OBX Report

Nags Head – A German Shepherd named Atlas was issued a citation today for playing frisbee off leash. Before the officer showed up, Atlas was entertaining the other beach goers with his high flying, frisbee catching antics.

“His best move is where he jumps over a wave and catches the disc at the same time!” said excited teenager Wanda Dohnegy. “I got like fifty likes on my Insta video of him doing it, fifteen retweets on Twitter, and two of my friends replayed my snaps of it. The numbers are still going up, but I can’t check because some little kid took my phone and threw it in the ocean.

“The law says dogs must be on leash at all times, and I don’t mean just a leash attached to him as he runs around. Someone has to be holding it,” said KDH Officer Killbhuz as nearby an unruly five year old dumped his plastic bucket filled with sand in the neighboring families beach bag.

“I knew the rule, but I thought it wasn’t a big deal,” says Atlas’s owner Stephanie Holderson, “He just loves playing disc so much, and he never bothers anyone. He runs to get it, then brings it straight back. Two hundred and fifty bucks is a lot of cash for a dog ticket. I see people down here with their dogs off leash at all times.”

“We have laws for a reason,” the officer started then paused to wait for the child to stop spraying him in the crotch with a squirt gun, “there are people down here trying to have a nice day at the beach, and we can’t have your mutt running around messing that up.”

“I didn’t want to call the cops,” said lifeguard Tammy Whitaker, “but we have to if someone complains. I’m not supposed to tell who complained, but in this case I will make an exception.” She pointed to a sunburned, sleeping lady who was surrounded by Bud Light Lime cans. At that moment the rowdy child ran over to her, opened her cooler, and proceeded to drink half of a 2-liter of Mountain Dew before defecating on beach towel of the family who had just gone for a swim.

There has been some confusion about the beach dog laws, so here is the rule. In Kill Devil Hills it is prohibited to take your dog to the beach between the days of the year where you want to stay on the beach for a while, during the hours where you want to go to the beach.  At this time there are no leash laws or time restrictions on children on the beach, though it asked, but not illegal if you don’t, to clean up after your child pulls down their swim diaper and dookies all over the boardwalk.

Kill Devil Hills – To the astonishment of locals and town staff alike, a shower head at a beach access has yet to be removed. As July nears the town doesn’t want to jinx it, so we are leaving the access unnamed.

Town maintenance worker, Jason Whidbee, said, “Usually we have to go replace these things every couple days. Some people steal them for their outside showers, others just like the feeling of the solid stream of water so they take the head off and chuck it into the bushes. I have never seen one last this long.” He knocked on the wooden post holding up the shower and smiled.

“Shower heads account for about 10% of our town budget,” said mayor Sharron Knight, “not because they are expensive but because people steal them so regularly. If this keeps up we will have a budget surplus.”

A economist from E.C.U. who is doing research on the local economy pointed to this as a sign that the Outer Banks has officially exited the great recession. “This is a great example of the bifurcation of the housing market in this area. The locals that can afford the rent down here can buy their own shower heads now, and those that are unable to find housing have to rely on these showers for cleaning themselves after sleeping in their car.”

“Give it time,” said Outer Banks old timer Daniel Midget Baum. “It’s just a slow down. Soon they will start disappearing by the hundreds. Sure as the wind turns after the dragonflies show up, the shower heads will be stolen. It is the way of things here. “

Grandy – Reginald Gary Winston of Currituck was arrested this weekend for making and distributing Dank Memes. The defendant led police on a low speed chase as he tried to escape on the riding lawn mower he uses for transportation. Fortunately he got stuck on a speed bump the trailer park owner had installed because he was sick of having to get the gravel replaced every year from “Jimmy driving like a jackass.” The Sheriff’s department released the following statement.

Dank Memes are a danger to our community. They may seem harmless and funny, but they ruin lives. Today we made a great step to eliminating the threat of Dank Memes in our county. This case was the result of months of work browsing Facebook at the station. This shows that Dank Memes are not just a threat to our children, but also dangerous to our older adults. Facebook reposts are a gateway meme. First people share other people’s funny stuff. After awhile people think, “hey  I could do that.” Next thing you know they are scanning facebook, funnyjunk, ifunny, 9gag, thechive, and imgur looking for anything they can post. They start withdrawing from friends and family, and spend hours upon hours on the dumbest parts of the internet. Why? All just to get fix. They are addicted to likes, and they don’t care who they have to steal from to get that fix.”

The defendant was unrepentant. He waived his right to remain silent and an attorney as he spit an expletive laden rant at the officers:

“I thought this was America! I know my rights! Am I being detained?” He screamed wildly as he was being dragged to the patrol car. If those phrases sound familiar, they are. A side effect of Dank Meme abuse is the inability to harbor or communicate original thoughts. This come from the copying and pasting other people’s things for so long you actually think you came up with it. He eventually regained his ability to speak his own thoughts for a moment and said, “You think this is a  fucking crime? I’m doing a service here. I have over eight thousand followers, and they need to see the jokes other people came up with. Do you think you could copy and paste as quickly as I can? Huh? No way, no fucking way. I even know how to put the photos into MS Paint and write OBX on top of the text. Can you take a blank macro and write someone else’s joke on top of it? I don’t think so pussy. I’m gonna make a meme about you so dank that you wish you were never born!”

The sheriff’s department was not optimistic about his chances of recovery. “We have shut this guy down before, only to find him a few weeks later doing the same shitposting from a different trailer. It is like a game of wack-a-mole. I don’t see him getting cleaned up in the joint. Criminals like this never stop.”

The health department said the trailer will have to be burned to remove the dankness.

Chesapeake – In a bold move, the state of Virginia is moving forward with a new plan to increase the toll for the Chesapeake expressway to $100 per car. No longer satisfied with just taxing people for driving through their state on the way to their vacation destination, Virginia said it just wants to punish those families that choose the Outer Banks over Virginia beach.

“Just because our beaches are more crowded, artificial, shaded by mega hotels, and charge to park, doesn’t mean they are any worse than what North Carolina is offering,” said Governor McAuliffe. “If people are going to drive extra hours past our beaches, we just want to make sure we take as much money out of their pockets as we can first.”

We asked a cross section of people for their reaction.

“I don’t really think it is fair,” said some idiot who doesn’t know how to drive around the toll.

“Gross! Who takes the toll? Then you can’t stop at WaWa,” Said Currituck teenager Wanda Ruffles.

“It’s God damn highway robbery,” said a Corrolla resident who wishes to remain unnamed for some unknown reason. “They said they were going to just leave the toll up until the road was paid for, now they are just using it to rob people who are coming to us. Every dollar they take is one less dollar I can trick the tourist into spending down here!”

“I don’t mind,” Said William Verinkis, a vacationer from Pennsylvania, “I have already committed to spending way more money on this vacation than I budgeted for. It’s nice to go ahead and get that over with on the drive down. Now I don’t have to worry about money until after my vacation.”

When asked why he didn’t consider vacationing in Virginia Beach, New York resident Tom O’Donnell said, “Why would I do that? I could just go to the Jersey Shore and get the same awful experience with half the driving.”

When asked for a comment, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory said he was fine with the decision, but he wished the would increase the toll to $1000 for transgender tourists.

Nags Head Causeway – Ryota Tanaka was so excited when he saw an advertisement for Tale of the Whale. Tanaka, a Japanese citizen, loves to eat all sorts of marine mammals like whales, dolphins, and even the occasional manatee, but whale is by far his favorite. You can imagine his horror upon learning they did not have any whale meat on the menu. He was forced to order the dolphin only to find out it was Mahi Mahi. His daughter refused to eat it.

“It really ruined my entire vacation. I looked like a fool,” Ryota said. “I feel like it is false advertising, and I don’t have to take that. I’m going to sue.”

“We tried to explain to him that whales are a protected species and it is illegal to kill them,” a manager at the restaurant commented. “He just kept going on about how it was for science. I was like What’s science got to do with it man? Anyway I comped his meal, and gave them free desert, but he was still being a dick about it, so I asked them to leave. He keeps leaving fake Yelp reviews pretending to be other people who are mad we don’t have whale meat. I don’t think he is going to find a lawyer willing to take his case.”

“Oh I will find a lawyer,” Tanaka said when pressed about the case. “I don’t care if I have to pay for his law school. I have been shamed in front of my family and I must have recompense!”

 

West 3rd St KDH – James and Lenka Hudson are a happy couple this week. On Wednesday they will have been married for exactly one year, leaving two more to go until she can legally leave him while retaining her citizenship.

“It’s been a dream,” James said, “I never thought I could meet someone so perfect for me. She just gets me like no American woman ever could.”

“Yeah, it is great,” Lenka said in a way that you couldn’t tell if it was sarcasm or her accent, “I love taking care of a 27 year old who still watches anime for hours every night.”

“You know,” James said before taking a moment to vape, “Even though I didn’t have a lot of dating experience before Lenka, I can tell she’s the one. Did she tell you how we met? I was riding my moped on the bike path in Duck, and I slowed down to check her out. Instead of recoiling in terror, she asked me for a ride because she was late to her third job at Food Lion.”

“Yes, he saved me that day. Thankfully he had just been fired from his job for drinking beers in the walk in cooler the day before and had the time to take me to work. I still work all three jobs as well as attend classes at C.O.A. I try to stay busy,” Lenka responded.

“You would think she doesn’t like being around here,” James joked and pointed around his Mom’s house where a ferret was playing in an empty case of beer. “She still makes time for me. We have pizza and movie night about three to four nights a week.”

“When am I gonna get some grandkids,” Jame’s mom interjected from her chair in the living room.

“Well it is hard to be intimate when you never leave the house,” James retorted before pointing at her and rolling his eyes. “Besides Lenka wants to wait until she gets her degree from C.O.A. before starting a family.”

“Yes and that will take another two years from today,” Lenka said quickly then looked off into the distance, “two long years.”

 

Kitty Hawk – A couple from Pennsylvania, Larry and Sharron Leviton, have been coming to the Outer Banks in the Summer for twenty years. Much to the amusement of their waiters and bartenders, they like to joke that just about makes them locals. Despite their deep roots on the Outer Banks, the are still vexed by a long standing mystery.

“I’m telling you it is a passing lane. We have been passed in it dozens of times by crazy North Carolina drivers,” Sharron said to her husband.

“No no no, it is there for people crossing the street. When the road is too busy you cross to the center then wait for the other side to be ready. How many times have we seen people do that?” Larry replied.

“You could be right. We have stopped to try to let the people in the center cross a number of times,” she admitted.

“I feel pretty confident about it,” he said as he suddenly decelerated in the fast lane and turned left across three lanes of the bypass into Super Wings.

“Could it be a bike lane? I see a lot of people riding their bikes in it,” Sharron pondered as other cars honked wildly.

“No way, they ride on the side of the road.”

“Why do they do that when there is a perfectly good lane down the middle?”

“People are stupid honey, people are so so stupid.”

 

 

Southern Shores – After a long Winter the citizens of Southern Shores are ready for some Summertime fun! It is time for the 4th Annual Southern Shores Mud Bog and Wet T-Shirt Contest. For the event, the entire 9th hole of Duck Woods Country Club is turned into a mud pit. Stripper poles will be installed on the green. The town invites everyone to have some good family fun. Kids under 8 get their tongue pierced for free. And don’t forget ladies, the winner of the wet t-shirt contest gets a free tattoo! Motorcycle parking is on the practice green, and there will be Winnebago parking on the tennis courts, just past the bathroom trench.

Raleigh – Governor McCrory is back in the news again for another bathroom law. This time instead of going up against a large city he is fighting a quaint little hamlet known as Wanchese. Apparently the village’s no shoes, no shirt, no problem attitude has run afoul with the Governor’s strict sensibilities. He gave a speech to the general assembly this afternoon:

“My fellow lawmakers, we must act and act quickly before this type of behavior spreads to other towns and cities. Just imagine someones bare feet in a bathroom.” The Governor paused to shudder in disgust. “Those feet need to be in shoes. Sandals at the very minimum. Socks are not acceptable!” He shouted, visibly upset. “I have worked hard to show the rest of the nation how North Carolina is a high class forward looking state, but what do you think the other state will say when they hear about this? Will they still look to North Carolina as a forerunner of civilized thinking? Plus the pH in urine is all wrong for your foot skin.”

Our reports show that the Wanchese law is not really a law, but more of an understanding. If you aren’t worried about getting your feet dirty, then who cares. When asked if this is just another instance of the government needlessly regulating people’s lifestyles, we were promptly escorted out of the Tiki Bar.

Kill Devil Hills – Jonathan Watson is almost 100% sure that the Colington intersection traffic light is targeting him. “I get stopped here every time!” He complained loudly to himself in his Ford Taurus. “Everyday God damn day!”

When asked for comment the Town of Kill Devil Hills and the Police Department both had no official comment, but you could tell from the tone of their voices that they were out to get Jonathan.