Author: Goatman

Nags Head Causeway – Ryota Tanaka was so excited when he saw an advertisement for Tale of the Whale. Tanaka, a Japanese citizen, loves to eat all sorts of marine mammals like whales, dolphins, and even the occasional manatee, but whale is by far his favorite. You can imagine his horror upon learning they did not have any whale meat on the menu. He was forced to order the dolphin only to find out it was Mahi Mahi. His daughter refused to eat it.

“It really ruined my entire vacation. I looked like a fool,” Ryota said. “I feel like it is false advertising, and I don’t have to take that. I’m going to sue.”

“We tried to explain to him that whales are a protected species and it is illegal to kill them,” a manager at the restaurant commented. “He just kept going on about how it was for science. I was like What’s science got to do with it man? Anyway I comped his meal, and gave them free desert, but he was still being a dick about it, so I asked them to leave. He keeps leaving fake Yelp reviews pretending to be other people who are mad we don’t have whale meat. I don’t think he is going to find a lawyer willing to take his case.”

“Oh I will find a lawyer,” Tanaka said when pressed about the case. “I don’t care if I have to pay for his law school. I have been shamed in front of my family and I must have recompense!”

 

West 3rd St KDH – James and Lenka Hudson are a happy couple this week. On Wednesday they will have been married for exactly one year, leaving two more to go until she can legally leave him while retaining her citizenship.

“It’s been a dream,” James said, “I never thought I could meet someone so perfect for me. She just gets me like no American woman ever could.”

“Yeah, it is great,” Lenka said in a way that you couldn’t tell if it was sarcasm or her accent, “I love taking care of a 27 year old who still watches anime for hours every night.”

“You know,” James said before taking a moment to vape, “Even though I didn’t have a lot of dating experience before Lenka, I can tell she’s the one. Did she tell you how we met? I was riding my moped on the bike path in Duck, and I slowed down to check her out. Instead of recoiling in terror, she asked me for a ride because she was late to her third job at Food Lion.”

“Yes, he saved me that day. Thankfully he had just been fired from his job for drinking beers in the walk in cooler the day before and had the time to take me to work. I still work all three jobs as well as attend classes at C.O.A. I try to stay busy,” Lenka responded.

“You would think she doesn’t like being around here,” James joked and pointed around his Mom’s house where a ferret was playing in an empty case of beer. “She still makes time for me. We have pizza and movie night about three to four nights a week.”

“When am I gonna get some grandkids,” Jame’s mom interjected from her chair in the living room.

“Well it is hard to be intimate when you never leave the house,” James retorted before pointing at her and rolling his eyes. “Besides Lenka wants to wait until she gets her degree from C.O.A. before starting a family.”

“Yes and that will take another two years from today,” Lenka said quickly then looked off into the distance, “two long years.”

 

Kitty Hawk – A couple from Pennsylvania, Larry and Sharron Leviton, have been coming to the Outer Banks in the Summer for twenty years. Much to the amusement of their waiters and bartenders, they like to joke that just about makes them locals. Despite their deep roots on the Outer Banks, the are still vexed by a long standing mystery.

“I’m telling you it is a passing lane. We have been passed in it dozens of times by crazy North Carolina drivers,” Sharron said to her husband.

“No no no, it is there for people crossing the street. When the road is too busy you cross to the center then wait for the other side to be ready. How many times have we seen people do that?” Larry replied.

“You could be right. We have stopped to try to let the people in the center cross a number of times,” she admitted.

“I feel pretty confident about it,” he said as he suddenly decelerated in the fast lane and turned left across three lanes of the bypass into Super Wings.

“Could it be a bike lane? I see a lot of people riding their bikes in it,” Sharron pondered as other cars honked wildly.

“No way, they ride on the side of the road.”

“Why do they do that when there is a perfectly good lane down the middle?”

“People are stupid honey, people are so so stupid.”

 

 

Southern Shores – After a long Winter the citizens of Southern Shores are ready for some Summertime fun! It is time for the 4th Annual Southern Shores Mud Bog and Wet T-Shirt Contest. For the event, the entire 9th hole of Duck Woods Country Club is turned into a mud pit. Stripper poles will be installed on the green. The town invites everyone to have some good family fun. Kids under 8 get their tongue pierced for free. And don’t forget ladies, the winner of the wet t-shirt contest gets a free tattoo! Motorcycle parking is on the practice green, and there will be Winnebago parking on the tennis courts, just past the bathroom trench.

Raleigh – Governor McCrory is back in the news again for another bathroom law. This time instead of going up against a large city he is fighting a quaint little hamlet known as Wanchese. Apparently the village’s no shoes, no shirt, no problem attitude has run afoul with the Governor’s strict sensibilities. He gave a speech to the general assembly this afternoon:

“My fellow lawmakers, we must act and act quickly before this type of behavior spreads to other towns and cities. Just imagine someones bare feet in a bathroom.” The Governor paused to shudder in disgust. “Those feet need to be in shoes. Sandals at the very minimum. Socks are not acceptable!” He shouted, visibly upset. “I have worked hard to show the rest of the nation how North Carolina is a high class forward looking state, but what do you think the other state will say when they hear about this? Will they still look to North Carolina as a forerunner of civilized thinking? Plus the pH in urine is all wrong for your foot skin.”

Our reports show that the Wanchese law is not really a law, but more of an understanding. If you aren’t worried about getting your feet dirty, then who cares. When asked if this is just another instance of the government needlessly regulating people’s lifestyles, we were promptly escorted out of the Tiki Bar.

Kill Devil Hills – Jonathan Watson is almost 100% sure that the Colington intersection traffic light is targeting him. “I get stopped here every time!” He complained loudly to himself in his Ford Taurus. “Everyday God damn day!”

When asked for comment the Town of Kill Devil Hills and the Police Department both had no official comment, but you could tell from the tone of their voices that they were out to get Jonathan.

Colington – A mating pair of geese have decided that they had one too many eggs hatch this year. While not able to pick which of the goslings is their favorite, they decided to put the choice in the hands of the drivers of Colington road.

“I know we can’t keep them all, but I can’t bring myself to kick a couple out of the nest,” said the mother bird.

“This way is more fair,” The father confided. “Some one will be texting, or fiddling with their radio, and boom the choice is made for us. I’m not saying I want my children to die, but if it happens, well that’s natures way of sorting things out.”

Meanwhile the Audubon Society and Defenders of Wildlife have sued Dare County to close the road. They issued a statement saying “The Colington Road Goose is one of the rarest species of Canada geese. They live on a tiny sliver of land, and face the unnecessary perils of being run over by uncaring humans. They deserve more than just the shoulder, they should have both lanes as well.”

 

200 Miles off the coast of Delaware – The famous Great White Shark Mary Lee has announced she will not be inhabiting the waters of North Carolina this year citing the newly passed HB2 legislation for her reason.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love North Carolina, but I am so disappointed with this new law that I will be swimming past NC to spend some time in less prejudiced states like South Carolina and Georgia. I may eat people, but I don’t discriminate, I eat all people equally,” said the 3456 pound predator.

Governor McCrory expressed his regret at the loss of yet another celebrity performer for our state. “When I passed this law I was thinking about protecting children from something even rarer than shark attacks. I had no idea I was putting their Summer vacations in danger. Rest assured, I have my people talking to Mary’s people, and we will have sharks in the water this Summer.”

We asked Dr. Timmoth Abernathy, an expert on Shark behavior, about the likelihood of shark attacks “Last year saw a sharp rise in shark attacks with 8 nonfatal attacks, but considering the millions of people swimming over the course of the Summer that puts your chances of being eaten by a shark as a million times more likely than you child being molested by transsexual person in a public bathroom.”

Opinions are mixed on Mary’s decision. Some support her boycott of what they call a disgraceful law, but others feel she is pushing politics into a place it doesn’t belong. Longtime Outer Banks Tourist James Wartherby Jr. expressed his anger at the shark’s decision, “I can’t believe this I am being discriminated against by this fish for wanting to protect my children. Now she labels me a bigot and refuses to consider eating my family? Who is the hypocrite now, huh Mary?”

Friends of Fins, a shark advocacy group, put out a statement in support of Mary’s decision saying, “We fully support Mary’s decision. We are sorry that North Carolina beach goers will have to swim in sharkless waters, but we would like to remind them that there are lots of other things to be worried about like sting rays, jelly fish, and aggressively sexual porpoises.”

An unnamed mother who admits she is on the fence about the bill told us, “I know the chances of my child being molested by a Trans person in a bathroom or eaten by a shark are astronomically low, but I just feel bad having to make the choice. Why can’t I have both?”

Some locals of the Outer Banks who disagree with the law, but are fans of Mary have pleaded with her on Twitter to reconsider her decision. “You are only punishing your biggest fans! N.C. legislators would never take their shirts off at the beach, much less get in the water.”

When asked The Union of Concerned Aquatic Predators, the equivalent of the U.N. for sharks, fish, and whales, declined to comment.

 

For awhile now one of the turbines on Jennette’s pier has decided to stop caring. The ungrateful turbine is producing no power, and just sitting there freeloading on our tax payer funded pier. You don’t see the other two turbines complaining about having to do their job, but no this lazy guy is going to take a break. What’s the matter? Is your gearbox sore? Or is it because you are protesting for some libtard cause. Let me guess you are sad for all the fish being killed under you, or that there isn’t a transsexual bathroom on the pier.

I told you this would happen. Renewable energy is for beatniks and California liberals. If we had an oil rig out there it would be pumping away. No questions asked! You would have more oil than you know what to do with, and would that rig complain? Hell no, because oil is as American as apple pie. Now I can already hear the millennials, “but what about the poor sea life.” You drive a car don’t you? See you are a hypocrite just like this stupid turbine.

This is a perfect metaphor for the state American is in right now. Two hardworking turbines now have to work overtime to provide for a third turbine who could totally work himself, but is content to take handouts. Thanks Obama.

When asked for comment the other two turbines declined because they were too busy doing their job.