OBX Report

With the approval of early alcohol sales passing in every Dare County township except Nags Head, the Prince of Darkness, Satan, has finally booked a vacation to the Outer Banks.

“Really, it was the only thing holding me back,” the famed soul-snatcher said. “If you can’t have a Mimosa before noon, why bother?”

Satan’s spokesman, Theodore Cruze, stated that his royal evilness has rented a 22 bedroom McMansion in Kill Devil Hills for the first week of August. He will be travelling with his usual entourage including Martin Shkreli, Dr. Walter Palmer, Stephen Bannon and Kanye West. The group’s plans include drunken jet skiing, drunken hang gliding and drunk surfing.

The Lord of the Underworld said he’s going to check his “bad boy” persona at the Wright Memorial Bridge and just wants to come here to have a good time like everyone else.

“I might throw a few plastic bags in the ocean to choke the sea turtles,” he admitted. “But not too much worse than that.”

In related news, legendary country singer and professional violin exorcist Charlie Daniels will be appearing in concert at the Waterside Theater for a special performance on August 2nd.

Experts from the Smithsonian Institute have identified the mysterious item that washed up on Shelly Island Friday morning. The cylindrical, barnacle encrusted object was spotted by a fisherman early Friday and caused an immediate evacuation of the newborn island out of fear the object was unexploded ordnance planted by time-travelling ISIS terrorists in 1789.

The Naval Explosive Ordnance Disposal Team-6 arrived on scene to blow stuff up in order to protect the public. Upon detonating the mysterious object with explosive charges the NEOD Team-6 found bits of glass and shredded parchment in the debris field. The parchment was reassembled and a partial document was discovered with the headline

“CR_B_Y

PA_T_Y

S_CR_T

F_RM_LA”

A list of ingredients appeared to follow the title, but damage to the document made an exact reading impossible. Experts from the Smithsonian Museum’s division of Culinary History were dispatched to the scene. Professor Sheldon J. Plankton attempted to take possession of the parchment, but he was thwarted by Professor Eugene Krabs, who claimed the document as part of his important research on the famous Virginia Dare Cookbook, the first cookbook known to be published in the Americas.

“I believe this is the formula for the famous Croatan Patty,” said Professor Krabs. “Or maybe a different, equally important 16th century patty. In either case, it’s mine.”

For the past ten years, Kill Devil Hills biggest (or at least most famous) fireworks fan has been “Riley” a 51 year old Loggerhead sea turtle. Like clockwork, Riley has crawled up on the beach near Avalon Pier to dig a nest and lay her eggs on July 4th. Unlike typical Loggerheads, Riley hangs around her nest for several hours until the Kill Devil Hills fireworks show begins.

“It’s kind of like a starter gun for her,” says wildlife specialist Michael Dundee with the National Park Service. “She heads back toward the ocean, watching the fireworks the whole way. Of course, being a turtle, it takes her awhile to get there and she’s usually just getting her front flippers wet by the time the finale starts.”

The turtle’s behavior was chalked up to a curious coincidence, that is until this year when the KDH fireworks show was postponed until July 7th. As she had in years past, Riley crawled up on the beach, dug her nest and waited. And waited.

And waited.

The next morning, Riley was still waiting, sad turtle eyes scanning the sky for signs of the pyrotechnic show. NEST officials eventually posted caution tape around the turtle to keep ignorant but yellow tape-adverse curiosity seekers from taking pictures of their children on the back of turtle’s shell.

“We tried everything to get her to go back in the water,” said Dundee. “We even set off some South of the Border fireworks we seized off some tourists from Columbia near her, but she wasn’t having it. She wanted the real thing.”

For the next three days Riley barely stirred from her perch near the dune. Her condition slowly deteriorated as she remained out of the water, refusing to drink or even eat, despite the helpful visitors who tossed her Gummi Bears and Cheetos. NEST officials briefly considered moving Riley to the NC Aquarium but realized that would require that they physically touch the turtle, which would violate their Prime Directive.

Finally, on the night of July 7th, the Kill Devil Hills firework show began. Riley’s eyes sparkled with joy as the brocades, dragon eggs and pistils burst overhead. Scooping up a mouthful off Gummi’s, Riley began her labored journey back to the ocean to the applause of the hundreds of well wishers and drunken revelers around her.

“It was a close call for Riley,” said Dundee. “I hope next year KDH will get their act together and have their fireworks show on time. Do it for America. Do it for the kids. Do it for Riley.”

In a rare moment of candor, the Internal Revenue Service, Trilateral Commission, NASA and CIA have issued a joint apology to the citizens of Dare County for the recent unusual weather activity in the area.

On July 10th, a potent thunderstorm rolling across Dare County spawned over a dozen waterspouts and half as many tornados. Long-time resident and chronic Weather Channel viewer Noah Barque told the OBX Report he’d seen bad weather before “but nothin’ ever like this bad.”

Local meteorologist John Bernier said he reached out to the National Weather Service for comment and was accidentally transferred to the IRS’s Division of Clandestine Activity. An unidentified employee, apparently not realizing who they were speaking to, apologized. The employee stated that there were supposed to be twice the number of water spouts and that they were meant to inflict considerably more damage in the Colington area in order to clear land for a secret NASA launch site. Upon realizing they were talking with a member of the media, the person hung up.

Later in the day a spokesperson for the Trilateral Commission, speaking on behalf of the other agencies, issued a public apology for the storm activity. The spokesperson stated that the attempt to destroy Colington was the ill-conceived plot of a CIA agent named “Ray” and that “Ray” had been subsequently terminated. He said going forward NASA would only use conventional means to acquire property in Colington and that SAGA would be contracted to build their launch site rather than Blackwater.

The Solomons came to Frisco in 1953, a family of travelers from the planet Zorch enticed to the Outer Banks by the beautiful beaches and fresh caught seafood. Like so many visitors before and after, they decided to stay. Jedidiah Solomon, the patriarch of the family, recalls that he has met with every president since Eisenhower as a sort of unofficial ambassador from Zorch but so President Donald J. Trump has refused to to extend an invitation to the White House.

“I’m happy to meet him anytime,” Solomon said. “But the phone ain’t ringing.”

Solomon and his family run the most successful bed and breakfast in Frisco as well as “The Black Hole,” billed as the Outer Banks most popular opium den. He watches football on Sundays after church, hosts neighborhood oyster roasts and owns more guns than he can count. Surrounded by his spouse, platonic lover, salt wife, seven offspring, and the family pet cefolapede named “Daggit”, Solomon has clearly assimilated into the somewhat offbeat society of the southern beaches

His neighbor, Larry Dallas, this might be why there’s been no invite from the Trump Administration.

“Jedidiah is a good guy for an alien but he’s been in ‘murica so long he’s almost like an ordinary ‘murican. Mr. Trump is a busy man and don’t have to meet with ordinary type folk even if they do have green skin,” Dallas suggested. “Hate to say it, but maybe he should act a little more alien-like. You know, threaten to blow up a building or impose sharia-law in the county.”

The OBX Report has reached out to the White House for comment but to date has not received word on when President Trump might make time for Frisco’s most famous extraterrestrial.

300 ft above Kitty Hawk – In anticipation of an extremely sharky 4th of July, the Navy is deploying a helicopter-borne sniper teams to protect civilian swimmers. These well trained sailors are ready to celebrate independence day with hundreds of rounds of high velocity lead.

These snipers are accurate at distances up to 1000 meters, and depths of up to 15. If you hear a splash nearby it could very well be a shark sniper looking out for you.

Local government and citizens alike are excited about the plan.

“I can’t tell you how excited we are to have our boys in the sky protecting us on this 4th,” said a mayor or commissioner or something.

Area mother, Sydney Chambers, said she was hoping her children would be able to catch the shell casings.

Former servicemen and women are saluting from the dunes, and crowds are gathering to wave and cheer.

“I don’t even care about the rotor wash blowing sand in my beer and sending my umbrella somersaulting into the dunes. This too much fun to watch,” said a bystander.

We asked one beach goer, Jason Johannas, from Alexandria Virginia, how he felt about the the whole thing. “Man, you got a helicopter, which is awesome, a sniper rifle, which is super cool, then you got Navy Seals, which are bad ass. Now you combine them all with the fourth of July and Sharks! If that ain’t America, I don’t know what is.”

The fire depart has asked that people please refrain from shooting off fireworks while the helicopters are airborne so as to avoid any accidental triggering of countermeasures.

In a series of surprise raids, Immigration and Customs Enforcement has rounded up hundreds of Spanish Mackerel on suspicion of being illegal migrants. With the use of light tackle, nets, helicopters, and trained porpoises, agents began detaining the suspected fish on Monday.

President Trump had harsh words to say about pelagic suspects:

 

In a press conference he jokingly referred to the Spanish Mackerel as “Bad Pescados.”

Lawyers for the fish are filing motions to stay the deportations.

Victor Spizetta from the advocacy group Freedom Fish has been working around the clock since the raids began to get these cases in front of a judge. “This is a case of mistaken identity. Sure some Spanish Mackerel come from the Gulf of Mexico, but there is actually a large part of the United States, that boarders the Gulf. These fish were born in the U.S. and should be considered U.S. fishizens. This is clearly based on the language the fish speak, and not the facts.” he said Monday morning to the press.

Scientist and legal scholars are split on the issue.

“Fish have very few rights according to the constitution,” said Carolina law professor, Cynthia Matterly, “there are only a few cases in the books, but most of them go back over a century. With the current makeup the court now, I see these fish having a hard time establishing standing. You could almost say they don’t have a leg to stand on. Sorry, I couldn’t resist myself.”

“Deporting these fish will mess up the entire food web in our ocean,” said Ariel Hernandez, a scientist at the Ocean Studies Institute. “The government might be doing more harm than good by creating a hole in the food chain. There are many species that eat Spanish Mackerel like tuna, dolphin, sailfish, sushi aficionados, and sharks.”

We asked fisherman about their feelings on the issue.

“The thing to look for is the dip in the lateral line,” said fishing expert Jamie Kerner, “the King Mackerel has a bigger dip than the Spanish. The dorsal fin and speckles can sometimes help, but more times than not, go with the lateral line. Just remember to go easy on the seasoning. All you need is some salt and pepper.”

“What’s that? Government is making it harder for me to catch fish? Color me suprised,” said a local commercial fisherman.

“It’s about time we rounded up these fish. They come to our waters and eat the fish that hard working American fish should be eating,” was the opinion of Vinni Cetzetti of Reading Pennsylvania. “The president may look like the bad guy, but he is doing the thing all the real Americans actually want. He is protecting our boarders like Obummer never could. Now it is up to congress to keep this from happening again. Build the net!”

Let it never be said that celebrated local art patron Flynn Pure is afraid to explore new frontiers.. Pure’s Ghostmonkey Gallery is home to dozens more traditional (read: sane) artists using familiar mediums such as watercolors, bronze, wood and beans. And he loves them all. Especially beans.

“We haven’t come close to exploring all the expressive possibilities of mosaic bean art, but even that form is limited to two dimensions, or maybe two-and-a-half since the beans don’t exactly sit flat on the canvass,” said Pure. “I’m interested in the third and fourth dimensions of art.”

To that end, Pure has hired world renowned actor Daniel Day Lewis to be his 2017 “Artist in Residence” at the Ghostmonkey Gallery. Lewis, long known as the premier method actor of his time, is retiring from the big screen and focusing his talents on performance art. His first foray into performance art came in 1991 when he drilled a hole in his skull while suspended from the third “O” in the “Hollywood” sign in Los Angeles. His performance was a protest against what he called the “most, mindlessness, worst movie of all time,” Highlander II: The Quickening. He claimed that only by self-trepanning was he able to expunge the memory of the movie.

Lewis and Pure knew each other from the early 80’s when both worked on a production of The Sound of Music for a touring theater company. They reconnected in New York two years ago when Pure attended Lewis’ one-man show “The Birth and Bludgeoning Death of a Baby Seal”. It was Lewis’ portrayal of the seal’s birth that intrigued Pure.

“It gave me an idea. I talked with Daniel about coming down to the beach then,” Pure said. “But he was still recovering from the head wound he suffered while filming Lincoln. The man is dedicated to his craft.”

Lewis said he was definitely ready to take a different career path after the “Lincoln” performance.

Lewis’ first performance piece for Pure will be called “Sea Turtle Boil.” He will recreate the life cycle of a Kemp’s Ridley sea turtle, beginning with emergence of an egg from the mother turtle’s cloaca through the hatching and desperate scurry to the ocean. He will then have to survive predators, gill nets and bad directions from a blue tang fish.

“The piece will be one of the most difficult Daniel has attempted,” said Pure. “He’s going to incubate during the show’s intermission, which will require him to stay in a fetal position under about six thousand pounds of sand. We haven’t quite worked out how he will breathe.”

“Sea Turtle Boil” will be performed Monday, Wednesday, Friday in front of the Loggerhead Public Beach Access in Nags Head at 12:30 p.m. beginning April 1st, 2017. The show will run approximately three hours. A special indoor performance will be held at the Ghostmonkey Gallery the second Sunday of each month for red headed persons and patrons suffering from agoraphobia.

Landmark study confirms what everyone knew all along

The results of a five year study conducted by the Center for Disease Control and the North Carolina Highway Patrol have revealed what most motorists have already figured out: that people driving at or under the speed limit in the “fast” lane are demonstrably dumber than average Americans. The landmark study was conducted in Kitty Hawk, Kill Devil Hills, Nags Head and along I-95.

“We figured the beach would be a good place to do the study since people driving here come from a diverse sample of states,” said lead researcher Professor Roy Hinkley.

Over the course of the study, State Police randomly stopped motorists traveling at or below the speed limit on highways and urban areas. A CDC scientist riding with the officer then conducted an abbreviated Stanford-Binet IQ test and recorded the results. Drivers were then tagged with a special biodegradable ear marker and released back into the wild.

The results of the testing showed drivers travelling under the speed limit in the fast lane had an IQ that was 10-15 points lower than average. Drivers using the fast lane to plod along on 4 or 5 lane highways tested even lower than the average mean, some as much as 25 to 30 points lower.

“Surprisingly, the lowest scores came from drivers in the Nags Head area, particularly those from Pennsylvania,” said Professor Hinkley. “Results in Kill Devil Hills were invalidated because the town has too many goddamn stoplights.”

Governor Roy Cooper has asked the state legislature to consider some version of “Max’s Law,” recently passed in Texas and South Carolina, which allows frustrated motorists to physically bump slow moving traffic in the fast lane out of the way.

The Kitty Hawk was declared extinct after years of over hunting due to the popularity caused by the Wright Brothers first flight. The bird’s unique fur feathers were so popular in New York high society, one bird alone could fetch enough money to purchase an entire tenement building (sickly children included)! For a while the Currituck hunting lodges were not even concerned with hunting Ducks. Some local hunters became very rich off the trade. As the numbers began to dwindle the recreational and commercial Kitty Hawk hunters began to argue more fiercely, which lead to increased pressure on the species from both sides. After the bird was hunted to extinction the groups came together and agreed to be adults, and never do that again.

The Kitty Hawk is similar to your basic Osprey, with a few key differences. First is the pattern of the remiges (tips of the wings). If you see five feathers you know that you have an Osprey. The Kitty Hawk has a sixth smaller one. Also you might notices a slight difference in the rectrices or tail feathers for you non-bird people. The pattern is less splotched in some phenotypes of the Kitty Hawk. Lastly there is a slight difference in the ear and beak structure, with the Osprey looking very similar to other raptors such as the Eagle or Hawk, and the Kitty Hawk moreso resembling a common house cat. The call could also help in differentiating between the species. With An Osprey sounding like a high pitched chirping, and the Kitty Hawk calling in more of what could only be described as a meow.

I was able to spot this rare beast with the help of an ancient spirit I summoned using a black magic spell I learned from a Comanche shaman at Burning Man. This ancient waterman, named Jean Guite, lead me deep into the wilds of Kitty Hawk Woods, and into a heretofore never discovered canal. There I was able to get this picture of the majestic Kitty Hawk, and escape before the spirit could exact it’s payment on me. Also because of that he is now stranded in the land of the living doomed to wander the woods until his blood debt is settled, so watch out if you venture in there looking for the Kitty Hawk. My bad on that one.