Author: Goatman

For the past ten years, Kill Devil Hills biggest (or at least most famous) fireworks fan has been “Riley” a 51 year old Loggerhead sea turtle. Like clockwork, Riley has crawled up on the beach near Avalon Pier to dig a nest and lay her eggs on July 4th. Unlike typical Loggerheads, Riley hangs around her nest for several hours until the Kill Devil Hills fireworks show begins.

“It’s kind of like a starter gun for her,” says wildlife specialist Michael Dundee with the National Park Service. “She heads back toward the ocean, watching the fireworks the whole way. Of course, being a turtle, it takes her awhile to get there and she’s usually just getting her front flippers wet by the time the finale starts.”

The turtle’s behavior was chalked up to a curious coincidence, that is until this year when the KDH fireworks show was postponed until July 7th. As she had in years past, Riley crawled up on the beach, dug her nest and waited. And waited.

And waited.

The next morning, Riley was still waiting, sad turtle eyes scanning the sky for signs of the pyrotechnic show. NEST officials eventually posted caution tape around the turtle to keep ignorant but yellow tape-adverse curiosity seekers from taking pictures of their children on the back of turtle’s shell.

“We tried everything to get her to go back in the water,” said Dundee. “We even set off some South of the Border fireworks we seized off some tourists from Columbia near her, but she wasn’t having it. She wanted the real thing.”

For the next three days Riley barely stirred from her perch near the dune. Her condition slowly deteriorated as she remained out of the water, refusing to drink or even eat, despite the helpful visitors who tossed her Gummi Bears and Cheetos. NEST officials briefly considered moving Riley to the NC Aquarium but realized that would require that they physically touch the turtle, which would violate their Prime Directive.

Finally, on the night of July 7th, the Kill Devil Hills firework show began. Riley’s eyes sparkled with joy as the brocades, dragon eggs and pistils burst overhead. Scooping up a mouthful off Gummi’s, Riley began her labored journey back to the ocean to the applause of the hundreds of well wishers and drunken revelers around her.

“It was a close call for Riley,” said Dundee. “I hope next year KDH will get their act together and have their fireworks show on time. Do it for America. Do it for the kids. Do it for Riley.”

In a rare moment of candor, the Internal Revenue Service, Trilateral Commission, NASA and CIA have issued a joint apology to the citizens of Dare County for the recent unusual weather activity in the area.

On July 10th, a potent thunderstorm rolling across Dare County spawned over a dozen waterspouts and half as many tornados. Long-time resident and chronic Weather Channel viewer Noah Barque told the OBX Report he’d seen bad weather before “but nothin’ ever like this bad.”

Local meteorologist John Bernier said he reached out to the National Weather Service for comment and was accidentally transferred to the IRS’s Division of Clandestine Activity. An unidentified employee, apparently not realizing who they were speaking to, apologized. The employee stated that there were supposed to be twice the number of water spouts and that they were meant to inflict considerably more damage in the Colington area in order to clear land for a secret NASA launch site. Upon realizing they were talking with a member of the media, the person hung up.

Later in the day a spokesperson for the Trilateral Commission, speaking on behalf of the other agencies, issued a public apology for the storm activity. The spokesperson stated that the attempt to destroy Colington was the ill-conceived plot of a CIA agent named “Ray” and that “Ray” had been subsequently terminated. He said going forward NASA would only use conventional means to acquire property in Colington and that SAGA would be contracted to build their launch site rather than Blackwater.

The Solomons came to Frisco in 1953, a family of travelers from the planet Zorch enticed to the Outer Banks by the beautiful beaches and fresh caught seafood. Like so many visitors before and after, they decided to stay. Jedidiah Solomon, the patriarch of the family, recalls that he has met with every president since Eisenhower as a sort of unofficial ambassador from Zorch but so President Donald J. Trump has refused to to extend an invitation to the White House.

“I’m happy to meet him anytime,” Solomon said. “But the phone ain’t ringing.”

Solomon and his family run the most successful bed and breakfast in Frisco as well as “The Black Hole,” billed as the Outer Banks most popular opium den. He watches football on Sundays after church, hosts neighborhood oyster roasts and owns more guns than he can count. Surrounded by his spouse, platonic lover, salt wife, seven offspring, and the family pet cefolapede named “Daggit”, Solomon has clearly assimilated into the somewhat offbeat society of the southern beaches

His neighbor, Larry Dallas, this might be why there’s been no invite from the Trump Administration.

“Jedidiah is a good guy for an alien but he’s been in ‘murica so long he’s almost like an ordinary ‘murican. Mr. Trump is a busy man and don’t have to meet with ordinary type folk even if they do have green skin,” Dallas suggested. “Hate to say it, but maybe he should act a little more alien-like. You know, threaten to blow up a building or impose sharia-law in the county.”

The OBX Report has reached out to the White House for comment but to date has not received word on when President Trump might make time for Frisco’s most famous extraterrestrial.

300 ft above Kitty Hawk – In anticipation of an extremely sharky 4th of July, the Navy is deploying a helicopter-borne sniper teams to protect civilian swimmers. These well trained sailors are ready to celebrate independence day with hundreds of rounds of high velocity lead.

These snipers are accurate at distances up to 1000 meters, and depths of up to 15. If you hear a splash nearby it could very well be a shark sniper looking out for you.

Local government and citizens alike are excited about the plan.

“I can’t tell you how excited we are to have our boys in the sky protecting us on this 4th,” said a mayor or commissioner or something.

Area mother, Sydney Chambers, said she was hoping her children would be able to catch the shell casings.

Former servicemen and women are saluting from the dunes, and crowds are gathering to wave and cheer.

“I don’t even care about the rotor wash blowing sand in my beer and sending my umbrella somersaulting into the dunes. This too much fun to watch,” said a bystander.

We asked one beach goer, Jason Johannas, from Alexandria Virginia, how he felt about the the whole thing. “Man, you got a helicopter, which is awesome, a sniper rifle, which is super cool, then you got Navy Seals, which are bad ass. Now you combine them all with the fourth of July and Sharks! If that ain’t America, I don’t know what is.”

The fire depart has asked that people please refrain from shooting off fireworks while the helicopters are airborne so as to avoid any accidental triggering of countermeasures.

In a series of surprise raids, Immigration and Customs Enforcement has rounded up hundreds of Spanish Mackerel on suspicion of being illegal migrants. With the use of light tackle, nets, helicopters, and trained porpoises, agents began detaining the suspected fish on Monday.

President Trump had harsh words to say about pelagic suspects:

 

In a press conference he jokingly referred to the Spanish Mackerel as “Bad Pescados.”

Lawyers for the fish are filing motions to stay the deportations.

Victor Spizetta from the advocacy group Freedom Fish has been working around the clock since the raids began to get these cases in front of a judge. “This is a case of mistaken identity. Sure some Spanish Mackerel come from the Gulf of Mexico, but there is actually a large part of the United States, that boarders the Gulf. These fish were born in the U.S. and should be considered U.S. fishizens. This is clearly based on the language the fish speak, and not the facts.” he said Monday morning to the press.

Scientist and legal scholars are split on the issue.

“Fish have very few rights according to the constitution,” said Carolina law professor, Cynthia Matterly, “there are only a few cases in the books, but most of them go back over a century. With the current makeup the court now, I see these fish having a hard time establishing standing. You could almost say they don’t have a leg to stand on. Sorry, I couldn’t resist myself.”

“Deporting these fish will mess up the entire food web in our ocean,” said Ariel Hernandez, a scientist at the Ocean Studies Institute. “The government might be doing more harm than good by creating a hole in the food chain. There are many species that eat Spanish Mackerel like tuna, dolphin, sailfish, sushi aficionados, and sharks.”

We asked fisherman about their feelings on the issue.

“The thing to look for is the dip in the lateral line,” said fishing expert Jamie Kerner, “the King Mackerel has a bigger dip than the Spanish. The dorsal fin and speckles can sometimes help, but more times than not, go with the lateral line. Just remember to go easy on the seasoning. All you need is some salt and pepper.”

“What’s that? Government is making it harder for me to catch fish? Color me suprised,” said a local commercial fisherman.

“It’s about time we rounded up these fish. They come to our waters and eat the fish that hard working American fish should be eating,” was the opinion of Vinni Cetzetti of Reading Pennsylvania. “The president may look like the bad guy, but he is doing the thing all the real Americans actually want. He is protecting our boarders like Obummer never could. Now it is up to congress to keep this from happening again. Build the net!”

Let it never be said that celebrated local art patron Flynn Pure is afraid to explore new frontiers.. Pure’s Ghostmonkey Gallery is home to dozens more traditional (read: sane) artists using familiar mediums such as watercolors, bronze, wood and beans. And he loves them all. Especially beans.

“We haven’t come close to exploring all the expressive possibilities of mosaic bean art, but even that form is limited to two dimensions, or maybe two-and-a-half since the beans don’t exactly sit flat on the canvass,” said Pure. “I’m interested in the third and fourth dimensions of art.”

To that end, Pure has hired world renowned actor Daniel Day Lewis to be his 2017 “Artist in Residence” at the Ghostmonkey Gallery. Lewis, long known as the premier method actor of his time, is retiring from the big screen and focusing his talents on performance art. His first foray into performance art came in 1991 when he drilled a hole in his skull while suspended from the third “O” in the “Hollywood” sign in Los Angeles. His performance was a protest against what he called the “most, mindlessness, worst movie of all time,” Highlander II: The Quickening. He claimed that only by self-trepanning was he able to expunge the memory of the movie.

Lewis and Pure knew each other from the early 80’s when both worked on a production of The Sound of Music for a touring theater company. They reconnected in New York two years ago when Pure attended Lewis’ one-man show “The Birth and Bludgeoning Death of a Baby Seal”. It was Lewis’ portrayal of the seal’s birth that intrigued Pure.

“It gave me an idea. I talked with Daniel about coming down to the beach then,” Pure said. “But he was still recovering from the head wound he suffered while filming Lincoln. The man is dedicated to his craft.”

Lewis said he was definitely ready to take a different career path after the “Lincoln” performance.

Lewis’ first performance piece for Pure will be called “Sea Turtle Boil.” He will recreate the life cycle of a Kemp’s Ridley sea turtle, beginning with emergence of an egg from the mother turtle’s cloaca through the hatching and desperate scurry to the ocean. He will then have to survive predators, gill nets and bad directions from a blue tang fish.

“The piece will be one of the most difficult Daniel has attempted,” said Pure. “He’s going to incubate during the show’s intermission, which will require him to stay in a fetal position under about six thousand pounds of sand. We haven’t quite worked out how he will breathe.”

“Sea Turtle Boil” will be performed Monday, Wednesday, Friday in front of the Loggerhead Public Beach Access in Nags Head at 12:30 p.m. beginning April 1st, 2017. The show will run approximately three hours. A special indoor performance will be held at the Ghostmonkey Gallery the second Sunday of each month for red headed persons and patrons suffering from agoraphobia.

Landmark study confirms what everyone knew all along

The results of a five year study conducted by the Center for Disease Control and the North Carolina Highway Patrol have revealed what most motorists have already figured out: that people driving at or under the speed limit in the “fast” lane are demonstrably dumber than average Americans. The landmark study was conducted in Kitty Hawk, Kill Devil Hills, Nags Head and along I-95.

“We figured the beach would be a good place to do the study since people driving here come from a diverse sample of states,” said lead researcher Professor Roy Hinkley.

Over the course of the study, State Police randomly stopped motorists traveling at or below the speed limit on highways and urban areas. A CDC scientist riding with the officer then conducted an abbreviated Stanford-Binet IQ test and recorded the results. Drivers were then tagged with a special biodegradable ear marker and released back into the wild.

The results of the testing showed drivers travelling under the speed limit in the fast lane had an IQ that was 10-15 points lower than average. Drivers using the fast lane to plod along on 4 or 5 lane highways tested even lower than the average mean, some as much as 25 to 30 points lower.

“Surprisingly, the lowest scores came from drivers in the Nags Head area, particularly those from Pennsylvania,” said Professor Hinkley. “Results in Kill Devil Hills were invalidated because the town has too many goddamn stoplights.”

Governor Roy Cooper has asked the state legislature to consider some version of “Max’s Law,” recently passed in Texas and South Carolina, which allows frustrated motorists to physically bump slow moving traffic in the fast lane out of the way.

Kitty Hawk – Dusty Hills has been working in various kitchens around the island since he dropped out of high school around the turn of the millennia. In this time he has had time to perfect the art of being a local dirt-bag cook, and he feels it is his duty to train the younger kitchen staff. Today he had some remarks with a potential protege about the front of the house staff.

“Man I don’t know why you are just standing there looking at your tickets, when there is a lady as hot as Julie on the other side of the line,” He said to his fry cook Martin, but loud enough for Julie, a Sophomore at Virginia Tech, to hear.

“Hey Dusty,” Julie said forcing a smile while she waited patiently for her order to be completed.

After she ran her order, Martin asked Dusty, “How are you just going to hit on her like that? That can’t ever work for you.”

Dusty half chuckled half scoffed at his younger cook, “see greenhorn, that is why you remain a virgin. These waitresses and hostesses are the only women I come in contact with besides the convenience store clerks I buy my beer and cigs from, and the cops who pull me over, and all that hitting on those got me was child support and parole. I gotta get what I can get where I can get it, and it turns out that these waitresses are my favorite kind of women anyway.”

“Oh I see, and what kind of woman is that?” Martin asked anticipating something sexist.

“College girls,” Dusty said wistfully as he stared into the distance and exhaled his cigarette into the hood vent.

“Aren’t you a little old to be dating College girls,” Martin said, “I mean you’re like forty.”

“Of course I’m too old to be dating College girls, and I have been for the past five years, but that hasn’t stopped me. Also, assbag, I’m only 33.”

“That’s ridiculous, why would they want you? Also, you look rough for 33 dude. Like seriously, take a night off from the drinking and cocaine from time to time.”

“That oiled leather appearance of my skin is a finely cultivated part of my presentation to the ladies. They are attracted to confident dangerous looking older men.” Dusty said smiling.

“Oh, I get it now. So that is what the tribal tattoo is for as well?” Martin asked.

Dusty nodded and launched into the meat of his lecture, “Yes now you’re starting to understand. When a college girl is on vacation from school and comes to a destination like the Outer Banks, why would she want to get with a guy your age? She is surrounded by them all year back at college. Plus she might develop feelings for you, and be stuck in a relationship with some one, no offense, below her on the social ladder. No, she wants to be able to check off that summer fling box on her OBX bucket list with a sexy-bad-boy-older-guy. Fortunately for me there are very few of us, seeing as most people my age have their shit together or are at least in a long term relationship. So you see I am not taking advantage of these girls, as you are not so subtly alluding to, I am giving them something they want.”

“Why would the girls want STD’s?” Martin said while chuckling to himself.

“No, you dense degenerate, I give them a chance to have a night they will never forget, to regret. They need to have a fling with me to remind them to aspire for a better man. That is why I succeed the most with girls on the rebound or with Daddy issues. They use our mediocre hookup as a jumping off point to launch their way up to their next relationship.”

“It all makes sense now,” said Martin in awe, “You help them regain confidence and vision for their own lives, while getting to sleep with women who should be out of your league, all the while never having to expose yourself to any sort of feelings. It’s like a win win or sorts except you remain a loser. You have to teach me your ways!”

“That is what I have been trying to do for weeks now!” Dusty exclaimed, “Now let’s start your training. When Maggie comes in here to pick up this basket of crab balls, tell her after that she needs to get to work on grabbing your balls. See what I did there? I made a play on words. Crab – grab, get it?”

“Are you sure? That sounds like sexual harassment,” Martin said with trepidation.

“Dude if you are going to take my place, you have to learn my way. I only have like two more years of this working, but I won’t figure that out for about seven years. In that time, your going to need to be stepping into my shoes and picking up the ones that fall through the cracks. There is work to be done bro. These college girls aren’t getting any younger… or older.”

 

National Hurricane Center – The Outer Banks of North Carolina is in danger of having a week ruined by another visit from the low pressure system that is Guy Fieri. The National Flavor Service has issued a Fieri watch for most of the Outer Banks. Governor Cooper has authorized a temporary state of emergency, and the Dare County Flavor Action Response Team has been called into action. The sale of Alcohol has been partially suspended with Whiskey (plastic bottles only), Tequila, and Corporate Beer being prohibited. Craft beer, wine, and clear liquors are still available. The sale of ranch and barbecue sauce has also been suspended.

Residents are preparing to protect their houses and evacuate. We talked to some of them:

“I can’t do this again!” said longtime local Stanley Daniels, “Last time this guy came around I had 3 inches of sauce in my living room. Insurance says they don’t cover what they call ‘acts of guy.'”

“Don’t get me  wrong. I love Guy, but for two weeks after his visit my husband was drinking Imodium like it was sweet tea,” said Manteo hair stylist, Debra Sulkowski.

“I don’t know if I can afford the economic impact of another Fieri storm,” said Jacob Arsborne or Duck, “I maxed out my credit card with all the eating out I had to do after his OBX shows aired.”

Speaking of economic impact, many restaurants are worried about having to close for days in the Summertime again. Some were shut down for up to three days the last time Fieri made landfall.

Not all Dare County residents are evacuating. Some brave locals are going to ride it out.

“Grill is lit, beer in the cooler, generator is on standby for when the power goes out. The only place we are evacuating to is Flavortown!” was the answer Daniel Garcia gave for his reason he is staying.

And then there is Joseph Harllow, and his unique ideas about avoiding the storm. “I have dyed my hair white, and I have prepared a bed of coals over which I will sacrifice two racks of ribs covered in my homemade Jim Beam Honey Glaze. This along with playing rock music from the early 2000’s should appease the Fieri, and spare my family.”

OBX Report will be on the scene with moment to moment reporting. We have reporters armored with bio-hazard suits, and news vans that can sustain Guy farts of up to 60 knots. News updates will come in as we receive more information from the National Flavor Service.

 

Kill Devil Hills – An area father desperately tried to convince his children they didn’t need to go to the new water park.  Having just paid rent and the other bills, he was dangerously short on cash. With tickets running around $50 bucks a head, he decided to try to offer his kids a thrifty alternative.

“See you can get just as wet here in the yard as you can all the way up in Currituck, and we don’t have to go over that scary bridge!” He said to his daughter, Emily.

“Last time I was crying on the bridge, you said it wasn’t scary,” Emily replied confused.

“Don’t you go making her scared of that bridge, Charlie, you cheap idiot. We will never get her to go to Grandma’s house again,” His wife yelled from the porch.

“Okay, Okay, you’re right, the bridge isn’t scary, but this tarp is just as fun. If you get a running start you can go faster than any ride at the water park.”

Emily’s response was a scowl.

“At the water park there are a bunch of lines. You don’t want to wait in lines do you sweetie? No one likes that. Here it is just you and your brother, and you can slip and slide as much as you want.”

“I hate my brother,” Emily said as her brother nodded silently, “I wanna play with my friends, and all of them are at the water park!”

Sensing he was losing the argument, he decided to try a new line of reasoning. “What about the pee? Everyone is peeing everywhere. Thousands of people all peeing on each other, and swimming in pee!”

“Charlie!” His wife screamed from the porch

“I thought you weren’t supposed to pee in the pool dad. You said never pee in the pool!”

“Right, and you never should, but you can’t trust tourists. Remember what I told you about tourist.”

“When Ohio sends its tourist to us, they aren’t sending their best,” she recited earnestly.

“That’s right. So now are you going to tell your mother that you don’t want to go to the water park?”

“No,” Emily said as her mother came down the steps with all the beach bags.

“Go get your bathing suit on and get in the car Charlie. These beers I hid in my bag are getting hotter by the minute.”

Defeated and despondent, Charlie walked into the house to retrieve his bathing suit.