Author: Goatman

Kill Devil Hills – Wallace Burnham, a local part time cook, has a problem with the town he lives in placing limits on height. “This is a violation of my rights as an American! If I wanna get baked, that is between me, God, and the shadow people that live in the walls,” he said from his friends couch which doubles as his residence.

“I’m pretty sure they were talking about how tall hotels can be, Wally,” his friend interjected from the other couch.

Wallace was having none of that, “Nah man that’s how the government works. They say one thing and do another. First they come for your hotels, then next thing you know, the SWAT team is in here writing tickets for getting too high. Then everyone has an RFID chip in the butt hole to keep track of you. Just wait, don’t say I didn’t tell you. It is ridiculous too. They capped it at 42? Do they even smoke? Everyone knows the highness scale goes from zero to ten. Forty two?! What is the Hitch Hikers Guide? You wouldn’t even get there if you were doing gravity bong hits of glass with a stomach full of edibles.”

His friend, having read the article and being actually correct, nodded in the way he always does when Wallace starts on one of his theories. His own thoughts wondering to which hat will match his koozie when he goes to the beach later.

The OBX Report tried to contact the Kill Devil Hills commissioners on Facebook, but got distracted by some videos about a cat who learned to drive. We will just assume they would not want to comment on this. We were able to speak to the Mayor’s gardener’s sister, who told us that weed is actually illegal so any high level is currently banned, but like the stop signs on Bay drive and dogs on the beach policy they are often ignored by locals.

The NC Fisheries Commission says it has heard the concerns of local shrimp fishermen affected by the recent decision by the Commission to put greater limits on shrimp trawling and that they are working with N.C. GOP Chairman Robin Hayes to draft rules that will mitigate the impact on the shrimping industry.

Specifically, the rule change will allow shrimp boat captains to battle to the death on the open sea using traditional weapons such as gaffs, spearguns, pitchforks, blowtorches and pliers. The winning captain will be able to claim possession of the losing captain’s boat and gear. Combat will be filmed by the National Geographic Channel for their Wicked Tuna companion show, Deadly Shrimp.

Hayes stated that the rules create a “win-win” situation for everyone. “First, it will reduce the total number of shrimp operators, meaning there will be more shrimp to go around for everyone who survives. Second, the state will receive incredible revenues from Nat Geo for filming rights. And, most importantly, with fewer shrimp fishermen I will not have to listen to as much bitching.”

Local reaction has not been mixed: there has been universal condemnation from every corner of the fishing industry concerning the proposed rule change. Lew and Al Cinder, owners of the shrimp boat “Hook Shot,” reacted with dismay to the news.

“I mean, I know they’ve been figuratively trying to kill the commercial fisherman for the last twenty years,” said Lew Cinder. “But this is insane.”
In keeping with supporting all things Dare County opposes Representative Beverly “the Bos” Boswell has signed on to the rule change, though technically speaking it is not a piece of legislation that she is allowed to co-sponsor nor is she a member of the NC Fisheries Commission.

The Outer Banks is about to experience the taste of deregulation when the highly controversial “Exotic Cuisines” restaurant chain opens its first franchise on the Outer Banks in early April 2017. Founded in China in 2010 by world-famous gourmand Chiang Kai-Chef, Exotic Cuisines immediately drew the ire of environmental and conservation groups by featuring such menu items as Fin Whale soup and Javan Rhino kebabs. Mr. Chef, a multi-millionaire developer, claims all species appearing on his menu were harvested as part of legitimate scientific research projects.

“Every year, hundreds of whales are studied by Japan for legitimate scientific purposes,” Mr. Chef said. “For example, our Fin Whale came from an experiment to see how much blood loss the whale could survive before dying. Very important research. But they don’t need the whole whale after the study, so we buy the rest. No waste!”

Until this year the Endangered Species Protection Act essentially made it impossible for Mr. Chef to do business in the United States, but the political landscape is rapidly changing and with it the rules that protect domestic threatened species from human predation. Where conservation groups see extinction events, Mr. Chef sees opportunity.

The Outer Banks location will be headed by culinary expert, Chef Jimbro Skillet, a Louisiana Native who trained for years under French Chef Simon Le Poubelle before moving to China to apprentice for  Chiang Kai-Chef.  He will also be joining the staff of the OBX Report to write our food and recipe column.

“The Outer Banks has an incredible diversity of scarce marine life. Many rare migratory birds also stop by your area. These give us an opportunity to present our patrons with dishes found nowhere else in the world,” said Chef Jimbro. “I can’t wait to get my hands on all the local creatures I can, so I can show people down here there is more to food than burgers and pizza. We picked an excellent location. You can tell because it has been the site of 8 previous restaurants!”

In anticipation of an “incredible” response to their grand opening, Exotic Cuisines has pre-published its menu and is already accepting reservations and orders. Among the delicacies being offered are Hawksbill Turtle crepes, Manatee fricassee and grilled Roseate tern. Luminaries such as EPA chief Scott Pruitt, rocker Ted Nugent and that Japanese tourist from last year have already confirmed their attendance and Chef Jimbro hopes their star power will draw others with what he calls “curious palates.”

A report from U.S.A. News has named The Outer Banks of North Carolina as a top destination for spousal homicide. The report compared thousands of beach communities from across the country on a number of criteria, and the OBX came out in the top 5! Citing the beautiful beaches and scenic sunsets, U.S.A. News sung the praises of our little island chain, thrusting us into the national spotlight once again.

“I for one am thrilled,” said Outer Banks Mayor, Manny Daniels, “We have been desperately needing a way to fill these cottages in the shoulder season, and the Marathon, bike week, and seafood festival were not cutting it. These homicidal visitors are likely to take their wives out to dinner a few times before they murder them.”

“Hiding the bodies was one of the top features that pushed the OBX higher on our list,” said U.S.A. Newslady Sharron Peterson, “the abundance of canals and swamps makes it really easy to ditch your wife without being seen. Also the wildlife is likely to destroy all the evidence before anyone finds her. Between blue crabs, raccoons, and coyotes, there won’t be much left for to find.”

Other factors that led to the Outer Banks placing high on the list included easy boat rentals, overworked and understaffed police forces, beautiful lighthouses, and loose sandy soil for quick digging. Local’s lack of care or interest in the visitors, was noted, but not factored into the ranking.

Some citizens were concerned that this might not bring in the type of clientele the Outer Banks is known for. “I don’t think it is a group we should advertise to,” said local restaurant owner, Derick Simpson, “We are a family destination, and these guys are in doing the opposite of making families. It’s not like they are going to bring their kids with them when they come down here to murder their wives. Even if they do that, I’m guessing those kids won’t be returning here to vacation as adults. I wouldn’t exactly be visiting the place where my dad offed my mom with my family. I don’t think it is a good long term strategy for our brand.”

“I can’t wait for this place to become the Cabot Cove of the South,” said local Agatha Christie fan, Judy Fletcher, “I hope me catching all the killers doesn’t hurt our ranking, but you know me. I just can’t help myself. Aha ha ha.”

 

 

Turtle enthusiasts have long debated​ about what is the best food for their pets. Do Red-Eared Sliders prefer lettuce or carrots? Should you give your Eastern Box Turtle kale or snap beans? Dr. Elize Segar, a professor of Herpetology at ​the College of the Albemarle, refuses to be drawn into the preference debate, but he does warn turtle owners about one food they should not to feed their hard-shelled friends: spinach.

“​Spinach dramatically affects ​a turtle’s metabolism,” said Dr. Segar. “It causes a rapid increase in respiration​ and ​heart rate and triggers a continuous adrenal dump into the​ animal’s bloodstream.”

Dr. Segar said turtles fed spinach gain incredible temporary strength and are able to shatter the glass sides of terrariums, lift other household pets many times their size, and leap several feet in the air.

“This is not a lethal threat with our local box and Slider turtles,” said Dr. Segar. “The most a Yellow Belly Slider is going to do to you on Spinach is break a few bones, but can you imagine the damage a giant Loggerhead might cause? They weigh over 800 pounds. That would be like three John Cena’s landing on you from the top of the turnbuckle all at the same time. Serious injury would be inevitable; death very likely.”

In response, Kill Devil Hills has instituted a no spinach policy at their turtle pond, and hired a retired drug canine as a spinach sniffing dog to make sure the park goers are not holding this dangerous leaf. So far there have been no attempts at turtle doping, but the dog seems very interested in the guys at the skate park.

Turtles inadvertently fed spinach should be placed in a quiet environment where they will not be easily startled or incited to violence. The metabolic effects from the spinach can last anywhere from 5 minutes to several hours. Dr. Segar said his team is studying various remedies to spinach consumption and has found some promise in a olive oil based topical cream.

Southern Shores – Driving along US 158 in Dare County the perceptive visitor might notice the area boasts a remarkable number of churches. From the Holy Redeemer Catholic Church in Kitty Hawk to the United Methodist Church in Hatteras, there are over two dozen houses of worship dotting the island. And until last Thursday, they all represented branches or denominations of Christianity.

Thursday witnessed the grand opening of the Temple of the Jedi Order of Southern Shores. Yes, the Jedi are a real religion. They have their own symbols, tenants and Wikipedia page. Since 2001, when people first began recording their religion as “Jedi” on the U.S. Census, the movement has steadily grown and in 2010 the Jedi now represent a whopping 62% of religious adherents in Dare County (see chart).

The Master of the Jedi Temple, OBX-wan Kenobi, offered his insight on why the Jedi Faith has suddenly become so popular:

“We stand for goodness, protect the weak, believe in the sanctity of all life, support the ban on plastic bags, and we don’t discriminate. I mean, any being can become a Jedi You think we care if are gay or straight? Heck, the Ophrys of Apifera Prime are hyper-intelligent self-pollinating plants and dozens of them are Jedi! The other thing is we don’t tithe. Heck, we don’t even pass the plate in our assemblies. We’re the best bargain in the faith community by a parsec.”

For the most part, the Temple’s new neighbors have been “cautiously welcoming” of the Jedi. Many, such as Mayor/Crooner Tony Bennett, see the benefits of having lightsaber wielding defenders of justice as part of the community. He noted that, as opposed to other religious institutions which are “taxbase freeloaders who have never been welcome in Southern Shores” the Jedi Temple will save Southern Shores money.

“They’re going to take care of all the law and order issues, so we won’t need to pay for a police force anymore,” said Bennett. “And after Master Kenobi negotiated with the CEO of Great Lakes Dredge and Dock we got a fantastic offer for our beach nourishment project. It’s win-win for our citizens.”

Others, such as resident Gary Loracs, like that the Jedi have a deep appreciation for nature and feel they will have a positive influence on the weak minded town council members who Loracs described as “anti-tree.”

But not everyone is so sanguine about the arrival of the Jedi. Darth Midgett, Southern Shores most famous curmudgeon, was outspoken about the Jedi and the Jedi Temple in a recent Facebook rant. He described the Jedi as “space snowflakes” who refuse to accept that “the Dark Side is the only way.”

The Jedi Temple is open to visitors from 11:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. and welcomes the public to come and learn more about their Order.

Camden – Uriah Cardmartin is feeling lucky  this week after reposting his Taco Bell sign on Craigslist again. Repeated attempts at selling the sign have resulted in offers, but his hopes are high.

“I been trying to hock this sign for a good couple years, but no body wants to give me a fair price on it. I gots plenty of time though. I can wait,” Uriah said while leaning on the hood of his 1984 Buick Le Saber.

Anyone who frequents the OBX craigslist will be familiar with seeing this Taco Bell sign for sale, that is of course if you are looking in the collectibles for sale section and not the personal W4M personal adds.

“I keep adding astrisks signs cause I think that makes it look more important! People are like ‘oh shit this thing has a ton of ******* around it. That mean’s this thing is totally worthy buying.'”

Uriah is also selling a some barbies and usually a tail light cover for a BMW. One has to admire the dedication of a person willing to post outrageously priced weekly updates to an item that has almost no chance of being bought in the first place.

“I got 4 Pekingeses and they need their Alpo wet food! It takes me a lot of time to post these adds since my Gateway P.C. ain’t as fast as it used to be, but I get it done. I like to go back and delete my old post then repost it so it gets higher up on the list. I call that ‘jumping’ my post.”

 

Nags Head – Ted Dibiase the managing partner of Money, Inc., LLC, the financial advisory group retained to study economic opportunities in Dare County made his final presentation to the Board of High Commissioners last week. The presentation, titled “Growth Realized: Economic Enterprises in Dare” (G.R.E.E.D.)  lasted over three hours and included a 15 minute intermission as well as a corporate chair massage for the Commissioners.

Mr. Dibiase’s recommendations were broken down into three “ strategic ambitions” which broadly covered the areas of the Outer Banks where he identified “excellent opportunities for exploitation”: Land, Sea and Hatteras.

The featured proposal for the “Land” portion of the plan was the construction the Lost Colony Experience Theme Park which would allow visitors to experience the rigors or early American colonization by stranding them with minimal supplies in Nags Head Woods. Mr. Dibiase said that popular television programs such as “Survivor” and “Man vs. Wild” lead his team to believe the attraction could bring hundreds of extra visitors to the County, particularly during the shoulder seasons.

High Commissioner Shade pointed out that the plan sounded very “tourist based”. Mr. Dibiase responded that this was “Level D” tourism whereas tourist activities normally associated with the Outer Banks such as fishing, sunbathing and binge drinking were categorized as “Level A” tourism activities.

Money, Inc., LLC’s proposal for Sea-Based economic growth included having the Public Relations Office post locations of sunken ships from the Spanish Silver Fleet on Reddit, Pinterest and Craig’s List. Dare County would create an “Office of Treasure Hunters” and sell licenses to those coming to find the offshore fortune. Mr. Dibiase expected to see a tangential economic boom in the dive store industry. Objections from High Commissioner Loveseat that the Spanish Silver Fleet never sailed near the Outer Banks were waved off by Mr. Dibiase as a “technicality.”

Mr. Dibiase’s most controversial proposal involved Hatteras Island, specifically Cape Point. Based on his staff’s calculations, Cape Point reaches far enough into international waters to avoid falling under the jurisdiction of the United States government. As such, it would be “technically legal” for Dare County to begin a counterfeiting operation on the easternmost tip of Cape Point and print their own money.

“The positive economic impact of being able to churn out your own currency cannot be overstated,” Dibiase said in his closing remarks. “With proper wealth management strategies, every resident in Dare County could be a millionaire within 8 to 16 months.”
Dare County Highest Commissioner Rooster Crowcall told Mr. Dibiase he would need time to study the proposal further but said that at first blush “G.R.E.E.D. sounds good.”

Dare County’s Representative to the State House, Beverly Boswell, introduced a  bill stating life begins at conception. The idea is that by declaring a fertilized egg a person, abortions would be illegal.

Wait wait wait a minute this isn’t satire. This is real. We aren’t making this up. WTF? Seriously? Sounds like something crazy we would make up on this site. No need for jokes on this one; it is already laughable.

 

The internet/phone/cable service giant Charter/Spectrum has announced plans to schedule service outages at more convenient times for their customers. The move was primarily driven by Charter’s CEO Thomas Rutledge’s being “over” the whining from Charter customers.

“Somehow, our customers have gotten the company’s email, phone number and corporate headquarters address,” said Rutledge in a press conference held earlier this morning. “And there was frankly a lot of pointless griping. They don’t seem to understand we’ve got a company to run and most importantly profits to make.”

A review by the OBX Report of outages affecting the Outer Banks over the past five years showed 6% caused by solar flares, 14% related to severe weather, 19% due to panda-related activities such as nesting and foraging and a whopping 51% of the outages due to no reason whatsoever. It’s that last percentage that has locals incensed and demanding change.

“Reliable internet service is crucial to our business,” said Kitty Meyow of the First Sperm Bank of Manteo. “As you might imagine, production tends to fall off when we lose connectivity.”

Beginning in 2017 Charter/Spectrum will allow customers to choose times when it will be more convenient for them to lose service. Customers will still have to lose a minimum of 39 hours of service a month but the ability to pick and choose when they will not have service should mitigate some of the impact.