Author: Goatman

Local fishermen are responding positively to the replacement of the formerly common term “raccoon eyes” with a new appellation: “Trump eyes.”  O’Neal Daniels, captain of the “Virtuous Snapper” out of Pirate’s Cove, states: “Sure, it just sounds more presidential. Everybody likes Trump, right? And nobody likes raccoons. They’re filthy vermin. Gotta say, it gives me a little boost when people compare my eyes to the Commander in Chief of the good old U. S. of A.”

A few miles south in Wanchese, Bug Daniels, captain of the “Cantore’s Revenge,” agrees: “It made me feel kinda bad with people always comparing me to a trash panda. I mean, you wear sunglasses on the water all day, your eyes don’t get tan like your face. Hazard of the job. But since the president made eye circles cool, I’m proud of my Trump eyes.”

A few miles farther south at Oregon Inlet Fishing Center, “Ayn Rand” captain Bunk Midgette also concurs. Taking off his sunglasses to reveal fleshy pink circles around his eyes, he says, “Since the new name caught on, I think I am catching bigger fish. The biggest fish. Ask anybody—I am catching the biggest, most best fish ever, that anybody ever caught and that can be caught. I think changing the name to “Trump eyes” brought good luck. The best luck. Nobody ever had luck like we have now. It’s unbelievable.” When asked about distinctly orange tint of the rest of his facial skin, Midgette admits that he also splurged on a presidential spray-tan. “I mean, why stop at the eyes? If I could find a hairspray that would stand up to those offshore winds, I’d do the hair too.”   

President Trump himself noted the inadvertent homage, posting the following to his Twitter account: “Dare County fishermen are the best. I’m proud to be a role model. They are MAGA! Thanks for the camo visor. Crooked Hillary.”

Andrei Reacher has an addiction problem. He has sought professional help, tried home remedies and even consulted an acupuncturist. So far a cure has eluded him and so he copes as best he can. One of his coping mechanisms is an emotional support animal. And that’s where Mr. Reacher and society part ways.

We met with Mr. Reacher at the Jennette’s Pier, one of the few places “Bob,” Mr. Reacher’s service animal is not unwelcome. Bob is a sea mullet today. Some days he is a perch, others a blue fish. Once he was a goldfish.

“That was a horrible time,” said Mr. Reacher about Goldfish Bob. “I broke my hand and couldn’t fish for a couple days. So I had to get one at the pet store.”

Mr. Reacher’s addiction is fishing. He fishes from the pier in the morning, takes his ocean kayak out in the afternoon, and surf casts in the evening. He owns a dozen different fish finders and even has a fish whistle which he swears is the best thing for landing striped bass.

But there are days Mr. Reacher cannot fish. Hurricanes are his arch nemesis, but he also avoids thunderstorms and tornadoes. When he can’t fish Mr. Reacher enters a strange mental state that he describes as a cross between opioid withdrawal and incel sexual frustration (both of which Mr. Reacher is familiar with). And that’s when Bob comes in.

“When I have Bob with me, I can cope,” says Mr. Reacher. “He smooths out my nerves and lets me function like a normal human being.”

It is a matter of debate if “normal” is a word that could be used for a man that carries a live 30 pound carp under one arm while standing in line to order pizza. Managers at most establishments tend to think not, despite the handmade “Service Animal” vests the Bob’s are wearing.

“I don’t buy it,” said Valerie Scroggins, owner of Toys Were Us. Scroggins claims she has kicked Mr. Reacher out of her store about a half dozen times. “I mean, it’s not so bad if Bob is a minnow or something small he can keep in his pocket. But Andy tends to go big and usually he’s toting around a goddamn grouper or something.”

Andrei Reacher’s struggle for social acceptance of his condition continues. He patiently explains his medical condition to any who will listen and while he’s never completely convinced anyone, he feels he’s gained some sympathy.

“My greatest hope,” Mr. Reacher said, “Is to simply be able to go to the store or the movies with my service animal, just like Ronnie Milsap.”

 

The Dare County Sheriff’s Department is warning locals and visitors to be extra vigilant about locking up their valuables with particular emphasis on jewelry.

“This guy loves jewelry,” said DCSD’s spokesman, John R. Reue. “Rings in particular. Well, to be honest, rings almost exclusively.”

To date, the thief has broken into 38 homes and dozens of motor vehicles in search of valuables. He has stolen 14 wedding rings, 11 engagement rings, 8 class rings, 4 costume jewelry style rings and one Jack-in-the-Box secret decoder ring.

“The kids was devastated about that,” said Deputy Reue. “Happily we were able to recover it later in a nearby trash can.”

The suspect is described as a barefoot male, approximately 4’2”, 85 lbs., wearing shorts and long stringy hair. Deputy Reue said he has been checking with local area pawn shops and drug dealers to see if the rings have been traded in but so far none of them have turned up.

The thief was nearly caught last Thursday when he broke into the home of Sam Gamgee. Mr. Gamgee woke to sniveling sounds coming from his closet and caught a glimpse of the thief as he darted from the room.

“He moved fast,” remarked Mr. Gamgee. “Light weren’t too good, so I didn’t get much of a look but I heard him say something like ‘the precious is mine’ afore he left. Got my damn 1989 First Flight State Champion wrastlin’ ring.”

Mr. Gamgee’s outdoor securing cameras caught a fleeting image of the suspect which the Sheriff’s department has circulated along with a description of the thief. Anyone with information is urged to call the Sheriff’s Department or the Outer Banks Crime Stoppers.

 

Nags Head – Little Stevie Williams from Toledo Ohio pulled in quite the specimen while fishing at the pier with his grandfather. Pier patrons gathered around to see this strange sea creature the boy had pulled from the depths. With its slimy body and tentacle covered face, the baby Cthulhu was not exactly what most people would call cute, but yet no one could take their eyes off of it.

“I caught him with a bottom rig with cut bait,” Stevie said to the crowd who remained transfixed on his catch, “It didn’t put up much a fight, I thought it was a croaker or spot.”

Cthulhu are a rarely seen on the surface, instead they prefer enslaving humans telepathically from deep beneath the sea. Up until this point thought only sailor’s tale. Yet this mythological creature was sitting calmly in this young man’s hands.

“The state doesn’t have a citation for fictional creatures,” Bobby Donalds a commissioner on the NC Wildlife Resources commission said, “It is a once in a lifetime catch, and I don’t think the child needs a certificate from us to commemorate it.”

When asked for a comment the baby Cthulhu vibrated it’s tentacles softly as everyone around got an instant migraine, then spoke telepathically into their heads:

O̗͙ṋ̤̯̪e̶͉̹ ̱͢d͉a̳͎y̭̻̟͉̤̻̞͟ ẉ̼̜̲ȩ͎̰̬̲ ̙̼̦̩̜͔̥͟w̦̜͈͠i̧͙͎͖̗̦͖͈l̞̭̘l̝ ̨͔̦͈a͈̹̱l̸̲͓͙̥̼̳l̡̘ ͖g͟o̴̰̩͎ ͙̺̹͇͎̲̪i̴͚̰̙̱̞n͕͖̮̳̫͟ͅͅt̡͚͕o ̖̪̰̦̦t͏̭͉͚̲h̫ͅe͏̞ ̙̳̩w̖̰̲̭͈̗a̗̼͕̟͢t̘͍̟̪e͖͇̣̖r͙͍͓̳̥̯͘ ̠ͅ
̴͉͈G̷̤̗o ̱̗̲͎̠̬i͈̝͇̳͙ͅn̼͉̲t̛͕o̤ ̘̦͈th̝̠͙͎e͖͎̘̲ ̸̲̲̭̪̠w̡̬͙̗͚̼̯͎a͈̪̞̞͈̕t̲̩̺͍̞ͅe͚̞̳̻͓͈r̲̻͙ ̙͡
͏l͕ì̖̰̝̜͇̣v͘e̘̥ ͅt̲̖̬̻̘̻̞h̲̱̖͞e̤̜̝̳̘̭̖͞r͟e̖̻̬̠̦̺͙͡ ̨d̰̹̤i̴͇̦̟̬̳e͓̙̹͍̬̝͎ ͟ṭ̨͇̳͓͇̩̤h̲͓͍̭̞̳̼̕e͢r̼͈̝̪͓ͅe̩̪̮ ̢
͚͡ḻ̯͚ͅi͈̩͞v̨̙͇̳ͅe̼͎̣̗̼͢ ̪̫̫͝t̹̗̝̟̜̲ḫ̩̪̪͠e̮r͎̥͇̗̟̙̱e̼ ͉͚̻͉̦d̶̳͖ị̀e̟ͅ
̳̺̖̮͙̰We҉̹͉͔̖̤̗ͅ’̟̮̗̤̩̥̰l̘l̢̯̻͙̜̳̥ ͉r̪̝̰̖͔̕is҉̝̤̗̼̦̖e͏,͍͈̞̺͝ ͘f̫̖̙̮̩͇r͕̟o̵͖̭͉̥͕̻m̖ ͈̫͉o̺̗ͅu͈ŗ̳͚ ̦͖̜̻d҉̱̮e̘̻̗̩̥̪͍̕ṕ̟̭̟̫̝̘t̲͡h̯͎̀s̯̥͓͔ ̶̲͖d͚̳̠̫̹̘̩o͢ẃ̺̠̙͉̗̙n̺̥̗̼͞ ͔͖͉͓̀b̞̤̣̮̟͞e͙̮͈͜l̰͟o̯͢w҉ ̲̰͖̱͚
̡͍̭̣̳̪R͏̙e̻̯͎̼̺l̻͔̬ḛ̹̜a҉͉̞s̲͕̬͓̖͕ͅe҉͖͕̪ ̺̱̹y̮͚̫͚̻͢ou҉̩͕̗̫ŕ͉̝̳̝̝s͉͇͔͍̝͔͡e̺͇͎̗̦͙͍l̨̪͔ve͍̳̤̫̩̫s̸͉̟,̨̞ ͈̹̜̤͚̤d̥r̴ͅo͏̖̥̘w̸n ̶̥͚̤̲w͡i̞̤̞̝̘͎t͙̙̻ͅh̴ m͇̠͓̰̝̰e̛̜͇̳̠̫̜ ̗
̧̰̠̺̼W҉e̪̞ ̬͙͝w̠̮̫̤̳̼i͎̼͉̤͇̹͜ͅļ̗̥͔̬̰̲l҉ ̙̙̟̠̦͕͢c̝͕͖̯o̱̟̥̮͕͕̕n͖͘q̙̳͎̯̞̼̝u̦e̤̲̦̟͎͎r̪̬̥ ̤̱͓̫̥l̷̲̥̦ͅa̤̳̟̟͓̯n̬͔͝d͕̬̻̘́ ̡̺̯͎w̞̩i̼̗̯̣͇t̷͎h͔͖̯͈̪̱ ̗̤͚̼̠͓͘w͚̣͈͕͙͔͚a̜͕͎̲̞̪͔͝t̞̫̬̙̻͞er҉ ̻̪̳̖

 

After a quick picture, Stevie released his catch back into the water by tossing him off the end of the pier. A few human mind slaves jumped overboard with their new master never to be seen again.

 

After June’s failed experiment with “No Left Turn” (NLT) the Town of Southern Shores is investing in a new light rail system to help alleviate congestion on the town’s residential streets. The main line, dubbed the “White Line”, will transport passengers from a station at US 158 and Dogwood to the intersection of Sea Oats Trail and NC 12. The system will initially use two high-speed electric trains with plans to expand if ridership numbers increase. Track work is expected to be completed by mid-July and the trains will begin service in the beginning of August.

“We’re really excited to test this new system,” said Southern Shores Mayor Richard Butler. “Have a couple of kinks to work out, like where all the tourists are going to park to ride the train, but really that’s minor compared to the congestion relief we expect to see.”

Mayor Butler said he was disappointed that the Southern Shores Rapid Transit Authority was unable to secure permission to build the rail into Duck but noted that Duck “does like their crosswalks” and the rail line would have created interruptions in the flow of pedestrian traffic.

The two new trains are top-of-the-line EXS-19’s manufactured by Bombardier Transportation out of Canada. Dubbed “The Brown Streak,” the EXS-19 go from 0 to 60 in 1.2 seconds and can achieve top speeds of 240 mph. The trip from Dogwood Station to Sea Oats station will take approximately 58 seconds.

Southern Shores Planning Director William Potter said only two trees had to be cut down to make room for the tracks. He also noted that Southern Shores residents will be provided lifetime passes to ride the trains.

 

Kill Devil Hills – A chocolate lab named Wally is trying to explain the hell that is the 4th of July to his 8 month old compatriot, Skittles.

Somehow Wally knows what is coming. Though he can’t use a calendar or understand concepts like years and holidays, he knows. Perhaps he can smell the illegal fireworks his neighbor bought from that guy in the Kmart parking lot.

This will be Wally’s 15th 4th of July, and everyone of them has been a terrible cacophony of booms and chaos. Wally interrupted his usual routine of scratching on his dog bed, spinning in a circle three times, then sleeping for two hours, to bark at Skittles repeatedly.

The puppy seemed to ignore the advice of the older dog, and continued to play with his toys only pausing to acknowledge the older dog when he held a toy halfway out of his mouth in an attempt to get Wally to try and take it.

“Oh Wally hates the 4th,” said owner Wanda Stickler, “Isn’t it cute the way he is teaching Skittles? He can do all sorts of tricks, watch this. Wally Sit!” Wally ignored her and focused on barking at the puppy. “Oh he won’t do it when you’re here. You have him distracted. He gets distracted by company,” Stickler said as Wally continued barking at the smaller dog. She also explained that Wally could predict the weather. “Wally will be outside, and then he comes inside, and don’t you know it, later that day it rains. The dog has a second sense!”

“That dog is worthless,” Her husband Ron said, “What good is a hunting dog that is afraid of loud noises? This is all because you let him sleep inside, Wanda.”

Skittles appeared to ponder what Wally was barking at him for a moment until a fly breezed past him, and he was distracted. He chased it for a few moments then fell over and rolled around. Wally gave up on trying to warn Skittles and went inside, prompting Wanda to warn us it was going to rain.

Sarah Walters wanted to prove she could overcome her condition. She wanted to show everyone a person with albinism could be a lifeguard. He goal was to teach people that they shouldn’t limit themselves because of how they were born. There were people who said she couldn’t do it, but she didn’t care. She showed all of us the true power of courage and determination, for about one week, then she died of sun poisoning.

“We loved Sarah,” said fellow lifeguard Erica, “what she lacked in pigment, she made up for in passion! We are just shocked from her death, no one could have seen this coming.”

“I was worried this would happen,” said Sarah’s dermatologist, who saw this coming, “I tried to warn her that there were better Summer jobs for someone with her skin type, but I couldn’t stop her.”

“She died breaking down barriers, and for that she will be remembered as a hero and a pioneer like MLK or Amelia Earhart, ” Sarah said in her own eulogy she wrote before she died.

Local ocean rescuers turned out to give Sarah a soulful circle water splash. Her coworker, Conner, explains, “She wasn’t a surfer, but we have always wanted to do one of these funerals, yet never had the chance. We thought this would be a great opportunity to try it out, and we were right. It was amazing. My buddy brought out his drone, and got some great footage.”

The local coroner is confused whether to call this one a death from natural causes or a suicide. “She had to know this was going to happen,” he said, “but she believed that if she wanted it bad enough, she could overcome the certain death, so I don’t know how to chalk it up. I think I need a consult from a philosopher.”

Last week, the OBX Hospital in Manteo became the first medical facility in the country to use marijuana to induce a medical coma in a patient. The patient, a 26 year old male from Colington had suffered traumatic head injury during a surfing accident. Inducing a medical coma was used in conjunction with cryotherapy to reduce life-threatening brain swelling.

Dr. William Nelson was the lead physician on the team treating the Colington man. He stated that the patient himself requested the unprecedented procedure.

“He was dinged up pretty good when they brought him in,” said Dr. Nelson. “But he had wits enough to refuse a more traditional treatment regimen. He insisted that weed was natural because it grew in the ground and did not carry the risks of opiates.”

The medical team faced a number of challenges in inducing the coma, not the least of which was designing an effective delivery system from scratch. Using a neck brace and plastic bag, Dr. Nelson created a pot “head tent” that allowed doctors to suffuse the patient in marijuana smoke. A second problem arose from an unlikely source: the patient himself.

“The patient had a rather lengthy history with recreational marijuana use,” explained Dr. Nelson. “We had to get the dankest, I mean the absolute stickiest of the icky, to induce a coma.” Fortunately the doctors were able to procure the drug from the myriad of local distributors.

The Colington man is well on his way to making a full recovery. As news of the successful new treatment spread, the OBX Hospital has noted a 420% increase in head trauma cases, many of them, the hospital reports as probably “self-induced.”

Local cook, Dusty Hills, apparently took a “header” while in the walk-in, and was seeking the treatment so he could “get twirlt” while he waited on his worker’s comp check.

Even your other friends admitted that your buddies new beanie was stylish, in November. Even when there were some warm days in April,  he was still managing to pull it off.  However, the temperature this week has climbed past 90 multiple times.  Everyone agrees this fashion faux pas has reached the point of intolerable, but no one will talk to him about it. 

“I don’t want to bring it up. He loves that hat so much, I would hate for him to choose between it and me,” His mother said when you asked her about it.

“Can you imagine what his hair looks like under that thing? I think he has had it on for months. No wonder he won’t take it off,” said your other friend who likes talking shit behind your back too.

For some reason you seem more concerned than everyone else. You find yourself looking at it instead of his eyes when he is talking. You pace around your house, practicing what you are going to say when you finally confront him, then you chicken out. You even tried sneaking into his room to steal it, but found out that he wore it to bed. Your friend doesn’t seem to mind. The blazing heat can’t change how cool he feels. Sure, it might look ridiculous with his board shorts and sandals, but what if he is onto a new trend, and you are just out of it? “Am I that out of touch?” you ask yourself. You stay up late and look in the mirror wondering what changed in you, and when. You can’t put your finger on the moment you gave up, but you know you did. As you lay awake in bed, you wonder if buying your own beanie can fix the emptiness you now feel where your youthful joy used to be.

KDH Ocean Rescue is typically staffed by young in shape tan people. In an effort to bring more dermatological diversity to their corps they have hired the least tan person they can possibly hire. Sarah Walters is a UNC Women’s Studies major who has Albinism. “I just wanted to show everyone that I wouldn’t let the Cis-Hetero Patriarchy tell me what jobs I could or couldn’t do in the Summer,” she said while standing next to her stand.

Head Lifeguard, Troy Warren, had nothing but praise for his new employee, “At first we thought she might have trouble adapting to the long hours in the sun, but so far everything has been working out. She might spend half her paycheck on sunscreen, but we have umbrellas for the guards. If anything I thought she might not be able handle the p.t. you know cause she is a big girl.”

The other guards don’t seem to be worried much. “Hey as long as she can see and swim, I think she will be alright,” said Jacob Rosen, the new head lifeguard after Troy was suspended by H.R.

“I want to be a role model to children,” Sarah said as she looked out over the horizon, “Don’t let other people set limits on you. Set your eyes on a they sky and fly.”