Author: Goatman

Phil Holt, a Kitty Hawk resident was taking his usual morning beach jog, heading north of the Hilton Garden Inn. What happened next sounds like a vivid dream, or perhaps a hallucination. But Holt insists it was real.

“I was having a really good run and decided to push further north than usual. Suddenly I was shrouded in an incredibly dense fog; the kind you might see on an episode of ‘Sleepy Hollow’ or one of those GOP presidential debates last winter.”

Holt said when he emerged from the fog bank he found himself on a pristine beach occupied by a mere handful of beachgoers.

“There were beautiful oceanfront homes, dolphins frolicking in the water and not a single kid in sight. Wild unicorns roamed the beach and seagulls were swaddled in diapers. The scent of collagen mingled with suntan lotion.”

Holt said he spied a small gathering of four elderly people and as he approached he could hear them in engaged in animated discourse.

“I’m telling you, the quality of The Club’s food has declined,” said one lady who appeared to be in her seventies and sporting a tennis visor.

“I know,” said a man who appeared to be her husband, wearing an ensemble that included a knit Polo shirt, Bermuda shorts, held up by a belt decorated with gamefish and sailboats. On his feet were beach sandals with black socks.

“Who pairs squab with Pinot Grigio? Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows squab demands an earthy Burgundy,” he sniffed. “Next thing you know they’ll start serving grits without shrimp and unpronounceable cheeses folded in.”

A third member of the group, a timid looking male warned the others in sotto voce, “Be careful. People have been ‘disappeared’ for criticizing The Club.”

Holt said he approached the group, complimented them on their unspoiled and virtually empty strand of beach, and then innocently asked “What is this place?”

The gentleman who had been ranting about the squab narrowed his eyes, according to Holt, and demanded to know “who I was, how I got there, and whether I thought the C-Class Mercedes line was diluting the brand.”

One of the ladies whipped a cell phone from her purse and said she was calling the police.

Alarmed, Holt ran back in the direction he came from, re-entered the fog bank and emerged a few seconds later right in front of the Hilton Gardens.

After dinner, Holt got into his car and drove north on Highway 12, through the town of Southern Shores looking for signs of the magical beach.

“I didn’t see one public beach access. Not one. I looked for hours, but near as I could tell, there is no beach north of Kitty Hawk.

Holt has tried to replicate his beach jog but has been unable to relocate the fog bank.

“I’ll keep trying,” he promised. “You can’t keep a beach hidden from the public forever.”

Hyde County – Davey Jones, spokesman for the Hyde County Board of Commissioners, surprised county residents with news of the pending sale of Ocracoke Island to famed television personality Oprah Winfrey.

“Once finalized, Miss Winfrey will become the sole owner and operator of Ocracoke,” said Jones. “We are not sure what her plans are in regards to ferry tolls.”

The OBX Report reached out to Harpo Productions, Winfrey’s multimedia production company for further comment. Mr. Perple, a representative of the acquisitions branch of the company, confirmed the purchase and said, “Miss Winfrey’s plans for the island are still under development. However, as is her custom when taking over a new property, there will be significant rebranding. The island will be renamed “Opracoke” and the annual fig festival will be replaced with a Chicago Deep Dish Pizza event.”

Ocracoke residents had mixed feeling about their new landlord.

“I love me some Oprah. Been peddling this dern Huffy for 25 years. Maybe she’ll give us all new cars. Or golf carts,” said Mrs. Mary Killigrew, an Ocracoke resident since 1971. “

Mr. Robert Culliford, a lifetime resident of Ocracoke, disagreed. “If it ain’t tradition, it ain’t Ocracoke.

We don’t need no Yankee carpretbagger coming in here and tellin’ us how to run things.”

Sale of the island must ultimately be approved by the General Assembly and Governor McCrory, but little if any opposition to the plan is expected. Governor McCrory hinted at a recent press conference that he’d be willing to throw in Jennette’s Pier as part of the deal for a reasonable price.

Kitty Hawk – Walt Glod, a visitor from upstate New York, had to give his family some bad news today. Apparently the fireworks he procured in Pennsylvania are illegal to use on the Outer Banks.

“Sorry team,” He said to a disappointed family, “They are not allowed down here, we can’t use them.”

“But Dad, everyone else is using them,” His daughter Allison replied.

“Don’t worry sweetie,” I’m sure the police are writing tickets to punish all those people breaking the law. I mean they wouldn’t just make a comically unenforceable law that they expect no one to follow, and then waste time and money to put it on signs and websites.”

“But I wanted to make things go boom,” Johnathan his 6 year old cried.

“Cheer up buddy, we still have sparklers,” was Mr. Glod’s poorly received answer.

“Honey I’m sure they just have to say it for insurance reasons or something,” His wife, Jeanne said, trying to change his mind.

“The law is the law, and we will not raise our children to break it just because they want to have fun. We love coming down here in the Summer and we should respect the rules of the place,” He said firmly. He elaborated, “Renting a house down here for one week does not allow us to make up our own rules. What kind of people would that make us, if we just came down here and did whatever we wanted?”

By this point the family had gone back to whatever they were doing before he started talking, but he decided he could convince them if he just kept talking.

“Look here I am on the Outer Banks website. It says right here. ‘Dare County prohibits the possession of any pyrotechnics which launch or propel into the air, or which explode making a sound or report, or do anything which could in anyway be considered fun by anyone launching or watching them. Sparklers, fountains and ground displays are allowed in some towns that have a sick sense of humor, but other towns ban them all outright.’ See I told you. No one else will be shooting off any of these cool kind of fireworks on the 4th. Just you wait and see.”

Northern Beaches, OBX – As he has done every July 4th for the past seventeen years, Mr. Beebles, the Seagull Clown, will be bringing his family-friendly brand of joy to children and adults alike on the northern beaches of the Outer Banks. Beginning on the first day of July and ending on the 5th, Mr. Beebles will be travelling up and down the beach from Southern Shores to South Nags Head, delighting seagulls and the people who love them.

“I love to bring people joy,” said Mr. Beebles, “Because joy makes people happy.” And what joy he does bring. As he walks up and down the beach each day wearing his colorful clown costume, he tosses kernels of popcorn into the air for the multitude of seagulls that circle in the sky above him.

“Mommy, Mommy, the birdies!” shouts one young boy as he runs about under the hundreds of excited seagulls wheeling above, raucously vocalizing their desire for popcorn and good old American fun on the beach. His mother glances up nervously, covering their sandwiches with a beach towel.

A couple of local surfers leave the beach with sour faces when they see Mr. Beebles approaching with his avian nimbus, but who needs spoilsports when they can share in the pure happiness of children’s laughter?

This year, thanks to the generous sponsorship of Frito-Lay, Mr. Beebles will be trading in his popcorn for a variety of delicious Frito-Lay products, including Frito-Lay brand Fritos Original Corn Chips in Original flavor, tangy Bar-B-Q, and Chili-Cheese for a south-of-the-border sensation.

As the airborne cuties process the corn chips, there is of course some unavoidable fallout, especially with the Chili-Cheese flavor, but Mr. Beebles isn’t discouraged by the white splotches which eventually cover his gaily-colored costume: “The gulls share with me, and I share with the people of the great state of North Carolina and the County of Dare.”

He adds, “Into each life some rain must fall, and the more it happens, the faster you get used to it.” Mr. Beebles’s appearance this year is also sponsored by the North Carolina General Assembly.

Nags Head – Town officials announced a two-pronged approach to combat the rapidly exploding coyote problem there.

Sightings have increased and residents have blamed the coyotes for a sudden increase in reports of missing cats, dogs and even spouses.

Sue Phelps, who lives in the Southridge subdivision said she had seen coyotes in the neighborhood and around Jockey’s Ridge, which the neighborhood borders.

Last Friday she said her husband, Tim, was going to walk over to the C-store across the street from the post office to get some cigarettes. He never returned and Phelps suspects coyotes were responsible.

Town Manager Cliff Oddturn said town staff had been researching the problem for weeks when they finally hit upon a solution.

“One of our younger staff was doing some “deep internet” research on the coyote problem, using a website called Wikipedia,” he said.

The staffer found a link there to numerous documentaries where the young staffer found literally hundreds of examples of a one-two punch guaranteed to eliminate coyotes.

After viewing the videos, Oddturn immediately contacted Acme Industries and, with the consent of the Board of Commissioners, offered significant tax breaks if the company opened a store in the location recently vacated by Outer Banks Furniture.

The town manager also arranged for the purchase of 1,000 roadrunners from Texas.

Oddturn continued, “In spite of their poor performance and safety record, the documentaries clearly reveal that coyotes use Acme products exclusively in vain attempts to gain an edge on their favorite prey, roadrunners.”

“In almost every instance we saw where a coyote used an Acme product to catch a roadrunner, the coyote either died or was seriously maimed in the attempt, “he concluded.

Acme spokesperson Wiley Carson was sure the new plan will work.

“We plan to offer our coyote customers a locals discount, easy payment plans, and one BOGO special each week,” he told us.

Carson had even better news for Nags Head residents, “Our products are even more prone to failure in the 21 st century. The products seen by the town staff in those documentaries were made in the U.S. during the 1960’s. Since then we’ve outsourced our manufacturing to China, so quality control went right out the window along with our employees jobs.”

Carson said the first item offered for discount will be a rocket powered unicycle with free goggles.

Oddturn warned Nags Head residents to avoid stopping to look at random piles of birdseed appearing on roadways and warned drivers to “avoid tunnels that appear to enter into the side of a mountain” as these are common tricks used by coyotes to trap roadrunners.

“Locals know we don’t have tunnels or mountains, but our visitors may not be aware of that particular aspect of our geography,” he said.

Mainland Dare County – The Taylor family from Greenbowl, Arkansas had driven fifteen hours straight on their first vacation to the Outer Banks of North Carolina when they stopped to ask for directions in Nags Head from a group of local teenagers.

“The Atlantic Ocean? Sure, it’s around here somewhere,” answered one boy, dressed in surf shorts and an ironic PBR shirt.

“Yeah, I think it is back that way,” continued a faux hippie-chick wearing mass-produced hippie-chick clothing and pointing west across the sound.

A third young man, incongruously attired in a pink button-down shirt and neon green bicycle shorts, gave the directions with a smirk: “Go back across the bridge to Manteo, then turn right and continue until you cross another bridge. On the other side, turn right on Mashoes Road, and just keep going until you see the ocean.”

Upon following the directions, the Taylors were initially confused, finding no ocean, but after pulling the car over and wading through a half-mile of marsh grass and mud, they found a stretch of open water large enough to play in.

“This wasn’t exactly what I was expecting, But the kids loved it!” said Mrs. Taylor with an optimistic smile on her face.

Mr. Taylor added, “Yeah, there were a lot fewer waves and a lot more mud than I had heard about, but we had the same experience in Myrtle Beach last year. Things aren’t always what the ads make them seem, and at least we didn’t have to sit through a two-hour sales pitch for a timeshare to enjoy the ocean here.”

Little Johnny Taylor listlessly poked a cottonmouth snake with a stick, and baby Shelby just sat in the murky water and cried, “Mommy, it smells bad. I want to go home now.”

“That’s salt air, honey. It’s good for you,” answered Ms. Taylor with a hopeful smile.

Leaving their beach adventure for the hotel, the family asked for directions in Manteo and received detailed help from a group of five boys dressed in a various combinations of camo and Grundens. The Taylors eventually found a Holiday Inn in Plymouth.

Nags Head – A German Shepherd named Atlas was issued a citation today for playing frisbee off leash. Before the officer showed up, Atlas was entertaining the other beach goers with his high flying, frisbee catching antics.

“His best move is where he jumps over a wave and catches the disc at the same time!” said excited teenager Wanda Dohnegy. “I got like fifty likes on my Insta video of him doing it, fifteen retweets on Twitter, and two of my friends replayed my snaps of it. The numbers are still going up, but I can’t check because some little kid took my phone and threw it in the ocean.

“The law says dogs must be on leash at all times, and I don’t mean just a leash attached to him as he runs around. Someone has to be holding it,” said KDH Officer Killbhuz as nearby an unruly five year old dumped his plastic bucket filled with sand in the neighboring families beach bag.

“I knew the rule, but I thought it wasn’t a big deal,” says Atlas’s owner Stephanie Holderson, “He just loves playing disc so much, and he never bothers anyone. He runs to get it, then brings it straight back. Two hundred and fifty bucks is a lot of cash for a dog ticket. I see people down here with their dogs off leash at all times.”

“We have laws for a reason,” the officer started then paused to wait for the child to stop spraying him in the crotch with a squirt gun, “there are people down here trying to have a nice day at the beach, and we can’t have your mutt running around messing that up.”

“I didn’t want to call the cops,” said lifeguard Tammy Whitaker, “but we have to if someone complains. I’m not supposed to tell who complained, but in this case I will make an exception.” She pointed to a sunburned, sleeping lady who was surrounded by Bud Light Lime cans. At that moment the rowdy child ran over to her, opened her cooler, and proceeded to drink half of a 2-liter of Mountain Dew before defecating on beach towel of the family who had just gone for a swim.

There has been some confusion about the beach dog laws, so here is the rule. In Kill Devil Hills it is prohibited to take your dog to the beach between the days of the year where you want to stay on the beach for a while, during the hours where you want to go to the beach.  At this time there are no leash laws or time restrictions on children on the beach, though it asked, but not illegal if you don’t, to clean up after your child pulls down their swim diaper and dookies all over the boardwalk.

Kill Devil Hills – To the astonishment of locals and town staff alike, a shower head at a beach access has yet to be removed. As July nears the town doesn’t want to jinx it, so we are leaving the access unnamed.

Town maintenance worker, Jason Whidbee, said, “Usually we have to go replace these things every couple days. Some people steal them for their outside showers, others just like the feeling of the solid stream of water so they take the head off and chuck it into the bushes. I have never seen one last this long.” He knocked on the wooden post holding up the shower and smiled.

“Shower heads account for about 10% of our town budget,” said mayor Sharron Knight, “not because they are expensive but because people steal them so regularly. If this keeps up we will have a budget surplus.”

A economist from E.C.U. who is doing research on the local economy pointed to this as a sign that the Outer Banks has officially exited the great recession. “This is a great example of the bifurcation of the housing market in this area. The locals that can afford the rent down here can buy their own shower heads now, and those that are unable to find housing have to rely on these showers for cleaning themselves after sleeping in their car.”

“Give it time,” said Outer Banks old timer Daniel Midget Baum. “It’s just a slow down. Soon they will start disappearing by the hundreds. Sure as the wind turns after the dragonflies show up, the shower heads will be stolen. It is the way of things here. “

Grandy – Reginald Gary Winston of Currituck was arrested this weekend for making and distributing Dank Memes. The defendant led police on a low speed chase as he tried to escape on the riding lawn mower he uses for transportation. Fortunately he got stuck on a speed bump the trailer park owner had installed because he was sick of having to get the gravel replaced every year from “Jimmy driving like a jackass.” The Sheriff’s department released the following statement.

Dank Memes are a danger to our community. They may seem harmless and funny, but they ruin lives. Today we made a great step to eliminating the threat of Dank Memes in our county. This case was the result of months of work browsing Facebook at the station. This shows that Dank Memes are not just a threat to our children, but also dangerous to our older adults. Facebook reposts are a gateway meme. First people share other people’s funny stuff. After awhile people think, “hey  I could do that.” Next thing you know they are scanning facebook, funnyjunk, ifunny, 9gag, thechive, and imgur looking for anything they can post. They start withdrawing from friends and family, and spend hours upon hours on the dumbest parts of the internet. Why? All just to get fix. They are addicted to likes, and they don’t care who they have to steal from to get that fix.”

The defendant was unrepentant. He waived his right to remain silent and an attorney as he spit an expletive laden rant at the officers:

“I thought this was America! I know my rights! Am I being detained?” He screamed wildly as he was being dragged to the patrol car. If those phrases sound familiar, they are. A side effect of Dank Meme abuse is the inability to harbor or communicate original thoughts. This come from the copying and pasting other people’s things for so long you actually think you came up with it. He eventually regained his ability to speak his own thoughts for a moment and said, “You think this is a  fucking crime? I’m doing a service here. I have over eight thousand followers, and they need to see the jokes other people came up with. Do you think you could copy and paste as quickly as I can? Huh? No way, no fucking way. I even know how to put the photos into MS Paint and write OBX on top of the text. Can you take a blank macro and write someone else’s joke on top of it? I don’t think so pussy. I’m gonna make a meme about you so dank that you wish you were never born!”

The sheriff’s department was not optimistic about his chances of recovery. “We have shut this guy down before, only to find him a few weeks later doing the same shitposting from a different trailer. It is like a game of wack-a-mole. I don’t see him getting cleaned up in the joint. Criminals like this never stop.”

The health department said the trailer will have to be burned to remove the dankness.

Chesapeake – In a bold move, the state of Virginia is moving forward with a new plan to increase the toll for the Chesapeake expressway to $100 per car. No longer satisfied with just taxing people for driving through their state on the way to their vacation destination, Virginia said it just wants to punish those families that choose the Outer Banks over Virginia beach.

“Just because our beaches are more crowded, artificial, shaded by mega hotels, and charge to park, doesn’t mean they are any worse than what North Carolina is offering,” said Governor McAuliffe. “If people are going to drive extra hours past our beaches, we just want to make sure we take as much money out of their pockets as we can first.”

We asked a cross section of people for their reaction.

“I don’t really think it is fair,” said some idiot who doesn’t know how to drive around the toll.

“Gross! Who takes the toll? Then you can’t stop at WaWa,” Said Currituck teenager Wanda Ruffles.

“It’s God damn highway robbery,” said a Corrolla resident who wishes to remain unnamed for some unknown reason. “They said they were going to just leave the toll up until the road was paid for, now they are just using it to rob people who are coming to us. Every dollar they take is one less dollar I can trick the tourist into spending down here!”

“I don’t mind,” Said William Verinkis, a vacationer from Pennsylvania, “I have already committed to spending way more money on this vacation than I budgeted for. It’s nice to go ahead and get that over with on the drive down. Now I don’t have to worry about money until after my vacation.”

When asked why he didn’t consider vacationing in Virginia Beach, New York resident Tom O’Donnell said, “Why would I do that? I could just go to the Jersey Shore and get the same awful experience with half the driving.”

When asked for a comment, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory said he was fine with the decision, but he wished the would increase the toll to $1000 for transgender tourists.