OBX Report

Colington – A mating pair of geese have decided that they had one too many eggs hatch this year. While not able to pick which of the goslings is their favorite, they decided to put the choice in the hands of the drivers of Colington road.

“I know we can’t keep them all, but I can’t bring myself to kick a couple out of the nest,” said the mother bird.

“This way is more fair,” The father confided. “Some one will be texting, or fiddling with their radio, and boom the choice is made for us. I’m not saying I want my children to die, but if it happens, well that’s natures way of sorting things out.”

Meanwhile the Audubon Society and Defenders of Wildlife have sued Dare County to close the road. They issued a statement saying “The Colington Road Goose is one of the rarest species of Canada geese. They live on a tiny sliver of land, and face the unnecessary perils of being run over by uncaring humans. They deserve more than just the shoulder, they should have both lanes as well.”

 

200 Miles off the coast of Delaware – The famous Great White Shark Mary Lee has announced she will not be inhabiting the waters of North Carolina this year citing the newly passed HB2 legislation for her reason.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love North Carolina, but I am so disappointed with this new law that I will be swimming past NC to spend some time in less prejudiced states like South Carolina and Georgia. I may eat people, but I don’t discriminate, I eat all people equally,” said the 3456 pound predator.

Governor McCrory expressed his regret at the loss of yet another celebrity performer for our state. “When I passed this law I was thinking about protecting children from something even rarer than shark attacks. I had no idea I was putting their Summer vacations in danger. Rest assured, I have my people talking to Mary’s people, and we will have sharks in the water this Summer.”

We asked Dr. Timmoth Abernathy, an expert on Shark behavior, about the likelihood of shark attacks “Last year saw a sharp rise in shark attacks with 8 nonfatal attacks, but considering the millions of people swimming over the course of the Summer that puts your chances of being eaten by a shark as a million times more likely than you child being molested by transsexual person in a public bathroom.”

Opinions are mixed on Mary’s decision. Some support her boycott of what they call a disgraceful law, but others feel she is pushing politics into a place it doesn’t belong. Longtime Outer Banks Tourist James Wartherby Jr. expressed his anger at the shark’s decision, “I can’t believe this I am being discriminated against by this fish for wanting to protect my children. Now she labels me a bigot and refuses to consider eating my family? Who is the hypocrite now, huh Mary?”

Friends of Fins, a shark advocacy group, put out a statement in support of Mary’s decision saying, “We fully support Mary’s decision. We are sorry that North Carolina beach goers will have to swim in sharkless waters, but we would like to remind them that there are lots of other things to be worried about like sting rays, jelly fish, and aggressively sexual porpoises.”

An unnamed mother who admits she is on the fence about the bill told us, “I know the chances of my child being molested by a Trans person in a bathroom or eaten by a shark are astronomically low, but I just feel bad having to make the choice. Why can’t I have both?”

Some locals of the Outer Banks who disagree with the law, but are fans of Mary have pleaded with her on Twitter to reconsider her decision. “You are only punishing your biggest fans! N.C. legislators would never take their shirts off at the beach, much less get in the water.”

When asked The Union of Concerned Aquatic Predators, the equivalent of the U.N. for sharks, fish, and whales, declined to comment.

 

For awhile now one of the turbines on Jennette’s pier has decided to stop caring. The ungrateful turbine is producing no power, and just sitting there freeloading on our tax payer funded pier. You don’t see the other two turbines complaining about having to do their job, but no this lazy guy is going to take a break. What’s the matter? Is your gearbox sore? Or is it because you are protesting for some libtard cause. Let me guess you are sad for all the fish being killed under you, or that there isn’t a transsexual bathroom on the pier.

I told you this would happen. Renewable energy is for beatniks and California liberals. If we had an oil rig out there it would be pumping away. No questions asked! You would have more oil than you know what to do with, and would that rig complain? Hell no, because oil is as American as apple pie. Now I can already hear the millennials, “but what about the poor sea life.” You drive a car don’t you? See you are a hypocrite just like this stupid turbine.

This is a perfect metaphor for the state American is in right now. Two hardworking turbines now have to work overtime to provide for a third turbine who could totally work himself, but is content to take handouts. Thanks Obama.

When asked for comment the other two turbines declined because they were too busy doing their job.

Manteo – Dare County district court was thrown into chaos today when a local man pleaded not guilty by reason of having the day off. This defense while having no legal standing, holds substantial weight with local jurors. The assistant District attorney asked the judge to call a recess to talk strategy, as the lawyers in the room glanced at each other with raised eyebrows. The judge called for order as the other plaintiffs in the court cheered wildly. The case was continued so the prosecution could organize their case.

It is upon us again. The glorious mid to late Spring arrival of the local workforce from their slumber. After a long Winter of in activity, the Outer Banks returns to life. This miracle of nature is visible in all their natural habitats like the Bypass and Food Lion. Another good place to see them is at their jobs where they are currently standing around, waiting for it to get busy again.

This unique species has quite an interesting life cycle. The average Outer Banks local will only Hibernate for about three months maximum. Before hibernation they consume large quantities of holiday food and alcohol. After waking up from hibernation they will realize that the beach season is right around the corner and begin fasting and exercising. As the Summer wears on they gradually increase their caloric intake until by late July they are not even thinking about it.

They also have to worry about their increasingly precarious habitat. This sandbar they call an island is susceptible to flooding from both sides. In fact the sheer weight of alcohol on the beach is enough to sink the island during high tide if not for the intrepid locals who bravely dispose of it. The higher the tide the more necessary the imbibing. In fact when a hurricane threatens the island, the locals band together to cleanse their habitat of any and all remaining alcohol.

Next in our series of wildlife lectures will be the migration of the Eastern European college student. The end of their long journey is nearly upon us.

Stumpy Point, NC – State fire officials have issued a press release that in no way implicates Goatman in the string of fires this Spring. The fires were most likely caused by humans, and not a goat human hybrid. I mean do you know how hard it is to use a lighter with hoove/claw hands much less siphon the gas out of an old Mustang. Besides any evidence of a satanic ritual would have been burned… I mean never existed in the first place.

When asked for details the head fire investigator for the National Wildlife Service said, “What’s this Goatman you speak of? I have never heard of such a thing, and wouldn’t even consider him at all because he definitely did not threaten my life.”

So that settles that, we can all go back to ignoring the eccentric crytid that harmlessly wanders the woods.