OBX Report

Kill Devil Hills – Dr. Prudence Lemmon, Director of Feminist Litigation for the American Civil Liberties Union, appeared at a news conference today to bring attention to what she calls “a disturbing gender bias in double-entendres used by local businesses.” The news conference, held in the First Flight High School auditorium, was attended by around fifty local feminists and representatives of both Hampton Roads and Greenville media outlets.

“While I personally find many of these salacious slogans and logos in very poor taste, I think that it is even more disturbing that they are all male-oriented. ‘Dirty Dick’s  is barely even a double-entendre for male parts, ‘I Got Your Crabs’ sounds like a juvenile male boast, the Spanky’s logo is quite suggestive of, well, you know what, and even the grocery store boasts that ‘You Can’t Beat Our Meat!'”

At this point, Dr. Lemmon had to pause in her statement, clearly flustered by the gender imbalance that she was describing. When she had collected herself, she continued, “Even the Lone Cedar restaurant got into the patriarchal act a few years ago when they offered T-shirts with the logo ‘Fastest Erection on the Beach’ to boast about the alacrity with which their building was constructed, which is similar to the one sold at the Brew Station that says ‘Largest Erection on the beach.'”

“Now, what do all of these naughty, suggestive words and pictures have in common?” asked Dr. Lemmon, fanning herself with her hand and pursing her lips sternly. “They each allude to male sexuality. Not a single slogan or logo referencing females in a sex-positive way anywhere in Dare County. What message is this sending to our daughters?”

In response to a reporter question about the Kitty Hawk Hooters restaurant, Dr. Lemmon scowled sourly and snapped back “Yes, and it went out of business, didn’t it? Evidently, on the Outer Banks if one wishes to be successful in business, one may refer leeringly only to the male apparatus. It is quite disconcerting!”

Dr. Lemmon finished by calling on all liberal feminists and any men who are not too blinded by their own testosterone to boycott all businesses with gender-specific double-entendres. She urged local business owners to be creative with gender-neutral or female empowering innuendos. She even suggested several herself, but none of these slogans will be appropriate to publish publicly until they appear on signs outside local businesses, but please feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comments.

Two merchant vessels lost to U-boat

Elizabeth II heroes hailed as heroes

Manteo – Young John Moore noticed the strange object cutting through the water about 200 yards west of the Roanoke Marshes Lighthouse just after 8:00 p.m. The setting sun cast a long shadow behind what seemed to be an innocuous submerged steel pipe moving northwest at about 10 knots. Then Johnny realized that was no pipe.

“It were a periscope!” Moore told the OBX Report in an exclusive interview. “Just like in Call of Duty: Battleship! And I knew that could be meanin’ only one thing: Nazis.”

That “pipe” young Johnny spotted turned out to be a prelude to the most epic Throwback Thursday event the Outer Banks has ever witnessed. The Nazi U-boat, U-1055, presumed lost since April 23, 1945, had apparently been wandering the Atlantic for the past 70 years. A faulty radio on the sub had left the crew unaware of Germany’s surrender, and they’d continued to operate in the western part of the North Atlantic, sinking shipping in the area commonly referred to as the “Bermuda Triangle”.

As Johnny rushed to change the white over blue “Rain Warning” flag at the Manteo Weather Station to the black and red striped “Nazi Warning Flag,” U-1055 struck. Two torpedoes slammed into the starboard side of the Coy Mistress, a 35-ton pleasure craft, rupturing a spare gas can and sinking her with all hands on board. When reached for comment later, Penny Manfred, wife of the owner of the boat said “Good riddance to that bastard. I hope his hussy was right there with him.”

The U-boat changed course to intercept the Mighty Harry, a 2000 ton yacht hauling billionaires out of Tribeca. Captain Phil Oak gamely dodged the U-boat’s first salvo, but the second caught the Mighty Harry amidships, nearly tearing the vessel in half and sending it straight to the bottom of the Albemarle Sound.

U-1055, it’s torpedoes spent, surfaced to engage the sightseeing vessel Crystal Sunset with its deck gun, but by that time Johnny Moore’s Nazi warning flag had been spotted by the lookout of the Elizabeth II, a Victorian-era three master on a shakedown cruise with performers from the Lost Colony. Captain Stewart Parque ordered all sails set and moved to intercept at flank speed while the crew scrambled to load the Elizabeth II’s six 32 pound cannons.  

A student of history, Captain Clark said later that the fate of the USS Cumberland when she faced off against the CSS Virginia was very much on him mind. But Captain Parque, also a film student, was also keenly aware of a design flaw in the Type VIIC U-boat, where a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port, led directly to the reactor system.

“I knew a direct hit would disable the U-boat, possibly even causing it to explode in a magnificent fireball,” said Captain Parque.

With the German sub closing fast on the unarmed Crystal Sunset, Captarin Parque steered the Elizabeth II into an optimal firing position. He ordered a broadside fusillade and the last 32 pounder found its mark, scoring a direct hit on the sub’s thermal exhaust port. The subsequent chain reaction indeed caused the U-1055’s reactor to detonate, sending pieces of the sub flying as far away as Manns Harbor.

With the danger past, the Elizabeth II immediately began lifesaving efforts to rescue passengers and crew of the stricken vessels who had not yet realized they could stand up and walk to shore.

At the next Manteo Town Council Meeting, the Mayor will present Certificates of Sincere and Everlasting Appreciation to Captain Parque and his crew, as well as the sharp-eyed Johnny Moore.

Wanchese – Trevor Davis is in a bit of a conundrum. Being a local is probably the coolest thing about him. It is the reason he gets up in the morning, and the first line he goes to when he’s talking to a girl at the bar. Unfortunately for him, showing off your localness has become fashionable, and every one is doing it.

“I got nothing wrong with someone saying they are a local,” Trever declared to his friends at the bar, “but if you reppin’ Local as it Gets, you better not be born in Virginia, Steve.”

“I think your missing the point Trevor, it’s more a lifestyle thing. You know if you are wearing Ralph Lauren, Polo, or Tommy Bahama, you don’t have to be Ralph Lauren, play polo, or be from the Bahamas,” said no one to his face, because they didn’t want to get into it.

Not deterred by his friends lack of interest in the conversation, he went on, “I mean if your last name isn’t one of the local ones, how can you say you are as local as it gets? It doesn’t say ‘I’m a local, but my family moved here in the seventies,’ Darrel, no it says local as it gets.”

“Don’t think about it so technically,” Sharron interrupted from down the bar, “I grew up down here, and got a job in Richmond. I like the brand and what it represents.”

“What the fuck!,” Trevor exclaimed, “If you don’t live here? How can you be a local? That don’t make any sense. Dumbass. I bet you even got a Local sticker on your car with Virgina tags, don’t you.”

“What I can’t say I’m local cause I don’t live here anymore?” she asked.

“If you don’t live here, you ain’t from around here,” he replied patronizingly, “Next thing you know we will have people from Currituck saying they are local!” at this point he started yelling to the bar, “Is that what you want? We got people like Jimmy over here, who’s parents are from New Jersey, calling himself as local as it gets. Nah dude, my grandpa’s grandpa was friends with Blackbeard. My great great uncle fought in the Civil War here. My grandpa has been fishing these waters since before your family bought a cottage here. My mom was in the first production of the Lost Colony. My cousin, Terry, punched the guy who made the OBX sticker How you gonna say you as local as it gets?”

“I’m sure they are all so proud of how you turned out,” someone said  sarcastically.

At that point everyone felt bad for him, and decided to let him have his local pride since that is probably the only thing he has going for him.

 

Nags Head – Surprising everyone including himself, this past Wednesday Dick from Dirty Dick’s Crab House not only passed,  but aced the ServSafe exam. The ServSafe certification teachers employees proper food handling for restaurants.

“I have to admit, none of us thought he had a chance,” Exam proctor Debra Seather professed, “I mean with his name and all.”

“I’ve been to the restaurant. It was clean and the food was well kept. I just assumed they didn’t let him touch anything,” said health inspector Jessica Faber.

“I knew he was a poser,” local dirtbag and Collington resident Fred Williams exclaimed, “He just pretends to be dirty to sell crabs. Real dirt is a lifestyle.”

When asked how it felt to pass the exam, Dick rambled out some unintelligible sentences in his Southern Louisiana dialect as he nodded his head.

 

Kitty Hawk – A.J. Sutton is not just your average paddle boarder, he’s also a great guy. When he isn’t rescuing kittens for Feline Hope, or helping senior citizens work on puzzles at Spring Arbor, he’s catching some waves at the local break.

“You know surfing is where I find my me,” A.J. reflected, “A few hours out on the waves, and I’m recharged.”

Don’t take our word for it. Here are some locals who were willing to express their thoughts about A.J.

“A.J. is the best,” said Courtney Miranda, a volunteer coordinator for the Special Olympics, “He is always available and so good with the athletes.”

Rebecca Perndergast of Southern Shores told us, “One time my car is broken down, and I am going to be late to my granddaughter’s dance recital in Elizabeth City. A.J. pulled over to help, and insisted he drive me to the recital. He called his friend and had my car towed to a shop, and we both enjoyed the recital. I have pictures of him with my granddaughter.”

“I see him down on the beach picking up trash after he meditates,” lifeguard Debbie Johnson told us, “He always smiles and has time to chat about the weather or surf. I haven’t worked up the nerve to ask if he is single.”

“Dude rides a SUP to surf,” a local surfer said, “What a kook.”

 

Manteo – After a harrowing three-year expedition, Phil Amadas and Art Barlowe have successfully scouted out the long-rumored Western Passage on Roanoke Island. For decades, there have been legends of a western route on the island that completely avoided the busy Highway 64/264. After disappointing months poking down leads on Airport Road in search of this holy grail of traffic avoidance the pair was ready to give up, when they heard a rumor that renewed their hopes.

“One night at Poor Richard’s–it was trivia night, which I always win, by the way–an old wino told us about a trail beginning on Etheridge Road. He told us that if we journeyed until we saw the UPS terminal, we would find the breakthrough we had been looking for,” explained Amadas.

Barlowe added, “Of course, everybody knows about the Eastern Passage down Wingina from Mother Vineyard to Budleigh, then the jog over to Uppowoc behind COA over to 64. That route was discovered around 1953 by locals leaving The Lost Colony. It is a great way to avoid the traffic snarls on the highway, but mankind has longed for another detour to the west of the highway.”

And now they have it. When asked about the grueling journey, Amadas stated, “Well, we took the old wino’s hint and turned left on Driftwood down near the Maola plant. It seemed to wind around to nowhere, but we finally realized that we had made it to the prison and the SPCA. We kept going until we saw the highway up ahead once again. At that point we almost despaired of staying off the main drag.”

“Yes,” continued Barlowe, “But when we were at our lowest point, dehydrated and considering just running over to Hatchell’s for a Mountain Dew, some natives from Goat Town found us and led us to their homes. We stayed with them for several months, regaining our strength and trying to find the will to continue.”

And continue they did. Reaching Burnside, the pair explored leads off the confusingly curvy road, spending several weeks wandering bewildered in the wilds of Roanoak Village. Barlowe offers, “The roads there all seem to go in circles or to lead to dead ends. Whatever demon drew us into that subdivision certainly meant to lead us to perdition. Even the spelling is confounding.”

“But we finally escaped the Roanok doldrums, made it back to Burnside, and eventually discovered the settlement of Good Luck. When we later saw the great roundabout we were terrified. Why would a road intentionally go in a circle? And there was an icon of the local god in the middle, a vengeful deity holding a huge paddle. We camped there for three nights, then moved on with haste,” stated Amadas.

Eventually, the pair muscled through past landfills and water treatment plants to discover that they were on Bowsertown Road. Soon, the aroma of espresso and blueberry muffins reached their noses, and they stumbled, spent yet rejoicing, into the coffee shop on the highway. They had made it!

“Next, we will find a path that connects all the way down to the Midway Intersection,” insisted Barlowe. “As long as there are rainy day tourists, there will be a need for a bypass. Not like the one on the beach, though. God forbid!”

Citing research that shows a dramatic change in wave action along the North Carolina coast, the NC Division of Marine Fisheries has implemented a limit of three waves per surfer per day along the entire Outer Banks Coastline. The limit was made retroactive to July 1st. The status of the new regulations will be reevaluated after a period of three months.

“Our studies have shown that the intense amount of wave carving in the past year has dramatically impacted the height and quality of waves along the East Coast,” said Skipper Ascot, head of the Division’s section on Regulations and Ruination. “We’re seeing too many ankle breakers and very few of the heavies that most surfers enjoy.”

The new rules have sparked outrage across all demographics in the Outer Banks surfing community. A recent OBX Report poll showed a 98% of respondents were “totally not in favor” or “completely splenetic” over the new rules (the 2% in favor appeared to be posers, barnies and shubies.)

“Dude, I’m so like…Dude…I can’t even. Bogus.” said local surf hero Balboa Ryder.

Surfers will be allowed three waves from sunrise to sunset and the new regulations include a ban on all night surfing. A wave ride will be considered complete once the surfer mounts his or her board. Bailing midway through a ride will not entitle the surfer to another wave. The Division will fine violators $500.00 for every wave ridden in excess of the limit and the individual’s leash will be confiscated.

Separate regulations are being drafted for boogieboarders and will be announced at the end of this month.

The regulation’s impact will stretch deep into the surfing community. Glenn Raul, owner of The Pendulum Surf Shop said the new rules have come at the worst time. “Right in the middle of summer. I might as well close up shop and hang a ‘Gone Fishing’ sign on the door.”

“Good luck with that,” said charter boat captain Pyke Ferret. “And welcome to the club.”

Rodanthe – Watson Jefferson Jr. disappointed his entire family yesterday by wearing socks with his sandals to the beach. Early reports are saying that his daughter swore to God, and his wife quote “SMH.”

“What they are comfortable,” he defended himself to his family, “besides they keep your feet from getting burned, and you never know what you might step on as you put your feet in the ocean as you venture no deeper than your knees into it.”

“You look like a fool,” said his brother, Jeffery, as he adjusted his confederate flag bathing suit.

A local lifeguard, who wishes to remain unnamed, wondered why no one said anything about his jorts.

One of the Outer Bank’s most prominent musical groups, Too Drunk to Fail, has announced that they will continue to cover Aerosmith’s “Dude Looks Like a Lady” and the Kink’s “Lola” despite the songs being banned in March of this year with the passage of HB 2. The bill requires bathroom patrons use the bathroom corresponding with their birth gender and outlaws the public performance of songs which “encourage, celebrate or confuse lawmakers” about transgender identity issues.

“We’re paid up with ASCAP, SESAC and BMI so we’ll cover any damn song we want,” said the band’s lead singer and triangle player Lana Martini.

Other local groups have had mixed reactions to the musical ban. Luz Cassettes, Vulcan lute player for Island Keys noted that “nobody has requested those songs since the 90’s” so he didn’t see where there would be much of a conflict.

Celebrity transgender persons have weighed in on the debate from afar and have presented conflicting positions. Caitlyn Jenner given the law a “3B” rating: “bigoted, backwards and belittling” while Chaz Bono has embraced the ban.

“Do you know how many times people hum those songs or play them around me and think they are being funny?” Bono said. “Good riddance.”

In related news, Schoolhouse Rock has agreed to stop broadcasting its latest educational piece “I’m just a Bill (Except When I’m Jill)” on PBS stations in North Carolina until the Supreme Court weighs in on the constitutionality of HB 2 and the ban on transgender-themed music.

Corolla – Veteran Weather Channel Report James “Jim” Cantore was attacked by wild horses while filming his new special “Tidal Waves and You.” The program examines the cataclysmic effect a tsunami would have on the east coast, an event which Cantore has repeatedly said is about 300 years overdue.

“We had the shot set up with the wild horses in the background to emphasize the point that animals are able to predict natural disasters,” said Weather Channel producer Steven Lucas.

“Jim was studying his lines before we started shooting when all of the sudden the horses just charged him!”

Key grip operator Ron Cameron said he was barely able to escape with his life.

“I saw them horses charge and I just yelled to Jim and then I dropped the key grip and was out of there. When I looked back I…I just couldn’t believe it. Even Jim’s giant arm muscles weren’t able to save him.”

Several other production crew members tried to warn Cantore, but he was apparently “in character” as the unflappable weather personality famous for braving hurricanes and tornados and refused to take sensible precautions. Cantore suffered multiple trampling-related injuries and was airlifted to Sentara Norfolk . He is expected to make a full recovery. Fortunately, no horses were injured during the trampling.

Wild Horse tour operator Jay Probst said that such attacks on celebrities are rare, however they are not without precedent. In 2004 wild horses trampled Andrew Dice Clay while the comedian was relieving himself in the ocean. In 1996 a pair of horses mauled actor Mel Gibson. Probst noted that the attack on Gibson happened “before (Gibson) was widely recognized as an asshat” but that, just as they are reliable barometers of inclement weather, the horses have a good sense about people.

“Don’t want to drive away business,” Probst said. “But if you are Kanye West, I wouldn’t come to Corolla anytime soon.”