Author: Goatman

North Carolina’s days as the “Tar Heel State” may be coming to an end if petroleum giant ExxonMobile’s plans to introduce sand fracturing, commonly known as “sakking,” are approved by the General Assembly.

That dark colored sand seen while walking along the beach comes primarily from oil that has either escaped naturally from the under the sea floor or is the result of spills and leak from oil tankers. While the stuff is spread over a large area and does not form the unsightly “tar balls” common on the “Gross Coasts” of Louisiana, Florida and Texas, there is still plenty of it along Dare County’s beaches.

In 2015, sensing a sea of profits right under their feet, researchers with ExxonMobile developed sand fracturing as a method to remove oil trapped in beach sand. It is generally considered a safe by people who don’t actually live at the beach. The upsides of sakking are that the process leaves behind pristine beaches, provides much needed energy independence from Canada and creates jobs. The downside is that some of the components needed to create the sakking separation enzyme (E-88) are controversial, none more so than the main ingredient of intraocular fluid from dolphins.

“Intraocular fluid, or as most people would call it ‘eyeball juice’ is vital to the production of E-88, which we use to separate the oil from the sand,” explained ExxonMobile chief vivisectionist, Dr. Harold Shipman. “Fortunately, as dolphins primarily rely on sonar to hunt and mate, they are not terribly inconvenienced by losing their sight. The extraction process is minimally painful.”

Presently sakking is not permitted in North Carolina. The legislature narrowly failed to override Governor Roy Cooper’s veto of a bill that would allow sand fracturing operations to begin this year. Dare County residents are regionally split on the proposal with near universal disapproval south of the Duck/Southern Shores town line and near unanimous approbation in Duck itself.

“I don’t see a problem with it,” said Mrs. Teresa Applemann of the Port Trinitie subdivision in Duck. “Heck, once they do that sonar thing looking for oil offshore there are going to be plenty of dead dolphins floating around in the ocean. Why let them go to waste?”

Matt Stalker with the Nerfherder’s Association has a different, well-reasoned view.

“I can’t believe we’re having this conversation again. E-88 has caused rectal cancer in 78% of lab mice exposed to it. Using it on our beaches would kill our billion-dollar a year tourist industry. Sakking would only provide enough energy to meet this country’s needs for 9 ½ weeks. Meanwhile, you’d have to harvest the eyes of over one million bottlenose dolphins to produce enough E-88 to extract that oil. It would decimate the population leading to a total collapse of the ecosystem within 10 years.”

Dr. Shipman said Mr. Stalker’s statements were based on “fake news” and derided him as an “AOC loving socialist” on Twitter.

“Clearly the public debate is over and, as usual, I have won,” said Dr. Shipman.

Duck NC – In an act of civil disobedience, locals from all over the county of Dare organized to remove the sand paid for with county money from Duck’s beaches. The protest occurred as the result of a local surfer being arrested for checking the waves at an access an oceanfront property owner claimed was private. The issue of Duck and Southern Shores not having public beach access has long been an issue of contention among locals, but the arrest of one of their own for daring to walk out onto the beach sent them over the edge.

Hundreds of locals with beach buckets, 5 gallon buckets, and empty kegs started a fireman line to move the sand. They started at the house of the man who called the police on the surfer.

“If we can’t use the sand we paid for, we are taking it back,” said angry local Jim Baum, “If this guy thinks low class locals will bring down his property value, he should see what high tide will do to it without the sand our taxes paid for.”

“So we are good enough to clean their cottages and serve them food, but we better not dare to go to their beach,” local Sandra Daniels said as she filled a bucket and handed it off to a friend.

“There is no law about digging a hole on the beach or making sand castles,” Kill Devil Hills resident Justin Thomas said, “If anyone asks we are just building a big sand castle in Kitty Hawk. You know the place where locals can go to the beach.”

“I bought a house down here specifically so I could avoid the f*cking dumb-ass riff raff,” said ocean front home owner, Dandy Yankle, “If I wanted my beach covered with beer cans and corn hole I could have stayed in New Jersey. Now these mother effers are stealing my sand from in front of my cottage? I’m gonna call the police and get them all arrested.”

Thankfully for the protesters, the town of Duck and it’s illogical interpretation of laws they realized that the police were also locals and were therefore not allowed to use the beach access either. When asked for comment the town released another public statement similar to the first: “It is embarrassing to admit it, but if we are saying that our beaches are public, yet the public has no way to get to them, which in effect makes them private beaches, but we need to maintain they are public, even though they are de facto private, so we can get that sweet county money, that we will use on public beaches, which only rich cottage owners can use, then we might come across a illogical at best and intentionally hypocritical at worse, but no one can do anything about it, since most of the voters down here are rich transplants who only claim residency here for tax purposes, and agree with keeping the accesses private, because they own houses in HOAs that have an access. If we were going to use eminent domain, it wouldn’t be to make the beach accesses public, it would be to turn DVO into a Lands’ End outlet.”

When the fish aren’t biting there is only one thing to do: drink. At least that is the philosophy of veteran surf fisherman Wally Daniels. He isn’t the top angler on the beach, but he could drink you under the table.

“This is the fourth time we have given Wally a citation for drinking in public,” said park ranger Ricky Stevens, “If he keeps drinking like this he might get the state record.”

His fishing buddies love bringing him along. “When we ain’t catching fish, we gotta have something to keep us busy. That’s where Wally comes in. He gets his drink on, and we get our laugh on. It’s good times.”

“You don’t know whats I’m talking you,” Wally explained, “I been fishing for so, I have been fishing since, you don’t fish, I have fish, well I don’t have fish, but I go fish, you don’t. You trying to fight me goat boy? That’s what I thought.”

“Yeah when he gets like this I prefer him to be on the beach with his idiot friends,” Wally’s wife said, “He has never been able to catch fish, so at least he is good at something, it sure isn’t being a husband.”

Kill Devil Hills – After realizing Hurricane Florence was going to miss the Northern Beaches, residents began an intense hurricane bender. With almost all stores closed and nothing better to do, locals began partying. That was Tuesday. Now it is Friday and even the most devoted ragers are struggling to maintain through the weekend.

The National Hurricane Center is still warning about coastal wind, rain, and flooding, and Dare County is still only letting essential personnel over the bridge since there is still a mandatory evacuation in effect. The Stomach has also issued a mandatory evacuation due to a rising tide of alcohol. The Stomach has not seen levels this high since the bachelor party. The Liver and Kidneys were either too busy to comment or have been incapacitated.

At a local Hurricane party reactions were mixed when we asked if they were going to abide by the evacuation notice.

“I’m not gonna puke,” said a girl who was about to puke.

“What happens at a hurricane party stays at the hurricane… wait I mean I live every party like it’s a hurricane party or something, no wait it’s ain’t no party like a hurricane party cause a hurricane don’t stop, no that’s not it either. I forgot, anyway it doesn’t matter. Hurricane parties are special because you’re making a point. You’re telling that storm it can f off because you have booze,” mused local lifeguard, Jeremy Hardey.

“Mahn I lost my flip flops in the ocean and my phone got all wet, but you know what was already wet? My bottle of Jameson. It was wet on the inside, now I am too, and my pants, they are wet too. Cause I peed myself, just kidding they got wet when I lost my flops peeing in the ocean,” said legendary partier Dusty Hills.

“Listen to my stomach? Since when would I do that,” said local Slob, Mark “the Shart” Flannagan. “If I listened to my stomach would I have eaten the rest of those habenero mango wings the next day after what they did to me the previous night? I’m the boss of the stomach, and he’s not evacuating he is about to hang out with his best friends Jose, Tito,  and The Captain.”

The National Hurricane Center is showing Hurricane Florence bearing down on the Georgia/South Carolina coast, and Outer Bankers couldn’t be more relieved. After years of being the location of landfall, residents are over batting down the hatches and cleaning up flood waters.

“It’s their turn,” said Wade Midgette, “We have got the last 5 or something crazy like that. I know it’s mean to root for them to get it, but come on, Hatteras has been flooded like 8 times in the last 4 years.”

Experts are uncertain about the path the storm may take, and there are a number of variables that could affect it. 90% of scientist were willing to say that prayer couldn’t hurt an area’s chances of getting hit, but there were a few researchers that thought God might turn the hurricane at those who wished it upon others in some bible like parable.

“I had 4 feet of water in my house during Mathew!” said South Nags Head local, Jennet Gompers, “I know they got some of Mathew too, but what if this time they just get all of Florence?”

Other locals are not so optimistic. “I know this shit is gonna hit us,” said Nancy Sawyer, “We always get the worst. Pray all you want, this is gonna sink my the island.”

 

Outer Banks Legend, Dusty Hills, has been couch surfing since he was 12 years old. “Hell if you count sleeping on random couches because my Dad got evicted, I’ve been couch surfing my whole life.” He said on Wednesday as he prepared to take his shot at glory. The 34 year old line cook has bounced around to nearly as many restaurants as he has couches, but cooking is not his true passion.

“He has a way of riding that no one else can hold a candle to,” said fellow surfer Mary Warner. “I’ve seen couches that were so rough most people wouldn’t even sit on them. Dusty ain’t scared. We joked about making a ‘Dusty would go’ sticker and putting it on couches and chairs people leave out for trash pick up.”

“Watching him pass out on a couch is like poetry,” said actual surfer Dylan Cables as he recorded Dusty training on a love seat. “We used to think Dusty was just the guy that always crashed at our house, smoked our weed, ate our food, and parked in the wrong spot. Now we know he has a talent too.”

“I just want to make my fellow locals proud,” Dusty said as he took a drag from a cigarette. “I know there will be some big names coming in from Cali, but I got the local knowledge. I know ever couch from the trailers in Currituck to the unfinished downstairs laundry rooms of Ocracoke. I can also improvise. I can turn porch furniture and beach chairs into a bed. I even slept in an outside shower once.”

“I’d say he has a good chance at breaking into the national rankings if he pulls off a victory here,” said Stan Merrit, the editor of Eastern Couch Surfer Magazine. “He has a number of top ten finishes, but he needs a win to get more recognition on the major circuit. The weather is shaping up great, with a low pressure atmosphere on the coast, there will be plenty of people chill enough to let you hit up their couch, but the danger in that is that a bunch of Virginia kooks come down and crowd up all the good couches.”

 

August sales numbers have disappointed Yankee candles sales division with the newest candle in their line up selling a paltry two cases. With these sales figures the company would surly be looking at a loss if not for the fact that they charge $15 for 10 cents worth of candle and 20 cents worth of glass.

The failed product entitled Wanchese Breeze was supposed to tie in with their other coastal scents like Pink Sand and Beach Wood. Unfortunately candle fans were not having any of it, with every candle store reporting a massive surplus of Wanchese Breeze stock.

The scent was designed by the so called “green team” of aroma designers. The idea was to pair the authentic individualism of commercial fisherman with the sustainability of using recycled bi-catch.

“We wanted this scent to say, ‘I know what estuaries smell like, and it ain’t Beach Wood,'” Danny Gettleman, the lead designer or the candle said. “We knew to be authentic we had to source our ingredients locally from Wanchese. We were lucky to get in touch with the fish houses and arrange a deal to extract the essence of shrip heads, blue crab and oyster shells, and fish organs. Mix all these together with a little bit of fiberglass resin, and you got yourself a candle that captures the true spirit of the harbor.”

“It smells like my step dad’s bait cooler after he left it in the back of the truck for a week,” said Margret Midgett, “You know how a smell can take you back to a memory? I dated a guy that was a commercial fisherman. When he came home after three days out there, I would make him strip down outside before he went straight to the shower. This candle takes me right back there.”

“If you wanted to know what a shark’s rectum smelled like, this would be the closest approximation,” said store manager Hank Ballence. “I was sure the first batch of these we got had gone bad in shipping, so I sent them back only to find out when we got the next crate that is how they wanted them to smell.”

“Mommy why does this smell like the dog after she gets loose and rolls in stuff?” a small child asked as the mom quickly put the lid back on the candle and replaced on the clearance rack.

Local stores owners are extremely disappointed since they expected to rake in sales of a locally themed candle. Unfortunately the only buyers apparently are Feline Hope people since the candle has the ability not just to attract more stray cats to their house, but also improve upon the smell in them.

Discovery Channel vice-president of programming Hagar Voynich announced Tuesday that the reality/adventure show Deadliest Catch: Outer Banks would not be renewed for a second season. Although popular with Dare County residents, the show did not receive strong ratings in the rest of the country.

“I really regret that the show didn’t take off. We came to the Outer Banks encouraged by the success of Wicked Tuna: Outer Banks, and we hoped to recreate the drama and excitement of the other major reality show based on seafood harvesting” stated Voynich. Also, since the busy season for king crab in Alaskan waters is October and February, the complementary summer season for Dare County crabbers offered an opportunity to make money with boats that would otherwise sit idle through the warm months.

After making the long voyage from Bering Sea to the Pamlico Sound, however, the 130-foot-long boats were unable to pass through Oregon Inlet. “We were gobsmacked. I mean, isn’t somebody in charge of dredging the inlet? The government or somebody?” asked an exasperated Captain Thurg Snorrison of the Yggdrasil. However, even after the network paid for a channel to be dredged, the larger boats found that they had to stick to the main channel or risk running aground.

Another suspected reason for the cancellation is the relatively placid nature of sound crabbing. Brigge Dottirsdottir of the Audhumla explains: “In the Bering, waves average 10-20 feet. I’m not saying you don’t get some weather down here, but considering the high seas combined with the dangerously icy decks we deal with up north, there’s just a lot more danger crabbing in Alaska.”

The 70-pound crab traps used for king crabs can potentially kill the crabbers, an average of whom seven die on the job every year. Attempts by the producers to focus on similar local dangers led to embarrassments such as the segment during which first mate Durg Birgsturmer of the Ymir dropped a local crab pot on his toe and had to limp around for several minutes until the pain subsided. Another Alaskan, Loki Jormungandr, got a nasty pinch from an escaped blue crab, but the ensuing trip to the emergency room of Outer Banks Hospital was largely ridiculed by viewers.

Personality conflicts, common on Wicked Tuna, were also largely absent. The Outer Banks crabbers generally went on about their business, their smaller boats able to easily navigate the sound and their knowledge of where to place the pots giving them an insurmountable advantage over the Alaskan crews. A few taunts were thrown by the Alaskans but were largely ignored by the laconic Outer Bankers.

The breaking point came when, desperate for a ratings gimmick, the producers forced the northern fleet to disembark to the beaches of Dare County and hunt sand fiddlers using nets and buckets. When this led to a critical and ratings disaster, the show unfortunately doubled down and required the proud Alaskans to drive from Wings store to Wings store in search of hermit crabs. Several fishermen walked away from their contracts in disgust at that point and took their boats back to the Bering Sea.

While Dangerous Catch may have abandoned eastern North Carolina, though, local officials are currently in talks with CBS executives about the possibility of another local project, Survivor: Rodanthe.

Nags Head – The recent erosion from the week of storms has revealed a long hidden artifact on the coast of our beaches. As the sand retreated back into the ocean, a long hidden cave entrance emerged.

Local amateur historian, Beau Daniels had a theory on the pirates that hid the treasure, “This is One Eye’d Willy for sure. He was known for his elaborate pirate hideouts full of traps and treasure.”

Already a band a scampish local children have embarked on a quest to find the treasure in an effort to save their neighborhood from being demolished to make room for a SAGA construction project. No word as to their progress, but people have reported sounds of sword fighting and sails tearing coming from within.

“We are urging the public not to enter the cave in search of hidden pirate treasure,” said Police Chief Wilson, “it is not safe, and we all know the treasure would be cursed anyway. Now we gotta find out how to get these kids out of here safely without putting our first responders at risk. If it keeps raining like this, these kids are going to get Thailanded without even realizing it.”