OBX Report

North End, Manteo – The thirteenth 3DWI5K bicycle race was held on Roanoke Island last weekend. The annual event is an opportunity for gentlemen of a certain age whose transportation options are limited to bicycling to engage in some healthy exercise and friendly competition.

Deebra Fitzclabber, cofounder of the event explained, “So often, the alcoholic lifestyle offers few opportunities for physical fitness, other than elbow curls, if you know what I mean. A little sunshine and a little exertion does wonders for these guys.”

Dirk Buddenburps, Deebra’s partner, continued, “We used to notice a lot of older gentlemen, often bearded, riding bikes up and down the beach road, sometimes on little girls’ bicycles or rental bikes. It seemed strange to us until we spoke to a few and realized that bicycling for these men was not a lifestyle choice but a requirement due to driver’s license revocation from three or more DWI’s.”

“Yes, so we figured, why not use the fitness equipment that these men already have and give them an incentive to get in better shape?” stated Ms. Fitzclabber. “We put up fliers for the first 3DWI5K bicycle race in local watering holes, and three contestants showed up for the first event.”

Each year, the race has grown. This year, thirty-two bicycle racers were present at the 2:30 p.m. start of the race. After attempting to hold the event at various spots on the beach, seven years ago it was moved to Roanoke Island.

“We realized that, considering the erratic riding patterns of many of our contestants, Pear Pad Road on the Fort Raleigh property offered the safest paved surface to meet the unique needs of our racers. There is almost no traffic, and the shoulders are grassy for when they finally tip over,” explained Mr. Buddenburps.

When it was pointed out that Pear Pad Road is not five kilometers long, Ms. Fitzclabber responded, “Oh, sure. But nobody has ever made it even one kilometer so far. We just like the way 5K sounds. Most of them are already drunk when they start the race, and it doesn’t take them long to give out.”

“There is the added bonus that we are able to reclaim the bikes after the racers pass out and return them to their rightful owners whenever possible. Plus, we don’t ever have to offer any real prizes, because most of the men won’t remember the race tomorrow,” said Mr. Buddenburps. “It is a very inexpensive event to put on.

“Oops! There goes the first one,” sighed Ms. Fitzclabber as a contestant ran off the road fifteen feet past the starting line. Mr. Buddenburps smiled sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders.

Kill Devil Hills, NC

NSP Employees Stunned

National Park Service employees reporting to work Monday were shocked to discover the beloved Wright Brother’s Monument had been stolen. Dedicated in 1932, the Wright Brothers Monument has been a fixture on the Outer Banks and a popular destination for school groups. The 60 foot granite structure commemorates the first heavier-than-air powered flight in 1903 by Orville and Wilbur Wright, a couple of mechanically inclined tourists from Ohio.

 

Ranger Rikk with the Park Service told OBX Report in an exclusive interview that Park Service employees had left the Monument unlocked Sunday evening. Thieves were able to enter the Memorial and easily unhook the tie-downs holding the monument in place. They then used a crane to lift the Memorial onto the back of a pickup. Ranger Rikk speculated the truck was a Ford 250 or 350 as there was “no way” a Chevy could possibly move that sort of payload.

 

Photo Released

A neighbor’s personal security system captured a portion of daring heist and the NPS released a still from the video. In the picture, thieves have already attached the Wright Memorial to a crane and are preparing to move it to the pickup. Unfortunately, due to distance and poor lighting, details of the culprits are impossible to make out. It appears five individuals were involved in the theft including a man serving as a lookout who appeared to be wearing a pelican suit.

 

KDH Residents Shocked

“Flabbergasted,” “Nonplussed,” “Mystified,” “Gobsmacked.” These and several other reactions unfit to print were how residents of Kill Devil Hills reacted to the news of the stolen Monument.

“I saw it was missing this morning and I just figured they’d moved it back a bit like they done the Hatteras lighthouse a few years ago ‘cause of the beach erosion,” said Melvin Fussell who owns a home directly across from the Wright Memorial. “To think somebody took her…I just hope they ain’t doin’ it for scrap. That’d be a waste.”

According to Wilma Persimmons, a You-Tube educated naturalist studying the indigenous deer population living in the area of the Memorial, the loss of the Monument will have a significant impact on wildlife in the area.

“The Memorial has become an important navigational beacon for the native deer herd migrating between here and Florida. Now I’m worried the deer will get lost and just keep on going north until they get to the Washington Monument. It’s a little outside my area of expertise but I expect this will also have an impact on our Purple Martin community as well as Cessna operators.”

 

Impact on Tourism Still Being Calculated

Visitor reactions have ranged from “At least they didn’t take one of the lighthouses” to “Thanks Obama.”

A very despondent Norbert Hunsucker was photographed sitting in front of the now-empty plaza where the Wright Memorial once stood.

“He’s been like that for hours,” his mother, Madeline Hunsucker said, assuring us that Norbert’s visit to the Memorial was entirely voluntary and he was not part of any school group. “The whole way from Pennsylvania he talked about how excited he was to see the Monument in person. Now…maybe they have a scale model or something in the gift shop.”

Young Hunsucker’s photo has been shared over 16 times, principally by Hunsucker’s family, and is on the verge of going viral.  

 

Colington – The world record for the most Driving While Impaired charges has been reclaimed by Colingtonian Lewis “DUI Louie” Twilette. On Tuesday, the International Olympic Committee declared invalid seven of the last eight arrests of Russian DWI leader Ivan P’Yanyy-Zhopa. IOC investigators have evidence that the Russian’s high Breathalyzer results were due to blood doping. Mr. P’Yanyy-Zhopa was allegedly using a 100 proof Smirnoff IV drip to maintain a consistent blood-alcohol level in advance of his arrests. P’Yanyy-Zhopa and Twilette were expected to compete head-to- head later this summer during the Rio Olympics, but it is not clear at this point if the IOC will allow Mr. P’yayy-Zhopa to participate in this year’s games.

Mr. Twilette came to the attention of the world DWI community in 2011 when he accomplished the exceedingly difficult Quintuple Drunken Lutz, with arrests in the counties of Dare, Hyde, Pasquotank, Tyrrell and Currituck all within a 24-hour period. Since then, he has gone on to record an average of 30 DWI charges per year, including a high of 39 in 2014.

The sanctions against his Russian counterpart leaves Mr. Twilette atop the field of DWI competitors in overall driver’s license points and moves Asmundur Coddsakgrabver of Iceland into second.

Speaking on behalf of his client, attorney/spokesman Phillip O’Conner stated that, afterhe regains consciousness, “DUI Louie” will be thrilled to learn he is once again the Drunk Driving World Champion. Additionally, Mr. O’Conner fully expects his client to set a new DWI World Record during the Rio Olympics. Mr. O’Conner stated Mr. Twilette is not deterred by the threat of the Zika virus as his permanently elevated blood alcohol level has already proven inhospitable to rabies, smallpox and influenza.

Buxton – The park service announced a new solution to the prickly beach driving issue. Instead of watching a video and paying $100 to drive on the beach. Now people can strap into the new beach driving simulator.

Enjoy driving your computer generated truck with your simulated family on pristine beaches. You don’t have to worry about getting your 4×4 dirty.

“I think we have found a happy medium,” said Defender of Wildlife spokesperson Lauren Stalls said.” This allows the birds to have the beach to themselves like it should be, and those beach drivers can pretend to destroy their habitat.”

“It was pretty neat, but it is hard to drink a beer with this headset on,” said test driver Gary Stevenson.

The program is still in testing, but the park service hopes to roll it out this Fall.

 

 

Phil Holt, a Kitty Hawk resident was taking his usual morning beach jog, heading north of the Hilton Garden Inn. What happened next sounds like a vivid dream, or perhaps a hallucination. But Holt insists it was real.

“I was having a really good run and decided to push further north than usual. Suddenly I was shrouded in an incredibly dense fog; the kind you might see on an episode of ‘Sleepy Hollow’ or one of those GOP presidential debates last winter.”

Holt said when he emerged from the fog bank he found himself on a pristine beach occupied by a mere handful of beachgoers.

“There were beautiful oceanfront homes, dolphins frolicking in the water and not a single kid in sight. Wild unicorns roamed the beach and seagulls were swaddled in diapers. The scent of collagen mingled with suntan lotion.”

Holt said he spied a small gathering of four elderly people and as he approached he could hear them in engaged in animated discourse.

“I’m telling you, the quality of The Club’s food has declined,” said one lady who appeared to be in her seventies and sporting a tennis visor.

“I know,” said a man who appeared to be her husband, wearing an ensemble that included a knit Polo shirt, Bermuda shorts, held up by a belt decorated with gamefish and sailboats. On his feet were beach sandals with black socks.

“Who pairs squab with Pinot Grigio? Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows squab demands an earthy Burgundy,” he sniffed. “Next thing you know they’ll start serving grits without shrimp and unpronounceable cheeses folded in.”

A third member of the group, a timid looking male warned the others in sotto voce, “Be careful. People have been ‘disappeared’ for criticizing The Club.”

Holt said he approached the group, complimented them on their unspoiled and virtually empty strand of beach, and then innocently asked “What is this place?”

The gentleman who had been ranting about the squab narrowed his eyes, according to Holt, and demanded to know “who I was, how I got there, and whether I thought the C-Class Mercedes line was diluting the brand.”

One of the ladies whipped a cell phone from her purse and said she was calling the police.

Alarmed, Holt ran back in the direction he came from, re-entered the fog bank and emerged a few seconds later right in front of the Hilton Gardens.

After dinner, Holt got into his car and drove north on Highway 12, through the town of Southern Shores looking for signs of the magical beach.

“I didn’t see one public beach access. Not one. I looked for hours, but near as I could tell, there is no beach north of Kitty Hawk.

Holt has tried to replicate his beach jog but has been unable to relocate the fog bank.

“I’ll keep trying,” he promised. “You can’t keep a beach hidden from the public forever.”

Hyde County – Davey Jones, spokesman for the Hyde County Board of Commissioners, surprised county residents with news of the pending sale of Ocracoke Island to famed television personality Oprah Winfrey.

“Once finalized, Miss Winfrey will become the sole owner and operator of Ocracoke,” said Jones. “We are not sure what her plans are in regards to ferry tolls.”

The OBX Report reached out to Harpo Productions, Winfrey’s multimedia production company for further comment. Mr. Perple, a representative of the acquisitions branch of the company, confirmed the purchase and said, “Miss Winfrey’s plans for the island are still under development. However, as is her custom when taking over a new property, there will be significant rebranding. The island will be renamed “Opracoke” and the annual fig festival will be replaced with a Chicago Deep Dish Pizza event.”

Ocracoke residents had mixed feeling about their new landlord.

“I love me some Oprah. Been peddling this dern Huffy for 25 years. Maybe she’ll give us all new cars. Or golf carts,” said Mrs. Mary Killigrew, an Ocracoke resident since 1971. “

Mr. Robert Culliford, a lifetime resident of Ocracoke, disagreed. “If it ain’t tradition, it ain’t Ocracoke.

We don’t need no Yankee carpretbagger coming in here and tellin’ us how to run things.”

Sale of the island must ultimately be approved by the General Assembly and Governor McCrory, but little if any opposition to the plan is expected. Governor McCrory hinted at a recent press conference that he’d be willing to throw in Jennette’s Pier as part of the deal for a reasonable price.

Kitty Hawk – Walt Glod, a visitor from upstate New York, had to give his family some bad news today. Apparently the fireworks he procured in Pennsylvania are illegal to use on the Outer Banks.

“Sorry team,” He said to a disappointed family, “They are not allowed down here, we can’t use them.”

“But Dad, everyone else is using them,” His daughter Allison replied.

“Don’t worry sweetie,” I’m sure the police are writing tickets to punish all those people breaking the law. I mean they wouldn’t just make a comically unenforceable law that they expect no one to follow, and then waste time and money to put it on signs and websites.”

“But I wanted to make things go boom,” Johnathan his 6 year old cried.

“Cheer up buddy, we still have sparklers,” was Mr. Glod’s poorly received answer.

“Honey I’m sure they just have to say it for insurance reasons or something,” His wife, Jeanne said, trying to change his mind.

“The law is the law, and we will not raise our children to break it just because they want to have fun. We love coming down here in the Summer and we should respect the rules of the place,” He said firmly. He elaborated, “Renting a house down here for one week does not allow us to make up our own rules. What kind of people would that make us, if we just came down here and did whatever we wanted?”

By this point the family had gone back to whatever they were doing before he started talking, but he decided he could convince them if he just kept talking.

“Look here I am on the Outer Banks website. It says right here. ‘Dare County prohibits the possession of any pyrotechnics which launch or propel into the air, or which explode making a sound or report, or do anything which could in anyway be considered fun by anyone launching or watching them. Sparklers, fountains and ground displays are allowed in some towns that have a sick sense of humor, but other towns ban them all outright.’ See I told you. No one else will be shooting off any of these cool kind of fireworks on the 4th. Just you wait and see.”

Northern Beaches, OBX – As he has done every July 4th for the past seventeen years, Mr. Beebles, the Seagull Clown, will be bringing his family-friendly brand of joy to children and adults alike on the northern beaches of the Outer Banks. Beginning on the first day of July and ending on the 5th, Mr. Beebles will be travelling up and down the beach from Southern Shores to South Nags Head, delighting seagulls and the people who love them.

“I love to bring people joy,” said Mr. Beebles, “Because joy makes people happy.” And what joy he does bring. As he walks up and down the beach each day wearing his colorful clown costume, he tosses kernels of popcorn into the air for the multitude of seagulls that circle in the sky above him.

“Mommy, Mommy, the birdies!” shouts one young boy as he runs about under the hundreds of excited seagulls wheeling above, raucously vocalizing their desire for popcorn and good old American fun on the beach. His mother glances up nervously, covering their sandwiches with a beach towel.

A couple of local surfers leave the beach with sour faces when they see Mr. Beebles approaching with his avian nimbus, but who needs spoilsports when they can share in the pure happiness of children’s laughter?

This year, thanks to the generous sponsorship of Frito-Lay, Mr. Beebles will be trading in his popcorn for a variety of delicious Frito-Lay products, including Frito-Lay brand Fritos Original Corn Chips in Original flavor, tangy Bar-B-Q, and Chili-Cheese for a south-of-the-border sensation.

As the airborne cuties process the corn chips, there is of course some unavoidable fallout, especially with the Chili-Cheese flavor, but Mr. Beebles isn’t discouraged by the white splotches which eventually cover his gaily-colored costume: “The gulls share with me, and I share with the people of the great state of North Carolina and the County of Dare.”

He adds, “Into each life some rain must fall, and the more it happens, the faster you get used to it.” Mr. Beebles’s appearance this year is also sponsored by the North Carolina General Assembly.

Nags Head – Town officials announced a two-pronged approach to combat the rapidly exploding coyote problem there.

Sightings have increased and residents have blamed the coyotes for a sudden increase in reports of missing cats, dogs and even spouses.

Sue Phelps, who lives in the Southridge subdivision said she had seen coyotes in the neighborhood and around Jockey’s Ridge, which the neighborhood borders.

Last Friday she said her husband, Tim, was going to walk over to the C-store across the street from the post office to get some cigarettes. He never returned and Phelps suspects coyotes were responsible.

Town Manager Cliff Oddturn said town staff had been researching the problem for weeks when they finally hit upon a solution.

“One of our younger staff was doing some “deep internet” research on the coyote problem, using a website called Wikipedia,” he said.

The staffer found a link there to numerous documentaries where the young staffer found literally hundreds of examples of a one-two punch guaranteed to eliminate coyotes.

After viewing the videos, Oddturn immediately contacted Acme Industries and, with the consent of the Board of Commissioners, offered significant tax breaks if the company opened a store in the location recently vacated by Outer Banks Furniture.

The town manager also arranged for the purchase of 1,000 roadrunners from Texas.

Oddturn continued, “In spite of their poor performance and safety record, the documentaries clearly reveal that coyotes use Acme products exclusively in vain attempts to gain an edge on their favorite prey, roadrunners.”

“In almost every instance we saw where a coyote used an Acme product to catch a roadrunner, the coyote either died or was seriously maimed in the attempt, “he concluded.

Acme spokesperson Wiley Carson was sure the new plan will work.

“We plan to offer our coyote customers a locals discount, easy payment plans, and one BOGO special each week,” he told us.

Carson had even better news for Nags Head residents, “Our products are even more prone to failure in the 21 st century. The products seen by the town staff in those documentaries were made in the U.S. during the 1960’s. Since then we’ve outsourced our manufacturing to China, so quality control went right out the window along with our employees jobs.”

Carson said the first item offered for discount will be a rocket powered unicycle with free goggles.

Oddturn warned Nags Head residents to avoid stopping to look at random piles of birdseed appearing on roadways and warned drivers to “avoid tunnels that appear to enter into the side of a mountain” as these are common tricks used by coyotes to trap roadrunners.

“Locals know we don’t have tunnels or mountains, but our visitors may not be aware of that particular aspect of our geography,” he said.

Mainland Dare County – The Taylor family from Greenbowl, Arkansas had driven fifteen hours straight on their first vacation to the Outer Banks of North Carolina when they stopped to ask for directions in Nags Head from a group of local teenagers.

“The Atlantic Ocean? Sure, it’s around here somewhere,” answered one boy, dressed in surf shorts and an ironic PBR shirt.

“Yeah, I think it is back that way,” continued a faux hippie-chick wearing mass-produced hippie-chick clothing and pointing west across the sound.

A third young man, incongruously attired in a pink button-down shirt and neon green bicycle shorts, gave the directions with a smirk: “Go back across the bridge to Manteo, then turn right and continue until you cross another bridge. On the other side, turn right on Mashoes Road, and just keep going until you see the ocean.”

Upon following the directions, the Taylors were initially confused, finding no ocean, but after pulling the car over and wading through a half-mile of marsh grass and mud, they found a stretch of open water large enough to play in.

“This wasn’t exactly what I was expecting, But the kids loved it!” said Mrs. Taylor with an optimistic smile on her face.

Mr. Taylor added, “Yeah, there were a lot fewer waves and a lot more mud than I had heard about, but we had the same experience in Myrtle Beach last year. Things aren’t always what the ads make them seem, and at least we didn’t have to sit through a two-hour sales pitch for a timeshare to enjoy the ocean here.”

Little Johnny Taylor listlessly poked a cottonmouth snake with a stick, and baby Shelby just sat in the murky water and cried, “Mommy, it smells bad. I want to go home now.”

“That’s salt air, honey. It’s good for you,” answered Ms. Taylor with a hopeful smile.

Leaving their beach adventure for the hotel, the family asked for directions in Manteo and received detailed help from a group of five boys dressed in a various combinations of camo and Grundens. The Taylors eventually found a Holiday Inn in Plymouth.