Author: Goatman

It won’t inspire Nicholas Sparks to pen a sequel to his locally famous novel, but in the ongoing saga of shoreline protection, the Rodanthe landfill is certainly doing its job.

With the rising costs of beach nourishment making traditional means of erosion control impractical, Dare County has turned toward more inventive and economical measures to save its southern beaches. Dumping on Rodanthe’s beaches began late in 2017 and already trash is piled over 17 feet in many areas. The mountain of garbage serves as an effective, if malodorous, means of preserving the million dollar homes along the coast.

“We were spending millions on trying to keep the ocean at bay,” said county Commissioner Fred Sanford, “now other people are paying us to take this stuff.”

“Yeah, it sure stinks. Especially on a hot day,” said local Rodanthite Ann Jones. “But if your deck is high enough it ain’t so bad and you can look over top of it all and have a nice view of the ocean.”

The mounds of trash have made some traditional summertime activities such as sunbathing and beach volleyball a bit more challenging for visitors. On the upside, fans of surfcasting have found a number of advantages to fishing from the edge of the landfill.

“For one, you never run out of bait,” Sean Carson. “There are maggots everywhere, and man will a sea mullet hit on a maggot! Plus it’s free.”

Once the landfill in Rodanthe is at capacity operations will move south to Waves and Salvo.

 

A raccoon who climbed to fame earlier this month by scaling the 25 story UBS building in St. Paul, Minnesota, has died. He was 26 months old.

The MPR raccoon, or “Meerp” as he came to be known, became a viral sensation after security cameras recorded his daredevil antics. Cheered on by animal lovers and urban free climbers around the world, Meerp ascended the UBS building in record time. He next journeyed to New York where he climbed the Empire State Building.

Park Rangers investigating the matter said Meerp was on vacation on the Outer Banks preparing for his next stunt. He had gone out the morning of June 19th for what should have been an easy warm-up climb of the Wright Memorial. Upon reaching the top of the monument he was snatched by a passing osprey.

“He was a true ambassador for raccoons everywhere,” said famed actor Rocket Raccoon. “He showed a side of our species that wasn’t all about raiding trash cans and stealing prosthetics. We miss you, buddy.”

 

Kill Devil Hills, Police and EMS responded last night to a strange call. Two young men called the police on themselves after being beaten by a masked man calling himself the “El Coyote.” Police responded to find the two thieves writhing in agony holding onto their broken knees and ankles. The suspects were arrested and rushed to the hospital.

This is the 11th time in the past month that police have found battered thieves after failed car break ins. Each time the criminal reports the same thing. They were just minding their business, robbing peoples cars, and then suddenly they are attacked by a crazed man in an animal mask swinging a bat. Police are still looking for the man in the mask. The Police issued a statement to remind citizens that violence should only be used to protect yourself not your property, unless of course your neighbor’s dog is running loose and you think it’s scary.

We here at the OBX Report were able to get an exclusive interview with the man who some locals are calling, an “El Hero.”

OBX Report: “What made you get into beating up people who break into cars?”

El Coyote: “After the third time I had my gun stolen from my unlocked truck, I decided I had to do something about this. It ain’t right that people go into your vehicle and take things that aren’t theirs, so I decided to give them a lesson. Now I set up cars that look really tempting to rob, and wait till they show up. Then I beat them.”

OBX Report: “How did you come up with the name the “El Coyote?”

El Coyote: “I was thinking about how annoying it is that I have to lock my truck all the time now. For most of my life down here you just left your doors unlocked, and didn’t worry about  anything. Sure the occasional drunk would help himself to your loose change, but he wouldn’t steal your gun and sunglasses. It reminds me of how I have to keep my wife, Sheila’s, dumb-ass cats and dog in the house now. I can’t just let my pets roam the neighborhood like I used to. It feels like ever where I turn the OBX is becoming less free. The government takes our beach driving, the hurricanes takes our sand, the town keeps lowering the speed limit on the bypass, and now I have to lock my doors! Someone has to stand up and take matters into their own hands. Why should we cower in our houses while coyotes and robbers prowl the streets at night. They should be afraid of me.”

OBX Report: “Are you not worried about being caught?”

El Coyote: “If they can’t catch the idiot drug addicts breaking into cars, how will they catch a six foot two, desert storm vet with medium build like me.”

OBX Report: “Why as baseball bat? Is there some significance to it?”

El Coyote: “Well they stole my guns, so all I use this bat.”

OBX Report: “What about those locals who say you have gone too far?”

El Coyote: “I think they would be singing a different tune if it was their red Silverado that got broken into.”

OBX Report: “When will you consider your job finished?”

El Coyote: “I’ll know it’s safe when my daughter can leave her loaded pistol in her unlocked power wheels without the fear of

Tourists were treated to a celebrity guest appearance at the pier this evening. The manatee hanging around the fishing center threw on some sandals and a straw hat, and strolled up to the bar.

“It’s hard work being a sea cow. There is only so much sea weed you can eat before you decide it’s time for some 10 cent shrimp and a cold beer,” the Manatee said while signaling to her waitress that she wanted another round.

Fish and Wildlife officers were turning a blind eye to the inebriated marine mammal. “The bar is technically out of our jurisdiction,” officer Stevenson said, “We can let her have a little fun. It’s a long swim back to Florida.”

“Her? Yeah I like the big girls sometimes,” local bar rat Dusty Hills said in reference to the manatee, “She is really tan too. I love that. Those tats are hot too.” Dusty said in reference to her boat motor scars. In his defense, Dusty hasn’t changed his contacts in  two months.

After decades of fierce resistance, North Carolina is finally going metric.

Last Monday the General Assembly voted 88 – 32, mostly along party lines, to enact HB 254 the so-called “Metric Enhancement Act”. The act kicks off a three-year conversion of imperial units of measurements to metric. All DOT signs will switch to metric beginning this Summer. In year two, textbooks and cookbooks will be required to use metric measurements. Finally, in 2021, North Carolina will adopt the metric calendar, which will complete the transition to a system of weights, measurements and time that is recognized around the world.

The Town of Manteo is, as usual, excluded from having to follow these new regulations.

“Doubtless there will be a bit of confusion as people adapt to grams, meters and kiloweeks,” said Mr. Leigh Prickles with the Dare County Tourist Bureau. “But in time I think it’ll work out just fine. It will really help our overseas visitors navigate the area though I don’t suppose it’ll do much to teach the exchange workers to ride their bikes on the right side of the road.”

Not everyone is happy with the change. Milepost Magazine has stated they will likely shutter operations as “Kilopost” just doesn’t have the same ring. Outer Banks Sporting Events is expecting a record loss in profits from having to replace all of their 26.2 stickers with 42.195 stickers.  

But the new system is already winning over a number of stubborn holdouts. When Southern Shores resident Wanda Clavers found out her weight would drop from 158 to 76, she was ecstatic. “When I heard about how much weight I would lose, I went back to the waffle bar at brunch. I told all my girls, and we were so happy we got another round of mimosas. My husband wasn’t thrilled, you know how old guys are about change, but when I told him a certain measurement of his would be over 10 now, he changed his tune.”

 

After another vehicular homicide of a wild horse on the Currituck Outer Banks earlier this month, a citizen initiative is under consideration to make the surviving herd a little safer. The initiative, the “Island Horse Off-road Protection Act”, or “IHOP” is the dreamchild of Grandy resident Willlbur Post. First conceived in 1992 after the murder of “Star,” a Corolla black stallion, by a careless driver, IHOP would create a special “safety fund” specifically for the horses. The fund would be used to apply reflective stripes and install “idiot whistles” on the horses. Similar to a deer whistle, the idiot whistle makes a noise when the horse is running that will help alert idiots to their presence.

“I spend pretty much every waking moment thinking about these horses,” said Mr. Post. “Sometimes they come in my dreams and sometimes I come in my dreams just dreaming about them. I want to make sure we do everything to protect them and keep people from murdering them.”

This is not Mr. Post’s first extraordinary effort to protect the horses. In 2003 he tried to limit access to the Corolla beaches by digging 8’ trenches on the north and south ends of the beach. In 2011 he built a sniper tower out of seagrass and driftwood.

Meanwhile, Currituck County Commissioners have allocated funds to begin construction of crosswalks on the beach that will allow the horse to safely navigate their way between the dunes and ocean. Bubba Hanging, the chairman of the CCC said he preferred the crosswalks to the reflective striping of the horses.

“Beach crosswalks will not only benefit the horses, but also the ghost crabs and some marine life such as turtles and jellyfish when they come ashore to mate. It is a better return on investment,” said Mr. Hanging.

 

Buxton NC,  Organizers are announcing the first annual Shelly Island Burning Man Festival will be delayed until the island re-emerges from the Atlantic Ocean.  The festival was slated to host over twenty thousand attendees from all over the world. The western version of the gathering is infamously known to involve illicit drugs use, alcohol, and sexual deviant behavior. The organizers chose Shelly Island because they mistakenly believed it to be in international waters, and immune to drug laws.

Local police are relieved to hear the event has been canceled. An unnamed local officer told us, “We just don’t have the staff to arrest all those consenting adults engaging in victimless behavior. Also we didn’t want to have to go out there. Can you imagine going on the beach in our uniforms?”

Dare Tourism Officer, Jean Gingerette, offered his sincere condolences to the potential festival goers, and the businesses of Hatteras Island. “Look it’s been a rough couple years with the hurricanes and power outages and all. We need all the cash we can get. We aren’t too good to take money from weirdos who do a lot of drugs on the beach. If that was the case we couldn’t serve half the locals.”

Area dirtbag, Dusty Hills, is probably the most disappointed, saying, “I was so looking forward to getting out there and scoring some molly and hooking up with one of those girls with the body paint and a bandanna across her face. Oh my god! I have been following this one on Instagram, and I knew she was going to be there. It was my dream bro, and now its over, fuck mother nature like for real! Now I have to try and get with these basic ass waitresses who always talking about their college boyfriend and shit.”

Nags Head – Your Mama told you not to believe everything you see on TV, but that didn’t stop her from believing everything she sees on Facebook. You’ve seen them. Fantastically realistic photos popping up in your feed. Aliens, mermaids, tidal waves, you name it. You will never know what will pop up.

The artist behind it all is none other than local photographer Randy Snap.

“I started making these as a way to practice my Photoshop skills. I got so good at it, I thought I would share them with my Facebook friends. I had no idea people would start taking these so seriously,” said Snap.

“Y’all is this real?” said 48 year old mother of three, Wanda Creef, on Snap’s latest photoshop post.

“Oh mah gawd I can’t believe they having a dragon attack right now in Frisco!” said a gullible attorney from Corova.

“My great aunt Sarah from Illinois called me to make sure we was okay after seeing this photo. How is there still an island when the waves are this big?” Asked another confused local in the Facebook group.

“My great grandpappy Daniels always told me Mermaids were real! Now I have proof. Thanks for posting this and doing us all a service,” said a Wanchese man who calls the New York Times “Fake News.”

 

Dare County – A spike in vehicle breaking and entering crimes has plagued residents of Dare County for over three months now. By last official estimates 45% of vehicles in Dare County have been broken into. The thieves have managed to defeat all forms of security including car alarms, motion sensor lights and door locks. Now some residents are turning to a popular 90’s era anti-theft device that proved to be effective as it was controversial: the Trunk Monkey.

First developed by the Suburban Auto Group in 1999, the Trunk Monkey was offered as a special security feature in certain Ford and Chevrolet models. The monkey, a highly trained mixed martial arts chimpanzee, could be deployed by the driver at the push of a button or set to automatically deploy if the vehicle was broken into. Trunk Monkeys had a 99.7% successful deterrence and apprehension rate, but were discontinued after an accidental deployment resulted in injuries to a Portland City Meter Reader and a multimillion dollar settlement.

Fast forward to early November, 2017. Nags Head resident John Tidwell’s Ford Escape had been broken into three times in as many weeks. Fed up with the missing change and cigarettes, Mr. Tidwell went online to shop for security devices and discovered several Trunk Monkey systems for sale on e-Bay. He took a chance and ordered one. He reports being “very impressed” by the results.

“The first night I found some scraps of clothes and blood by the driver’s door and bloody footprints leading away from my yard,” Mr. Tidwell reported. “A couple nights later there was a finger and part of somebody’s ear. Needless to say, nothing was missing from my car.”

News of Mr. Tidwell’s success spread quickly and soon all of his neighbors had acquired their own Trunk Monkeys. Currently over 61 Trunk Monkey systems are deployed in Dare County and that number continues to rise. Mr. Tidwell’s brother-in-law, Michael Garland, a Kitty Hawk resident said Trunk Monkey use isn’t  just limited to vehicle security.

“Oh yeah, they’re pretty clever,” Mr. Garland reported. “I taught mine to kick the shit out of any dog that tries to crap on my lawn.”

NAGS HEAD – Mystery is no stranger to the Jockey’s Ridge in Nags Head. For centuries, scientists and archaeologists have probed inside the largest sand dune on the east coast. But until now none had stumbled upon a 100 foot long space hidden under its sandy surface.

Jockey’s Ridge contains a number of well documented artifacts, from the lost Putt Putt golf course to an antebellum version of the Nags Head Hotel. The shifting sands sometimes give passer-bys a glimpse of these artifacts from the past.

But what has remained hidden, and what researchers at the Outer Bank History Center feverishly hope lays within the mysterious chamber is essentially the Holy Grail of all Outer Banks archeology: the lost grave of Virginia Dare.

“Wouldn’t that be fantastic?” mused Brent Evans, lead historian at OBHC. “Finding Virginia Dare’s final resting place would fill hundreds of blank pages in our local history.”

When pressed for what those questions were, Evans pointed toward the window and shouted “Benghazi squirrel!” and dashed from the room.

Archaeologists plan to begin excavation on Monday to reach the chamber but they will have to work quickly: the sale of Jockey’s Ridge to local developer Saga Construction was recently approved by Dpt. of Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke. Construction of a new subdivision is slated to begin January 1st.