few of the heavies that most surfers enjoy.”

The new rules have sparked outrage across all demographics in the Outer Banks surfing community. A recent OBX Report poll showed a 98% of respondents were “totally not in favor” or “completely splenetic” over the new rules (the 2% in favor appeared to be posers, barnies and shubies.)

“Dude, I’m so like…Dude…I can’t even. Bogus.” said local surf hero Balboa Ryder.

Surfers will be allowed three waves from sunrise to sunset and the new regulations include a ban on all night surfing. A wave ride will be considered complete once the surfer mounts his or her board. Bailing midway through a ride will not entitle the surfer to another wave. The Division will fine violators $500.00 for every wave ridden in excess of the limit and the individual’s leash will be confiscated.

Separate regulations are being drafted for boogieboarders and will be announced at the end of this month.

The regulation’s impact will stretch deep into the surfing community. Glenn Raul, owner of The Pendulum Surf Shop said the new rules have come at the worst time. “Right in the middle of summer. I might as well close up shop and hang a ‘Gone Fishing’ sign on the door.”

“Good luck with that,” said charter boat captain Pyke Ferret. “And welcome to the club.”

Rodanthe – Watson Jefferson Jr. disappointed his entire family yesterday by wearing socks with his sandals to the beach. Early reports are saying that his daughter swore to God, and his wife quote “SMH.”

“What they are comfortable,” he defended himself to his family, “besides they keep your feet from getting burned, and you never know what you might step on as you put your feet in the ocean as you venture no deeper than your knees into it.”

“You look like a fool,” said his brother, Jeffery, as he adjusted his confederate flag bathing suit.

A local lifeguard, who wishes to remain unnamed, wondered why no one said anything about his jorts.

One of the Outer Bank’s most prominent musical groups, Too Drunk to Fail, has announced that they will continue to cover Aerosmith’s “Dude Looks Like a Lady” and the Kink’s “Lola” despite the songs being banned in March of this year with the passage of HB 2. The bill requires bathroom patrons use the bathroom corresponding with their birth gender and outlaws the public performance of songs which “encourage, celebrate or confuse lawmakers” about transgender identity issues.

“We’re paid up with ASCAP, SESAC and BMI so we’ll cover any damn song we want,” said the band’s lead singer and triangle player Lana Martini.

Other local groups have had mixed reactions to the musical ban. Luz Cassettes, Vulcan lute player for Island Keys noted that “nobody has requested those songs since the 90’s” so he didn’t see where there would be much of a conflict.

Celebrity transgender persons have weighed in on the debate from afar and have presented conflicting positions. Caitlyn Jenner given the law a “3B” rating: “bigoted, backwards and belittling” while Chaz Bono has embraced the ban.

“Do you know how many times people hum those songs or play them around me and think they are being funny?” Bono said. “Good riddance.”

In related news, Schoolhouse Rock has agreed to stop broadcasting its latest educational piece “I’m just a Bill (Except When I’m Jill)” on PBS stations in North Carolina until the Supreme Court weighs in on the constitutionality of HB 2 and the ban on transgender-themed music.

Corolla – Veteran Weather Channel Report James “Jim” Cantore was attacked by wild horses while filming his new special “Tidal Waves and You.” The program examines the cataclysmic effect a tsunami would have on the east coast, an event which Cantore has repeatedly said is about 300 years overdue.

“We had the shot set up with the wild horses in the background to emphasize the point that animals are able to predict natural disasters,” said Weather Channel producer Steven Lucas.

“Jim was studying his lines before we started shooting when all of the sudden the horses just charged him!”

Key grip operator Ron Cameron said he was barely able to escape with his life.

“I saw them horses charge and I just yelled to Jim and then I dropped the key grip and was out of there. When I looked back I…I just couldn’t believe it. Even Jim’s giant arm muscles weren’t able to save him.”

Several other production crew members tried to warn Cantore, but he was apparently “in character” as the unflappable weather personality famous for braving hurricanes and tornados and refused to take sensible precautions. Cantore suffered multiple trampling-related injuries and was airlifted to Sentara Norfolk . He is expected to make a full recovery. Fortunately, no horses were injured during the trampling.

Wild Horse tour operator Jay Probst said that such attacks on celebrities are rare, however they are not without precedent. In 2004 wild horses trampled Andrew Dice Clay while the comedian was relieving himself in the ocean. In 1996 a pair of horses mauled actor Mel Gibson. Probst noted that the attack on Gibson happened “before (Gibson) was widely recognized as an asshat” but that, just as they are reliable barometers of inclement weather, the horses have a good sense about people.

“Don’t want to drive away business,” Probst said. “But if you are Kanye West, I wouldn’t come to Corolla anytime soon.”

North End, Manteo – The thirteenth 3DWI5K bicycle race was held on Roanoke Island last weekend. The annual event is an opportunity for gentlemen of a certain age whose transportation options are limited to bicycling to engage in some healthy exercise and friendly competition.

Deebra Fitzclabber, cofounder of the event explained, “So often, the alcoholic lifestyle offers few opportunities for physical fitness, other than elbow curls, if you know what I mean. A little sunshine and a little exertion does wonders for these guys.”

Dirk Buddenburps, Deebra’s partner, continued, “We used to notice a lot of older gentlemen, often bearded, riding bikes up and down the beach road, sometimes on little girls’ bicycles or rental bikes. It seemed strange to us until we spoke to a few and realized that bicycling for these men was not a lifestyle choice but a requirement due to driver’s license revocation from three or more DWI’s.”

“Yes, so we figured, why not use the fitness equipment that these men already have and give them an incentive to get in better shape?” stated Ms. Fitzclabber. “We put up fliers for the first 3DWI5K bicycle race in local watering holes, and three contestants showed up for the first event.”

Each year, the race has grown. This year, thirty-two bicycle racers were present at the 2:30 p.m. start of the race. After attempting to hold the event at various spots on the beach, seven years ago it was moved to Roanoke Island.

“We realized that, considering the erratic riding patterns of many of our contestants, Pear Pad Road on the Fort Raleigh property offered the safest paved surface to meet the unique needs of our racers. There is almost no traffic, and the shoulders are grassy for when they finally tip over,” explained Mr. Buddenburps.

When it was pointed out that Pear Pad Road is not five kilometers long, Ms. Fitzclabber responded, “Oh, sure. But nobody has ever made it even one kilometer so far. We just like the way 5K sounds. Most of them are already drunk when they start the race, and it doesn’t take them long to give out.”

“There is the added bonus that we are able to reclaim the bikes after the racers pass out and return them to their rightful owners whenever possible. Plus, we don’t ever have to offer any real prizes, because most of the men won’t remember the race tomorrow,” said Mr. Buddenburps. “It is a very inexpensive event to put on.

“Oops! There goes the first one,” sighed Ms. Fitzclabber as a contestant ran off the road fifteen feet past the starting line. Mr. Buddenburps smiled sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders.

Kill Devil Hills, NC

NSP Employees Stunned

National Park Service employees reporting to work Monday were shocked to discover the beloved Wright Brother’s Monument had been stolen. Dedicated in 1932, the Wright Brothers Monument has been a fixture on the Outer Banks and a popular destination for school groups. The 60 foot granite structure commemorates the first heavier-than-air powered flight in 1903 by Orville and Wilbur Wright, a couple of mechanically inclined tourists from Ohio.

 

Ranger Rikk with the Park Service told OBX Report in an exclusive interview that Park Service employees had left the Monument unlocked Sunday evening. Thieves were able to enter the Memorial and easily unhook the tie-downs holding the monument in place. They then used a crane to lift the Memorial onto the back of a pickup. Ranger Rikk speculated the truck was a Ford 250 or 350 as there was “no way” a Chevy could possibly move that sort of payload.

 

Photo Released

A neighbor’s personal security system captured a portion of daring heist and the NPS released a still from the video. In the picture, thieves have already attached the Wright Memorial to a crane and are preparing to move it to the pickup. Unfortunately, due to distance and poor lighting, details of the culprits are impossible to make out. It appears five individuals were involved in the theft including a man serving as a lookout who appeared to be wearing a pelican suit.

 

KDH Residents Shocked

“Flabbergasted,” “Nonplussed,” “Mystified,” “Gobsmacked.” These and several other reactions unfit to print were how residents of Kill Devil Hills reacted to the news of the stolen Monument.

“I saw it was missing this morning and I just figured they’d moved it back a bit like they done the Hatteras lighthouse a few years ago ‘cause of the beach erosion,” said Melvin Fussell who owns a home directly across from the Wright Memorial. “To think somebody took her…I just hope they ain’t doin’ it for scrap. That’d be a waste.”

According to Wilma Persimmons, a You-Tube educated naturalist studying the indigenous deer population living in the area of the Memorial, the loss of the Monument will have a significant impact on wildlife in the area.

“The Memorial has become an important navigational beacon for the native deer herd migrating between here and Florida. Now I’m worried the deer will get lost and just keep on going north until they get to the Washington Monument. It’s a little outside my area of expertise but I expect this will also have an impact on our Purple Martin community as well as Cessna operators.”

 

Impact on Tourism Still Being Calculated

Visitor reactions have ranged from “At least they didn’t take one of the lighthouses” to “Thanks Obama.”

A very despondent Norbert Hunsucker was photographed sitting in front of the now-empty plaza where the Wright Memorial once stood.

“He’s been like that for hours,” his mother, Madeline Hunsucker said, assuring us that Norbert’s visit to the Memorial was entirely voluntary and he was not part of any school group. “The whole way from Pennsylvania he talked about how excited he was to see the Monument in person. Now…maybe they have a scale model or something in the gift shop.”

Young Hunsucker’s photo has been shared over 16 times, principally by Hunsucker’s family, and is on the verge of going viral.  

 

Colington – The world record for the most Driving While Impaired charges has been reclaimed by Colingtonian Lewis “DUI Louie” Twilette. On Tuesday, the International Olympic Committee declared invalid seven of the last eight arrests of Russian DWI leader Ivan P’Yanyy-Zhopa. IOC investigators have evidence that the Russian’s high Breathalyzer results were due to blood doping. Mr. P’Yanyy-Zhopa was allegedly using a 100 proof Smirnoff IV drip to maintain a consistent blood-alcohol level in advance of his arrests. P’Yanyy-Zhopa and Twilette were expected to compete head-to- head later this summer during the Rio Olympics, but it is not clear at this point if the IOC will allow Mr. P’yayy-Zhopa to participate in this year’s games.

Mr. Twilette came to the attention of the world DWI community in 2011 when he accomplished the exceedingly difficult Quintuple Drunken Lutz, with arrests in the counties of Dare, Hyde, Pasquotank, Tyrrell and Currituck all within a 24-hour period. Since then, he has gone on to record an average of 30 DWI charges per year, including a high of 39 in 2014.

The sanctions against his Russian counterpart leaves Mr. Twilette atop the field of DWI competitors in overall driver’s license points and moves Asmundur Coddsakgrabver of Iceland into second.

Speaking on behalf of his client, attorney/spokesman Phillip O’Conner stated that, afterhe regains consciousness, “DUI Louie” will be thrilled to learn he is once again the Drunk Driving World Champion. Additionally, Mr. O’Conner fully expects his client to set a new DWI World Record during the Rio Olympics. Mr. O’Conner stated Mr. Twilette is not deterred by the threat of the Zika virus as his permanently elevated blood alcohol level has already proven inhospitable to rabies, smallpox and influenza.

Buxton – The park service announced a new solution to the prickly beach driving issue. Instead of watching a video and paying $100 to drive on the beach. Now people can strap into the new beach driving simulator.

Enjoy driving your computer generated truck with your simulated family on pristine beaches. You don’t have to worry about getting your 4×4 dirty.

“I think we have found a happy medium,” said Defender of Wildlife spokesperson Lauren Stalls said.” This allows the birds to have the beach to themselves like it should be, and those beach drivers can pretend to destroy their habitat.”

“It was pretty neat, but it is hard to drink a beer with this headset on,” said test driver Gary Stevenson.

The program is still in testing, but the park service hopes to roll it out this Fall.