OBX Report

Nags Head – Last Sunday evening, a local man placed a frantic call to the Dare County Sheriff’s Office 911 Communications Center. A transcript of the call follows:

24 July 2016, 5:17 p.m.

(DC911)  Dare County 911.

(WW)  Hello, ah, this is Willett Wescott. You’ve got to help me!

(DC911)  What is the nature of your emergency, Mr. Wescott?

(WW)  Oh, please, hurry. I’m trapped!

(DC911)  And what is your location, sir?

(WW)  I’m in the Nags Head Food Lion. The old one, not the new one.

(DC911)  You say you are trapped? How are you trapped, sir? Is somebody holding you against your will?

(WW)  I’m back by the beer cooler. God only knows how I got this far, but I can’t get out now. The carts, they are everywhere, jammed up one against the other. People are being crushed!

(DC911)  Sir, leave your groceries behind and try to work your way to the front of the store.

(WW)  It’s too late, too late, I tell you. I am pinned up against the IPA’s. Every checkout line is open, but the lines stretch all the way to the back of the store. This is never going to clear. We’re all going to die in here!

(DC911)  Please stay calm, sir. I am dispatching police to assist you.

(WW)  You don’t understand. They are like locusts. There was a flat with hundreds of cases of Bud Light, and they just swarmed over it. It was gone in three minutes.

(DC911)  Can you climb up into the cooler, sir?

(WW)  I’m doing the best I can, but I think I am wedged in too tightly. For the love of God, they are even taking the Bud Light Cheladas. Cases of them. It has Clamato in it. Has the world gone mad?

(DC911)  Please remain calm, sir. Officers are en route.

(WW)  I . . . I think I’m going to pass out. Tell my wife I love her.

[End of call.]

Police arrived at the site minutes later, but found that they could not gain access to the store in their vehicles due to the heavy traffic. Attempts were made to reach the front door on foot, but after three officers were taken out in the parking lot by children swinging boogie boards and swim noodles it was decided to call in a helicopter.

The chopper was landed on the roof of the supermarket, the roof was breached, and a line was dropped to the barely conscious Mr. Wescott. He was lifted out of the crush of shopping carts and airlifted to the Outer Banks Hospital on the other end of the parking lot. A full recovery is expected.

A spokesperson for the Nags Head Police Department later released a statement: “This underlines our frequent reminders to the locals to avoid grocery shopping on turnover days. Even strong shoppers can be swept up in the crush of arriving visitors and never seen again. Remember, when the red ‘No Shopping’ flags are out, just stay home, and always be aware of the yellow warning flags in front of known tourist currents.”

Yesterday afternoon, Dexter Gillespie and Sherman Anderson were arrested on charges of public mortal combat last Monday after the two came to blows over who could claim a rare Blastoise Pokemon found behind Jockey’s Ridge in Nags Head. Nags Head Police arrived on the scene to find the men sprawled in the sand, exhausted, after their seven second slugfest.

Incidents of Pokemon Go players duking it out over difficult-to-find Pokemon characters like Aerodactyl and Snorlax have increased 100% since the release of the popular game. Nags Head Police spokesman Uma Thuman said that the violence has stretched their department’s resources to capacity.

“We get a crazy number of calls about these Nerd Rage incidents. These guys fight in beach accesses, people’s yards, and in the waiting area of local restaurants. They fall out and become a hazard to pedestrian and vehicular traffic, so our officers have to deal with them. The Chief has asked me to relay that, contrary to rumors, there is NOT a Ditto Pokemon in his office.”

Local Doctor Expresses Concern

Dr. L. McCoy has been a pediatrician for 20 years. He has seen fads come and go that have posed a risk to his patients (he cites “Heely’s” and “Crocs” as two of the more harmful in recent memory) but Pokemon Go has reached new levels of danger.

“Look, for the last 6 or 7 years these kids have been sitting in a basement playing World of Warcraft or Call of Duty. Their fingers are in great shape. The rest of them, not so much. Suddenly, they’re out running around looking for digital creatures in every imaginable nook and cranny and they are simply not up to the task physically.”

Meniscus tears, dislocated shoulders and Achilles injuries now pile up in Dr. McCoy’s waiting room on a daily basis. He says parents should encourage their kids to start slow with physical activity, perhaps climbing the stairs or cleaning their rooms, before playing Pokemon Go.

“Those kids on Jockey’s Ridge yesterday, I’m amazed they made it to the top,” said Dr. McCoy. “Besides having a criminal record, I’d bet they are recovering from a nasty case of sunstroke.”

The owner of the popular Outer Banks snack shop “Got Your Nuts”, Charles Xavier (no relation), has seen his 25 year battle for justice end in a 4-4 decision at the United States Supreme Court. This means the 4th Circuit Court’s decision against Nags Head resident Charles Xavier (no relation) will stand and Xavier’s crusade against the OBX brand has come to an end.

“I have no words,” Xavier said in a press conference held Thursday from his carport. “Well, I do have words, obviously, I am using them. But I don’t understand the Court’s decision. It’s judicial inactivisim and it’s just wrong.”

Xavier’s fight began in 1991 shortly after  Kurt Douglas (no relation) launched the soon-to-be-iconic “OBX” logo that has become a staple of Outer Banks’ merchandise everywhere. Xavier took exception to the “X” in “OBX” claiming in a pro se lawsuit that the “X” was a violation of his 1st, 2nd, 21st and 28th Amendment rights.

Xavier argument is familiar to judges from the Albemarle Sound to the Potomac.  “What’s the ‘X’ for? It doesn’t make any sense. There’s no “X” anywhere in the words ‘Outer Banks’. It stand for nothing and everyone knows if you stand for nothing you fall for anything.”

In an unusual split across political lines, Justices Thomas, Roberts, Kagan and Ginsburg and all voted to retain the “X” while Justices Alito, Sotomayor, Kennedy and Breyer voted to have it removed. Breaking with his traditional vow of silence, Justice Thomas remarked during oral arguments that based on his understanding of the goings-on during the summer on the Outer Banks, an “X” rating was appropriate while Justice Sotomayor said that she had actually visited the Outer Banks and found it to have a “family friendly” atmosphere to which an “X” rating did not apply.

Kim Kardashian (no relation) the manager at Xavier’s “Got Your Nuts” store said that her boss will likely drown his sorrows in bourbon and then get back to work. She indicated the store has no intention of altering its own merchandising to incorporate the “OBX” moniker and will continue to sell only OBGYN t-shirts and bumper stickers to patrons.

“If you want any of that OBX crap, go to Wings,” Kardashian said.

Frisco – A father from Ohio was surprised recently when his family enjoyed a day at the beach. His 16 year old daughter Sarah’s bathing suit had some how changed from when they bought it. He was not pleased with the amount of coverage. “Maybe it shrank in the dryer,” he thought to himself.

He had been proud of his fatherly abilities the day they purchased it at the mall. He normally left the shopping up to his wife Anna, but she had a dentist appointment that day. Being the responsible good father that he was, he took Sarah to get some Summer beach wear. Not being a fan of his daughter being almost naked in public he told her firmly that she would not be getting one of those “revealing” bikinis. She showed him one, and they agreed it was modest, so he purchased it.

Now his wife is giving him a look. A look that says, “You bought her that?”

“Either she is wearing it differently, or she exchanged it for a different one with out me noticing,” he finally concluded. Upon realizing he had been outwitted by his teenage daughter he was struct with the thought that the only thing worse would be to admit it. In a stroke of fatherly brilliance he looked back at his wife and gave her the, “yeah I bought that for her, and I’m okay with it look.”

A sequel to the 2006 cult classic “Snakes on a Plane” is set to film major portions of the movie on the Outer Banks. Director J.J. Abrams described the new movie as a “historical fiction” piece that imagines what would have happened if a shipment of dangerous snakes had gotten loose from the baggage compartment of the Wright Flyer during Orville Wright’s famous first powered flight. Samuel L. Jackson plays Orville Wright and is joined by an all-star cast of actors he has worked with in past films. The OBX Report caught up with Abrams and Jackson while the two were scouting locations in Dare County for the film.

OBXR: Thank you for speaking with us. J.J., a lot of attention on the Outer Banks from Hollywood lately. Spielberg and Hanks are doing a special for HBO about the Wright Flight…

J.J.: Who?

OBXR: Right. Samuel L., you are reunited with a number of stars you’ve worked with in the past. Tim Robbins will be playing Wilbur to your Orville. You two made quite a team in Shawshank Redemption, do you think–

Jackson: That wasn’t me. That was Morgan Freeman.

OBXR: Oh, right. Well how about Bill Paxton playing the part of John T. Daniel, the man who snapped the famous picture? You and he appeared together in Independence Day and –

Jackson: Dude? Seriously? That was Will Smith. Come on.

OBXR: Yes, sorry! You’re in so many action films, I get a little mixed up. Now, Richard Gere is playing Adam Etheridge, one of the men working at the Kill Devil Hills Lifesaving Station. You guys haven’t worked together since Officer and a Gentleman and I wondered if you–

Jackson: Are you f—–g kidding me? Lou Gossett is like my grandpa! I’m out of here.

OBXR: No, I’m so sorry! Please one more question. We’ve heard a rumor that Eddie Murphy is going to play Will Dough.

Jackson: Yeah? Eddie’s great. Look forward to working with him.

OBXR: So you two were comedy gold in 48 Hours when you played the cop character and he was–

Jackson: G——n it! Is Kutcher hiding in a closet? You’re f—-g with me right? That was Nick Nolte, man. Do your homework.

Jackson left the interview at that point. We asked J.J. Abrams what he felt was going to be the biggest challenge making this movie, besides his prima donna leading man.

J.J.: Well, from a storytelling point, it’s going to be tough. Orville’s flight lasted 12 seconds and that’s not much time for backstory and tension building before the snakes make their escape. Actually, I’m thinking we might change things up and have the snakes break loose during the fourth flight. Wilbur flew nearly a minute. Gives us a lot more time to get the audience engage and have a climatic showdown with the snakes. Sam will be disappointed, but he is a pro. He didn’t want his character to die in Turner and Hooch, but he realized that artistically, it was the only way for that flick to end.

OBXR: Wait? Who’d he play in that one?

J.J.: Hooch.

OBXR: Wasn’t Hooch the dog?

J.J.: Oh, snap. Yeah.

OBXR: It’s okay. Sam’s been in a lot of mother effing movies. Easy to get confused.

 

Nags Head – Arnold Clarkson knew from the moment he booked a beach vacation this was a possibility. He cursed himself silently. “I knew we should have gone camping instead,” he muttered to himself.

“Dad!” his daughter cried loudly, “Mom said it’s your turn to take me into the water.”

“Well, here we go,” he said despondently, “I’m really sorry you all have to see this.” With that he slowly removed his shirt, revealing love handles, a spare tire, and a beer gut. His dark chest hair was everywhere and even looked liked it had grown to his shoulders and arms. He let out a defeated sigh, and escorted his daughter to the water.

Manteo – In a move that local business leaders call long overdue, permits have been issued to open three Wings stores in Manteo over the next ten months. They will be the first of several stores, with plans to eventually space them so that, as attorney Donald Harlotte recites from the jingle, “from every single Wings store, you should see one more.”
The first is scheduled to open by Thanksgiving on the site of the former Duke of Dare Motor Lodge. Developers of the prime location on Highway 64/264 will soon raze the outdated fifties-style motel and replace it with the bright yellow and white structure that tourists have come to expect from the chain.
The second location, a Super Wings, should begin construction at the beginning of December at the location formerly occupied by The Weeping Radish restaurant. States Harlotte: “What better way to celebrate the season than by welcoming our second Roanoke Island store next to an Outer Banks holiday institution, the Christmas Shop? Plus, we will also offer a selection of discount Christmas ornaments and merchandise at that location.”
The third store, slated to open by May 2017, has generated some controversy, as it will replace the historic courthouse building in downtown Manteo. “Of course, we respect the history of Dare County as much as the next guy, but we believe that construction is what drives the economy of this town, this state, and this nation. The jobs that this store will bring will be far more important to the citizens of Manteo than an old pile of bricks could ever be, and the art gallery housed in the current structure simply cannot attract the customer traffic the way a Wings can.”
Harlotte praises the local government for acting in the best interest of the people: “For years, it was almost impossible to tear down anything in this county, and even harder to bring in the strong chain stores that people want and need here. I think that we can all be grateful that the more business-friendly elected officials in local and state government finally understanding that it is the job-creators that keep food on our tables, that it is profit that drives progress, and that greed is good.”
Blues and Coastal Edge are currently awaiting permit approval for locations on Roanoke Island, and it is rumored that the long-awaited Super Target is scouting locations on the north end.

Duck – From the “life imitates art” files, local inventor Dr. Emmett Braun has taken the shoe phone concept popularized by Don Brown’s “Get Smart” character and added a beach themed twist. His Flip Flop Phone are being worn by approximately 100 volunteers throughout Dare County to test range, durability, water resistance and foot fungus exposure.

“Flip phones are making a comeback,” Dr. Braun explained to the OBX Report. “And flip flops are the most popular footwear on the beach. It’s a natural pairing.

“When you are at the beach your hands are full of chairs, towels and those stupid inflatable dolphins nobody ever plays with. If you are a woman in a bikini or one of those Euro wannabes wearing a man thong  you don’t have pockets and so where better to carry your phone than on your foot?”

According to Dr. Braun, testers have reported a few issues that will require some tweaking before the phones are made available to the general public. When set to “vibrate” the flip flop phone creates a tickling sensation which has caused several people to fall to the ground with uncontrolled laughing. Several wearers have inadvertently “heel dialed” random people and at least one tester accidentally took over 700 pictures of the arch of his foot before realizing the camera function had been activated.

But the main drawback to the flip flop phone seems to be the perpetually cracked screens caused by wearers repeatedly stepping on the phone. Dr. Braun admits technology has a ways to go to catch up with his genius and until a more durable screen material is invented, the phones may never leave the beta testing stage.

“I guess you could wear a phone on your wrist, but that seems a little silly,” said Dr. Braun. “You’d have to hold it up to your ear to hear it then everybody would think you were checking to see if your watch was broken. If you are holding a flip flop to your ear you are obviously talking on a cool new flip flop phone or trying to hear the ocean.”

Hatteras – Trixie Blaine, vacationing on Hatteras Island this week with her family, excitedly related the surprising changes in her husband since arriving on the coast of North Carolina.

Ms. Blaine explains, “For the last seven months, I have been after Duane to dig up a row of dead shrubs out behind our house in White Pass, Virginia. Every weekend he promises to get the shovel out and take care of them, but I always find him later sitting on the couch, drinking Keystone Light and binge-watching Saved By The Bell. Says digging hurts an old football injury in his back, like he ever got off the bench.”

At this, Ms. Blaine sighs, refills her wine glass from a box of pink zinfandel, and takes an exasperated sip before continuing, “Well, we get here on Sunday, unpack the car, and carry our beach chairs, and collapsible cabana, and bocce set, and jumbo Yeti cooler, and boogie boards, and Bluetooth speaker, and our three dogs, and Frisbees, and cornhole boards, and 27” water-resistant Bluetooth television set (Saved By The Bell again), and the kids down to the beach. So Duane gets it in his head that we need a fire pit. He gets a shovel out of our duffel bag–oh, yeah, I forgot to mention the duffel–and starts digging.”

Surprisingly, Ms. Blaine again pauses to refill her glass with the lurid pink wine, seems to have lost her train of thought for a moment, belches softly, then continues, “Of course, I thought he would take about two shovelfuls and collapse like back home, but no! He just keeps on digging and digging and digging. He must have spent three hours with that shovel. And he only had six Keystone Lights the whole time. I don’t know what to call that other than a miracle.”

Duane Blaine ended up digging a hole that was eight feet across and six feet deep before he finally struggled out of the hole and stared at the hole for another two hours as if it somehow contained the meaning of life. From his wife’s statement, he appeared to be a changed man after the experience.

When asked about his miraculous conversion, he stated only, “Um. I don’t know. Tomorrow, though, I’m going to carry heavy boxes up stairs. And clean the gutters. And it isn’t even my house!”

An unfortunate footnote to the story–That night, a young couple walking along the beach in the dark swerved to avoid the skeleton of the Blaines’ cabana and stumbled into the miracle hole, which Duane had neglected to refill. They sustained a broken arm, a dislocated shoulder, a torn ACL, and suffered multiple sea turtle bites from a turtle who also had become trapped in the hole.

Kill Devil Hills – There was a packed house at Monday’s meeting of the Kill Devil Hills Board of Wise Masters. On the agenda was a rule that would allow Talisa Westerling to open up a chain of Hirudotherapy Boutiques, otherwise known as “Leech Boutiques”. Leech Boutiques are the latest fad in New Age healing centers. They specialize in using leeches to alleviate medical conditions ranging from blood clots to bad humors. Westerling appeared before the Board to open a new store, “The Beach Leech” next to “R.B.’s Bait and Tackle” in the Dare Centre.

Kevin Federline, the president of the American Association of Leeches, spoke on behalf of Westerling at the meeting.

“They important role leeches play in medicine has almost been lost in time and to insurance companies. Leeches are magical creatures that can drain bad energies in the blood for a very reasonable remuneration.”

Westerling appeared before the board wearing a veil, which she dramatically lifted to show her face covered with leeches. The purpose of the demonstration was to show the harmless nature of leeches, but after Wise Master Fidgett jumped from his seat and screaming “Cthulhu Returns!” then bolted from the building, she replaced the veil.

The stunt worked against Westerling as Wise Master Fidgett was generally perceived as being one of the council members open to Leech Boutiques. In his absence the Wise Masters quickly held a vote and were deadlocked 2-2, meaning the motion to allow leeches on the beach failed to carry.

During public comment, Ramzie Boltin, owner of R.B’s Bait and Tackle, offered to purchase any inventory Westerling had stocked up that she would now not be able to use.