OBX Report

Kitty Hawk – Dusty Hills has been working in various kitchens around the island since he dropped out of high school around the turn of the millennia. In this time he has had time to perfect the art of being a local dirt-bag cook, and he feels it is his duty to train the younger kitchen staff. Today he had some remarks with a potential protege about the front of the house staff.

“Man I don’t know why you are just standing there looking at your tickets, when there is a lady as hot as Julie on the other side of the line,” He said to his fry cook Martin, but loud enough for Julie, a Sophomore at Virginia Tech, to hear.

“Hey Dusty,” Julie said forcing a smile while she waited patiently for her order to be completed.

After she ran her order, Martin asked Dusty, “How are you just going to hit on her like that? That can’t ever work for you.”

Dusty half chuckled half scoffed at his younger cook, “see greenhorn, that is why you remain a virgin. These waitresses and hostesses are the only women I come in contact with besides the convenience store clerks I buy my beer and cigs from, and the cops who pull me over, and all that hitting on those got me was child support and parole. I gotta get what I can get where I can get it, and it turns out that these waitresses are my favorite kind of women anyway.”

“Oh I see, and what kind of woman is that?” Martin asked anticipating something sexist.

“College girls,” Dusty said wistfully as he stared into the distance and exhaled his cigarette into the hood vent.

“Aren’t you a little old to be dating College girls,” Martin said, “I mean you’re like forty.”

“Of course I’m too old to be dating College girls, and I have been for the past five years, but that hasn’t stopped me. Also, assbag, I’m only 33.”

“That’s ridiculous, why would they want you? Also, you look rough for 33 dude. Like seriously, take a night off from the drinking and cocaine from time to time.”

“That oiled leather appearance of my skin is a finely cultivated part of my presentation to the ladies. They are attracted to confident dangerous looking older men.” Dusty said smiling.

“Oh, I get it now. So that is what the tribal tattoo is for as well?” Martin asked.

Dusty nodded and launched into the meat of his lecture, “Yes now you’re starting to understand. When a college girl is on vacation from school and comes to a destination like the Outer Banks, why would she want to get with a guy your age? She is surrounded by them all year back at college. Plus she might develop feelings for you, and be stuck in a relationship with some one, no offense, below her on the social ladder. No, she wants to be able to check off that summer fling box on her OBX bucket list with a sexy-bad-boy-older-guy. Fortunately for me there are very few of us, seeing as most people my age have their shit together or are at least in a long term relationship. So you see I am not taking advantage of these girls, as you are not so subtly alluding to, I am giving them something they want.”

“Why would the girls want STD’s?” Martin said while chuckling to himself.

“No, you dense degenerate, I give them a chance to have a night they will never forget, to regret. They need to have a fling with me to remind them to aspire for a better man. That is why I succeed the most with girls on the rebound or with Daddy issues. They use our mediocre hookup as a jumping off point to launch their way up to their next relationship.”

“It all makes sense now,” said Martin in awe, “You help them regain confidence and vision for their own lives, while getting to sleep with women who should be out of your league, all the while never having to expose yourself to any sort of feelings. It’s like a win win or sorts except you remain a loser. You have to teach me your ways!”

“That is what I have been trying to do for weeks now!” Dusty exclaimed, “Now let’s start your training. When Maggie comes in here to pick up this basket of crab balls, tell her after that she needs to get to work on grabbing your balls. See what I did there? I made a play on words. Crab – grab, get it?”

“Are you sure? That sounds like sexual harassment,” Martin said with trepidation.

“Dude if you are going to take my place, you have to learn my way. I only have like two more years of this working, but I won’t figure that out for about seven years. In that time, your going to need to be stepping into my shoes and picking up the ones that fall through the cracks. There is work to be done bro. These college girls aren’t getting any younger… or older.”

 

National Hurricane Center – The Outer Banks of North Carolina is in danger of having a week ruined by another visit from the low pressure system that is Guy Fieri. The National Flavor Service has issued a Fieri watch for most of the Outer Banks. Governor Cooper has authorized a temporary state of emergency, and the Dare County Flavor Action Response Team has been called into action. The sale of Alcohol has been partially suspended with Whiskey (plastic bottles only), Tequila, and Corporate Beer being prohibited. Craft beer, wine, and clear liquors are still available. The sale of ranch and barbecue sauce has also been suspended.

Residents are preparing to protect their houses and evacuate. We talked to some of them:

“I can’t do this again!” said longtime local Stanley Daniels, “Last time this guy came around I had 3 inches of sauce in my living room. Insurance says they don’t cover what they call ‘acts of guy.'”

“Don’t get me  wrong. I love Guy, but for two weeks after his visit my husband was drinking Imodium like it was sweet tea,” said Manteo hair stylist, Debra Sulkowski.

“I don’t know if I can afford the economic impact of another Fieri storm,” said Jacob Arsborne or Duck, “I maxed out my credit card with all the eating out I had to do after his OBX shows aired.”

Speaking of economic impact, many restaurants are worried about having to close for days in the Summertime again. Some were shut down for up to three days the last time Fieri made landfall.

Not all Dare County residents are evacuating. Some brave locals are going to ride it out.

“Grill is lit, beer in the cooler, generator is on standby for when the power goes out. The only place we are evacuating to is Flavortown!” was the answer Daniel Garcia gave for his reason he is staying.

And then there is Joseph Harllow, and his unique ideas about avoiding the storm. “I have dyed my hair white, and I have prepared a bed of coals over which I will sacrifice two racks of ribs covered in my homemade Jim Beam Honey Glaze. This along with playing rock music from the early 2000’s should appease the Fieri, and spare my family.”

OBX Report will be on the scene with moment to moment reporting. We have reporters armored with bio-hazard suits, and news vans that can sustain Guy farts of up to 60 knots. News updates will come in as we receive more information from the National Flavor Service.

 

Kill Devil Hills – An area father desperately tried to convince his children they didn’t need to go to the new water park.  Having just paid rent and the other bills, he was dangerously short on cash. With tickets running around $50 bucks a head, he decided to try to offer his kids a thrifty alternative.

“See you can get just as wet here in the yard as you can all the way up in Currituck, and we don’t have to go over that scary bridge!” He said to his daughter, Emily.

“Last time I was crying on the bridge, you said it wasn’t scary,” Emily replied confused.

“Don’t you go making her scared of that bridge, Charlie, you cheap idiot. We will never get her to go to Grandma’s house again,” His wife yelled from the porch.

“Okay, Okay, you’re right, the bridge isn’t scary, but this tarp is just as fun. If you get a running start you can go faster than any ride at the water park.”

Emily’s response was a scowl.

“At the water park there are a bunch of lines. You don’t want to wait in lines do you sweetie? No one likes that. Here it is just you and your brother, and you can slip and slide as much as you want.”

“I hate my brother,” Emily said as her brother nodded silently, “I wanna play with my friends, and all of them are at the water park!”

Sensing he was losing the argument, he decided to try a new line of reasoning. “What about the pee? Everyone is peeing everywhere. Thousands of people all peeing on each other, and swimming in pee!”

“Charlie!” His wife screamed from the porch

“I thought you weren’t supposed to pee in the pool dad. You said never pee in the pool!”

“Right, and you never should, but you can’t trust tourists. Remember what I told you about tourist.”

“When Ohio sends its tourist to us, they aren’t sending their best,” she recited earnestly.

“That’s right. So now are you going to tell your mother that you don’t want to go to the water park?”

“No,” Emily said as her mother came down the steps with all the beach bags.

“Go get your bathing suit on and get in the car Charlie. These beers I hid in my bag are getting hotter by the minute.”

Defeated and despondent, Charlie walked into the house to retrieve his bathing suit.

Kill Devil Hills – Wallace Burnham, a local part time cook, has a problem with the town he lives in placing limits on height. “This is a violation of my rights as an American! If I wanna get baked, that is between me, God, and the shadow people that live in the walls,” he said from his friends couch which doubles as his residence.

“I’m pretty sure they were talking about how tall hotels can be, Wally,” his friend interjected from the other couch.

Wallace was having none of that, “Nah man that’s how the government works. They say one thing and do another. First they come for your hotels, then next thing you know, the SWAT team is in here writing tickets for getting too high. Then everyone has an RFID chip in the butt hole to keep track of you. Just wait, don’t say I didn’t tell you. It is ridiculous too. They capped it at 42? Do they even smoke? Everyone knows the highness scale goes from zero to ten. Forty two?! What is the Hitch Hikers Guide? You wouldn’t even get there if you were doing gravity bong hits of glass with a stomach full of edibles.”

His friend, having read the article and being actually correct, nodded in the way he always does when Wallace starts on one of his theories. His own thoughts wondering to which hat will match his koozie when he goes to the beach later.

The OBX Report tried to contact the Kill Devil Hills commissioners on Facebook, but got distracted by some videos about a cat who learned to drive. We will just assume they would not want to comment on this. We were able to speak to the Mayor’s gardener’s sister, who told us that weed is actually illegal so any high level is currently banned, but like the stop signs on Bay drive and dogs on the beach policy they are often ignored by locals.

The NC Fisheries Commission says it has heard the concerns of local shrimp fishermen affected by the recent decision by the Commission to put greater limits on shrimp trawling and that they are working with N.C. GOP Chairman Robin Hayes to draft rules that will mitigate the impact on the shrimping industry.

Specifically, the rule change will allow shrimp boat captains to battle to the death on the open sea using traditional weapons such as gaffs, spearguns, pitchforks, blowtorches and pliers. The winning captain will be able to claim possession of the losing captain’s boat and gear. Combat will be filmed by the National Geographic Channel for their Wicked Tuna companion show, Deadly Shrimp.

Hayes stated that the rules create a “win-win” situation for everyone. “First, it will reduce the total number of shrimp operators, meaning there will be more shrimp to go around for everyone who survives. Second, the state will receive incredible revenues from Nat Geo for filming rights. And, most importantly, with fewer shrimp fishermen I will not have to listen to as much bitching.”

Local reaction has not been mixed: there has been universal condemnation from every corner of the fishing industry concerning the proposed rule change. Lew and Al Cinder, owners of the shrimp boat “Hook Shot,” reacted with dismay to the news.

“I mean, I know they’ve been figuratively trying to kill the commercial fisherman for the last twenty years,” said Lew Cinder. “But this is insane.”
In keeping with supporting all things Dare County opposes Representative Beverly “the Bos” Boswell has signed on to the rule change, though technically speaking it is not a piece of legislation that she is allowed to co-sponsor nor is she a member of the NC Fisheries Commission.

The Outer Banks is about to experience the taste of deregulation when the highly controversial “Exotic Cuisines” restaurant chain opens its first franchise on the Outer Banks in early April 2017. Founded in China in 2010 by world-famous gourmand Chiang Kai-Chef, Exotic Cuisines immediately drew the ire of environmental and conservation groups by featuring such menu items as Fin Whale soup and Javan Rhino kebabs. Mr. Chef, a multi-millionaire developer, claims all species appearing on his menu were harvested as part of legitimate scientific research projects.

“Every year, hundreds of whales are studied by Japan for legitimate scientific purposes,” Mr. Chef said. “For example, our Fin Whale came from an experiment to see how much blood loss the whale could survive before dying. Very important research. But they don’t need the whole whale after the study, so we buy the rest. No waste!”

Until this year the Endangered Species Protection Act essentially made it impossible for Mr. Chef to do business in the United States, but the political landscape is rapidly changing and with it the rules that protect domestic threatened species from human predation. Where conservation groups see extinction events, Mr. Chef sees opportunity.

The Outer Banks location will be headed by culinary expert, Chef Jimbro Skillet, a Louisiana Native who trained for years under French Chef Simon Le Poubelle before moving to China to apprentice for  Chiang Kai-Chef.  He will also be joining the staff of the OBX Report to write our food and recipe column.

“The Outer Banks has an incredible diversity of scarce marine life. Many rare migratory birds also stop by your area. These give us an opportunity to present our patrons with dishes found nowhere else in the world,” said Chef Jimbro. “I can’t wait to get my hands on all the local creatures I can, so I can show people down here there is more to food than burgers and pizza. We picked an excellent location. You can tell because it has been the site of 8 previous restaurants!”

In anticipation of an “incredible” response to their grand opening, Exotic Cuisines has pre-published its menu and is already accepting reservations and orders. Among the delicacies being offered are Hawksbill Turtle crepes, Manatee fricassee and grilled Roseate tern. Luminaries such as EPA chief Scott Pruitt, rocker Ted Nugent and that Japanese tourist from last year have already confirmed their attendance and Chef Jimbro hopes their star power will draw others with what he calls “curious palates.”

A report from U.S.A. News has named The Outer Banks of North Carolina as a top destination for spousal homicide. The report compared thousands of beach communities from across the country on a number of criteria, and the OBX came out in the top 5! Citing the beautiful beaches and scenic sunsets, U.S.A. News sung the praises of our little island chain, thrusting us into the national spotlight once again.

“I for one am thrilled,” said Outer Banks Mayor, Manny Daniels, “We have been desperately needing a way to fill these cottages in the shoulder season, and the Marathon, bike week, and seafood festival were not cutting it. These homicidal visitors are likely to take their wives out to dinner a few times before they murder them.”

“Hiding the bodies was one of the top features that pushed the OBX higher on our list,” said U.S.A. Newslady Sharron Peterson, “the abundance of canals and swamps makes it really easy to ditch your wife without being seen. Also the wildlife is likely to destroy all the evidence before anyone finds her. Between blue crabs, raccoons, and coyotes, there won’t be much left for to find.”

Other factors that led to the Outer Banks placing high on the list included easy boat rentals, overworked and understaffed police forces, beautiful lighthouses, and loose sandy soil for quick digging. Local’s lack of care or interest in the visitors, was noted, but not factored into the ranking.

Some citizens were concerned that this might not bring in the type of clientele the Outer Banks is known for. “I don’t think it is a group we should advertise to,” said local restaurant owner, Derick Simpson, “We are a family destination, and these guys are in doing the opposite of making families. It’s not like they are going to bring their kids with them when they come down here to murder their wives. Even if they do that, I’m guessing those kids won’t be returning here to vacation as adults. I wouldn’t exactly be visiting the place where my dad offed my mom with my family. I don’t think it is a good long term strategy for our brand.”

“I can’t wait for this place to become the Cabot Cove of the South,” said local Agatha Christie fan, Judy Fletcher, “I hope me catching all the killers doesn’t hurt our ranking, but you know me. I just can’t help myself. Aha ha ha.”

 

 

Staff Writer Jay Mullet – It’s that time of year again. You would have to be deaf not to have noticed the noise. Yes it’s Bike Week again, and I know I’m not alone in my disgust of this travesty. I know that when I think about this idyllic, serene, natural beauty we call the Outer Banks, I think of a bunch of leather clad dudes riding motorcycles. One does not need a masters degree in Branding to see how at odds biker culture is from the OBX. I know you might not believe me, but I am an expert on things like this, and I can tell you with authority that this all started under Obama. I call it the Colingtonification of the Outer Banks.

I can’t help my confusion when I see that some of the local businesses have even stooped to catering to these people with their “welcome bikers” signs. I don’t see them putting up “welcome families” or “welcome wholesome people” signs during the rest of the year! If I see a business with a sign welcoming in these bikers, I take my business elsewhere. Unfortunately you can’t seem to escape the two wheeled crowd this weekend. Of course they have been spotted in the types of bars you would expect them in (you know the ones), but I had to wait five minutes behind a ruffian to get my order in at the bagel shop this morning.

There are a number of other ways the Harley crowd doesn’t fit in down here. Bikers are constantly packing into bars for the sake of listening to metal and consuming ridiculous amounts of alcohol. On the Outer Banks, we do nothing of the sort. Sure my wife and I enjoy having a glass of wine or four at any of the fine dining establishments in Duck or Southern Shores, but we aren’t doing it to get drunk. The inebriation is a classy side effect of good taste in wine.

The worst part is the damn noise. This is something even my best friend and libtarded bird watcher, Lyonald Greer, would agree on. I don’t care that it is scaring off the stupid birds, but I do care that it is interrupting my round of golf. I just want to be able to ride around with my buddies and drink some beers and have a good time. Bikers wouldn’t know anything about that. All they do is rev up their engines while i’m in my back swing.

Thank god the big party is in Currituck this year. If they tried to bring a concert like that to our island, I think we would sink from embarrassment. It fits in much nicer with the monster truck, mud bog types you know. Well maybe it would fit in in Colington, and soon enough Corolla. Mark my words, as soon as they build that bridge every degenerate from Chesapeake to Chockawinaty will flow into Corolla turning it into another Virgina Beach or worse, Ocean City. Then us poor and upstanding Duckians and Southern Shoresistanians will be surrounded on three sides, just like Obama wanted.

Turtle enthusiasts have long debated​ about what is the best food for their pets. Do Red-Eared Sliders prefer lettuce or carrots? Should you give your Eastern Box Turtle kale or snap beans? Dr. Elize Segar, a professor of Herpetology at ​the College of the Albemarle, refuses to be drawn into the preference debate, but he does warn turtle owners about one food they should not to feed their hard-shelled friends: spinach.

“​Spinach dramatically affects ​a turtle’s metabolism,” said Dr. Segar. “It causes a rapid increase in respiration​ and ​heart rate and triggers a continuous adrenal dump into the​ animal’s bloodstream.”

Dr. Segar said turtles fed spinach gain incredible temporary strength and are able to shatter the glass sides of terrariums, lift other household pets many times their size, and leap several feet in the air.

“This is not a lethal threat with our local box and Slider turtles,” said Dr. Segar. “The most a Yellow Belly Slider is going to do to you on Spinach is break a few bones, but can you imagine the damage a giant Loggerhead might cause? They weigh over 800 pounds. That would be like three John Cena’s landing on you from the top of the turnbuckle all at the same time. Serious injury would be inevitable; death very likely.”

In response, Kill Devil Hills has instituted a no spinach policy at their turtle pond, and hired a retired drug canine as a spinach sniffing dog to make sure the park goers are not holding this dangerous leaf. So far there have been no attempts at turtle doping, but the dog seems very interested in the guys at the skate park.

Turtles inadvertently fed spinach should be placed in a quiet environment where they will not be easily startled or incited to violence. The metabolic effects from the spinach can last anywhere from 5 minutes to several hours. Dr. Segar said his team is studying various remedies to spinach consumption and has found some promise in a olive oil based topical cream.

Southern Shores – Driving along US 158 in Dare County the perceptive visitor might notice the area boasts a remarkable number of churches. From the Holy Redeemer Catholic Church in Kitty Hawk to the United Methodist Church in Hatteras, there are over two dozen houses of worship dotting the island. And until last Thursday, they all represented branches or denominations of Christianity.

Thursday witnessed the grand opening of the Temple of the Jedi Order of Southern Shores. Yes, the Jedi are a real religion. They have their own symbols, tenants and Wikipedia page. Since 2001, when people first began recording their religion as “Jedi” on the U.S. Census, the movement has steadily grown and in 2010 the Jedi now represent a whopping 62% of religious adherents in Dare County (see chart).

The Master of the Jedi Temple, OBX-wan Kenobi, offered his insight on why the Jedi Faith has suddenly become so popular:

“We stand for goodness, protect the weak, believe in the sanctity of all life, support the ban on plastic bags, and we don’t discriminate. I mean, any being can become a Jedi You think we care if are gay or straight? Heck, the Ophrys of Apifera Prime are hyper-intelligent self-pollinating plants and dozens of them are Jedi! The other thing is we don’t tithe. Heck, we don’t even pass the plate in our assemblies. We’re the best bargain in the faith community by a parsec.”

For the most part, the Temple’s new neighbors have been “cautiously welcoming” of the Jedi. Many, such as Mayor/Crooner Tony Bennett, see the benefits of having lightsaber wielding defenders of justice as part of the community. He noted that, as opposed to other religious institutions which are “taxbase freeloaders who have never been welcome in Southern Shores” the Jedi Temple will save Southern Shores money.

“They’re going to take care of all the law and order issues, so we won’t need to pay for a police force anymore,” said Bennett. “And after Master Kenobi negotiated with the CEO of Great Lakes Dredge and Dock we got a fantastic offer for our beach nourishment project. It’s win-win for our citizens.”

Others, such as resident Gary Loracs, like that the Jedi have a deep appreciation for nature and feel they will have a positive influence on the weak minded town council members who Loracs described as “anti-tree.”

But not everyone is so sanguine about the arrival of the Jedi. Darth Midgett, Southern Shores most famous curmudgeon, was outspoken about the Jedi and the Jedi Temple in a recent Facebook rant. He described the Jedi as “space snowflakes” who refuse to accept that “the Dark Side is the only way.”

The Jedi Temple is open to visitors from 11:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. and welcomes the public to come and learn more about their Order.